A Loss

On the IPOD "Here Comes Goodbye" by: Rascal Flatts

Wow, what a busy weekend I really don't know where to start so I'll just dig in. I left you on Friday when I was heading to the fair with Jessica to rule the pie competition. Well drum roll please, Jessica took an honorable mention for her Coconut Cream Pie! Yay so exciting, the competition is very intense let me just tell you the people who compete in these competitions are fierce so the fact that she walked away with a ribbon is incredible!!!!

Moving on to a more serious topic... I had a girls happy hour this weekend and one of my friends is going through a very difficult time in her marriage. She has been trying for years to conceive a child and after 2 miscarriages and lots of fertility treatments they are having a very hard time coping with this kind of loss as a couple. This is a very touchy subject for me because I had a miscarriage earlier this year. It is honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, probably more difficult than losing my father. If you have never been through a miscarriage you more than likely can not understand the emotional impact that it plays on a woman's life. Still to this day there is a certain amount of guilt that I feel. I worry at times that I did something wrong, that my bath was too hot, that I worked too much on my feet, that my weight caused it, that I ate the wrong things, etc. etc. Don't get me wrong, I know that it is because there was something in the genetic makeup of the baby that wasn't right and that there was nothing I could've done. And that I should be happy that I know that I can get pregnant. But in reality, it doesn't take away from the fact that I had names picked out and that everyday I would walk through the baby aisle at Target picking out products that I wanted, and that when we first looked at the building we will soon be living in I worried about every little detail of every room thinking that we would soon have a little one crawling around. It also doesn't help the heartbreak when I think of being at the doctor's office and having the sonogram and seeing a black hole on the screen where there used to be a baby and then unfortunately making the tearful phone calls afterwards to let everyone know. At first I couldn't wait to get pregnant again. All I could think about was how fast can we replace this feeling with a baby. And then came the grief...Thank goodness I have a husband who allowed me to grieve for a baby that wasn't planned, that was actually a complete accident. Thank goodness he allowed me to cry and scream and act like a lunatic. I can honestly say that there were nights that I went to bed crying and couldn't bear to be touched and he laid there and listened to me cry and respected my desire to just fall apart. I can't imagine having to go through it without him.

Now we have put the whole baby thing on hold for a little while...it definitely scares me to try to conceive, I would be lying if I told you that I have no fears. It completely plays a part in me losing weight. I do not want my weight to be a factor in conceiving or being able to carry a baby to term and everyday when I step into the gym it motivates me. I hate it when people try to tell me that it will be okay and that we can try again and that we are so lucky that we are so young and have so much time (I'm 31, not really a spring chicken). I know that nobody knows what to say and that they are just trying to be supportive and I do truly appreciate it but I'm just being honest with you... it sometimes makes me want to punch a hole in the wall. It doesn't make it any easier that on a regular basis I receive coupons and formula and magazines congratulating me on the upcoming arrival of my first child. Oh how I wish I could get off the mailing list!!! When I think about the fact that I would be 9 months pregnant right now it kind of makes me feel like I am riding 60 miles an hour down the tallest hill of a roller coaster (The moment right when your stomach hits the floor).

I do know my time will come and I know that I will be someones mother someday. And even though I am scared, I will not let the fear rule my life. To the women and men out there going through this right now, my hope for you is that you give yourselves the gift of grieving for this child that most of the world does not even consider a child yet because it really has nothing to do with what stage of life your child is in, it has to do with your dreams of baseball games and dance recitals and names and midnight feedings. It is not only the loss of your child but it is the loss of what could have been. So if nothing else know that there is someone else in the world who knows your pain, but who is also learning to move past it day by day.


On a side note I did find a healthy snack at the State Fair of Texas ... They have very good rotisserie chicken, who knew right???

Tomorrow's client menus:
Jalapeno Chicken
Greek Chicken
Chicken and Beef Fajitas
Beef stew
Meatloaf
Cajun Tilapia
Mac and Cheese
all with fresh veggie packs ready to cook to order
Roasted Turkey legs with brown gravy
Shredded Chicken Tostadas with spanish rice
Mediterranean Tilapia topped with Artichokes, olives and feta with
roasted broccoli, cauliflower, and brussel sprouts
and Turkey meatballs with sauteed spinach and wild mushrooms

xoxo chef a