On the IPOD "Winter Song" by: Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson
Well folks today is Fair Day! The State Fair of Texas is a Miller family tradition. To tell you the truth it was the one day that I was supported by the whole family to eat whatever I wanted to. And I assure you that most times I was able to live up to their expectation ;) ! The fair holds both extremely happy memories for me and very painful ones as well. I remember being there as a whole family and my dad being so knowledgeable about the animals and so excited about sharing the history of Texas with us. I remember how thrilled everyone was to try the new fair foods. And I remember my brothers and I fighting over who got to be in the driver seat of pretty much every car in the auto show.
But I also remember two years ago when my dad couldn't go because it was too painful to walk. And how I sort of just checked out of "real" life because I couldn't watch it. This is probably when I was the heaviest. I am very good at being strong on the outside, I would even say I've mastered it. But I broke down by myself in the car or in client's bathrooms. I was angry and hurt and I felt betrayed. I pretty much tried to take care of all of my friends so that I wouldn't have to take care of myself and then I would find something to eat... My eating is definitely my way of controlling. I couldn't control the cancer. I couldn't control when he was going to die. But I could eat whatever I wanted...
So today should be interesting because in a way you all will be there with me... I'm about to go take a dance class so I can get my metabolism going. Because I'm not gonna lie, I'm going to try some terribly awful foods today. I'm taking one for the team so that I can report back to you on whats worth it!! In a way though I'm starting to feel like I don't have that extreme urge to fill some kind of void with food. I'm not saying that tomorrow that urge won't be back but I'm hoping by confessing all my food secrets maybe Ill have to find some other way to control my life.
xoxo chef a