Thursday, October 31, 2013


On the iPod "A life that's good (feat. Lennon and Maisy)" As I sit here contemplating life, less than seven weeks before we welcome our second baby boy Luca into the world, I can only be grateful...grateful for the life that we have now and for the life that is yet to come for us... I remember how ready I was for Levi to be born... Bags were packed weeks before... Newborn diapers lined up in perfect form on the changing table... And a nursery set up for a little prince... Lol, I wish I had that kind of time now... It's just so different! I'm sure it will all get done in time or at least most of it... But for now the most important thing for me to do is create a "luca" playlist... 3 years ago when other expectant moms were making a labor playlist, I was creating a playlist that my new son would live the first moments of his life to... Songs that reminded me of my own childhood, songs that reminded me of my dad, and songs that put into words the love I have for my husband and that I knew I would have for him. From the moment I created the playlist, Levi heard these songs... On our longest days and nights together the songs brought us both a certain amount of peace and security. And even today Levi stills listens to his playlist everyday. And if he is having a rough morning, it's the first thing I turn on. So although I want to use some of the same songs again... I feel like Luca deserves his own soundtrack. Songs that taught me about love and about life... Songs that helped me through the darker times and songs that are absolute pure joy. Hopefully both of my boys will have the same love of music that their father and I have. I have started their soundtracks, but it will be up to them to continue it... To find the notes and words that move them to do great things... To become the great men I know they are destined to be... Xoxo chef a

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Full Cleanse

On the iPod "The a Team" By: Ed Sheeran By now most of you know that I lost the baby at the beginning of last week. It was very late in the first trimester and definitely not expected, not that they ever are. It was unlike my first miscarriage in that we had seen and heard the baby's heartbeat on more than one occasion and I had watched the baby move and grow. I'm not exactly sure which one was more devastating... The first because there was the lingering fear of not being able to ever carry a baby to term and this one because, well...I had seen a live baby on the sonogram... They both sucked! Anyways, we will try again! I'm scheduled to have some testing in a few weeks since this is my second miscarriage in three pregnancies, so we will either get an answer and will deal with that when it comes or we will just realize that this baby was not meant to be and hopefully the next one is. And I will do my best to not blame myself... I'm an over-analyzer by nature... It has something to do with my ADD and OCD, lol! The two of them together make for a great pair. So of course since this has happened I have spent countless hours on the internet (where all things are true... right?!?) I have read article after article about cleansing your surroundings... But I've done all that... Mike and I were lucky enough to find the most perfect house this summer and after we closed on it the first thing I did was cleanse the house... Don't laugh! My nia besties and I ran around this house chanting and carrying sage sticks. We tried to get all of the bad juju out and no we weren't high, although maybe that was the missing link lol! I have read all about feng shui and luckily mike and I have the same directions so everything is pointed the right way and our doors are clear and open. The only thing not feng shui about this house is that we have a tv in the bedroom but honestly not having one is just pure madness, how would we DVR everything?!? Lol! We have spent the last year getting our relationship to this amazing point where we respect each other and we really listen and talk which listen after 15 years as well as starting out at 18 years old is a miracle in itself. I have a strict no phone call policy after mike gets home from work (much to the chagrin of my clients!), levi starts his night in his bed every not saying he never ends up in our bed... but we really make it a priority to go to sleep as a duo, and we really try to make as much time for each other as we possibly can with a two year old (thanks to my mom the resident babysitter!) But after reading almost every online article, blog, and typed word about changing your karma, I realized one huge piece of the puzzle that I am missing... Love your enemy... Ugh! Not sure I can do that... When I read more about it I realized that it is not about really loving or embracing your enemy but more about liberating yourself... It is the realization that by forgiving someone you are by no means letting them back into your life... But in truth you are releasing them for good... But the question comes to mind... How do you forgive someone who has yet to ask for your forgiveness and actually seems as if they have no remorse for their actions... Someone who is very public about their transgressions as if they are proud of themselves... Someone who used your own friendship as a weapon? Obviously I have some hurt feelings about this.... But that is the unfortunate thing... My enemy's karma is effecting my own because I have chosen to let a hate so deep poison my own life... So while I cleansed my home and my marriage, I forgot to cleans the most important thing... My heart.... So here the journey starts... "visualize that the person that you are having difficulty with is sitting across from you. They are not allowed to speak to you or touch you without your permission or an invitation to do so. As clearly as you can, tell them your truth. Tell them about your anger, your pain, the hurt that you feel. Try not to blame them or to make them wrong, but to offer them the gift of your truth. Stay as centered on your own feelings and pain as you can. Say everything you need to say, leaving nothing back. Then recite the following prayer, beginning with their full name: ________, I forgive you for any pain that you have ever brought to me in this life or in any other life, whether real or imagined, deliberate or unintentional. I ask that you, _______, forgive me for any hurt that I have ever brought to you, in this life or in any other life, whether real or imagined, deliberate or unintentional. I bless you, I release you to God's care and keeping, and I set us both free. " I will do this everyday until I forget to do it and then I will be set free... Because this amount of hate should not live in anyone and believe me is not a place that I want my baby to grow in... Xoxo chef a