Saturday, February 25, 2012

Brick Wall

On the IPOD "You Belong To Me" By: Carla Bruni

Life is funny...just when you think you finally have it figured out, it comes back at you like a ton of bricks. I'm not really ready to even touch on the last month of my life, but I can admit that I was quite unaware of the amount of inner strength a person can have under so many layers of self hate. My therapist says that I have a broken friend picker...but I'm thinking that maybe I'm just sort of broken in general... but one thing is for sure, I definitely have found a new meaning for the word devastation.

So anyways here I am on a new journey... Ive decided that instead of curling into the fetal position on the floor, I'm going to instead be the best Amanda I can be!

About two weeks ago in the midst of my agony, my cousin, who I'm pretty sure is here as an undercover angel, said to me, "Amanda, don't take this the wrong way but I think you need to take care of you...Have you ever thought about trying out for "The Biggest Loser"?" My response was pretty quick, "Ah No, there is no way in hell that I'm gonna stand in front of the world on a scale in shorts and a sports bra!" And that was that I went home cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning with an idea...

So I texted her first thing..."I'm still not interested in going on the show but what about a trainer here in Dallas...Do you know of one?"

Within an hour a guy named Shawn Brown called me and we set up our first session. I'm not going to lie, I showed up two weeks ago scared, but within 5 minutes Shawn had me feeling completely comfortable. I think he could tell that he is dealing with someone who is pretty broken at the moment, so he reassured me that he is my partner in this and that he knows that this will not be a quick fix and that it is going to be hard for me, not just physically but emotionally too. We are meeting three times a week and I'm also going to my nia classes with Jule three times a week and taking a Barre class (which is brutal) on the weekend. Nia has always been my safe haven and it still is, there are days that I'm smiling the whole time and days where I have tears running down my face, but I'm surrounded by friends there and that makes it ok.

As far as eating...well I wasn't for awhile, but now I'm trying really hard to eat right and most importantly I'm writing everything down using an app called sparkpeople. It makes it sooo easy. In the last month I've probably lost somewhere around 30 pounds, but I'm not really counting I just want to feel good.

So that's all I have for the moment... I'm hoping to check in as often as I can...

xoxo chef a