The Off Switch

On the IPOD "This Is The Thing" By: Fink

Are you kidding 3am??? I am so over you! I tried to just lay there but after about an hour I gave up and decided to make myself some oatmeal, so here I am again at 4 o'clock in the morning starring at the computer screen... So since I'm not about to throw up at the moment let's discuss food! I actually pulled over to the grocery last night in the rain because I just had to have raisins, who knows why...raisins are not even my thing, I'm more of a dried apricot or pear kind of girl, but on Tuesday night the only thing I wanted was a small box of raisins, unfortunately the craving didn't last too long by about the second raisin I was kind of over it!

Another funny thing that I've noticed while pregnant is that I actually have an off switch. For the natural skinnies out there let me explain... I have never in my life had an off switch and by off switch I mean that thing inside you that tells you that you're full...Yeah! never had it...I mean I have never uttered the phrase "Oh I just can't even taste that I'm so full!" And I've also never participated in the four M&M grab...really all you need is four??? On the other hand, I have always been able to eat when I'm hungry, tired, sad, happy, and even when there is no way my stomach could possibly have any room left. The first time the off switch came on was about 3 weeks ago and I was shocked. We were eating lunch somewhere and all of the sudden half way through I just stopped and realized that I couldn't put another thing into my mouth. It wasn't a nauseous feeling, it was just a you're done kind of feeling... I'm hoping that for the rest of my life I can feel the you're done feeling but who am I kidding...

xoxo chef a

A Posh Tot

On the IPOD "Wonderful" By: Annie Lennox

As planned on Sunday afternoon Mike and I went to go and pick up the crib. Now a funny back story on the crib... Father's day weekend my mom and I decided to go a little baby shopping, yes I'm aware its still early but we've known for sooooo long neither of us could take it any longer. And we were only shopping for cribs no clothes or anything, but after 7 baby stores I was in tears because nothing felt right. So we went back to the house to regroup. I think the tears part came from the fact that I had already looked at a website called "poshtots.com" (don't do it, it is really not fair to yourself) and fell in love with a Bratt antique white iron crib and lets just say nothing matched up. Well I knew that there was no way we were going to spend a ridiculous amount of money on just a crib. So I had a fleeting thought... Hey I'll just check "Craig's List". And there it was under the title "Never Used Bratt Antique White Iron Crib For Sale."

So before I could look any further I had emailed the owner and by Monday night, a check had been written and I had made my fist Craig's list purchase ever. Come to find out the only reason it was never used is because they believe in co-sleeping...well that won't be a problem in this house! Mike would over rule that before the idea would even come out of my mouth, Oh wait, it would never come out of my mouth! :) So here I sit starring at a crib that Mike referred to as the heaviest crib in the world (I mean I really doubt that but he had to carry it...) I still think it's just a little too early to put it together but pretty soon this room will be transformed into a nursery! Wow I can't wait!

Other than that I'm still shocked that at the end of 3 months with no dancing I've actually lost weight...Well here's to hoping I can continue to stay within a decent number, not for vanity's sake but for every one's health involved!

xoxo chef a

Baby Bump Etiquette

On the IPOD "Whattya Want From Me" by: Adam Lambert

So all of the sudden yesterday morning I woke up and was pregnant... Well to be honest it really started on Thursday night...As I was leaving my mom's house she said to me, "Oh, I see a little baby bump!" Of course the overweight girl in me came out and I was devastated...When I got home I stared in the mirror thinking, oh my goodness I'm going to have to come to grips with this because it's the first time in my life that sucking in doesn't at least work a little...

To top it off while I was looking at some baby stuff at a local store the saleswoman did the unthinkable... she touched my baby bump. I guess she was feeling for the baby... I was so taken back that I just stood there in awe that someone would actually think that this type of behavior was normal. Let me go ahead and say that it is not acceptable to touch a 3 month pregnant girl's belly. I don't even let my own husband touch my stomach let alone some stranger. I mean I know that I'm not in control of what my body does at the moment, but I would at least like to think that I can control who touches it. Maybe I'll feel different about it when I'm like 8 months pregnant but right now when I'm extremely moody, nauseous, and self conscience it could result in someone getting slapped across the face!

Sunday is my Dad's birthday, he would have been 75 years old. Mike and I are going to go visit his grave on the way to pick up the crib that I couldn't live without (obviously not from the saleswoman who touched my stomach!!) It should make everything very real! Hope everyone is having a wonderful, relaxing weekend.

xoxo chef a

Excuses...

On the IPOD "Listen to Your Heart" by: DHT Feat. Edmee

I have to start out by apologizing for being a little MIA lately. It is not because I don't want to write...it has more to do with my unfortunate closeness to the bathroom. To date I have tried everyone's potions: meds, hard candies, ginger, seabands, ect. But unfortunately this child is completely running the show... I am hoping that in just a couple of weeks I can get back to writing more frequently. At this point I'm really just trying to make it through my work day and then after that I pretty much check out.

To my close friends who are wondering why I never pick up the phone after say 2pm please understand it is not you... it is me...I know that you are calling to check on me which I completely appreciate, but the afternoons and evenings are just not good times for me. If there is something urgent please feel free to text me and I will get back to you asap.

I wish I could tell you what I'm making at work or give you a recipe or two but the less I think about food the better! I'm going to try and check in at least once a day going forward even if I just write a paragraph. We will see how it goes! Thank you all for sticking with the blog and listening to me discuss these unfortunate side effects. Please know that soon enough I will be back to my old self!

xoxo chef a

Missing Someone...

On the IPOD "Someone to Watch Over Me" By: Renee Olstead

Holidays are a funny thing... You can try as hard as you want to make it "a different kind of special" after someone is gone, but I think most of the time it just ends up being different.

Today we spent Father's Day at my sister-in-law's house with my in-laws, who I absolutely adore, but unfortunately it just wasn't a good day for me. First of all I don't feel good, I'm tired, and I'm throwing up constantly. On top of all that joy I'm an emotional wreck...I cry at almost every commercial, I actually had a mini breakdown in a baby store over their unfortunate selection of baby furniture on Saturday and today I realized that selfishly the only person I really want to hang out with on Father's Day is my own father. I'm fully aware that next year will be different because we will have a baby and Mike will be a Dad, but as far as today is concerned...I'm over it!

I can't help but feel horribly angry and sad that my Dad is not here... And I still can't believe that he will never really know his grandchild and that he is not here to remind me after a bad day that everything will be okay. I wish I could say that just being with Mike's dad was enough, but it wasn't. I thought about how weird it is that both my brothers and my mom are off doing others things with other people all with the constant reminder that just two years ago this day was so different. Not a sad day but a day to celebrate our Dad.

Maybe I would feel different about it if I was older or my dad had been older when he died, but because I wasn't and he wasn't, it sort of still feels like he was stolen from my life. I actually thought in my head today will there ever be a happy new occasion that isn't sort of stained by the fact that he is not here to share it with us... I'm pretty sure that the answer is no and I guess I'm okay with that because I would rather it be a little sad and be able to remember him than to just forget and move on.

I do hope that all of the father's out there had a wonderful day and to all of you in my position I hope you were able to remember all of the special things that made your dad the best dad in the world!

xoxo chef a

Pregnancy Body Image

On the IPOD "Landslide" By: Fleetwood Mac

I'm not exactly sure how some of you are going to take this but to be true and honest to myself it needs to be discussed and hopefully you will see my side of it without feeling the need to tell me to get over it... :)

I know that there are many women out there who get pregnant and are able to just let themselves go. They see their bodies changing and they somehow embrace it and realize it's for a great cause, they are growing a baby. I wish that I could say that... I wish that I didn't have guilt over each craving, but I do. And I wish that I could someday see myself wanting to mold my pregnant belly with paper mache and hang it on our wall, but I can guarantee that will never happen in this house!

I have not gained any weight thus far...due mainly to the fact that I can't keep a whole lot down. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm a little scared about not having morning sickness..... I'm scared of losing control and gaining too much. I'm scared of how I will perceive myself. And I'm most scared of being completely overwhelmed in 7 months with a new baby and massive weight to lose.

The book I'm reading told me to look at my body in the mirror and see the changes going on... Obviously the lady who wrote the book has no experience with body image issues...I'm not talking about small issues with your body ie: my butt's too big, I'm too short, too tall, my boobs suck, etc. I am referring to the people out there whether skinny, chubby, or fat, who have debilitating feelings about their body. Those of us who have cancelled plans while crying in the mirror because we can't find something to wear that looks decent. Or have honestly wanted to beat a photographer for taking a picture of us. I'm a tad bit better about it now but I'm far from perfect... I decided to go ahead and partake in her little exercise, I took off my clothes and gazed into the mirror. I wish I could say that I got all teary eyed and saw my growing belly as a home for this precious little baby inside but in reality it pretty much just looks like I've eaten too much! I'm going to go ahead and say that this exercise really didn't do much for me today...I'm thinking that maybe it would be best to look again at say 6 months pregnant when it looks like there is really a baby in there, but for now I'm content with staying far away from naked mirror shots of myself and will instead just try to embrace the feeling of being preggers.

I think that these "feelings" are going to need to be talked about from time to time because I can't imagine them just vanishing. But please don't misunderstand me, I am absolutely thrilled about carrying this baby, we have spent lots of time, money and heartache trying to get to this point and we just can not wait until we are able to meet our little one. But in truth most of the books and websites discuss how great you should feel about your expanding waistline and I want to make sure that the women out there who are maybe feeling a tad bit apprehensive about it know that there are others, like me, who are still completely elated about having a baby but have normal, hard to explain fears about what is happening to their bodies in the process. I just can't imagine going through the feelings I'm having and not having you to talk to about it. It saddens me to think that there might be some of you out there who are embarassed about not feeling thrilled about your image in the mirror and I just want to make sure that you are aware that it is really not that uncommon, it is just not discussed enough.

xoxo chef a

Dream a Little Dream...

On the IPOD "Dream a Little Dream " By: The Glee Cast

Even though there are lots of tell all books about pregnancy, most of them leave out a couple of things to expect starting in your first trimester.

Number 1: they all say you are going to be tired the first 2 months after you find out that your expecting but they don't really tell you that it in actuality it is more than just tired...you might as well tell your friends and family that you are going on vacation because it is like your body wont move. I had big plans to finish my blog post yesterday but unfortunately my mind and body weren't on board. They were both in a distant far away land called "passed out!"

Number 2: About two weeks ago I started having the craziest vivid dreams. I wouldn't call them good necessarily...They are more like an episode of CSI. I'll give you an example because we live in superstitious land at this house, where you are not supposed to give all of the details of a bad dream:

The dream takes place in a bar in the middle of Nowhere, Texas. I am sitting at the bar with a girl I went to elementary school with, who haven't seen in 15 years. I happen to be nine months pregnant! We are discussing the missing person case of another friend of ours who we both suspect was murdered! dun dun dunnnnnn! Then somewhere out of the blue I go into labor and within 10 minutes give birth to a small litter of kittens...who I then go on to try and nurse in the middle of the bar!

This is honestly what the dreams are like...so weird. When I was talking to a friend of mine the next day who has two little boys, I said, "Do you remember having weird dreams while you were preggers? Her response was, "Yeah those were the best dreams I've ever had, mine were xxx rated!"

Wow, where the hell are my xxx rated dreams, cause I'm over giving birth to kittens, Thank you very much! I'm hoping that this is just the beginning and my xxx rated dreams will come. I mean I don't want to miss out on the joys of being pregnant!

Some readers have asked me what I'm craving at the moment: I would have to say that the main thing is fruit, I just can't seem to get enough. My favorites include strawberries, peaches, pears, watermelon, cantaloupe and really good blackberries and cherries. The only other thing that I can think of that I want is a really good chocolate chip cookie. I am definitely over crackers at the moment and most proteins and I are in a fight...

Here's to hoping we all have some xxx rated dreams....
xoxo chef a

The claws are coming out!

On the IPOD "Straighten Up and Fly Right" by: Natalie Cole

Getting married and having a baby are two of the times in a woman's life that she will unfortunately see the claws come out. It shouldn't be that way but sometimes it just is. I think in general it is in our DNA to be slightly jealous when a friend or family member that is close to our own age is going through either of these life changing events.

During the last 3 weeks I have noticed slight changes in my friendships. I have some friends that are thrilled and excited about every part of it, some who might be a little jealous but have been incredible especially knowing my past experiences while pregnant, and then others who I'm pretty sure have fallen off the face of the earth, if I do hear from them it is far and few between and they usually call to discuss their own drama.

I do understand it, kind of. I mean it's difficult when you see your friends going through a new stage in their life. And maybe it's something you want... I mean my take on it would be different...but I'm trying to respect their boundaries. When my friends got married before me, I wanted to be as involved as possible. When they had babies I have been there for every milestone they've reached. I'm not saying I was never jealous, but the fact is that it is more exciting for me to be involved than to walk away from it. I do know what it feels like to want something so badly that you would go to any means necessary to get it, but I wouldn't turn away my allies in the process.

The good thing is that all of this cattiness is not phasing me! I've got my eyes on the prize and I'm trying to enjoy every part of it, minus the "cookie tossing."

Hopefully at some point during the next 7 months, the girls who are having the issues will come around. We will see...lucky for them they have this blog that allows them to be totally part of it without letting me know that they actually care... So if you are reading this remember that it is really only worth it to be jealous of me if you have been with someone for almost 13 years and you are still not married or pregnant because then you would be in a worse predicament than I was just a year ago!! So if that's the case hate away...otherwise just remember that you are on an incredible journey and when you get there you will look back just as I do today and say, "Ok, that was worth it!

xoxo chef a

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream...

On the IPOD "Little House" by: Amanda Seyfried

First item of business...I have a few clients who are going out of town for the summer and although normally I take a break, this year because of our impending baby I would love to pick up a couple of clients. I thought I would offer it up to my readers before the general public. If you are interested in having some delicious nutritious meals that I prepare right in your house using the freshest and best ingredients let me know. You can reach me through email AmandaM037@aol.com or on the phone 214-460-6579.

So with that out of the way, Yesterday I broke down and had an ice cream cone for lunch. It was really the only thing that sounded edible as the thought of real food is really making my stomach turn these days. I have to say it was fantastic...a single scoop of peppermint ice cream on a sugar cone. To be honest I can not remember how long it's been since I stepped foot in an ice cream store... I have to admit that while walking in I did think, "Oh god, these people are probably thinking, poor little chubby girl who cant stop eating ice cream."

And I did feel like I needed to scream from the roof top, "I'm pregnant and the baby wants the ice cream it's not me!" When I got home I of course did the math just to see what I had gotten myself into. Hmmmmm 230 calories 7.5 grams of fat. Actually I'm ok with that...it's not the best choice ever and I'm sure carb wise it's a horrible choice but while I'm tossing my cookies it works and I could always drop the cone from the mix and it would bring the calories down to about 150. At least if I go to the store I can control the amount and I'm not waking up at 2 am eating ice cream. Bonus I got it at Braums and it cost me a whopping $1.35! Pretty good deal!

Now that I've been up since 4am, I'm tired again, imagine that... Time for a power nap! Have a great day today!

xoxo chef a

The Other Side Effects...

On the IPOD "Paperweight" by: Joshua Radin

When you are a young girl you are told about the dreaded morning sickness when you get pregnant, I mean it's in every movie, book, and t.v. show. But I ask you very calmly why doesn't anybody discuss the other unfortunate side effects. They don't tell you that in fact morning sickness can last all day or that your boobs will feel like they are on fire. They also forget about the pulling and cramping that you'll feel as a nice little room is built inside you. Of course nobody discusses the bathroom issues or the fact that I could give a heavy beer drinker a run for his money with all the belching going on (for the record I don't think in the almost 13 years that Mike and I have been together I have ever burped in front of him...until now.) Soooo attractive!

I do know that this is just the beginning of this fun yet embarrassing roller coaster ride that I am on and I haven't forgotten the prize at the end. But if I have to see another disgusting public bathroom, I'm going to throw up literally! :)

Let me give you a little low down of the restrooms that I've visit:

Walmart and Target- Pretty much always a good choice, they keep them decently clean.
CVS and Walgreens- This is a toss up can be good and can be really bad
Dicks sporting goods- This has possibilities unfortunately I had a horrible experience
Tom Thumb- I'll give it a thumbs up
Albertsons and Kroger- Not good experiences for me, but it might depend on how new the store is
7-11- Run far away, still giving me nightmares
Starbucks- downtown- public bathroom not a good choice, suburbs- not bad
Central Market/Whole Foods- always very clean and usually has nice smelling soap
Lucky Brand Store- actually very nice, although I'm pretty sure the girl working there could hear me getting sick since she asked if she could get me a chair to sit down in.

That is all that I can remember at this time but I will update you when I deem it necessary.

The only cravings I'm having at the moment are popsicles and lolly pops and I've been trying to eat at least a little peanut butter everyday so that I get some amount of protein since I'm off any other sources of it. Weight wise I'm doing perfect I have had some weight loss that the doctor said is totally normal and good for the moment. And I actually feel pretty in control of my food choices. To tell you the truth I have been a little scared about losing that control but as of today it's there and in full force.

Mike got me into the pool this weekend and it was really nice and relaxing. It is completely ridiculous that it is already 102* the first week of June in Dallas. It should make for an interesting summer...

xoxo chef a

Missing Nia...

On the IPOD "All that Jazz" by: Various Artists (Chicago- The Musical)

Oh, how I miss Nia... I have been taking Nia classes since September and it has changed my life. I never though in a million years that I would actually find a workout class that I can't stand to be away from. But when my doctor said at the last visit that considering my past pregnancy history he felt that it would be better to not dance until we can get a better look at the baby (to be reassuring to everyone we have seen a heartbeat and everything is in the right place...)in a couple of weeks, I agreed to sacrifice! :)

I miss every part of it though: the music, the moves, but most importantly I miss the people. I have made some of the most incredible friends and I miss them terribly! Although I feel their love from a distance, I'm really ready to be back... There is something about dancing that makes you feel relaxed and allows you to let go of whatever drama you brought into the room. It is ultimately freeing! I cant wait for the baby to experience the calm of dancing to some of the best music out there and to be a part of this special community!

To my friends: I miss your bright and shining faces! I hope that nobody is stealing my spot mainly because I don't want to have to steal someone else's spot when I get back because I will be back...I have had a big talk with the baby and I think we have come to an understanding that dancing is just a must even if I have to break out level 1/2 which I'm pretty sure relates closely to 6th grade slow dancing! :)

My hope for you out there is that you find an activity that you love as much as I love dancing because it will change your life. It will change the way you see yourself and your body. And most importantly it will allow you to be in the now and that seems to be a hard place to get to in this fast paced society that we have built...

I'm going to go and eat a cracker before you know who has a freaking conniption!

xoxo chef a

Praying to the Porcelain God

On the IPOD "Stay Here Forever" by: Jewel

One of my best friends Stacy came in town for the weekend and I have been looking forward to it for a really long time! We decided to go out for a really nice dinner at a restaurant called Loft 610 on Saturday night. As it got closer to the time we were supposed to go I was starting to feel a little funny... I ate some crackers and the feeling went away so we decided to continue with our plans.

When we arrived, everyone ordered drinks and although I don't miss the alcohol, I do miss the myriad of choices. We ordered a small appetizer of flatbread which we all shared and it was great. Stacy and I then shared a little salad of chopped veggies. When my dinner came a little wave came over me, but I pulled myself together. I had ordered Wild King Salmon but let me assure you obviously the baby wanted nothing to do with salmon!

I continued to eat a little bit because it is still mashed into my brain that food is the cure all for anything. Well it didn't take long before I was in the bathroom "praying." I finally thought it was over and went back to the table. Mike could see the fear in my eyes and sort of rushed the end of the meal... Stacy came back over to our place and things just got worse. Thank goodness everybody went outside when we first got there because another lesson I have quickly learned is that dinner followed by a car ride doesn't really work for me. When they came back inside Mike found me laying on the bathroom floor... It finally began to ease up and I finished the night with a popsicle.

The weekend continued with much of the same news... Here's to hoping cooking meals doesn't throw me into a tailspin today... fingers crossed!

My client menu for today is:

Chicken Souvlaki with hummus and tabouli
Chicken Enchiladas
La Scala Salad
Jalapeno Chicken
Chicken Fajitas
Egg Salad
Chicken Salad
Gazpacho
Balsamic Braised Short Ribs
Roasted Brisket with Carrots and Potatoes
Cucumber Salad
Roasted Mixed Vegetables
Key Lime Pie

xoxo chef a

P.S. I am considering switching the blog over to wordpress... Does anyone have any strong feelings about this? You would still be able to follow the links off of facebook and twitter but it would make commenting a lot easier for you, which seems to be a problem at the moment. Anyways if you have thoughts please feel free to let me know!

The News..

On the IPOD "The Wood Song" By: Indigo Girls

Well the true beginning to this journey began three weeks ago yesterday... The doctor had told me that on Saturday May 8th I would be able to take a pregnancy test and get a real answer. So on Friday night, my friend Erica and I were taking our friend Lisa to her surprise birthday party and the plan was to stop at some point and get a test...Luckily for me Lisa received a gift filled with a pregnancy test along with other random sex paraphernalia, I happened to be sitting right next to her so I looked at her and simply said, "Yeah I'll be taking this!" Let it be noted that this was possibly the cheapest pregnancy test on the market, I'm pretty sure the girl that bought it got it at a "gift" store. So with that job out of the way we went on to having a great night...

To give you a little back story Mike was out with his work friends bowling and drinking way too much and arrived at home with an instant hangover (like the sick kind...)

So on Saturday morning I woke up at about 6 and bee-lined for the bathroom, test in hand. When I tell you about the cheap test I mean it came with a syringe that you had to use so that you could drop 4 drops of pee on the stick (like chemistry class.) So I placed the test flat, dropped the 4 drops on and waited the 2 minutes as instructed. It looked like a second line but I just wasn't sure so as Mike was "praying to the porcelain god" I peeked in and said "I think your going to be a Daddy, does this look like a line to you?" (I'm pretty sure this might have made him even more nauseous, I think guys always think they are ready for the first one but when reality hits they realize that their entire life is about to change.) His answer was a mumbled, "kind of..." Not exactly the answer I was looking for... So I quickly suggested that I run to the store and get him some Sprite and pick up a couple more tests. He agreed!

When I got to the store I got the sprite and bought one of each kind of test (just to be sure.) When I got home I quickly handed him the sprite and ran to the bathroom. I took the regular two line test first...and there were definitely two lines. Then I went ahead and took and digital test too, and there is said it in bold print YES+...

Now I'm not good at keeping my own secrets, other people's I can handle, but not my own. I would say by 4 pm all of my closest girlfriends knew. The only one we saved was Mike's parents and sister because Sunday was mother's day and it was just too perfect.

I wrapped a pacifier up in a cute little gift bag and handed it to them. Within a second they knew what it meant!

xoxo chef a

A Change...

On the IPOD "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" By: Dixie Chicks

The reason I picked this song today is because I always thought that this would be what I would sing to my kids to help them fall asleep... Well it looks like that time has almost come... Yep as some of you have already guessed I'm pregnant. That's of course why I have been up so much in the middle of the night and getting sick in cars and craving spicy foods.

To tell you the truth I was going to wait to announce it till I was a little further along but yesterday I had a very rough scare and the first thing I thought was that if something happens I want to write about it. The blog is my saving grace and trying to keep this secret has almost been killing me. After going to the doc this morning and getting really good news I decided that the truth is I want you all to be a part of this journey and hopefully the journey goes as planned but if it's not perfect I still want you there.

As of tomorrow I will be 7 weeks which makes my due date January 15, 2011! I am feeling pretty good just a little tired and a little nauseated. I know some of you will ask "well does this change your weight loss plan?" And the short answer is no. My doctor and I really don't want me to gain a lot of weight...the plan is actually to come out of this pregnancy healthier than I am now. So I'm working really hard to eat right and exercise (although no dancing for the next two weeks just to be extra careful.)

Mike and I are just thrilled and I am so excited to finally let you all in. Please think really good thoughts and if you pray we wouldn't mind that either. Now that it's out of the bag, you can expect some funny tales and definitaly the truth. Ugh! I just have so much to tell you we will back track a little starting tomorrow. So stayed tuned....

lots and lots of love
xoxo chef a

Woke up on the wrong side...

On the IPOD "Gone Away" by: Lucy Schwartz I love love love this song, It's haunting!

Well hello 4am! I guess we have officially become friends and I should just get used to it. It is a little hard for me to write this morning mainly because I think that although I'm awake I'm not really here... I would try to go back to sleep but I can hear my husband coughing and if I'm in there tossing and turning neither of us will sleep.

Yeah this is not working I'm going to lay down....to be continued

Ha! Well this was actually yesterday morning... after laying down for just a minute I woke up an hour late for work. You might be thinking oh well just an hour no biggie... Well that hour late turned into me rushing, accidentally stepping on the cat's tail. Him screaming, me checking on him and telling him I am so sorry but that he knows when I'm in a rush the best place to stand is not so much under my feet. Him finally getting over it right before I left. And then me managing to forget at least three items at each store before heading to my clients while forgetting all of my packaging containers.

Let me just assure you it was awesome...To top it off, knowing that I was not planning at all for eating I stopped by Subway to pick up a 6 inch nine grain veggie delight with spicy mustard, I mean you can't do much better for 230 calories in a rush... This is when the day just got terrible... So I'm in line to order my sandwich when the girl behind the counter says, the only bread I made this morning is the Italian herb and cheese (The most caloric and fattening bread they make)...This frustrates me because Subways whole advertising campaign is that you can stop by early in the morning and get breakfast and a sandwich for lunch. My issue is that I understand not having every choice available at 9am but logically you would think that the first two you make would be the whole wheat and a white so people at least have an option, just saying... So I left and drove 3 miles out of my way to a different Subway and got my 230 calorie sandwich!

It actually worked out well because there was another grocery there and I was able to pick up some containers and all of the forgotten items. When I got to work it was like every dish was taking double the amount of time, but I did finally get through in just enough time to pick my mom up from having a pain injection in her back (Sounds fun right!) When I got her home I opened up my laptop for a second thinking that I would write the blog but then quickly decided this morning was a much better choice.

The moral of the story is that when you wake up really early you just can't let yourself go back to sleep. It's just not worth it! :)

xoxo chef a

Car Sick

On the IPOD "If You See Him, If You See Her" by: Reba McEntire & Brooks & Dunn

There is nothing better than a music special on T.V. after a very long weekend! Sorry to everyone all wrapped up in "Lost" but it's just not my thing!

So we went to Austin this weekend for the memorial service for our friend Eric. To be honest it was incredibly difficult... First of all the normally short not even 3 hour drive seemed to drag on forever. And then once we were there, there was no shortage of tears. It is heartbreaking to see the men who are usually so strong in your life in tears. There was definitely nothing fun about the trip but I'm so glad we went.

Unfortunately the overwhelming emotions plus the car ride plus the mexican brunch added up to one car sick girl! Ugh! There is nothing cute about a sick wife. I don't care what anyone says, there are just somethings that your husband should not know about. And stomach sickness either way is #1 on the list! I'm feeling much better...I almost kissed the ground when the car stopped!

I'm working this morning and then going to a very sad (Boo!) going away lunch for one of my favorite girls Susie (She is just going to the shore for the summer but still three months is a long time.) And then I'm going to try and rest the remainder of the day, that should be an interesting task!

Here is the menu for today:

Turkey Meatballs with
Sauteed Mushroom Medley
Turkey Tacos with all the fixins &
Spinach Souffle
Miso Glazed Salmon and
"Mock" Vegetable Fried Rice
Peppered Beef Sliders with
Sweet Potato Fries
Barbecued Chicken with
Grilled Corn

Tonight I'm going to work on a new summer menu of healthy snacks to have in you fridge, I'll let you know what I come up with...If you have any ideas post them to the blog.

If you are having trouble posting comments to the blog please email me at AmandaM037@aol.com and I will help you!

xoxo chef a

Eric...

On the IPOD "The Blower's Daughter" by: Damien Rice

I'm sorry but I have to discuss something that is a bit off topic today. Mainly because I don't want to see this happen to someone else and if writing about an alternative might save someone's life then I have to do it.

On Wednesday night, my family lost one of our closest friends actually so close he was more like a part of our family. He fell into such a dark place that the only way he knew how to get out of it was to take his own life.

To be honest I don't understand suicide... One of my friends who has been in almost the same dark place tried to describe to me what a person in that condition is thinking. She said, "It's like their depression is a sickness and it's the only way they know how to stop the pain." This is my issue with it...First of all what makes someone think that when they die it will make that kind of pain go away? We are all in the same boat on this one...none of us really know what is going to happen after we die... But on the other hand their choice to end their pain causes a great deal of pain to their family and friends here, who have no choice but to live with it.

We are talking about an amazing 37 year old guy who was married and surrounded by friends. It saddens me to think that he didn't allow anyone in...He didn't ask for help or if he did it wasn't direct. He was truly one of the most hilarious and fun guys I have been lucky enough to meet in my life. And it just kills me that his beautiful wife is now left to pick up the pieces... I mean I can't even imagine.

My point in bringing this up is because I want to be clear to everyone who is reading this blog and who might be in some sort of despair. Suicide is not an answer. Please reach out to someone and let them know that you are in pain and need help so that you can be around to hear how much your friends and family care about you and we are not just telling each other. If you don't feel like you have someone to talk to please call:

1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255
or
1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433

There are professionals there who will listen to you and will get you the help you need.

Eric you are loved by so many and will be incredibly missed. I am so sorry that you were in such a terrible place. I hope that you have found the peace you were searching for and my heart breaks for your family...

xoxo chef a

Fear (revisited)

On the IPOD "Fear" by: Sarah McLachlan

I have already discussed the topic of fear, but I'm back again...
How do you deal with fear?

I have to start out by saying that I'm a natural worrier...it's what I do. I could worry about the wall if I tried. The anxiety I feel has been passed down many generations, it's like the present that everybody gets but nobody wants. And I'm pretty sure that anxiety is what is waking me up at 4 in the morning everyday.

When I think about getting pregnant these are the fears I have...
1. What if something happens, and I have to go through all of the sadness again?
2. How will I control my weight when I am not in charge of my own body?
3. How will I focus in dance class if I'm constantly worried about hurting the baby?
4. Is there such a thing as enough money??? (I think this is a normal one)
5. How will I ever stop worrying?

Those are the top 5 although there are many more that come in and out of my head. And I'm not saying that any of my fears are irrational. I just want to learn how to turn it off from time to time. I do think a healthy amount of fear is good for you...it pushes you and helps you to achieve your goals. But when it stifles you, that's a problem...

So I'm thinking about taking a course in meditation... I have a friend who recently took it and said it was amazing. I figure what do I have to lose?

So there was a request for a recipe:

Summer Vegetable Soup

2 cups celery, (I clean the whole bunch trim a 1/4 inch off the end and finely chop towards the heart using all of the leaves)
1 1/2 cups shredded carrots
1 large leek, split chopped and cleaned
2 32 oz boxes of chicken stock
2 16 oz cans diced tomatoes with basil and oregano
1 16 oz bag of frozen organic mixed vegetables
1 large zucchini, diced
Pepper to taste

I use a non stick soup pot, so that I don't have to add oil. Saute celery, carrots, and leeks over medium heat until soft. Add stock, tomatoes, and mixed vegetables. And bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a high simmer and cook about 30 minutes. Add zucchini and cook 5 min. more. Season with fresh ground pepper. I don't salt this soup because the stock and tomatoes both have enough salt but if you are using organic stock and tomatoes most likely you will need to add a little.

Oh, and my diet plan for the other day worked beautifully. It ended up being a great food day...I stayed on track, wasn't starving, and didn't really even snack!

xoxo chef a

Spicy!

On the IPOD "867-5309" by: Tommy Tutone

Up at 4am again...awesome!

Menu for today:
Vegetable Fried Rice
Spicy Cajun Shrimp Pasta
Egg Salad
Chicken Salad
Shredded Beef Tacos
Gazpacho
Salisbury Steak with Pan-seared Mushrooms
Jalapeno Cheese Sausages
Fiesta Lime Chicken
Chicken Fajitas
Summer Vegetable Soup
Baked Chicken Drumettes
Filet Mignon

Ugh! I'm already tired from just writing it... It is days like today that I have to be really smart about my eating habits. I mean its gonna be a long day and since its 4:30 right now, my stomach will be expecting lunch say around 10am. So lets plan a menu for me and see if it works... (I never really cook extra from my menu for work which really annoys my husband, mainly because it is just easier for me to stay focused, but today I'm gonna try something new) So I love Gazpacho and that's an easy one to double. I could probably eat it all day and never gain weight...

lets go with...

Gazpacho at 10am

Fiesta Lime Chicken Breast(I'll post the real recipe for this later, but this is made using a Mrs. Dash seasoning blend that doesn't have any salt and it is great!) with 1 cup of Chopped Romaine Lettuce topped with Fresh Pico at about 12:30-1.

I have coffee with the girls at 3, so maybe I can come up with a healthy snack to take... like cup up apples with almond butter, yum!

And then I'm back to NIA at 6pm which I am sooooooo ecstatic about!!!! Yay I have really missed it! Thank goodness I'm not going out of town anytime soon!

And then dinner... what to have for dinner??? That will have to be decided at a later time...

For some reason I am really into spicy foods right now, which is not necessarily my thing... but I think it has something to do with not using a lot of salt and oil and instead relying on the spices to add flavor. Whatever it is it's working for me and I'm not missing the added salt or fat. Spicy food is also said to speed up your metabolism, which is always a good thing.

Ok well, this has been fun but Amanda is going to try and grap 50 minutes of rest before this day starts again...I'll check back in later to let you know how it went today!

xoxo chef a

Completes Me

On the IPOD "The Way You Look Tonight" by: Tony Bennett

I just got back in town from a great wedding weekend! My Dad's best friend, Uncle Paul was celebrating the marriage of his daughter, Jacki, and it was so nice to see my Aunt Phyllis and old friends and to be a part of such a special event. To be honest there was only one downfall... It just wasn't the same without my Dad there, I think we all felt a definite void. Before I tell you this story I have to explain that my Dad had great friends and most of them were long term friendships. We figured out this weekend that my Dad and Uncle Paul were best friends for somewhere around 50 years. I would have to say that in their day they would have been referred to as "Players." So when one of Uncle Paul's cousins came up to him and said how good he looked and he responded by pulling up his pant leg to show how good his legs looked, I looked over and said "Oh...that was such a Joe Bill(my Dad) move!" He responded quickly with a smirk, "Oh no Amanda, Uncle Paul taught Joe Bill those moves!" We both laughed!

It was probably the hardest on my Mom...I think that you don't realize until someone is gone that there is an ultimate balance in a good marriage. My dad was stronger while he was by my Mom's side and I think my Mom was more confident by my Dad's side. My Dad could work a room, he could "fake it" if he had to... He would smile and act like he owned the joint. My Mom is much more reserved and she can definitely not fake it, I'm pretty sure she has to make herself go talk to people.

When I look at my own marriage I realize that I play my Dad's role and Mike my Mom's. I think I'm lucky to see it now. I know from watching my Mom, that there is no use in trying to make someone into a social butterfly when it's just not there thing.

So I guess I'm learning day by day how this marriage thing works. It truly is meant to create strength in numbers. It is my gentle hand guiding Mike through a sea of unknown faces just like he guides me through a savings account. We as a couple build up each other's weaknesses and together become stronger. I only wish I knew growing up that that was the fairytale...It's not just about looks or even just love, it is about finding someone who completes you...

I really think that Jacki has found a man who completes her and I hope they have many, many years of happiness, just like our parents have.

xoxo chef a

The Food Journal

On the IPOD "Friday I'm in Love" by: The Cure

So you know that all week I have been food journaling...well all I can say is that it is truly amazing to see what I actually eat. Not in a bad way...I've lost a solid 9 pounds since getting back from Florida.

I have been eating really healthy but the interesting thing is that I've been writing down the time too and no matter what crazy kind of day I'm having I still keep the same eating habits. For example: I have to take this fertility medicine with dinner at night, but I always forget to take it and end up having to have a little snack later just so I can take the medicine.

I also run to the pantry around 3:30 or 4 in the afternoon, Ive known this one for a while because it's national after school snack time but honestly it's not like I eat lunch at 11:15am any more. I'm not even necessarily hungry in the afternoon, but that snack somehow makes me feel better...

To tell you the truth I'm contemplating cutting out the thought of real meals and trying the small plate thing for a bit. I mean would I eat less if instead of filling up a dinner sized plate 2-3 times a day, I used say a cocktail sized plate filled with really healthy food 6 times a day??? I think this is an experiment for next week!

I'm so excited for the wedding I'm going to this weekend, I just can't wait!!! Bummed that I'm missing Nia, but I hope my friends will dance for me...

Client Menu for today:

Tuna Salad with Pita
Summer Chopped Salad
Black Bean and Cheese Burritos
Spicy Veggie Peanut Noodles
Grilled Halibut with Fresh Peach Salsa
Grilled Veggie Flatbread
Beef and Barley Soup

xoxo chef a

Why am I awake right now???

On the IPOD "What's Up?" by: 4 Non Blondes

I can't sleep...I mean let me rephrase that...last night I fell asleep at 9:30pm and of course now I'm awake at 3:30am. Ugh! There is nothing worse than being up in the middle of the night when you live with someone who wakes up if the floor squeaks. I mean Mike could have a party when I am sleeping and I wouldn't even hear it, but not me, I'm stuck in the office with no T.V. when all I can think about is the box of Chinese soup spoons that I need for a cocktail party tonight that are on the top shelf of the pantry. The issue is that I'm extremely A.D.D. so the chances that I will completely forget to get the spoons by 7 am is decently high!

Tonight's cocktail party should be a blast... One of my best friends is hosting it for her clientele and it is a great opportunity for me to open doors into a new group of women. At first she asked me to make chicken skewers...boring!!! Instead... I'm going to use the Chinese soup spoons and fill them with a twirl of Szechuan Peanut Noodles with a bite of Teriyaki Chicken on the top. Yum sounds good to me! And it better be a good party because I'm not thrilled about missing Nia!!

I have a family wedding this weekend which I'm soooo excited about, so yesterday I decided to go an see if I could find a new top to wear for one of the parties. Well I found this really cute black tank that is kind of crocheted at the neckline, unfortunately they only had one and it was a smaller size then I have been wearing but I grabbed it anyways and headed to the fitting room. First of all not to bitch but when will stores realize that trying on clothes under a freaking heat lamp is not comfortable and it actually makes me want to buy less. Note to retail clothing stores: The feel of burning flesh while trying on 6 pairs of pants makes me hate you and makes me never want to come back...just saying! Unfortunately, I couldn't walk away empty handed, the shirt fit and looked pretty hot actually! Whoo hoo!

For some reason, this is all I have been wanting...maybe because it's almost Summer!!

Gazpacho

1 large Hothouse English Cucumber, diced small ( like pico de gallo size dice)
1 Red Bell Pepper, diced small
1 Orange/Yellow Bell Pepper, diced small
2 cans Petite Diced Tomatoes
1 Sweet Onion, diced small
2 cloves Garlic, minced
3-4 cups of Tomato Juice
1/4-1/3 cup of White Wine Vinegar
Salt and Pepper to Taste
Cayenne to taste for spice
1 Large Ripe Avocado, small diced

Mix first 8 ingredients in a deep soup pot using 3 cups of tomato juice and 1/4 cup vinegar. Using a stick blender, pulse blender to break up some of the veggies, don't overblend...the soup is better a little chunky. Season with salt, pepper, and cayenne and add more juice or vinegar if desired. Finish by adding the diced Avocado. Let chill for about 1 -2 hours or more and then serve cold. Note: The Avocado will not turn brown because of all of the acid in the soup so don't worry!

Options: You can also add fresh cut grilled corn or cilantro for a change

Have a good day!
xoxo chef a

Pina Colada Pounds

On the IPOD "Love Me or Leave Me" by: Lena Horne
(Lena Horne died on Sunday night. She was one of my Dad's favorites and I thought it was only right to honor her.)

I had a great weekend... Friday night was my friend Lisa's surprise "girls only" birthday party. We had a great dinner and then I think managed to hit 4 different bars. Unfortunately by bar 2, I had realized that I kinda like my boring nights with my husband watching reruns on the couch. But I pulled it together and pushed through... when did I get so old???

Saturday night was Jule's karaoke birthday bash. Jule is the instructor of my Nia classes and we had a nice crowd of fellow Nians at one of my favorite activities Karaoke! It was so fun and it was great to see everyone in a whole different atmosphere.

On Sunday, I spent all day with my Mom. First my mom, my aunt, my uncle and I (I let Mike sleep in) went to this wonderful souffle restaurant called "Rise No.1". My favorite thing was the Marshmallow Soup, its a carrot and roasted tomato soup with three baby goat cheese souffles that look like marshmallows. It was amazing!! After brunch my Mom and I just hung out for the afternoon and then we all headed up to my in laws . My in laws are great and they invited us over for dinner and included my Mom which they do on a regular basis, which is so nice!! We had a nice time talking about our Florida trip among other things.

I finally got back to my pre-Florida weight. Those five pounds were hanging on for dear life, but they got the boot whether they were just water weight or pina colada pounds! I was so over them...

Over the weekend I did start food journaling again...mainly because I just want to be aware of what I'm eating. I feel great about my weight loss so far... It has been 8 months and I am feeling really good. I know I still have a ways to go but I feel myself getting healthier by the minute!

Tomorrow's Client Menu

Grilled Salmon with Spicy Mango Relish
Roasted Asparagus
Filet Mignon
Oven Roasted New Potatoes
Praline Baked Ham
Sweet Corn Casserole
Hamburgers
Cheddar Chicken and Corn Chowder
Sauteed Green Beans
Summer Gazpacho

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommies out there!!!!

xoxo chef a

Dangerous Words

ON the IPOD "Take Everything" by: Greg Laswell

So I've been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to discuss this but it has turned into me feeling like I'm holding it in and we all know that that path tends to end up in my kitchen so I decided to discuss it.

I'm going to start out be saying that my brothers are truly two of my very best friends. We have obviously been through every detail of our lives together... and I love them dearly. But I would be lying if I said that I have never been jealous of them... They have never had a weight problem... and they have always had a choice on what family activities to be involved with (and I'm not talking about the good activities, I'm talking about doctors appointments, hospice calls, taking care of business activities that no one wants to do.) I am by no means saying that they have never done anything... I'm just saying that the responsibilities of a daughter are different than a son.

The reason I need to bring all this up is not to bash them in anyway, it is mainly to show you how dangerous words are...

About 3 years ago, during a time in which my father was very ill, the three of us with our respective partners at the time and I would say 3-4 of my closest friends were hanging out at a bar called "Meridian Room" in Dallas. The subject came up that I, except for some awesome trips, have lived here. I went to college here and I stayed here.

My brother Andrew started in on me saying that I've never explored the world or lived my life...and that all I do is take care of our Mom and Dad... The lecture went on to include my weight! I was risking my health and not thinking of him or the rest of my family. To tell you the truth it is hard for me to remember past the outburst of crying that night but I remember words like unhealthy, disappointment, overweight, embarrassment, bad choices... To have this said to me in front of my family and my closest friends was probably one of the lowest points of my life. I felt abused and attacked! I think the episode ended when somebody finally turned to him and said "Enough!"

The thing is that it was hard for me to get defensive about it. I did stay in Dallas because my Dad was sick... it was also because I met Mike and there were more business opportunities here at the time. But to tell you the truth, I don't have regrets about that...I would have had regrets about not seeing my Dad everyday, I would have regretted not getting to grow up with Mike, I would have regretted not having some of the most incredible culinary teachers and I would have regretted not building a friendship with my mom (I was pretty much a pain in high school). On the issue of my weight...what was I supposed to say ... "you're wrong!" Obviously he was right, I was overweight and I still am. But does he even have the slightest clue whats it's like...NO! Did he understand that my weight defined me growing up? Did he understand that I felt trapped by it?? Did I as a child decide, well obviously the way I want to deal with my emotions is by eating??? I'm going to go ahead and say no...

But me bawling in the middle of a bar surrounded by family and friends was not exactly the most constructive way to bring up any issues he had with my choices...

What my brothers don't understand about my choice to be here, is all the stuff that is taken care of behind the scenes while they play. They don't know about the sick days, medical procedures, birthday parties, mothers day brunches, good days, bad days, sad days, and days when my mom's t.v. doesn't work. To tell you the truth I used to be mad about it (honestly sometimes I still am), but now I just feel sorry for them because they are missing out on her. And I am lucky enough to really know her...

I don't know why brothers and sisters are so critical of each other. Maybe it has to with loving a person so much that you feel like its safe. I, of course, forgave my brother for his outburst as I am sure he has forgiven me for things I have said. Because at the end of the day I know that he loves me and I love him, but it did effect my brain. It made me doubt myself, and I think of it often...

My brothers will never truly understand what it is like to be the daughter...They will also never understand what it was like to grow up as a chubby little girl with two older brothers that ate whatever they wanted and never gained a pound. Even though we grew up under the same roof at the very same time, our stories are so different which makes us kind of different and I guess that is what makes a family... A group of very different people, bound by blood...

xoxo chef a

Salted Toffee-Chocolate Squares

On the IPOD "Almost Lover" By: A Fine Frenzy

So this morning I got out of my bubble bath to see two new very uncomfortable friends residing on my chest... I've decided that the hormone shots are somebody's trick on poor innocent women. My boobs are easily the size of two cantaloupes and not in a good way, I feel like I'm turning into "The Hulk." Although my husband seems to not have as much of an issue with my two new friends, I unfortunately feel huge and have a slight attitude problem as well. I thought maybe I was bypassing the emotional part of it until someone asked me if I was feeling ok, and then as if on command I started tearing up for absolutely no reason at all, awesome!

I have been busting my butt at work this week and feeling pretty good about it. Yesterday morning I picked up a copy of "Everyday Food", It's a little Martha Stewart Magazine and found this incredible cookie recipe that I just had to try, so I picked up all the ingredients thinking that I would make them at some point. Then it dawned on me, I was going to be hanging out with two of my favorite girls (Jennifer and Lauren) in the afternoon, maybe we could make them together!

When I got to Lauren's house we got all caught up and then decided to try these bad boys out...by the way Lauren had no idea at this point that I was going to leave her with all of the cookies lol ! They took a cool 20 minutes and were fantastic, we even had to use a smaller pan and although I think they came out less crispy they still were fantastic! Jennifer took some home to her husband and his response was, "I think those cookies are pretty much the best things I have ever eaten in my whole life!" Wow that's a pretty bold statement...

Salted Toffee-Chocolate Squares
recipe adapted from Everyday Food, May 2010

12-13 Graham Crackers
1 8 oz Bits O' Brickle Toffee Pieces, in the baking aisle
1 1/2 cups Toasted Almonds, rough chopped
1 cup Butter
1/2 Cane Sugar
3/4 cup Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
3/4 tsp Sea Salt

Set the oven rack in the middle of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees. Use aluminum foil to line a rimmed cookie sheet (Let the foil hang over for easy removal).

Lay the full graham crackers on the baking sheet, touching each other. Sprinkle the toffee pieces and the chopped almonds evenly over the crackers. Set aside.

Combine the sugar and butter in a small saucepan and cook over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally. Bring the mixture to a boil (it will be foamy) and then reduce the heat to medium-low. Simmer for a few minutes, until the mixture has the consistency of a syrup. Remove from heat and pour over all of the graham crackers evenly.

Put into the oven and cook for about 12 minutes. The top should be bubbly when you remove it. Immediately sprinkle with the chocolate chips and sea salt. Let cool for about 10 minutes, and then use a pizza cutter to cut into 2 inch squares. Transfer the baking sheet to a cooling rack and let cool fully before eating.

We didn't have a rimmed baking sheet so we just used a 9 X 13, lined it with foil and ended up obviously using less of everything!

Yum so glad I didn't take any home cause I would be eating them right now!! Thanks Lauren and Jennifer for helping a girl out! XOXO

Have a wonderful day!
xoxo chef a

Hunger Pains

On the IPOD "Be Still" by: Kelly Clarkson

I would be lying if I told you I feel completely normal right now at 3:16 in the morning. I'm having crazy dreams and I have woken Mike up three times and let's just say he's over it :).

Why is it that when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm starving...like I haven't eaten in weeks. The sad thing is the myriad of things I'm in the mood for: I would totally eat a ramen cup of soup (most likely the saltiest and most processed food product on the market), I would also tear up some bagel chips and extra spicy hummus or even a can of green beans. I know the last one is just plain weird yet if you were to be spying on me at the moment you would see me opening a can of organic green beans, it's not that I wouldn't rather have nice fresh haricot verts (french green beans), but I don't have any and to tell you the truth there is something comforting about the odd metallic taste of cold canned green beans in the wee hours of the morning...

When I was gone last week I did alot of thinking... I have been teetering with the revelation that I'm a little burnt out cooking wise and I knew that I just needed a jump start. I needed time to visit local markets and to cook from my heart instead of counting every calorie. I needed to throw things in a blender and see what came out.

Being a chef is sort of like having an attitude problem. It is half real cooking knowledge and half cockiness. It is a delicate balance, because if you think too much or question yourself you could end up losing your edge. To be honest the issue with my client a couple of weeks ago threw me for a loop...it made me question what I'm doing as a chef. It wasn't that I didn't know the answers, I think I just had to find them out again... I know that my first love is dinner parties where I'm given some amount of creative control and I know that I like personal cheffing because it allows me to create bonds with the families I'm feeding. But beyond that how does artistry intertwine with crazy diets. How do I change the school of thought that has made americans want the most amount of processed food for the least amount of calories instead of a smaller portion of the best tasting real food? I don't know the answer yet, but I know that if I want to stick with this career I need to find out. I know that I'm more excited about work tonight than I have been in weeks and that's a good thing!

I don't know... I'm sure it has to do with my personal dieting...I need to find a way to allow myself to love food. I will never be someone who looks at food as a source of energy nor do I want that. My relationship with food has always been a love affair, it just used to be a manipulative abusive one and now I just want it to be a healthy one.

xoxo chef a

Rosemary Beach

On the IPOD "Orange Colored Sky" by: Natalie Cole


Ugh! I feel like I've been holding back for a week, but it is a scary world out there and it was just better to not expose that my entire family was out of town!

So last Friday night my brother Adam, his wife Audra, my brother Andrew, his girlfriend Natalie, Mike, my Mom and I set out on an adventure to Rosemary beach, Florida. My mom rented a house there for all of us to stay in to celebrate her 70th birthday, which was in March but this is when we could all get away. We drove there; 3 cars, 14 hours, at least 3 hours of blinding rain on the way there, not exactly fun, but we made it at about 2pm Saturday afternoon (this is why the timing on the shot last week was so important...didn't really want to pull over on the side of the road with my mom in the back seat!!). I have been looking forward to this trip for months, I was also slightly nervous about it (a large amount of very strong personalities = disaster.) But I had gotten myself ready with the mantra "I will not be engaged!" And I held my ground pretty well.

I decided to let the diet go for one week and to enjoy this time with my family. I went into it knowing that the hormone shots were going to make me bloated and hungry and guess what, they lived up to it. I'm still carrying about 5 pounds of water weight and I'm not thrilled about it but hopefully in the next week it will all even out. The best thing about the trip was my morning run. Every morning I got up around 5:30 or 6:00 and ran on the beach. I'm not a big runner but running on the beach is different, it is like a meditation. The sand between your toes, the waves crashing against your feet, and the sun rising above your head. It still takes my breath away when I stare out into what looks like a never ending horizon of water. For that hour, I allowed myself to be in my head. This week I'm going to delve into all of those thoughts...my plan was to write blogs while I was in Florida each day and wait to post them until we got back but on the first day my husband gave me this look and said, "I need you to be here, that can wait." Well what are you supposed to say to that??? That is why you got two very short blogs in the last week. although the recipe part was true I did make some awesome dinners on the trip!!

To be honest, I am being extremely hard on my self about the 4-5 pounds staring at my face when I step on the scale, but I'm hoping since my hands hurt when I squeeze them together and my ring is tight, that it really is just water weight! I posted some more pictures from the trip on my facebook page. And today I'm going to post a video of the ocean that is pretty calming. If you are not my friend on facebook feel free to add me! This was a really emotional trip for me and I can't wait to share my thoughts with you...stay tuned!

xoxo chef a

3 way mirrors

On the IPOD "Black Horse and The Cherry Tree" by: KT Tunstall

Bathing suit shopping is like society's cruel game on every female. First of all you have to take at least three days to get yourself mentally ready to look at your body in a three way mirror(aka the devil). Then once you get to the store you have to wade through all the beauties modeling the tiniest bikinis available (the only glory in this is knowing that they are most likely looking at their bodies in disgust as well.)

A couple of days ago I went on a mission to find a bathing suit that looked...well...good! I got to the store grabbed a stack of ten and headed for the dressing room. At first I was hoping that I was going to find a fantastic suit that made me look like a supermodel, but as I became more beat down by the vision in the mirror my desire to look like a supermodel turned into a desire to find one that just fit and looked half way decent. The most difficult thing about buying a bathing suit is spending a bloody fortune on something that you feel just ok in... I finally settled on a two piece tankini, a little black skirt and a teal (yes i said teal) halter tank with a built in under wire bra. The bra was a necessity... it is amazing how much skinnier you look with a good bra on, it made such a difference that I was willing to turn my back on my signature color of black. I mean don't get me wrong I am not going to be wearing it out on the town any time soon, but if I need to say go to the beach I will at least be prepared!!

I made the best fish tacos last night. I used a fish called Cobia, it was fantastic! The tacos were whole grain crispy shells, blackened Cobia, shredded cabbage, pico de gallo, feta, and a little guacamole. But the best part was the spicy avocado cream sauce that I served on top. You could use it in about a million ways: enchiladas, taco salad dressing, as a dip with queso and salsa. Here is the recipe:

AVOCADO CREAM SAUCE

1 pint sour cream (You can use light) but I always use "Daisy"
1 large avocado
1/2 jalapeno, seeded and minced
2 cloves of garlic
2 T red onion, minced
salt and pepper to taste

Put first 5 ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Season with salt and pepper. And chill until ready to use.

xoxo chef a

My trip to the vet...

On the IPOD "Ghost" by: Indigo Girls

So this fertility stuff is getting quite humorous. I went to the doctor Friday morning to get a trigger shot, not knowing that there was going to be a firm time table on when we had to "do laundry". When the doctor and I realized that the time table didn't work he explained to me that I could just give it to myself and the nurse went ahead and taught me how. I'm pretty sure that during the lesson I completely tuned her out and was just focusing on the prospect of putting a needle into my own skin... So I left the office knowing that I needed to find a way to get this shot in the next 4 hours. I called anyone who I thought might be able to do it and timing wise nothing worked. I finally had a last minute thought to call my vet. Yes you read correctly I actually called the vet to see if by any chance they would give me a fertility shot. You know you've hit rock bottom when you are getting shots at the vet :) . They were totally on board no problem at all thank goodness. I just wish I had a picture of me bending over right next to the dog scale!!!

Hey I went away thinking that if by chance I actually do get preggers at least I will have a really good story to tell my child about how much we wanted him/her.

To be honest the shot sucks, I feel slightly (lol) emotional and I'm surrounded by family, which leads to a fun mix to say the least!!! "May the force be with me!!!" Anyways I made an amazing dinner last night:

Chopped salad with cajun grilled shrimp and bloody mary sauce
Lemon Butter Grilled Mahi-Mahi
Smashed Potatoes
Oven roasted Asparagus

Yum so good!!

And now Im heading off for a run... to work off that lemon butter sauce!! Ill check back in later...

xoxo chef a

Checked Out

On the IPOD "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

What does the idea of NO MORE DRAMA mean? I think that in general we as a society have mixed feelings about it... On one hand we really don't want to be involved and on the other we just can't seem to look away.

It has been brought to my attention that I'm an easy target for drama. It probably stems from the fact that I'm a pleaser... I allow myself to be right in the thick of it... And I can't anymore!

When I wake up in the morning I have to make a conscience effort to pick myself. I'm so used to spending my time "working" on all of my friends that I can honestly say it is painful at times when the phone rings and I know that I shouldn't pick it up.

Yesterday morning I had a visit with the OB/Gyn. The nurse calmly sat me down in the waiting room and said, "I feel your tenseness, the stress needs to stop if you want to get pregnant." Ha! easy for her to say...trying to get pregnant is like waiting for water to boil. You want it to happen so quickly so you just sit there watching it, like somehow that is going to speed it up. Unfortunately the more she spoke with me the more I realized that she was not talking as much about my stress over the pregnancy, it was more about the outside stress that she could see permeating through my brain. Who knew I was so transparent??

I guess I'm a slow learner because it is just now hitting me that sometimes you just have to sit back and watch the drama pass you by...you can't help the ones drowning in it without drowning yourself. And it is extremely difficult to watch!

My friend Lisa and I have created a code word...whenever we are being engaged by the drama, instead to picking up the phone or sending a unnecessary text to the drama devils, we just simply text each other the word, vagina! I mean in general it's pretty hard to not laugh when you see the word (or derivatives of the word) pop up on your phone. I guess it's our simple cry for help...

I completely checked out yesterday...I needed a day to feel the frustrations of infertility. I needed to cry and mope and really give myself an opportunity to grieve over the fact that I'm not one of those girls that can just think about having a baby and then all of the sudden be pregnant (BTW I have thought I was this girl my whole life, like a Fertile Mertle) This infertility stuff is like a bad dream!

I ended my day with a chef meeting at a place called "Chocolate Secrets". They have the most beautiful delicious french chocolates. And it is true, chocolate just makes you feel better!!

I do have one exciting bit of news... I was shocked to get on the scale last night and see that I have lost 7.5 pounds in the last 10 days. WHOO HOO!!!

xoxo chef a

No More Drama

On the IPOD "No More Drama" by: Mary J. Blige

"(talkin')
So tired
Tired of all this drama
You go your way
I go my way (no more, no more)

So tired
Tired of all this drama
Yeah

(singin')
Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
Cuz I can guarantee that I'll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life, no ones gonna make me hurt again)
No more in my life

Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn’t be around
Or maybe I liked the stress
Cuz I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don’t wanna cry no more

No more pain (no more pain x2 )
No more game (no more games messing with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life, no ones gonna make me hurt again, no more)
No more in my life

No more tears (no more tears, I'm tired of crying every night)
No more fears (no more fears I really don’t wanna cry)
No drama (no more drama in my life I don’t ever wanna hurt again)
No more in my life
Wanna speak ma mind wanna speak ma mind

Hooh it feels so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain (free from all the pain)
Free from all the games (free from all the games)
Free from all the stress (free from all the stress)
So find your happiness

I don’t know
Only god knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It’s up to us to choose
Whether we win or lose
And I choose to win
Ohhhh...

No more pain (no more pain, no more pain, tired of crying)
No more game (tired of your planning games with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No more in my life (no more x6)

No more tears (No more tears, no more crying every night)
No more fears (No more waking, be up in the morning)
No drama (leave me alone, go ahead)
No more in my life (hey yeah)

No more pain (no more)
No more games (no more games, I’m tired, I’m so tired)
No drama (No more x6)
No more in my life
No more

No more drama (I’m tired of all this drama)
No more drama (go ahead, go ahead, you demons getting out of my face)
No more drama (go get a my life, I'm about to lose my mind)
No more drama (help me, help me sing)

No more drama (no more drama, no more, no more)
No more drama (yeah)
No more drama (no, no more)
No more drama (help me sing, I need a piece of mine 3x)

No more drama (yeah all I need, hide but nicely I need to know that you are free)
No more drama

Oh no x2
No more x2
No more drama x2
In my, in my... life

So tired (I'm so tired)
Tired of all this drama
(Oh help me please....)"


I WILL ELABORATE LATER!

xoxo chef a

Fields of Gold

On the IPOD "Fields of Gold" by: Eva Cassidy

It feels like I've been waiting forever to use this song, but here it is... One year ago today I said I do to the most incredible man I know and this is the song that I picked to walk down the isle to. To be honest the song was picked way before we were even engaged! The lyrics say it all:

"I never made promises lightly,
and there have been some I've broken
But I swear in the days still left,
We'll walk in fields of gold"

I can only hope that every year is like this past year... Full of excitement, love, and growth. I don't think I would have been able to take this blog journey without all of the support and encouragement from Mike. As cliche as it sounds, he completes me.

We started celebrating on Saturday night with an unbelievable dinner at Five-Sixty by Wolfgang Puck in Reunion Tower Downtown. It was phenomenal!

First Course:
Hamachi and Tuna Sashimi, Daikon Kaiware Salad, Sticky Rice, Yuzu Ponzu
Sauteed Crabcakes, Red Thai Vinaigrette, Mango-Cucumber Relish

Second Course:
Beef Filet "Au Poive" Snow Pea, Wild Mushrooms, Smoked Shallot Sauce
Wok Fried Whole Sea Bass, Ginger, Ponzu and Thai Chili Sauce

Dessert: Fuji Apple Crumble a la mode

After dinner we met some of our best friends for a drinks and then headed home. Such a good night!

This morning I let Mike sleep in and I went to have birthday breakfast with my favorite two year old Asher. We had a blast, there is nothing like seeing a 2 year old on a sugar high!

After breakfast, I came back home and Mike and I spent the day relaxing, well with one trip to the furniture store (geez we're so married lol!)

We went for a quick low key dinner and managed to get back in time for The American Country Music Awards... I love me some music awards shows :)

So last year I went to a lot of trouble vacuum sealing the top of our wedding cake. For a year it has looked perfect, completely air tight and ready to just be defrosted. Well here was the day, I let it thaw in the fridge over night and even though our bakery provided us a new cake (which we got in the grooms cake flavor since neither of us got to have a piece at the wedding!) I still insisted that we both take a bite of the original to insure some good luck. Well let me assure you that it doesn't seem to matter if it is just frozen in plastic wrap or vacuum sealed, year old cake is just gross!!!

Now it's Monday morning and it's off to work once again...

Happy Anniversary Mike! I love you with all of my heart!

xoxo chef a

Blame it on the Clomid...

On the IPOD "Crazy Bitch" by: Buckcherry

Have you ever had an out of body experience??? Well I can honestly say today I did!

Background story but not an excuse... I have not been feeling great...Infertility drugs are definitely wreaking havoc on my stomach, upside is I can't eat (lol) downside makes me a "tad" irritable. So much so that I cancelled my client Friday morning because I knew I had a big dinner party last night. And I just needed some time... I also don't normally discuss client issues but to tell you the truth I need to vent!

I would say that in general I'm pretty even tempered at work, but I have my moments... I do like things done a certain way but usually I'm pretty calm about it. Friday was different! This dinner party has been planned for months...the menu was agreed too as well as the price but about 2 days ago I was called and asked to add some things. I explained that adding the items would change the price and that I would send her the invoice asap. Yesterday I got a call from her pretty much screaming at me telling me that she hired me because she thought I would be cheaper than another caterer (One I actually know!), but now we were the same price! She went on to say that because I don't have as much overhead as him then my prices should be cheaper! Note to client: not a good idea to tell Amanda how to run her business when you have no idea what her business costs are and especially when they just raised her dose of clomid.

Well let's just say this rubbed me the wrong way... And I lost it! As my friend Jessica would say, I completely fell off my rocker! Just to be clear I am not in the business to be cheap! When you hire a large caterer you are paying some 20 year old kid who has no training and is making minimum wage to make your cheap food. When you hire me I do all the work myself with minimal help. I shop at local stores and buy the best ingredients I can. And guess what...my food is way better! It is like the difference of going to a real doctor and going to the nurses office at a high school. Come to find out later in the night that the real reason I was hired over the other caterer is that I can make one of her mom's recipes and "blah blah catering company" can't do it (they have tried and failed!) My real issue is that if you have a problem with the price just call me and we will figure it out. I am in no mood to be talked down to!

It took everything I had to pull it together before the party started but I did... Funny thing is that all I heard all night was how amazing the food was. There was even a man there who used to be a caterer in the Dallas area but has since moved and his remarks were simple, "Your food and service were magnificent. How do you do it all by yourself? It's really amazing!" That comment right there definitely made the night more worth it! I have worked way too hard in my career to be referred to as the cheap one!!!! Thank you very much!

xoxo chef a

L-O-V-E

On the IPOD "Keep Breathing" by: Ingrid Michaelson

First off I have to tell you that I just took the most amazing Nia class called "Soundings". The music is like an opera, it tells the story of a warrior who goes off to war and then once the war is over he has to figure out who he really is... It is interesting to me that this happened to be the routine we did on a day that I was already so introspective about my own journey...

I want to talk with you about love! What does it mean to say that you love someone...I wish that there were a million other words to describe types of love but unfortunately there is only one real word that describes whatever love is supposed to mean. I hope I'm not rambling...

Is it possible to love someone if you don't love yourself?

For years while I was just dating Mike I thought we were in love...we lived with each other and had a life together, but looking back it wasn't real love. It was a sort of toxic love...each of us taking a turn hurting each other and then loving each other. Most likely if we had married then we would surely be divorced today. I cant speak for him but I know that for myself there is no way that I could have possibly loved him when I was so unhappy with myself. I would say that we truly fell in love with each other about a year and a half ago. I was slowly recovering from the death of my father and we went to see a therapist to see if there was something worth saving...

Our therapy sessions ended when we were at a crossroads... Pretty much the therapist asked, "What are you looking for in this relationship?" We had all the wrong answers and we left the session thinking that our relationship was over. There were tears and hurt feeling and fear for what the future held. But something happened on the drive home, I let go ... I let go of my incessant need to control the situation. I let go of my fear of abandonment. I let go my constant worry that he didn't love me for me and I decided that whether he loved me or not I was going to try to love myself. I slowly realized that I was worth something and I gave myself permission to be loved. And then all of the sudden nothing on the list of what I was looking for compared to my desire to share my life with him...rich or poor, kids or no kids, house or no house...

Over the last year I have realized that eveything I thought about love was just Hollywood. I have learned that real love is not about presents and romantic get aways (although those do help!) It is really about helping each other become the best version of yourself. I know now that love is selfless. And although it is hardwork and can even be painful at times there is not a minute in my life that I question my choice.

So I guess my question to you is what does love mean to you and are you really allowing yourself to be loved?

xoxo chef a

Poteet Karaoke

On the IPOD "All-American Girl" by: Carrie Underwood

It is Sunday night, Day 3, of the Poteet Strawberry Festival. We have sold thousands of dollars worth of jelly. The hours have been ridiculous, Saturday was a 15 hour day...We have dealt with wind storms and overcast and even a little rain, but it was actually pretty fun!

I'll start with yesterday to get you caught up...

So the most amusing part of yesterday was that while I was looking through the schedule of events I noticed that there was Karaoke from 12-6 on one of the stages. Well since not everyone of you know me personally, I have to explain that Karaoke is in my blood. I just can't seem to stay away if I know that it is happening. So I told everyone I'd see them in a little while and headed to stage #7.

When I walked up I was inundated with pageant girls, some young some old, but all dressed up with their hair done. I walked right up to the DJ and explained my situation. "I'm here selling jelly and I only have a couple of minutes, is there any way you could squeeze me in?" She agreed to let me up in two people! As I waited and watched the little girls singing their pre-rehearsed duet with their mom mouthing in the audience and the older man sing to his girlfriend, I wondered if I would be less or more nervous than when I sing at bars with all of my friends... I wasn't nervous at all, it even felt like the old days in high school and college when I actually preformed (I majored in Vocal Jazz Performance before switching to culinary school.) When I left the stage I felt great! Singing makes me feel stronger in my soul and I tend to forget that until I do it again. I was even approached by a woman looking for talent to play in a couple of bars in Corpus Christi (a small beach town in Texas)...I explained that although I was flattered, I live in Dallas.

When I got back to the booth, I told everyone what had happened and explained that if my parents had just taken me to Corpus as a child I could've been a contender!

I have to say that the most amusing thing about the weekend is that I am by no stretch of the means a wilderness girl...I'm not big on dirt, I don't really wear jeans, I don't like the outdoors unless its a beach and I have a very big problem with bugs. It is such a problem that my friend Lacey, whose mom runs the booth next to us, has to save me from various critters on a regular basis. It's not just "Princess Amanda" though, my aunt and my mom scream at a pretty high pitch too..

Food wise I didn't do terrible... although I did break down and have fries and teddy grams for dinner tonight! Lol!! But I walked around the festival so much that surely I worked off every calorie I put into my mouth and the fries were totally worth it!

I'll miss my friends here in Poteet and of course my family, but I'm very ready to get back to Dallas. I miss my husband, I miss my friends, I miss Nia and I miss Wonton. I don't really miss work :P !!

Signing off from the 2010 Poteet Strawberry Festival!

xoxo chef a

And Poteet Begins...

On the IPOD "Sex on Fire" By: Kings of Leon

What does a girl really need on a short weekend trip to sell jams and jellies at the Poteet Strawberry Festival??? Well if your name is Amanda you need way too much stuff! You would have thought that I was moving in...

I'll give you the low down on what I brought, its quite enlightening!

4 pairs of black yoga pants
2 short black skirts
6 black tank tops
2 black sweaters
4 sets of black panties, bras, sports bras
1 black sweat shirt jacket

Do you notice a trend yet??

3 pairs of shoes
2 laptop computers (I wasn't going to take any chances...)
various beauty products
every possible medicine that I might ever need...
celery sticks
carrot sticks
A Box of Kashi Go Lean Crisp
bananas
Fresh made Tuna Salad, my little low cal cream cheese cups, and a bag of Baked bagel chips no oil or butter (from my favorite deli in Dallas!)

Nothing like being prepared for anything right?

I have made a big plan for the weekend. My plan is to work out as much as possible so that I can eat whatever I want! Good plan right?

So of course I had to work a little before we were able to leave town...What a shocker? 5 hours later we arrived in Pleasanton, Texas. Pleasanton is actually considered the "big town" next to Poteet. Poteet doesn't actually have a hotel or even a restaurant...

We went to Chili's for dinner which to be quite honest left a lot to be desired, but it is the only restaurant besides a trailer like building that has a sign saying, "steak house", uh... no thanks! When we got back to the hotel I went to work out and then called it a night...

The festival actually begins tonight, but we set up all morning and are now taking a short break before the fun begins! The fact that my mom, my Aunt Dorothy, my cousin Jeff and I are all staying in the same room (The hotel was overbooked) should make the trip all the more amusing...

Well I really just wanted to touch base with you... Before I get knee deep in jelly! My posts over the weekend will most likely be pretty entertaining and I will try to post lots of pictures so you can get the full effect.

Lots of love from Poteet, Texas

xoxo chef a

Expectations of Gold Stars

On the IPOD "Save Me From Myself" by: Christina Aguilera

Yesterday was a tough day! As I said to my friend Jamie I seem to be just frustrated with my own personality. I know I have touched on the fact that I'm a pleaser, but I am discovering little by little that it is deeply related to my issues, food included! I think it has less to do with the actual pleaser part of me and more to do with my expectations of how I should feel after the pleasing is done. I guess in some ways I'm looking for a gold star. It is really not fair to my family and friends that I tend to give them so much power over how I feel about myself. I don't think anyone wants to feel like something they say or do is really going to phase someone else's self esteem. But I think probably more times than not our actions do phase others even if we don't want to...

I have a sometimes annoying need to spread the wealth... I feel very lucky that I have such amazing clients and that I have had unbelievable opportunities in my career. That being said I sometimes feel like it is my duty to help out the new guys on the block, whether they are other chefs or just friends that are small business owners. I think I sometimes forget how hard I worked to get where I am today... 11 years ago I think I might have walked away with about with $25 on my first cook day which easily took 7 hours. To get in with the right clients I have done much more than a standard cook day...I have organized their kitchens and gotten involved in their charities, I have rocked their kids to sleep and counseled their teenagers, I have been a secretary, a toddler tamer, a carpooler and a friend. I have been there when they first made their money, when they almost lost it and when they made it back again. I have cried with them, I have hugged them and I have in most cases I have become part of their family. My job is much more than just being a chef...sometimes I might bitch and moan about it, but I know that the dues that I paid have in general made me a better business owner.

So that being said I think I need to just stop helping people so much! Mainly because I am obviously not doing it just for them, I am somehow expecting to get something out of it, like say a gold star! To say that I'm going to stop helping my friends and family is a joke, it won't ever happen. But I really need to work on what my expectations are because the under appreciated feeling really sucks!

I still can't get over the fact that I rely so heavily on food to make me feel better. It is like in my head I have decided that it is just the miracle cure for anything. Unfortunately then the cycle continues... I have a bad day...blame myself for it...try to find some amount of comfort in food (and believe me its not a grilled chicken breast)...then I feel horrible guilt for eating the terrible off limits food...and then I just end up feeling bad again...

I know some of you feel that at times I am too hard on myself, well in general you are right but writing about this in such an honest way seems to be an eye opening experience and even though it doesn't always stop the behavior it at least allows me to see it and really be aware of it...

xoxo chef a

SHPILKES!

On the IPOD "Crucify" by: Tori Amos

I'm going to start off by saying that I still can't get over my tan. My husband actually looked at me last night and said, "Alright stop looking at yourself already!" Ha ha I can't help it!

I am of having shpilkes(pronounced SH-PILL-KEYS)...Shpilkes is a Yiddish term that means nervous energy; to be feeling "antsy." You might ask me, "Amanda, why are you having shpilkes?" Well to be honest I don't know if I have ever not had shpilkes...But at the moment I think it has to do with going out of town for work in two days...The Poteet Strawberry Festival!

First of all, I'm not keen on leaving my husband on the only days he has off! Second I'm really annoyed that I'm going to miss Nia (I have even looked three times to make sure the hotel has an adequate workout room, which in the small town of Poteet, Texas is actually asking quite a lot!) And lastly but probably the most troubling is that I am very concerned about my eating situation... The food there is not healthy to say the very least... There are lots of gorditas, burritos, strawberry shortcake, pies, chocolate covered strawberries, tacos etc....

I'm a tad frustrated that it is taking more and more discipline to lose each pound and it scares me that this one weekend could throw me into a tail spin. Don't worry I have already decided that I'm going to grill a bunch of chicken breasts and take some other standard healthy food but to be real honest I cant imagine that I'm going to want to take my chicken out of the cooler and eat it instead of the authentic Tex Mex that is being prepared and sold by the locals all over the fairgrounds and on every street leading up to the entrance!

I know some of you are thinking, it's only one weekend Amanda just don't worry about it and have fun. Well unfortunately, I don't trust myself... Even after all the weight I have lost and all the good choices I am still currently making, I know that the bad choices are just lurking around the corner waiting for me to ask for their guidance...it is a constant battle of good versus evil. This just leads me back to my ongoing wish that I would just wake up skinny...it would solve everything! Ugh!

xoxo chef a