On the IPOD "Cathedrals" By: Jump Little Children
I am pulling double duty...I'm awake at 3:45 AM so I have decided to write a couple of posts. I am going to post them at different times so that you don't miss them but I would say that they will be online within 24 hours of each other so check back!
I would be lying if I said that I am completely focused on getting myself back on the track I was on BB(before baby). I do have a desire to be there again... I am just feeling a bit like I'm treading water and drowning at the same time... Even though I'm sure I was told "BB" that having a baby changes everything, I don't think I really understood that phrase. I didn't really realize that I would be actually teaching a baby how to learn, play, and survive the real world not just change diapers while trying to balance a marriage and a business. A friend of mine said at a playgroup this past week that... "The hardest thing about being a new parent is to learn how to fight for your marriage!" She couldn't be more right!
I have been in love with Mike for almost 14 years, we have survived major tragedies and wonderful celebrations but to be completely honest adjusting to a new baby is like learning how to love each other all over again. The reason I bring all of this up is because when this friend of mine made this amazing statement at playgroup I noticed that the rest of us let out this great sigh of relief. In this one moment we all realized that we were really not alone. And I realized that "playgroups" are really just another word for "support groups"! So my suggestion to all the new moms out there is to reach out to other new moms whether they are old friends or maybe you're just both in line at Buy Buy Baby because at the end of the day it might just save your marriage and your life!
It is interesting to me that having a baby also completely messes with your self image which I guess also adds to the stress of life. I really thought the hardest part was seeing my stomach grow during pregnancy but really I think its harder to deal with the aftermath. The new and unusual shape of my over pumped boobs and my lower tummy that now has a mind of its own. Lets not forget the hulk like strength I have in my arms from carrying the ridiculously heavy newborn carrier mixed with the lack of strength in my knees and back from picking up and holding Levi in odd positions all day long (you learn that even if you're completely uncomfortable...if the baby is comfortable than you just work through the pain!) So feeling the least bit sexy when everything hurts, you have spit up on your shoulder, you're extremely tired, you're moody, and not only have you been changing poopie diapers but you've also spent all day worrying about the color, texture and amount of poop makes for a very difficult challenge.
So I'm here to tell you that I've heard it gets better ;) ... So I'm going with that...I'm going to try to embrace the new "directions" (lol) my boobs point and the numbness I still have from them cutting me open to get this baby out and I'm going to do my best to wear perfume everyday to cover up the baby poop and formula smell (cause that's sexy right?) and I promise to take at least 30 minutes a day (hopefully more) to try to find myself again and I will do everything I can to fight for my marriage because I could not have picked a more wonderful man to share my life with. And it will get better....
xoxo chef a
Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Our Responsibility
On the IPOD "The House That Built Me" By: Miranda Lambert
So first of all I have to tell you about this amazing ice cream I found...it's not low fat, low sugar, or low calorie, but it happens to be completely worth it! It's Blue Bell "Spiced Pumpkin Pecan!" I happen to be a pumpkin fan but even if you don't think its your thing... could anything be better than creamy pumpkin ice cream with sugared spiced pecans and a ribbon of caramel. All I'm saying is we will definitely be having a Spiced Pumpkin Pecan ice cream cake for thanksgiving this year!
On a more serious note....
Although I don't normally talk about current events I am going to discuss why Demi Lovato is in a treatment center. I don't know all of the details of her personal story obviously... But I do know what it feels like to be bullied growing up and not in a beat you up after science class kind of way. It was more of a say such hurtful things to you it makes you hate yourself from the inside kind of way. I think I would have rather just been taken out on the playground...
I have gone into detail about growing up as a chubby kid and being tormented by other girls. I have also discussed refusing to go to school for almost an entire year because of it. I feel lucky that I was personally strong enough to never hurt myself in a physical way but I can definitely see how easy it would have been to go in the other direction.
Our country is facing a horrible truth... Unfortunately the society image we are teaching our children through our own actions and those portrayed on television and in the movies is finally catching up with us. As much as we are worried about health insurance and taxes we should be forced to worry about what is happening in our schools as the suicide rate climbs and climbs and the ages get younger and younger.
At what point will we take responsibility for creating hate??
I honestly don't know the answers to how to fix this but I do know that it needs to be addressed because it would be a real shame if we end up with a generation of kids who can play every sport, two musical instruments, and get accepted into all the best colleges but who are so stressed out and unhappy that they end up not being able to function in the real world! Maybe our priorities need to shift a bit...
I hope the mothers and fathers out there really hear this blog today because I think that the emotional safety of your children lies in your hands... We have to teach our kids how to stand up to the bullying, how to treat their peers with respect and love and more than anything we need to make sure that self confidence is built at home where our children should feel loved and supported no matter what their strengths and weaknesses are because not every kid is going to be a star football player or dancer. And not every kid is going to be a straight A student and most of all not every kid is going to look the way you hoped they would. They might not be skinny or they might be too skinny, you might not like the clothes they pick out and they might not be popular... But fortunately school is very small portion of a persons entire life and our goal as parents should be to help our kids love themselves as much as possible so that they can grow up and do great things for this world!
Xoxo chef a
So first of all I have to tell you about this amazing ice cream I found...it's not low fat, low sugar, or low calorie, but it happens to be completely worth it! It's Blue Bell "Spiced Pumpkin Pecan!" I happen to be a pumpkin fan but even if you don't think its your thing... could anything be better than creamy pumpkin ice cream with sugared spiced pecans and a ribbon of caramel. All I'm saying is we will definitely be having a Spiced Pumpkin Pecan ice cream cake for thanksgiving this year!
On a more serious note....
Although I don't normally talk about current events I am going to discuss why Demi Lovato is in a treatment center. I don't know all of the details of her personal story obviously... But I do know what it feels like to be bullied growing up and not in a beat you up after science class kind of way. It was more of a say such hurtful things to you it makes you hate yourself from the inside kind of way. I think I would have rather just been taken out on the playground...
I have gone into detail about growing up as a chubby kid and being tormented by other girls. I have also discussed refusing to go to school for almost an entire year because of it. I feel lucky that I was personally strong enough to never hurt myself in a physical way but I can definitely see how easy it would have been to go in the other direction.
Our country is facing a horrible truth... Unfortunately the society image we are teaching our children through our own actions and those portrayed on television and in the movies is finally catching up with us. As much as we are worried about health insurance and taxes we should be forced to worry about what is happening in our schools as the suicide rate climbs and climbs and the ages get younger and younger.
At what point will we take responsibility for creating hate??
I honestly don't know the answers to how to fix this but I do know that it needs to be addressed because it would be a real shame if we end up with a generation of kids who can play every sport, two musical instruments, and get accepted into all the best colleges but who are so stressed out and unhappy that they end up not being able to function in the real world! Maybe our priorities need to shift a bit...
I hope the mothers and fathers out there really hear this blog today because I think that the emotional safety of your children lies in your hands... We have to teach our kids how to stand up to the bullying, how to treat their peers with respect and love and more than anything we need to make sure that self confidence is built at home where our children should feel loved and supported no matter what their strengths and weaknesses are because not every kid is going to be a star football player or dancer. And not every kid is going to be a straight A student and most of all not every kid is going to look the way you hoped they would. They might not be skinny or they might be too skinny, you might not like the clothes they pick out and they might not be popular... But fortunately school is very small portion of a persons entire life and our goal as parents should be to help our kids love themselves as much as possible so that they can grow up and do great things for this world!
Xoxo chef a
Friday, September 10, 2010
The First Year....
On the IPOD "Breathe Again" By: Sara Bareilles
(Sorry to repeat the artist two posts in a row, but the album is just tooo good!)
The last three days have been rough! Who knew a knee replacement surgery was maybe one of the hardest surgeries ever. My mom's pain threshold is extremely high and yet the pain put her in tears. I'm just glad to be past day three! Thanks for all of your comments on facebook wishing her well!
Anyhow I left the last blog asking you who your worst critic is....the reason I asked is because when I was hangin with a couple of my favorite girls last week we were pretty much discussing how much "body hate" is ok. I know it seems weird to put it like that...I'm mean in a perfect world we would love our body no matter what, but yet our world is far from perfect.
Over the last year many things have changed in my life. A year ago I started this blog...I have relinquished almost all of my secrets to maybe get to a point that I would have to be completely honest with myself. In the process, I lost 60 pounds in 6 months and then after a year of trying, I got pregnant with the help of the best doctor ever, some lovely hormones, a husband, a veterinarian, and a relaxing trip to Rosemary Beach. It takes a village! Believe me when I say, I still have a ways to go on the weight loss front and it will be confronted as soon as this little boy is born, but the question still lingers over my head... Is my relationship with my own body healthier than it was a year ago???? That's a hard one...in many ways I would say yes, but yet even at 5 1/2 months pregnant, the 4 1/2 pounds that I've gained are still difficult and it's hard for my to not jump off the scale and watch every bite I take in complete and utter disgust. It seems that the line between being an over eater and being a fanatical weight watcher is getting thinner and thinner.
There was a time when I would have said that the people around me were my worst critics... but that has definitely changed I have realized that yes their comments were harmful to me and might have even exposed me to the news that I was heavier than the other kids, but it was me who turned their comments into a minute by minute battle within myself. If I continue to put the blame on them...I'll never really be able to have the control. And isn't that what I'm really searching for???? Whether I'm controlling myself by eating a snickers bar under my covers or looking up the calorie count of a restaurant menu before we go out to eat, it seems that what I'm really trying to feel is control. I have to say that's one of the most difficult parts about being pregnant... I really never have the control. Which could possibly put me in a tail spin when the baby comes and then my weight ends up being the only part of my life I can control...
I guess my conclusion is that this blog has saved my life! Not only in health, but by giving me the best gift ever and that is the line between my brain, my fingers, this keyboard, and you... Whether you are reading because you've known me my whole life and you find this window as a guilty pleasure or because you have no idea who the heck I am but maybe we share something beyond our place in this world. I thank you for listening and for your comments and for your good karma. And I hope one day to say that I have a good mixture of really healthy self love with a little bit of good old "body hate." I mean I wouldn't want to be plastic...
So to the next year....
xoxo chef a
(Sorry to repeat the artist two posts in a row, but the album is just tooo good!)
The last three days have been rough! Who knew a knee replacement surgery was maybe one of the hardest surgeries ever. My mom's pain threshold is extremely high and yet the pain put her in tears. I'm just glad to be past day three! Thanks for all of your comments on facebook wishing her well!
Anyhow I left the last blog asking you who your worst critic is....the reason I asked is because when I was hangin with a couple of my favorite girls last week we were pretty much discussing how much "body hate" is ok. I know it seems weird to put it like that...I'm mean in a perfect world we would love our body no matter what, but yet our world is far from perfect.
Over the last year many things have changed in my life. A year ago I started this blog...I have relinquished almost all of my secrets to maybe get to a point that I would have to be completely honest with myself. In the process, I lost 60 pounds in 6 months and then after a year of trying, I got pregnant with the help of the best doctor ever, some lovely hormones, a husband, a veterinarian, and a relaxing trip to Rosemary Beach. It takes a village! Believe me when I say, I still have a ways to go on the weight loss front and it will be confronted as soon as this little boy is born, but the question still lingers over my head... Is my relationship with my own body healthier than it was a year ago???? That's a hard one...in many ways I would say yes, but yet even at 5 1/2 months pregnant, the 4 1/2 pounds that I've gained are still difficult and it's hard for my to not jump off the scale and watch every bite I take in complete and utter disgust. It seems that the line between being an over eater and being a fanatical weight watcher is getting thinner and thinner.
There was a time when I would have said that the people around me were my worst critics... but that has definitely changed I have realized that yes their comments were harmful to me and might have even exposed me to the news that I was heavier than the other kids, but it was me who turned their comments into a minute by minute battle within myself. If I continue to put the blame on them...I'll never really be able to have the control. And isn't that what I'm really searching for???? Whether I'm controlling myself by eating a snickers bar under my covers or looking up the calorie count of a restaurant menu before we go out to eat, it seems that what I'm really trying to feel is control. I have to say that's one of the most difficult parts about being pregnant... I really never have the control. Which could possibly put me in a tail spin when the baby comes and then my weight ends up being the only part of my life I can control...
I guess my conclusion is that this blog has saved my life! Not only in health, but by giving me the best gift ever and that is the line between my brain, my fingers, this keyboard, and you... Whether you are reading because you've known me my whole life and you find this window as a guilty pleasure or because you have no idea who the heck I am but maybe we share something beyond our place in this world. I thank you for listening and for your comments and for your good karma. And I hope one day to say that I have a good mixture of really healthy self love with a little bit of good old "body hate." I mean I wouldn't want to be plastic...
So to the next year....
xoxo chef a
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Working Out On Empty
On the IPOD "You Lost Me" By: Christina Aguilera
On Tuesday I learned a very important lesson, Listen to your body! You would think that after almost 32 years of life I would know that one, but I think in general I have been ignoring my body most of my life.
This is how the day went... I left the house at around 6 am and headed to the store and to my client's house. After work I picked up a couple of sandwiches for my mom and I and met her at my place so that she could help me go through the closet in the nursery room.(Thank you MOM!) I had a veggie sandwich with cheese (There is no question that I'm having a difficult time eating protein at the moment.) We worked on the closet for a couple of hours and then I took a quick little nap before Nia. On the way to Nia I realized that I hadn't eaten anything since 12 but I was running late and was going to see if they had a bar or something at the studio. Unfortunately they didn't... So instead of listening to my body at this point...I just grabbed my water and headed to class. About 15 minutes into class, I started to feel funny... My leg started cramping and there was no question that my body was letting me know that something wasn't right. But did I listen...nope I just went on with class. After class I met my friend Jamie for dinner and I had a chicken sandwich. On the way home from dinner I was not feeling well at all, so badly in fact that I got extremely sick when I got home. Now I haven't been sick in 5 days so it did make me worry a little, I put a call into my doctor who called right back and had a serious talk with me about making eating a priority and not ever going more than two hours without at least a snack. He said that I let my blood sugar get too low and then worked out and most likely I need more fluids as well.
Of course I'm going to do everything I can to face my recurring food issues head on since obviously they are still causing problems. I mean I've been guilting myself over food for the last 24 years what would make me think that being pregnant would somehow fix it. If anything it is making me even more aware of how much control I give to the numbers on a scale even if in exchange I ignore the truths that my body is obviously screaming at me. I'm going to take the next few days before my birthday to talk openly and honestly with you about how I am truly feeling about food, my body and my health and hopefully it will help me get on the track I need to be for the next 5 1/2 months and maybe even for the rest of my life.
xoxo chef a
On Tuesday I learned a very important lesson, Listen to your body! You would think that after almost 32 years of life I would know that one, but I think in general I have been ignoring my body most of my life.
This is how the day went... I left the house at around 6 am and headed to the store and to my client's house. After work I picked up a couple of sandwiches for my mom and I and met her at my place so that she could help me go through the closet in the nursery room.(Thank you MOM!) I had a veggie sandwich with cheese (There is no question that I'm having a difficult time eating protein at the moment.) We worked on the closet for a couple of hours and then I took a quick little nap before Nia. On the way to Nia I realized that I hadn't eaten anything since 12 but I was running late and was going to see if they had a bar or something at the studio. Unfortunately they didn't... So instead of listening to my body at this point...I just grabbed my water and headed to class. About 15 minutes into class, I started to feel funny... My leg started cramping and there was no question that my body was letting me know that something wasn't right. But did I listen...nope I just went on with class. After class I met my friend Jamie for dinner and I had a chicken sandwich. On the way home from dinner I was not feeling well at all, so badly in fact that I got extremely sick when I got home. Now I haven't been sick in 5 days so it did make me worry a little, I put a call into my doctor who called right back and had a serious talk with me about making eating a priority and not ever going more than two hours without at least a snack. He said that I let my blood sugar get too low and then worked out and most likely I need more fluids as well.
Of course I'm going to do everything I can to face my recurring food issues head on since obviously they are still causing problems. I mean I've been guilting myself over food for the last 24 years what would make me think that being pregnant would somehow fix it. If anything it is making me even more aware of how much control I give to the numbers on a scale even if in exchange I ignore the truths that my body is obviously screaming at me. I'm going to take the next few days before my birthday to talk openly and honestly with you about how I am truly feeling about food, my body and my health and hopefully it will help me get on the track I need to be for the next 5 1/2 months and maybe even for the rest of my life.
xoxo chef a
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Dangerous Words
ON the IPOD "Take Everything" by: Greg Laswell
So I've been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to discuss this but it has turned into me feeling like I'm holding it in and we all know that that path tends to end up in my kitchen so I decided to discuss it.
I'm going to start out be saying that my brothers are truly two of my very best friends. We have obviously been through every detail of our lives together... and I love them dearly. But I would be lying if I said that I have never been jealous of them... They have never had a weight problem... and they have always had a choice on what family activities to be involved with (and I'm not talking about the good activities, I'm talking about doctors appointments, hospice calls, taking care of business activities that no one wants to do.) I am by no means saying that they have never done anything... I'm just saying that the responsibilities of a daughter are different than a son.
The reason I need to bring all this up is not to bash them in anyway, it is mainly to show you how dangerous words are...
About 3 years ago, during a time in which my father was very ill, the three of us with our respective partners at the time and I would say 3-4 of my closest friends were hanging out at a bar called "Meridian Room" in Dallas. The subject came up that I, except for some awesome trips, have lived here. I went to college here and I stayed here.
My brother Andrew started in on me saying that I've never explored the world or lived my life...and that all I do is take care of our Mom and Dad... The lecture went on to include my weight! I was risking my health and not thinking of him or the rest of my family. To tell you the truth it is hard for me to remember past the outburst of crying that night but I remember words like unhealthy, disappointment, overweight, embarrassment, bad choices... To have this said to me in front of my family and my closest friends was probably one of the lowest points of my life. I felt abused and attacked! I think the episode ended when somebody finally turned to him and said "Enough!"
The thing is that it was hard for me to get defensive about it. I did stay in Dallas because my Dad was sick... it was also because I met Mike and there were more business opportunities here at the time. But to tell you the truth, I don't have regrets about that...I would have had regrets about not seeing my Dad everyday, I would have regretted not getting to grow up with Mike, I would have regretted not having some of the most incredible culinary teachers and I would have regretted not building a friendship with my mom (I was pretty much a pain in high school). On the issue of my weight...what was I supposed to say ... "you're wrong!" Obviously he was right, I was overweight and I still am. But does he even have the slightest clue whats it's like...NO! Did he understand that my weight defined me growing up? Did he understand that I felt trapped by it?? Did I as a child decide, well obviously the way I want to deal with my emotions is by eating??? I'm going to go ahead and say no...
But me bawling in the middle of a bar surrounded by family and friends was not exactly the most constructive way to bring up any issues he had with my choices...
What my brothers don't understand about my choice to be here, is all the stuff that is taken care of behind the scenes while they play. They don't know about the sick days, medical procedures, birthday parties, mothers day brunches, good days, bad days, sad days, and days when my mom's t.v. doesn't work. To tell you the truth I used to be mad about it (honestly sometimes I still am), but now I just feel sorry for them because they are missing out on her. And I am lucky enough to really know her...
I don't know why brothers and sisters are so critical of each other. Maybe it has to with loving a person so much that you feel like its safe. I, of course, forgave my brother for his outburst as I am sure he has forgiven me for things I have said. Because at the end of the day I know that he loves me and I love him, but it did effect my brain. It made me doubt myself, and I think of it often...
My brothers will never truly understand what it is like to be the daughter...They will also never understand what it was like to grow up as a chubby little girl with two older brothers that ate whatever they wanted and never gained a pound. Even though we grew up under the same roof at the very same time, our stories are so different which makes us kind of different and I guess that is what makes a family... A group of very different people, bound by blood...
xoxo chef a
So I've been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to discuss this but it has turned into me feeling like I'm holding it in and we all know that that path tends to end up in my kitchen so I decided to discuss it.
I'm going to start out be saying that my brothers are truly two of my very best friends. We have obviously been through every detail of our lives together... and I love them dearly. But I would be lying if I said that I have never been jealous of them... They have never had a weight problem... and they have always had a choice on what family activities to be involved with (and I'm not talking about the good activities, I'm talking about doctors appointments, hospice calls, taking care of business activities that no one wants to do.) I am by no means saying that they have never done anything... I'm just saying that the responsibilities of a daughter are different than a son.
The reason I need to bring all this up is not to bash them in anyway, it is mainly to show you how dangerous words are...
About 3 years ago, during a time in which my father was very ill, the three of us with our respective partners at the time and I would say 3-4 of my closest friends were hanging out at a bar called "Meridian Room" in Dallas. The subject came up that I, except for some awesome trips, have lived here. I went to college here and I stayed here.
My brother Andrew started in on me saying that I've never explored the world or lived my life...and that all I do is take care of our Mom and Dad... The lecture went on to include my weight! I was risking my health and not thinking of him or the rest of my family. To tell you the truth it is hard for me to remember past the outburst of crying that night but I remember words like unhealthy, disappointment, overweight, embarrassment, bad choices... To have this said to me in front of my family and my closest friends was probably one of the lowest points of my life. I felt abused and attacked! I think the episode ended when somebody finally turned to him and said "Enough!"
The thing is that it was hard for me to get defensive about it. I did stay in Dallas because my Dad was sick... it was also because I met Mike and there were more business opportunities here at the time. But to tell you the truth, I don't have regrets about that...I would have had regrets about not seeing my Dad everyday, I would have regretted not getting to grow up with Mike, I would have regretted not having some of the most incredible culinary teachers and I would have regretted not building a friendship with my mom (I was pretty much a pain in high school). On the issue of my weight...what was I supposed to say ... "you're wrong!" Obviously he was right, I was overweight and I still am. But does he even have the slightest clue whats it's like...NO! Did he understand that my weight defined me growing up? Did he understand that I felt trapped by it?? Did I as a child decide, well obviously the way I want to deal with my emotions is by eating??? I'm going to go ahead and say no...
But me bawling in the middle of a bar surrounded by family and friends was not exactly the most constructive way to bring up any issues he had with my choices...
What my brothers don't understand about my choice to be here, is all the stuff that is taken care of behind the scenes while they play. They don't know about the sick days, medical procedures, birthday parties, mothers day brunches, good days, bad days, sad days, and days when my mom's t.v. doesn't work. To tell you the truth I used to be mad about it (honestly sometimes I still am), but now I just feel sorry for them because they are missing out on her. And I am lucky enough to really know her...
I don't know why brothers and sisters are so critical of each other. Maybe it has to with loving a person so much that you feel like its safe. I, of course, forgave my brother for his outburst as I am sure he has forgiven me for things I have said. Because at the end of the day I know that he loves me and I love him, but it did effect my brain. It made me doubt myself, and I think of it often...
My brothers will never truly understand what it is like to be the daughter...They will also never understand what it was like to grow up as a chubby little girl with two older brothers that ate whatever they wanted and never gained a pound. Even though we grew up under the same roof at the very same time, our stories are so different which makes us kind of different and I guess that is what makes a family... A group of very different people, bound by blood...
xoxo chef a
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Checked Out
On the IPOD "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
What does the idea of NO MORE DRAMA mean? I think that in general we as a society have mixed feelings about it... On one hand we really don't want to be involved and on the other we just can't seem to look away.
It has been brought to my attention that I'm an easy target for drama. It probably stems from the fact that I'm a pleaser... I allow myself to be right in the thick of it... And I can't anymore!
When I wake up in the morning I have to make a conscience effort to pick myself. I'm so used to spending my time "working" on all of my friends that I can honestly say it is painful at times when the phone rings and I know that I shouldn't pick it up.
Yesterday morning I had a visit with the OB/Gyn. The nurse calmly sat me down in the waiting room and said, "I feel your tenseness, the stress needs to stop if you want to get pregnant." Ha! easy for her to say...trying to get pregnant is like waiting for water to boil. You want it to happen so quickly so you just sit there watching it, like somehow that is going to speed it up. Unfortunately the more she spoke with me the more I realized that she was not talking as much about my stress over the pregnancy, it was more about the outside stress that she could see permeating through my brain. Who knew I was so transparent??
I guess I'm a slow learner because it is just now hitting me that sometimes you just have to sit back and watch the drama pass you by...you can't help the ones drowning in it without drowning yourself. And it is extremely difficult to watch!
My friend Lisa and I have created a code word...whenever we are being engaged by the drama, instead to picking up the phone or sending a unnecessary text to the drama devils, we just simply text each other the word, vagina! I mean in general it's pretty hard to not laugh when you see the word (or derivatives of the word) pop up on your phone. I guess it's our simple cry for help...
I completely checked out yesterday...I needed a day to feel the frustrations of infertility. I needed to cry and mope and really give myself an opportunity to grieve over the fact that I'm not one of those girls that can just think about having a baby and then all of the sudden be pregnant (BTW I have thought I was this girl my whole life, like a Fertile Mertle) This infertility stuff is like a bad dream!
I ended my day with a chef meeting at a place called "Chocolate Secrets". They have the most beautiful delicious french chocolates. And it is true, chocolate just makes you feel better!!
I do have one exciting bit of news... I was shocked to get on the scale last night and see that I have lost 7.5 pounds in the last 10 days. WHOO HOO!!!
xoxo chef a
What does the idea of NO MORE DRAMA mean? I think that in general we as a society have mixed feelings about it... On one hand we really don't want to be involved and on the other we just can't seem to look away.
It has been brought to my attention that I'm an easy target for drama. It probably stems from the fact that I'm a pleaser... I allow myself to be right in the thick of it... And I can't anymore!
When I wake up in the morning I have to make a conscience effort to pick myself. I'm so used to spending my time "working" on all of my friends that I can honestly say it is painful at times when the phone rings and I know that I shouldn't pick it up.
Yesterday morning I had a visit with the OB/Gyn. The nurse calmly sat me down in the waiting room and said, "I feel your tenseness, the stress needs to stop if you want to get pregnant." Ha! easy for her to say...trying to get pregnant is like waiting for water to boil. You want it to happen so quickly so you just sit there watching it, like somehow that is going to speed it up. Unfortunately the more she spoke with me the more I realized that she was not talking as much about my stress over the pregnancy, it was more about the outside stress that she could see permeating through my brain. Who knew I was so transparent??
I guess I'm a slow learner because it is just now hitting me that sometimes you just have to sit back and watch the drama pass you by...you can't help the ones drowning in it without drowning yourself. And it is extremely difficult to watch!
My friend Lisa and I have created a code word...whenever we are being engaged by the drama, instead to picking up the phone or sending a unnecessary text to the drama devils, we just simply text each other the word, vagina! I mean in general it's pretty hard to not laugh when you see the word (or derivatives of the word) pop up on your phone. I guess it's our simple cry for help...
I completely checked out yesterday...I needed a day to feel the frustrations of infertility. I needed to cry and mope and really give myself an opportunity to grieve over the fact that I'm not one of those girls that can just think about having a baby and then all of the sudden be pregnant (BTW I have thought I was this girl my whole life, like a Fertile Mertle) This infertility stuff is like a bad dream!
I ended my day with a chef meeting at a place called "Chocolate Secrets". They have the most beautiful delicious french chocolates. And it is true, chocolate just makes you feel better!!
I do have one exciting bit of news... I was shocked to get on the scale last night and see that I have lost 7.5 pounds in the last 10 days. WHOO HOO!!!
xoxo chef a
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Expectations of Gold Stars
On the IPOD "Save Me From Myself" by: Christina Aguilera
Yesterday was a tough day! As I said to my friend Jamie I seem to be just frustrated with my own personality. I know I have touched on the fact that I'm a pleaser, but I am discovering little by little that it is deeply related to my issues, food included! I think it has less to do with the actual pleaser part of me and more to do with my expectations of how I should feel after the pleasing is done. I guess in some ways I'm looking for a gold star. It is really not fair to my family and friends that I tend to give them so much power over how I feel about myself. I don't think anyone wants to feel like something they say or do is really going to phase someone else's self esteem. But I think probably more times than not our actions do phase others even if we don't want to...
I have a sometimes annoying need to spread the wealth... I feel very lucky that I have such amazing clients and that I have had unbelievable opportunities in my career. That being said I sometimes feel like it is my duty to help out the new guys on the block, whether they are other chefs or just friends that are small business owners. I think I sometimes forget how hard I worked to get where I am today... 11 years ago I think I might have walked away with about with $25 on my first cook day which easily took 7 hours. To get in with the right clients I have done much more than a standard cook day...I have organized their kitchens and gotten involved in their charities, I have rocked their kids to sleep and counseled their teenagers, I have been a secretary, a toddler tamer, a carpooler and a friend. I have been there when they first made their money, when they almost lost it and when they made it back again. I have cried with them, I have hugged them and I have in most cases I have become part of their family. My job is much more than just being a chef...sometimes I might bitch and moan about it, but I know that the dues that I paid have in general made me a better business owner.
So that being said I think I need to just stop helping people so much! Mainly because I am obviously not doing it just for them, I am somehow expecting to get something out of it, like say a gold star! To say that I'm going to stop helping my friends and family is a joke, it won't ever happen. But I really need to work on what my expectations are because the under appreciated feeling really sucks!
I still can't get over the fact that I rely so heavily on food to make me feel better. It is like in my head I have decided that it is just the miracle cure for anything. Unfortunately then the cycle continues... I have a bad day...blame myself for it...try to find some amount of comfort in food (and believe me its not a grilled chicken breast)...then I feel horrible guilt for eating the terrible off limits food...and then I just end up feeling bad again...
I know some of you feel that at times I am too hard on myself, well in general you are right but writing about this in such an honest way seems to be an eye opening experience and even though it doesn't always stop the behavior it at least allows me to see it and really be aware of it...
xoxo chef a
Yesterday was a tough day! As I said to my friend Jamie I seem to be just frustrated with my own personality. I know I have touched on the fact that I'm a pleaser, but I am discovering little by little that it is deeply related to my issues, food included! I think it has less to do with the actual pleaser part of me and more to do with my expectations of how I should feel after the pleasing is done. I guess in some ways I'm looking for a gold star. It is really not fair to my family and friends that I tend to give them so much power over how I feel about myself. I don't think anyone wants to feel like something they say or do is really going to phase someone else's self esteem. But I think probably more times than not our actions do phase others even if we don't want to...
I have a sometimes annoying need to spread the wealth... I feel very lucky that I have such amazing clients and that I have had unbelievable opportunities in my career. That being said I sometimes feel like it is my duty to help out the new guys on the block, whether they are other chefs or just friends that are small business owners. I think I sometimes forget how hard I worked to get where I am today... 11 years ago I think I might have walked away with about with $25 on my first cook day which easily took 7 hours. To get in with the right clients I have done much more than a standard cook day...I have organized their kitchens and gotten involved in their charities, I have rocked their kids to sleep and counseled their teenagers, I have been a secretary, a toddler tamer, a carpooler and a friend. I have been there when they first made their money, when they almost lost it and when they made it back again. I have cried with them, I have hugged them and I have in most cases I have become part of their family. My job is much more than just being a chef...sometimes I might bitch and moan about it, but I know that the dues that I paid have in general made me a better business owner.
So that being said I think I need to just stop helping people so much! Mainly because I am obviously not doing it just for them, I am somehow expecting to get something out of it, like say a gold star! To say that I'm going to stop helping my friends and family is a joke, it won't ever happen. But I really need to work on what my expectations are because the under appreciated feeling really sucks!
I still can't get over the fact that I rely so heavily on food to make me feel better. It is like in my head I have decided that it is just the miracle cure for anything. Unfortunately then the cycle continues... I have a bad day...blame myself for it...try to find some amount of comfort in food (and believe me its not a grilled chicken breast)...then I feel horrible guilt for eating the terrible off limits food...and then I just end up feeling bad again...
I know some of you feel that at times I am too hard on myself, well in general you are right but writing about this in such an honest way seems to be an eye opening experience and even though it doesn't always stop the behavior it at least allows me to see it and really be aware of it...
xoxo chef a
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Power of Choice
On the IPOD "Hey, Soul Sister" by: Train
I so wish I could have posted this yesterday but unfortunately my computer and I were in a fight!!!
Does making choices give you power?
Today in Nia class, Jule, the instructor, had us focus on making our own choices. She then discussed with us a little bit about how the freedom of choice can give a person power. At first I have to say that I felt a tad uncomfortable...The pleaser in me even thought hummm I wonder what choices I am supposed to make. I thought about what she said all day, "Are the choices I am making giving me power?"
Everyday I am forced to consciously make a choice to stay on track ... to eat right, to work out, to focus on the betterment of my life! Sometimes it feels selfish since it is so completely not in my nature to put myself first. But I am trying to truly get to the core of who I am and to realize that every second of every day I GET to make choices that deeply effect my life.
I always say that the best thing my parents ever did for me when I was growing up was that they let me switch schools four times. It was a blessing because I was able to reinvent myself each time. Now I probably could have taken more advantage of the situation and I don't think that at the time I was really trying to find my true self. I think I was just trying to play the part, but I was young. It did teach me that it was ok to change myself though.
For the last 20 years I have lived as a "fat girl" I have made many choices in my life to try and cover up my insecurities. I have even spent way too much time trying to fit into other people's molds all on the path to feel some kind of acceptance. But in truth it just screwed me up more. I found comfort in food which in turn made me feel like I was choosing to be a "fat girl." But I'm done with it, I'm not choosing it anymore!
In the last almost 7 months I have learned how to make good choices, not based on what someone else wants or needs, but I make them based on what I want. I didn't even notice until today that it gives me power...
Just three days ago my aunt said to me..."you even walk different now, like a dancer!" When she said it I thought to myself I know dancing can change your posture but is that really what has changed the way I carry myself?? I do think that I stand up straighter and I breath better and that is in direct correlation with dance classes but I think it is so much more than that...
I think I'm proud of myself... I think I like the choices I'm making and I think I'm even starting to respect myself...
xoxo chef a
p.s. Tonight I will be posting recipes trying to catch up from the computer issue yesterday!
I so wish I could have posted this yesterday but unfortunately my computer and I were in a fight!!!
Does making choices give you power?
Today in Nia class, Jule, the instructor, had us focus on making our own choices. She then discussed with us a little bit about how the freedom of choice can give a person power. At first I have to say that I felt a tad uncomfortable...The pleaser in me even thought hummm I wonder what choices I am supposed to make. I thought about what she said all day, "Are the choices I am making giving me power?"
Everyday I am forced to consciously make a choice to stay on track ... to eat right, to work out, to focus on the betterment of my life! Sometimes it feels selfish since it is so completely not in my nature to put myself first. But I am trying to truly get to the core of who I am and to realize that every second of every day I GET to make choices that deeply effect my life.
I always say that the best thing my parents ever did for me when I was growing up was that they let me switch schools four times. It was a blessing because I was able to reinvent myself each time. Now I probably could have taken more advantage of the situation and I don't think that at the time I was really trying to find my true self. I think I was just trying to play the part, but I was young. It did teach me that it was ok to change myself though.
For the last 20 years I have lived as a "fat girl" I have made many choices in my life to try and cover up my insecurities. I have even spent way too much time trying to fit into other people's molds all on the path to feel some kind of acceptance. But in truth it just screwed me up more. I found comfort in food which in turn made me feel like I was choosing to be a "fat girl." But I'm done with it, I'm not choosing it anymore!
In the last almost 7 months I have learned how to make good choices, not based on what someone else wants or needs, but I make them based on what I want. I didn't even notice until today that it gives me power...
Just three days ago my aunt said to me..."you even walk different now, like a dancer!" When she said it I thought to myself I know dancing can change your posture but is that really what has changed the way I carry myself?? I do think that I stand up straighter and I breath better and that is in direct correlation with dance classes but I think it is so much more than that...
I think I'm proud of myself... I think I like the choices I'm making and I think I'm even starting to respect myself...
xoxo chef a
p.s. Tonight I will be posting recipes trying to catch up from the computer issue yesterday!
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