What sparks my light?

On the IPOD "Hazy (Feat. William Fitzsimmons)" By: Rosi Golan

Can not even explain how happy I am to be able to sit at this computer, in this semi dark room, by myself, while baby Levi and Mike are napping in the bedroom!

I swear I'm trying to find the time to get everything done...I think what I need is a voice recorder because I write blogs in the car all day long...its just getting them actually written that is the problem....

I watch my fair amount of television including some talk shows but I would not really consider myself committed to any of them except maybe "Parenthood" and 'Modern Family". But I have been an Oprah fan. I have not seen every show nor have I ever really been on board with the various other speakers she has invented...ie: Dr. Phil (ya I went to school with his kid it's really hard for me to understand his parenting logic when his kid drove an extremely expensive first car and is now married to a playboy bunny), Dr. Oz, or Nate. But I have loved her honest approach to life and some of her her guests are downright amazing. So when the last episode aired I have to admit I was sitting in awe of what she has accomplished.

Two of her quotes have hit me to my core:

"There's a difference between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing that you are worthy of being happy."

"You have to know what sparks the light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world. You have the power to change somebody's life."

I have been feeling pulled in my life which I think is pretty normal with a new baby, but when Oprah said these words to me (because that's what it felt like) it set off a rush of emotions. Don't get me wrong I love to cook and I love my job but it is not sparking any lights right now that's for sure! I used to think that if I could do anything in the world well besides a mom cause that has always been in the cards.... I would be a singer/songwriter...but that ship sailed long ago...and now singing has turned into a personal release that happens during Levi's nightly song session, the occasional karaoke night, and the concert I put on in the car everyday. So besides being a Mom...what sparks my light?

Oddly enough... although you could probably never convince my high school English teachers...writing sparks my light...writing is what I want to do...writing makes me happy! Cooking makes me happy too but I think I'm just burnt out from cooking right now or maybe I'm just burnt out from cooking for my clients. All I know is that the days I sit down at this computer and the days I hear back from all of you...are just better days! So I guess the next step is to allow myself to believe that I am worthy of being happy. I'm not quiting my job or anything crazy like that...but I WILL BE A WRITER! (Funny that I accidentally hit the caps lock before writing that... no joke!)

So thank you Oprah for somehow giving me permission to find out what sparks my light and for saying that I'm worth it! And thank you all for letting me say it out loud.

xoxo chef a

My Circle

On the IPOD "Gangsta's Paradise" By: Coolio (By the way this musical choice has nothing to do with the topic of this post it just happens to be what I wanted to listen to!)

So I've been a little bit overwhelmed lately... On the plus side business is great on the minus side I'm so busy I cant really reach the surface. In a way, I feel like I'm drowning... I worked all weekend only taking a break to visit a preschool open house and yes I have become one of those parents who puts their newborn on preschool waiting lists. I'm not necessarily proud of it, but to tell you the truth a $20,000 a year elementary school is not an option for us so I feel that if I can give my kid the best preschool experience out there maybe in the end he will still be accepted to the best trade school around! Only kidding, I know he will be fine either way but I'm still hoping that I become a millionaire before he turns 5, so it will all work out! lol! When I say I feel like I'm drowning I mean it in the best possible way... I love being a mom and I love working but doing both is much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. The good thing is that I'm going to therapy tomorrow and the focus of my session will be how to organize my life so that I can blog everyday, because blogging has changed everything about my life and I miss it! It clears my head and my heart! Lately I have been trying to write at 4:30 am and it's not working for me...I've ended up with 8 posts beginning with, "Well I've been a little overwhelmed..." So something has got to give...

I wanted to write about this a couple of weeks ago but it just fell through the cracks...

I went to dinner with a good friend a couple of weeks ago... She happens to be one of those people in my life that I just click with... We don't talk everyday or even see each other once a week, but the times we do hang out are epic. In our 2 hour dinner we discussed everything...our work, our futures and pasts, babies, and of course men. My friendship with her is extremely easy (I hope she would say the same.) We have known each other a very long time but our friendship is still relatively new in the broad scheme of things. Somehow our histories are sort of parallel so it feels like we've been friends forever. Our friendship lacks judgements, is heavy on honesty, and doesn't have alot of expectations except to be present when we do get to hang out. The best thing about her is that she makes me want to be a better friend.

I am so lucky for her friendship as well as all the amazing friendships that I am blessed with in my life. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life I forget to tell all of the wonderful people around me that I would truly be lost without you. Each of you, in your own individual way, make my life better. And whether at any moment in time I am strictly there for you or you are here for me, your place in my circle means the world to me.

I hope that those of you who are reading this are lucky enough to have circles, whether big or small, that are full of people who make you want to be a better you!

xoxo chef a

Pain in the Back!

On the IPOD "Time Warp" Rocky Horror Show Soundtrack

Why oh Why have I been awake since 3 am...Ugh! This has been the longest week ever... I'm so excited to announce that I have just under 10 weeks to go. I'm definitely uncomfortable...don't worry I'm fully aware that it is going to get worse. To say that my back hurts is an understatement...it is like I can feel my insides moving around to make room for the little boy and I'm a tad bit over it! I have decided that there isn't a comfortable seat... well... anywhere!

To top it off I have a full day of cooking later today...

I have gained 13 pounds so far. I'm hoping to keep it at under 10 more, yet as I sit here eating a small bag of mini oreos at 4:30 am, I admit weight loss is not at the top of my list of "To do's" at the moment.

I can't believe I have to go to work right now...there are some days that I wish I had a sick line that I could just call and say I'm taking a personal day. See you would think because I work for myself that I could just take off whenever, but unfortunately that is just not how it works!

So after I make...
Chicken Drumettes
Seared Pork Chops
Miso glazed Salmon
Butternut Squash Soup
Chicken Fajitas
Hamburgers
Turkey Meatballs
Veggie Lomein
Shredded Chicken Tamales
and various side dishes

I will be taking a nice long afternoon nap.

If anyone has any miracle tricks to easing the 3rd trimester aches and pains please enlighten me, so far I have tried warm baths, heating pads, Tylenol (which I'm pretty sure is just a sugar pill!), and every pillow on the market!

Any new ideas would be lovely! I hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween and at least got one bite of their favorite candy...Halloween candy doesnt have calories if you eat it standing up, right? I mean everyone knows that!

xoxo chef a

6 months down...

On the IPOD "Picture Window" By: Ben Folds and Nick Hornby

Something happens when you are pregnant... that thing in your brain that makes you stay calm and relaxed goes out the door and those who say obnoxious things to you take the chance of getting an earful in exchange. I guess you could call it...losing your internal filter. I can't even tell you the amount of times in the last week that I have just sort of lost it. I wish I could say that I want my filter back but I really don't... I really believe that most of society really needs to evaluate the garbage that comes out of their mouth and if it takes a baby boy who is sitting on my sciatic nerve to help me not take crap from people then I guess it's all worth it! :)

On a side note we went to the opening day at the state fair on Friday. A couple of interesting things happened...The first thing is that nothing really even sounded good to eat except of course for my favorite popsicle the "Nestle triple blast". They are huge and I had two! The second thing is that as if it happened over night my usually gracefull stride has taken a more waddle like appearance which honestly I'm not too thrilled about, but I guess it is just part of the fun! So I will just keep on waddling!

I am officially past the 6 month mark so just another 15 weeks until Baby Marrone is here! It really has gone by fast even if it feels like an eternity at the moment. I hope everyone has a wonderful Tuesday and I promise to try and control my rage against the nation...well unless someone says the wrong thing :)

xoxo chef a

The First Year....

On the IPOD "Breathe Again" By: Sara Bareilles
(Sorry to repeat the artist two posts in a row, but the album is just tooo good!)

The last three days have been rough! Who knew a knee replacement surgery was maybe one of the hardest surgeries ever. My mom's pain threshold is extremely high and yet the pain put her in tears. I'm just glad to be past day three! Thanks for all of your comments on facebook wishing her well!

Anyhow I left the last blog asking you who your worst critic is....the reason I asked is because when I was hangin with a couple of my favorite girls last week we were pretty much discussing how much "body hate" is ok. I know it seems weird to put it like that...I'm mean in a perfect world we would love our body no matter what, but yet our world is far from perfect.

Over the last year many things have changed in my life. A year ago I started this blog...I have relinquished almost all of my secrets to maybe get to a point that I would have to be completely honest with myself. In the process, I lost 60 pounds in 6 months and then after a year of trying, I got pregnant with the help of the best doctor ever, some lovely hormones, a husband, a veterinarian, and a relaxing trip to Rosemary Beach. It takes a village! Believe me when I say, I still have a ways to go on the weight loss front and it will be confronted as soon as this little boy is born, but the question still lingers over my head... Is my relationship with my own body healthier than it was a year ago???? That's a hard one...in many ways I would say yes, but yet even at 5 1/2 months pregnant, the 4 1/2 pounds that I've gained are still difficult and it's hard for my to not jump off the scale and watch every bite I take in complete and utter disgust. It seems that the line between being an over eater and being a fanatical weight watcher is getting thinner and thinner.

There was a time when I would have said that the people around me were my worst critics... but that has definitely changed I have realized that yes their comments were harmful to me and might have even exposed me to the news that I was heavier than the other kids, but it was me who turned their comments into a minute by minute battle within myself. If I continue to put the blame on them...I'll never really be able to have the control. And isn't that what I'm really searching for???? Whether I'm controlling myself by eating a snickers bar under my covers or looking up the calorie count of a restaurant menu before we go out to eat, it seems that what I'm really trying to feel is control. I have to say that's one of the most difficult parts about being pregnant... I really never have the control. Which could possibly put me in a tail spin when the baby comes and then my weight ends up being the only part of my life I can control...

I guess my conclusion is that this blog has saved my life! Not only in health, but by giving me the best gift ever and that is the line between my brain, my fingers, this keyboard, and you... Whether you are reading because you've known me my whole life and you find this window as a guilty pleasure or because you have no idea who the heck I am but maybe we share something beyond our place in this world. I thank you for listening and for your comments and for your good karma. And I hope one day to say that I have a good mixture of really healthy self love with a little bit of good old "body hate." I mean I wouldn't want to be plastic...

So to the next year....

xoxo chef a

Food Guilt

On the IPOD "Fire and Rain" By: James Taylor

Oh two o'clock why are we best friends this week?? It really makes me miss 4 o'clock who I would much rather spend time with!

I am definitely having mixed feelings about my body and food this week. I'm still waiting for that day that I totally look pregnant and the world around me can see a baby bump instead of what feels like just an expanding waistline... I mean the closest people around me can see a baby bump, Mike, my mom (who informs me on a regular basis...I'm not quite sure I like this by the way!), and some of my friends. But really for me the tell tale sign comes when my pants roll under my belly instead of staying where they should. I feel like I need suspenders! I feel a little guilty telling you this but when I look in the mirror I don't get that, "Oh my goodness there's a baby in there, that's so exciting" feeling. I do get it when I'm laying on the couch and I feel this odd sensation of fluttering in my tummy which I'm pretty sure is the baby moving around, but as far as a love for my body...it's not really there yet.

I said in the last post that I wanted to talk with you about my food issues. I want you to know that this is very hard for me to do because I feel like I should want to eat for the baby's sake. But in truth I am having major control issues... I wish I could tell you the amount of times I have gone back and forth over whether the effects of real sugar products are better than the unknowns of all of the artificial sweeteners out there. I'm a strong believer that fake processed foods lead to overeating and that they are really not a weight loss tool but instead an expensive way to gain weight. But on the other hand I look at the calorie count and I am sometimes persuaded to think that I could eat or drink so much more because of the lower calorie counts of those foods that maybe I should give it another try. The real issue is the guilt that I put on myself about going either way... There are certain foods that I feel comfortable with: fresh fruits and vegetables (and I'm not including treated produce ie:grape flavored apples), real cane sugar, organic dairy products and meats. I feel like I know these products and even with all of the issues in the food industry I still feel confident that if my 95 year old grandmother eats them that they must be ok. But what I question is that when they say that the younger generation will be the first generation to not live longer than their parents did, could it possibly not only be because of environmental issues but could the main problem lie in what we are putting in our bodies. Have we become just another prop in the food industries major marketing plan??

When I was just trying to lose weight and I sometimes felt like I needed help, I did look to all of the low fat/sugar free products to help me on my journey, but have I been misguided? My goals were to lose the most amount of weight as quickly as possible by eating lower calorie foods, exercising and trying to limit the amount of food and times that I ate. Now the tables have turned slightly, I am trying to eat the healthiest foods, still exercising, and trying to eat small meals as often as possible (which can be very difficult when you are used to limiting your intake of food.) All the while feeling like any wrong decision I make is going to somehow screw up my child for the rest of it's life. I mean don't get me wrong I know that it is all about being smart and eating a range of foods. But for as much as I know about the food industry I still feel so confused... I am by no means confident in my food choices and I think that it leads to a sometimes overwhelming amount of guilt.

I hope that this doesn't come across the wrong way or that people think I am too hard on myself, but this is the truth this is what runs through my head everytime I put something into my mouth and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only girl out there who is feeling this way... at least I hope not!

xoxo chef a

Missing Someone...

On the IPOD "Someone to Watch Over Me" By: Renee Olstead

Holidays are a funny thing... You can try as hard as you want to make it "a different kind of special" after someone is gone, but I think most of the time it just ends up being different.

Today we spent Father's Day at my sister-in-law's house with my in-laws, who I absolutely adore, but unfortunately it just wasn't a good day for me. First of all I don't feel good, I'm tired, and I'm throwing up constantly. On top of all that joy I'm an emotional wreck...I cry at almost every commercial, I actually had a mini breakdown in a baby store over their unfortunate selection of baby furniture on Saturday and today I realized that selfishly the only person I really want to hang out with on Father's Day is my own father. I'm fully aware that next year will be different because we will have a baby and Mike will be a Dad, but as far as today is concerned...I'm over it!

I can't help but feel horribly angry and sad that my Dad is not here... And I still can't believe that he will never really know his grandchild and that he is not here to remind me after a bad day that everything will be okay. I wish I could say that just being with Mike's dad was enough, but it wasn't. I thought about how weird it is that both my brothers and my mom are off doing others things with other people all with the constant reminder that just two years ago this day was so different. Not a sad day but a day to celebrate our Dad.

Maybe I would feel different about it if I was older or my dad had been older when he died, but because I wasn't and he wasn't, it sort of still feels like he was stolen from my life. I actually thought in my head today will there ever be a happy new occasion that isn't sort of stained by the fact that he is not here to share it with us... I'm pretty sure that the answer is no and I guess I'm okay with that because I would rather it be a little sad and be able to remember him than to just forget and move on.

I do hope that all of the father's out there had a wonderful day and to all of you in my position I hope you were able to remember all of the special things that made your dad the best dad in the world!

xoxo chef a

The claws are coming out!

On the IPOD "Straighten Up and Fly Right" by: Natalie Cole

Getting married and having a baby are two of the times in a woman's life that she will unfortunately see the claws come out. It shouldn't be that way but sometimes it just is. I think in general it is in our DNA to be slightly jealous when a friend or family member that is close to our own age is going through either of these life changing events.

During the last 3 weeks I have noticed slight changes in my friendships. I have some friends that are thrilled and excited about every part of it, some who might be a little jealous but have been incredible especially knowing my past experiences while pregnant, and then others who I'm pretty sure have fallen off the face of the earth, if I do hear from them it is far and few between and they usually call to discuss their own drama.

I do understand it, kind of. I mean it's difficult when you see your friends going through a new stage in their life. And maybe it's something you want... I mean my take on it would be different...but I'm trying to respect their boundaries. When my friends got married before me, I wanted to be as involved as possible. When they had babies I have been there for every milestone they've reached. I'm not saying I was never jealous, but the fact is that it is more exciting for me to be involved than to walk away from it. I do know what it feels like to want something so badly that you would go to any means necessary to get it, but I wouldn't turn away my allies in the process.

The good thing is that all of this cattiness is not phasing me! I've got my eyes on the prize and I'm trying to enjoy every part of it, minus the "cookie tossing."

Hopefully at some point during the next 7 months, the girls who are having the issues will come around. We will see...lucky for them they have this blog that allows them to be totally part of it without letting me know that they actually care... So if you are reading this remember that it is really only worth it to be jealous of me if you have been with someone for almost 13 years and you are still not married or pregnant because then you would be in a worse predicament than I was just a year ago!! So if that's the case hate away...otherwise just remember that you are on an incredible journey and when you get there you will look back just as I do today and say, "Ok, that was worth it!

xoxo chef a

Car Sick

On the IPOD "If You See Him, If You See Her" by: Reba McEntire & Brooks & Dunn

There is nothing better than a music special on T.V. after a very long weekend! Sorry to everyone all wrapped up in "Lost" but it's just not my thing!

So we went to Austin this weekend for the memorial service for our friend Eric. To be honest it was incredibly difficult... First of all the normally short not even 3 hour drive seemed to drag on forever. And then once we were there, there was no shortage of tears. It is heartbreaking to see the men who are usually so strong in your life in tears. There was definitely nothing fun about the trip but I'm so glad we went.

Unfortunately the overwhelming emotions plus the car ride plus the mexican brunch added up to one car sick girl! Ugh! There is nothing cute about a sick wife. I don't care what anyone says, there are just somethings that your husband should not know about. And stomach sickness either way is #1 on the list! I'm feeling much better...I almost kissed the ground when the car stopped!

I'm working this morning and then going to a very sad (Boo!) going away lunch for one of my favorite girls Susie (She is just going to the shore for the summer but still three months is a long time.) And then I'm going to try and rest the remainder of the day, that should be an interesting task!

Here is the menu for today:

Turkey Meatballs with
Sauteed Mushroom Medley
Turkey Tacos with all the fixins &
Spinach Souffle
Miso Glazed Salmon and
"Mock" Vegetable Fried Rice
Peppered Beef Sliders with
Sweet Potato Fries
Barbecued Chicken with
Grilled Corn

Tonight I'm going to work on a new summer menu of healthy snacks to have in you fridge, I'll let you know what I come up with...If you have any ideas post them to the blog.

If you are having trouble posting comments to the blog please email me at AmandaM037@aol.com and I will help you!

xoxo chef a

Dangerous Words

ON the IPOD "Take Everything" by: Greg Laswell

So I've been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to discuss this but it has turned into me feeling like I'm holding it in and we all know that that path tends to end up in my kitchen so I decided to discuss it.

I'm going to start out be saying that my brothers are truly two of my very best friends. We have obviously been through every detail of our lives together... and I love them dearly. But I would be lying if I said that I have never been jealous of them... They have never had a weight problem... and they have always had a choice on what family activities to be involved with (and I'm not talking about the good activities, I'm talking about doctors appointments, hospice calls, taking care of business activities that no one wants to do.) I am by no means saying that they have never done anything... I'm just saying that the responsibilities of a daughter are different than a son.

The reason I need to bring all this up is not to bash them in anyway, it is mainly to show you how dangerous words are...

About 3 years ago, during a time in which my father was very ill, the three of us with our respective partners at the time and I would say 3-4 of my closest friends were hanging out at a bar called "Meridian Room" in Dallas. The subject came up that I, except for some awesome trips, have lived here. I went to college here and I stayed here.

My brother Andrew started in on me saying that I've never explored the world or lived my life...and that all I do is take care of our Mom and Dad... The lecture went on to include my weight! I was risking my health and not thinking of him or the rest of my family. To tell you the truth it is hard for me to remember past the outburst of crying that night but I remember words like unhealthy, disappointment, overweight, embarrassment, bad choices... To have this said to me in front of my family and my closest friends was probably one of the lowest points of my life. I felt abused and attacked! I think the episode ended when somebody finally turned to him and said "Enough!"

The thing is that it was hard for me to get defensive about it. I did stay in Dallas because my Dad was sick... it was also because I met Mike and there were more business opportunities here at the time. But to tell you the truth, I don't have regrets about that...I would have had regrets about not seeing my Dad everyday, I would have regretted not getting to grow up with Mike, I would have regretted not having some of the most incredible culinary teachers and I would have regretted not building a friendship with my mom (I was pretty much a pain in high school). On the issue of my weight...what was I supposed to say ... "you're wrong!" Obviously he was right, I was overweight and I still am. But does he even have the slightest clue whats it's like...NO! Did he understand that my weight defined me growing up? Did he understand that I felt trapped by it?? Did I as a child decide, well obviously the way I want to deal with my emotions is by eating??? I'm going to go ahead and say no...

But me bawling in the middle of a bar surrounded by family and friends was not exactly the most constructive way to bring up any issues he had with my choices...

What my brothers don't understand about my choice to be here, is all the stuff that is taken care of behind the scenes while they play. They don't know about the sick days, medical procedures, birthday parties, mothers day brunches, good days, bad days, sad days, and days when my mom's t.v. doesn't work. To tell you the truth I used to be mad about it (honestly sometimes I still am), but now I just feel sorry for them because they are missing out on her. And I am lucky enough to really know her...

I don't know why brothers and sisters are so critical of each other. Maybe it has to with loving a person so much that you feel like its safe. I, of course, forgave my brother for his outburst as I am sure he has forgiven me for things I have said. Because at the end of the day I know that he loves me and I love him, but it did effect my brain. It made me doubt myself, and I think of it often...

My brothers will never truly understand what it is like to be the daughter...They will also never understand what it was like to grow up as a chubby little girl with two older brothers that ate whatever they wanted and never gained a pound. Even though we grew up under the same roof at the very same time, our stories are so different which makes us kind of different and I guess that is what makes a family... A group of very different people, bound by blood...

xoxo chef a