Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Husband

On the IPOD "More Than Words" by: Extreme

I am dedicating this entry to relationships it might be long so please bare with me... First off I want to discuss my relationship with my husband. I have been with Mike for 12 years as of December 15th. I am not going to bore you with the little fights and mistakes that each of us have made over those years because at the end of the day we chose to pick each other so as far as I'm concerned that's all that counts. I wish I could tell you that we like the same shows and music, and that after 12 years we are constantly on the same page. I would also like to say that we never hit below the belt when we fight, that we never go to bed a little angry, and that we constantly listen to each other. But I would be lying to you! The truth is that we struggle to equally split our time between sitcoms, soccer games, wild nights out and relaxing night in. There are great times when we are on the same page but there are others when I don't even know if we are in the same book. We have worked very hard to learn how to fight fair but there are still hurtful slip ups, lots of I'm sorrys, and even the occasional night facing opposite directions. There are times that I catch myself tuning out of the conversation and there are times when I'm talking to him that he looks at me like I speaking in a different language. The reason I am telling you this is because I know that someone is out there reading this blog thinking that there is some man or woman out there who is going to "save" you. Someone who will fit all of the ridiculous criteria that you think you want. Someone who will be completely excepting of all of your faults and who doesn't have any faults of their own. I have received comments on how I'm so lucky that I found a man who accepts me as I am. And I want to be real honest with you... you are right in that I am incredibly lucky to have a supportive husband who has stayed by my side at every weight and who has dealt with all of my self loathing bullshit. But please remember that it took a long time to get where we are today and although I am truly happy everyday we are far from perfect, we are a work in progress.

It has not been until recently that I have noticed how much my weight issues play into our everyday life. I really have always believed that I was strong and fearless and that I was somehow able to not let what others said affect me, but I was wrong instead I took the hurtful things that I felt and buried them deep inside myself and covered them up. And while on the inside I was having severe issues with my weight on the outside I was fighting about what to have for dinner and other pointless arguments that I don't think I even cared about. I am extremely sensitive and it is common for me to analyze a comment Mike makes and turn it into something completely different and most likely much more hurtful than he ever, ever intended. It is not fair to is not fair for me to get mad at him over my own insecurities, but it happens... I would say that 95% of our arguments before we leave the house are really based in the fact that I'm uncomfortable with the way that I look. I don't expect for some of these feelings to ever really go away, but I do think it helps for me to be aware of them and for Mike to be aware of them as well. I think for years I thought that if I was honest with him about my weight issues that he would somehow realize that I was overweight...Funny right like he somehow never noticed! I love my husband and I'm trying to love is proving to be the hardest battle I have ever fought!

I have to go to work so I'm going to have to continue with more relationships a little bit later...stay tuned

xoxo chef a

1 comment:

Mara said...

I hope that your Mom is doing ok.
Thinking of you both!