On the IPOD "Modern Love" By: Matt Nathanson
So I've made a decision.... I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I just had a birthday on Thursday or maybe it was two weeks ago when I had a little bit of a pregnancy scare (and yes right now I would consider it to be a scare!), but whatever it was I have realized that I'm done!
I'm done carrying around this extra pregnancy weight. I have been back to my old ways of feeding my feeling and although I haven't really gained weight since Levi was born, I definitely haven't lost it either. The sad part about it is that I just really haven't felt like myself in awhile...I don't really think it is a postpartum thing...it's more of a stressed out, tired, horrible body image, really tired (yes I'm aware I repeated it), put yourself on the back burner and take care of the baby kind of thing. But I'm really not doing anyone any good... I'm not always my sunshine self, I do a lot of nodding my head while not listening to anything anyone is saying, I have even lost my witty retorts that should be able to calm me down when I'm faced with a "suckubus" (A suckubus is a term we use at our house to describe a person whether male or female who tries to suck the life out of you.) If you want someone to really show you if they are a suckubus, have a baby and you will find out quickly enough!
So anyways my plan is to start back slowly... First on my list is to work out every day whether it is Nia, the gym, the pool, or the Wii. Starting with working out always works better for me mainly because I have an emotional attachment to food so if I start a diet flat out I feel deprived which usually results in me cheating so instead of taking something away from myself I am going to give myself the gift of working out... it sounds silly, but I think it might work... let's hope so!
xoxo chef a
Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Rebooting...
On the IPOD "Set Fire To The Rain" By: ADELE
Ive decided that the only way to be skinny while being a full time working mom is to have money and a nanny! I mean a nanny is not an option for us so I'm going to have to come up with a better solution, not that skinny is really even in my personal vocabulary... But I do want to be healthier so something has got to give! Levi and I get up for work between 5-6 am, Mike works till 7:30pm and lately Levi likes to scream for about 2 hours each night starting as early as 5 and ending sometimes as late as 9:30, which tends to make leaving to go workout at night difficult to say the least and early morning workouts are completely out of the question. So where does a girl find the time I ask you?
To be honest it is not helping that I am really having a hard time accepting my post baby body issues... between the numb looser tummy I've been sporting since the c-section and my boobs that spent way too many countless hours attached to a pump... Lets just say that it is definitely affecting my self esteem which in turn makes it harder to make the steps to do something about it. So lately I've been making myself feel better the only way I know how to...with food!
But I'm done... mainly because it's just not working obviously... I'm officially back on the quest to deal with my shit without the help of an m&m! And I'm also giving myself permission to put my needs first for at least a 1/2 hour a day because in the long run everyone wins with a happier Amanda!
xoxo chef a
Ive decided that the only way to be skinny while being a full time working mom is to have money and a nanny! I mean a nanny is not an option for us so I'm going to have to come up with a better solution, not that skinny is really even in my personal vocabulary... But I do want to be healthier so something has got to give! Levi and I get up for work between 5-6 am, Mike works till 7:30pm and lately Levi likes to scream for about 2 hours each night starting as early as 5 and ending sometimes as late as 9:30, which tends to make leaving to go workout at night difficult to say the least and early morning workouts are completely out of the question. So where does a girl find the time I ask you?
To be honest it is not helping that I am really having a hard time accepting my post baby body issues... between the numb looser tummy I've been sporting since the c-section and my boobs that spent way too many countless hours attached to a pump... Lets just say that it is definitely affecting my self esteem which in turn makes it harder to make the steps to do something about it. So lately I've been making myself feel better the only way I know how to...with food!
But I'm done... mainly because it's just not working obviously... I'm officially back on the quest to deal with my shit without the help of an m&m! And I'm also giving myself permission to put my needs first for at least a 1/2 hour a day because in the long run everyone wins with a happier Amanda!
xoxo chef a
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Our Responsibility
On the IPOD "The House That Built Me" By: Miranda Lambert
So first of all I have to tell you about this amazing ice cream I found...it's not low fat, low sugar, or low calorie, but it happens to be completely worth it! It's Blue Bell "Spiced Pumpkin Pecan!" I happen to be a pumpkin fan but even if you don't think its your thing... could anything be better than creamy pumpkin ice cream with sugared spiced pecans and a ribbon of caramel. All I'm saying is we will definitely be having a Spiced Pumpkin Pecan ice cream cake for thanksgiving this year!
On a more serious note....
Although I don't normally talk about current events I am going to discuss why Demi Lovato is in a treatment center. I don't know all of the details of her personal story obviously... But I do know what it feels like to be bullied growing up and not in a beat you up after science class kind of way. It was more of a say such hurtful things to you it makes you hate yourself from the inside kind of way. I think I would have rather just been taken out on the playground...
I have gone into detail about growing up as a chubby kid and being tormented by other girls. I have also discussed refusing to go to school for almost an entire year because of it. I feel lucky that I was personally strong enough to never hurt myself in a physical way but I can definitely see how easy it would have been to go in the other direction.
Our country is facing a horrible truth... Unfortunately the society image we are teaching our children through our own actions and those portrayed on television and in the movies is finally catching up with us. As much as we are worried about health insurance and taxes we should be forced to worry about what is happening in our schools as the suicide rate climbs and climbs and the ages get younger and younger.
At what point will we take responsibility for creating hate??
I honestly don't know the answers to how to fix this but I do know that it needs to be addressed because it would be a real shame if we end up with a generation of kids who can play every sport, two musical instruments, and get accepted into all the best colleges but who are so stressed out and unhappy that they end up not being able to function in the real world! Maybe our priorities need to shift a bit...
I hope the mothers and fathers out there really hear this blog today because I think that the emotional safety of your children lies in your hands... We have to teach our kids how to stand up to the bullying, how to treat their peers with respect and love and more than anything we need to make sure that self confidence is built at home where our children should feel loved and supported no matter what their strengths and weaknesses are because not every kid is going to be a star football player or dancer. And not every kid is going to be a straight A student and most of all not every kid is going to look the way you hoped they would. They might not be skinny or they might be too skinny, you might not like the clothes they pick out and they might not be popular... But fortunately school is very small portion of a persons entire life and our goal as parents should be to help our kids love themselves as much as possible so that they can grow up and do great things for this world!
Xoxo chef a
So first of all I have to tell you about this amazing ice cream I found...it's not low fat, low sugar, or low calorie, but it happens to be completely worth it! It's Blue Bell "Spiced Pumpkin Pecan!" I happen to be a pumpkin fan but even if you don't think its your thing... could anything be better than creamy pumpkin ice cream with sugared spiced pecans and a ribbon of caramel. All I'm saying is we will definitely be having a Spiced Pumpkin Pecan ice cream cake for thanksgiving this year!
On a more serious note....
Although I don't normally talk about current events I am going to discuss why Demi Lovato is in a treatment center. I don't know all of the details of her personal story obviously... But I do know what it feels like to be bullied growing up and not in a beat you up after science class kind of way. It was more of a say such hurtful things to you it makes you hate yourself from the inside kind of way. I think I would have rather just been taken out on the playground...
I have gone into detail about growing up as a chubby kid and being tormented by other girls. I have also discussed refusing to go to school for almost an entire year because of it. I feel lucky that I was personally strong enough to never hurt myself in a physical way but I can definitely see how easy it would have been to go in the other direction.
Our country is facing a horrible truth... Unfortunately the society image we are teaching our children through our own actions and those portrayed on television and in the movies is finally catching up with us. As much as we are worried about health insurance and taxes we should be forced to worry about what is happening in our schools as the suicide rate climbs and climbs and the ages get younger and younger.
At what point will we take responsibility for creating hate??
I honestly don't know the answers to how to fix this but I do know that it needs to be addressed because it would be a real shame if we end up with a generation of kids who can play every sport, two musical instruments, and get accepted into all the best colleges but who are so stressed out and unhappy that they end up not being able to function in the real world! Maybe our priorities need to shift a bit...
I hope the mothers and fathers out there really hear this blog today because I think that the emotional safety of your children lies in your hands... We have to teach our kids how to stand up to the bullying, how to treat their peers with respect and love and more than anything we need to make sure that self confidence is built at home where our children should feel loved and supported no matter what their strengths and weaknesses are because not every kid is going to be a star football player or dancer. And not every kid is going to be a straight A student and most of all not every kid is going to look the way you hoped they would. They might not be skinny or they might be too skinny, you might not like the clothes they pick out and they might not be popular... But fortunately school is very small portion of a persons entire life and our goal as parents should be to help our kids love themselves as much as possible so that they can grow up and do great things for this world!
Xoxo chef a
Sunday, October 3, 2010
A Special Place
On the IPOD "The Scientist" By: Coldplay
Well what I thought were just allergies turned into a body aching, itchy eyes, sneezing fits kind of cold and to say that I'm over it is an understatement! The unfortunate thing is that I missed the Movestudio Anniversary event last night...
I decided to talk a little bit about how Movestudio helped me to change my life.
For years I drove by this dance studio close to my moms house...every once in a while I looked up the schedule and talked myself out of actually showing up to a class with excuses like; I don't have the right clothes, I'll never be able to keep up, I'll be too embarrassed. But a year ago that all changed... I decided to face my weight problems head on through this blog and without thinking twice I joined my mom for a chair yoga class. From the moment I walked in I felt extremely comfortable. That first class was really geared more towards my mom's age group, but not only did I feel great for actually getting through the hour class but I ended up with a funny tale to tell from the experience. When I left that day I decided to just dive right in and try more classes.
The next day I showed up for Jule's Nia class... I stood in the back row on the right side and had no idea what I was doing but I fell in love with being there. As the weeks went on I came back more and more and finally found my spot in the back row but on the other side of the room. The most amazing thing happened... I built relationships with the other dancers. They eventually became followers of my blog and more importantly became advocates in my life. They have made it possible for me to be strong in moments of weakness and to be present in the class when it felt like I was failing in the outside world. Being in Nia class gave me the strength to to try other classes like Zumba and eventually the Zensual classes which in the darkest moments of infertility helped me to feel like a woman even when it felt impossible. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel like Movestudio has changed my life. It has not been all perfect, there are times when I dance in the wrong direction and even a moment when I fell to the floor in 7 inch platforms. But it made me realize that I would rather try something and have an embarrassing funny story to tell then to not have tried it at all...
In the last year I have lost 60 pounds, I have been through a grueling round of infertility, I have become a dancer, I have gained unmeasurable amounts of self esteem, and I am now 6 1/2 months pregnant with a baby boy! Although this pregnancy has been a tad bit difficult and I have missed more classes than I have wanted to. I know that my place remains. Knowing that my Nia girls and boys are waiting patiently for my return makes each pound I gain a little less painful. And knowing that I will be bringing my son up around such amazing and supportive friends makes Movestudio hold a very special place in my heart. I hope that those of you reading this blog are lucky enough to find a place like Movestudio, a place that helps you to change your life from the inside out.
To another 10 years...
xoxo chef a
Well what I thought were just allergies turned into a body aching, itchy eyes, sneezing fits kind of cold and to say that I'm over it is an understatement! The unfortunate thing is that I missed the Movestudio Anniversary event last night...
I decided to talk a little bit about how Movestudio helped me to change my life.
For years I drove by this dance studio close to my moms house...every once in a while I looked up the schedule and talked myself out of actually showing up to a class with excuses like; I don't have the right clothes, I'll never be able to keep up, I'll be too embarrassed. But a year ago that all changed... I decided to face my weight problems head on through this blog and without thinking twice I joined my mom for a chair yoga class. From the moment I walked in I felt extremely comfortable. That first class was really geared more towards my mom's age group, but not only did I feel great for actually getting through the hour class but I ended up with a funny tale to tell from the experience. When I left that day I decided to just dive right in and try more classes.
The next day I showed up for Jule's Nia class... I stood in the back row on the right side and had no idea what I was doing but I fell in love with being there. As the weeks went on I came back more and more and finally found my spot in the back row but on the other side of the room. The most amazing thing happened... I built relationships with the other dancers. They eventually became followers of my blog and more importantly became advocates in my life. They have made it possible for me to be strong in moments of weakness and to be present in the class when it felt like I was failing in the outside world. Being in Nia class gave me the strength to to try other classes like Zumba and eventually the Zensual classes which in the darkest moments of infertility helped me to feel like a woman even when it felt impossible. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel like Movestudio has changed my life. It has not been all perfect, there are times when I dance in the wrong direction and even a moment when I fell to the floor in 7 inch platforms. But it made me realize that I would rather try something and have an embarrassing funny story to tell then to not have tried it at all...
In the last year I have lost 60 pounds, I have been through a grueling round of infertility, I have become a dancer, I have gained unmeasurable amounts of self esteem, and I am now 6 1/2 months pregnant with a baby boy! Although this pregnancy has been a tad bit difficult and I have missed more classes than I have wanted to. I know that my place remains. Knowing that my Nia girls and boys are waiting patiently for my return makes each pound I gain a little less painful. And knowing that I will be bringing my son up around such amazing and supportive friends makes Movestudio hold a very special place in my heart. I hope that those of you reading this blog are lucky enough to find a place like Movestudio, a place that helps you to change your life from the inside out.
To another 10 years...
xoxo chef a
Friday, September 10, 2010
The First Year....
On the IPOD "Breathe Again" By: Sara Bareilles
(Sorry to repeat the artist two posts in a row, but the album is just tooo good!)
The last three days have been rough! Who knew a knee replacement surgery was maybe one of the hardest surgeries ever. My mom's pain threshold is extremely high and yet the pain put her in tears. I'm just glad to be past day three! Thanks for all of your comments on facebook wishing her well!
Anyhow I left the last blog asking you who your worst critic is....the reason I asked is because when I was hangin with a couple of my favorite girls last week we were pretty much discussing how much "body hate" is ok. I know it seems weird to put it like that...I'm mean in a perfect world we would love our body no matter what, but yet our world is far from perfect.
Over the last year many things have changed in my life. A year ago I started this blog...I have relinquished almost all of my secrets to maybe get to a point that I would have to be completely honest with myself. In the process, I lost 60 pounds in 6 months and then after a year of trying, I got pregnant with the help of the best doctor ever, some lovely hormones, a husband, a veterinarian, and a relaxing trip to Rosemary Beach. It takes a village! Believe me when I say, I still have a ways to go on the weight loss front and it will be confronted as soon as this little boy is born, but the question still lingers over my head... Is my relationship with my own body healthier than it was a year ago???? That's a hard one...in many ways I would say yes, but yet even at 5 1/2 months pregnant, the 4 1/2 pounds that I've gained are still difficult and it's hard for my to not jump off the scale and watch every bite I take in complete and utter disgust. It seems that the line between being an over eater and being a fanatical weight watcher is getting thinner and thinner.
There was a time when I would have said that the people around me were my worst critics... but that has definitely changed I have realized that yes their comments were harmful to me and might have even exposed me to the news that I was heavier than the other kids, but it was me who turned their comments into a minute by minute battle within myself. If I continue to put the blame on them...I'll never really be able to have the control. And isn't that what I'm really searching for???? Whether I'm controlling myself by eating a snickers bar under my covers or looking up the calorie count of a restaurant menu before we go out to eat, it seems that what I'm really trying to feel is control. I have to say that's one of the most difficult parts about being pregnant... I really never have the control. Which could possibly put me in a tail spin when the baby comes and then my weight ends up being the only part of my life I can control...
I guess my conclusion is that this blog has saved my life! Not only in health, but by giving me the best gift ever and that is the line between my brain, my fingers, this keyboard, and you... Whether you are reading because you've known me my whole life and you find this window as a guilty pleasure or because you have no idea who the heck I am but maybe we share something beyond our place in this world. I thank you for listening and for your comments and for your good karma. And I hope one day to say that I have a good mixture of really healthy self love with a little bit of good old "body hate." I mean I wouldn't want to be plastic...
So to the next year....
xoxo chef a
(Sorry to repeat the artist two posts in a row, but the album is just tooo good!)
The last three days have been rough! Who knew a knee replacement surgery was maybe one of the hardest surgeries ever. My mom's pain threshold is extremely high and yet the pain put her in tears. I'm just glad to be past day three! Thanks for all of your comments on facebook wishing her well!
Anyhow I left the last blog asking you who your worst critic is....the reason I asked is because when I was hangin with a couple of my favorite girls last week we were pretty much discussing how much "body hate" is ok. I know it seems weird to put it like that...I'm mean in a perfect world we would love our body no matter what, but yet our world is far from perfect.
Over the last year many things have changed in my life. A year ago I started this blog...I have relinquished almost all of my secrets to maybe get to a point that I would have to be completely honest with myself. In the process, I lost 60 pounds in 6 months and then after a year of trying, I got pregnant with the help of the best doctor ever, some lovely hormones, a husband, a veterinarian, and a relaxing trip to Rosemary Beach. It takes a village! Believe me when I say, I still have a ways to go on the weight loss front and it will be confronted as soon as this little boy is born, but the question still lingers over my head... Is my relationship with my own body healthier than it was a year ago???? That's a hard one...in many ways I would say yes, but yet even at 5 1/2 months pregnant, the 4 1/2 pounds that I've gained are still difficult and it's hard for my to not jump off the scale and watch every bite I take in complete and utter disgust. It seems that the line between being an over eater and being a fanatical weight watcher is getting thinner and thinner.
There was a time when I would have said that the people around me were my worst critics... but that has definitely changed I have realized that yes their comments were harmful to me and might have even exposed me to the news that I was heavier than the other kids, but it was me who turned their comments into a minute by minute battle within myself. If I continue to put the blame on them...I'll never really be able to have the control. And isn't that what I'm really searching for???? Whether I'm controlling myself by eating a snickers bar under my covers or looking up the calorie count of a restaurant menu before we go out to eat, it seems that what I'm really trying to feel is control. I have to say that's one of the most difficult parts about being pregnant... I really never have the control. Which could possibly put me in a tail spin when the baby comes and then my weight ends up being the only part of my life I can control...
I guess my conclusion is that this blog has saved my life! Not only in health, but by giving me the best gift ever and that is the line between my brain, my fingers, this keyboard, and you... Whether you are reading because you've known me my whole life and you find this window as a guilty pleasure or because you have no idea who the heck I am but maybe we share something beyond our place in this world. I thank you for listening and for your comments and for your good karma. And I hope one day to say that I have a good mixture of really healthy self love with a little bit of good old "body hate." I mean I wouldn't want to be plastic...
So to the next year....
xoxo chef a
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Working Out On Empty
On the IPOD "You Lost Me" By: Christina Aguilera
On Tuesday I learned a very important lesson, Listen to your body! You would think that after almost 32 years of life I would know that one, but I think in general I have been ignoring my body most of my life.
This is how the day went... I left the house at around 6 am and headed to the store and to my client's house. After work I picked up a couple of sandwiches for my mom and I and met her at my place so that she could help me go through the closet in the nursery room.(Thank you MOM!) I had a veggie sandwich with cheese (There is no question that I'm having a difficult time eating protein at the moment.) We worked on the closet for a couple of hours and then I took a quick little nap before Nia. On the way to Nia I realized that I hadn't eaten anything since 12 but I was running late and was going to see if they had a bar or something at the studio. Unfortunately they didn't... So instead of listening to my body at this point...I just grabbed my water and headed to class. About 15 minutes into class, I started to feel funny... My leg started cramping and there was no question that my body was letting me know that something wasn't right. But did I listen...nope I just went on with class. After class I met my friend Jamie for dinner and I had a chicken sandwich. On the way home from dinner I was not feeling well at all, so badly in fact that I got extremely sick when I got home. Now I haven't been sick in 5 days so it did make me worry a little, I put a call into my doctor who called right back and had a serious talk with me about making eating a priority and not ever going more than two hours without at least a snack. He said that I let my blood sugar get too low and then worked out and most likely I need more fluids as well.
Of course I'm going to do everything I can to face my recurring food issues head on since obviously they are still causing problems. I mean I've been guilting myself over food for the last 24 years what would make me think that being pregnant would somehow fix it. If anything it is making me even more aware of how much control I give to the numbers on a scale even if in exchange I ignore the truths that my body is obviously screaming at me. I'm going to take the next few days before my birthday to talk openly and honestly with you about how I am truly feeling about food, my body and my health and hopefully it will help me get on the track I need to be for the next 5 1/2 months and maybe even for the rest of my life.
xoxo chef a
On Tuesday I learned a very important lesson, Listen to your body! You would think that after almost 32 years of life I would know that one, but I think in general I have been ignoring my body most of my life.
This is how the day went... I left the house at around 6 am and headed to the store and to my client's house. After work I picked up a couple of sandwiches for my mom and I and met her at my place so that she could help me go through the closet in the nursery room.(Thank you MOM!) I had a veggie sandwich with cheese (There is no question that I'm having a difficult time eating protein at the moment.) We worked on the closet for a couple of hours and then I took a quick little nap before Nia. On the way to Nia I realized that I hadn't eaten anything since 12 but I was running late and was going to see if they had a bar or something at the studio. Unfortunately they didn't... So instead of listening to my body at this point...I just grabbed my water and headed to class. About 15 minutes into class, I started to feel funny... My leg started cramping and there was no question that my body was letting me know that something wasn't right. But did I listen...nope I just went on with class. After class I met my friend Jamie for dinner and I had a chicken sandwich. On the way home from dinner I was not feeling well at all, so badly in fact that I got extremely sick when I got home. Now I haven't been sick in 5 days so it did make me worry a little, I put a call into my doctor who called right back and had a serious talk with me about making eating a priority and not ever going more than two hours without at least a snack. He said that I let my blood sugar get too low and then worked out and most likely I need more fluids as well.
Of course I'm going to do everything I can to face my recurring food issues head on since obviously they are still causing problems. I mean I've been guilting myself over food for the last 24 years what would make me think that being pregnant would somehow fix it. If anything it is making me even more aware of how much control I give to the numbers on a scale even if in exchange I ignore the truths that my body is obviously screaming at me. I'm going to take the next few days before my birthday to talk openly and honestly with you about how I am truly feeling about food, my body and my health and hopefully it will help me get on the track I need to be for the next 5 1/2 months and maybe even for the rest of my life.
xoxo chef a
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Baby Bump Etiquette
On the IPOD "Whattya Want From Me" by: Adam Lambert
So all of the sudden yesterday morning I woke up and was pregnant... Well to be honest it really started on Thursday night...As I was leaving my mom's house she said to me, "Oh, I see a little baby bump!" Of course the overweight girl in me came out and I was devastated...When I got home I stared in the mirror thinking, oh my goodness I'm going to have to come to grips with this because it's the first time in my life that sucking in doesn't at least work a little...
To top it off while I was looking at some baby stuff at a local store the saleswoman did the unthinkable... she touched my baby bump. I guess she was feeling for the baby... I was so taken back that I just stood there in awe that someone would actually think that this type of behavior was normal. Let me go ahead and say that it is not acceptable to touch a 3 month pregnant girl's belly. I don't even let my own husband touch my stomach let alone some stranger. I mean I know that I'm not in control of what my body does at the moment, but I would at least like to think that I can control who touches it. Maybe I'll feel different about it when I'm like 8 months pregnant but right now when I'm extremely moody, nauseous, and self conscience it could result in someone getting slapped across the face!
Sunday is my Dad's birthday, he would have been 75 years old. Mike and I are going to go visit his grave on the way to pick up the crib that I couldn't live without (obviously not from the saleswoman who touched my stomach!!) It should make everything very real! Hope everyone is having a wonderful, relaxing weekend.
xoxo chef a
So all of the sudden yesterday morning I woke up and was pregnant... Well to be honest it really started on Thursday night...As I was leaving my mom's house she said to me, "Oh, I see a little baby bump!" Of course the overweight girl in me came out and I was devastated...When I got home I stared in the mirror thinking, oh my goodness I'm going to have to come to grips with this because it's the first time in my life that sucking in doesn't at least work a little...
To top it off while I was looking at some baby stuff at a local store the saleswoman did the unthinkable... she touched my baby bump. I guess she was feeling for the baby... I was so taken back that I just stood there in awe that someone would actually think that this type of behavior was normal. Let me go ahead and say that it is not acceptable to touch a 3 month pregnant girl's belly. I don't even let my own husband touch my stomach let alone some stranger. I mean I know that I'm not in control of what my body does at the moment, but I would at least like to think that I can control who touches it. Maybe I'll feel different about it when I'm like 8 months pregnant but right now when I'm extremely moody, nauseous, and self conscience it could result in someone getting slapped across the face!
Sunday is my Dad's birthday, he would have been 75 years old. Mike and I are going to go visit his grave on the way to pick up the crib that I couldn't live without (obviously not from the saleswoman who touched my stomach!!) It should make everything very real! Hope everyone is having a wonderful, relaxing weekend.
xoxo chef a
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Pregnancy Body Image
On the IPOD "Landslide" By: Fleetwood Mac
I'm not exactly sure how some of you are going to take this but to be true and honest to myself it needs to be discussed and hopefully you will see my side of it without feeling the need to tell me to get over it... :)
I know that there are many women out there who get pregnant and are able to just let themselves go. They see their bodies changing and they somehow embrace it and realize it's for a great cause, they are growing a baby. I wish that I could say that... I wish that I didn't have guilt over each craving, but I do. And I wish that I could someday see myself wanting to mold my pregnant belly with paper mache and hang it on our wall, but I can guarantee that will never happen in this house!
I have not gained any weight thus far...due mainly to the fact that I can't keep a whole lot down. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm a little scared about not having morning sickness..... I'm scared of losing control and gaining too much. I'm scared of how I will perceive myself. And I'm most scared of being completely overwhelmed in 7 months with a new baby and massive weight to lose.
The book I'm reading told me to look at my body in the mirror and see the changes going on... Obviously the lady who wrote the book has no experience with body image issues...I'm not talking about small issues with your body ie: my butt's too big, I'm too short, too tall, my boobs suck, etc. I am referring to the people out there whether skinny, chubby, or fat, who have debilitating feelings about their body. Those of us who have cancelled plans while crying in the mirror because we can't find something to wear that looks decent. Or have honestly wanted to beat a photographer for taking a picture of us. I'm a tad bit better about it now but I'm far from perfect... I decided to go ahead and partake in her little exercise, I took off my clothes and gazed into the mirror. I wish I could say that I got all teary eyed and saw my growing belly as a home for this precious little baby inside but in reality it pretty much just looks like I've eaten too much! I'm going to go ahead and say that this exercise really didn't do much for me today...I'm thinking that maybe it would be best to look again at say 6 months pregnant when it looks like there is really a baby in there, but for now I'm content with staying far away from naked mirror shots of myself and will instead just try to embrace the feeling of being preggers.
I think that these "feelings" are going to need to be talked about from time to time because I can't imagine them just vanishing. But please don't misunderstand me, I am absolutely thrilled about carrying this baby, we have spent lots of time, money and heartache trying to get to this point and we just can not wait until we are able to meet our little one. But in truth most of the books and websites discuss how great you should feel about your expanding waistline and I want to make sure that the women out there who are maybe feeling a tad bit apprehensive about it know that there are others, like me, who are still completely elated about having a baby but have normal, hard to explain fears about what is happening to their bodies in the process. I just can't imagine going through the feelings I'm having and not having you to talk to about it. It saddens me to think that there might be some of you out there who are embarassed about not feeling thrilled about your image in the mirror and I just want to make sure that you are aware that it is really not that uncommon, it is just not discussed enough.
xoxo chef a
I'm not exactly sure how some of you are going to take this but to be true and honest to myself it needs to be discussed and hopefully you will see my side of it without feeling the need to tell me to get over it... :)
I know that there are many women out there who get pregnant and are able to just let themselves go. They see their bodies changing and they somehow embrace it and realize it's for a great cause, they are growing a baby. I wish that I could say that... I wish that I didn't have guilt over each craving, but I do. And I wish that I could someday see myself wanting to mold my pregnant belly with paper mache and hang it on our wall, but I can guarantee that will never happen in this house!
I have not gained any weight thus far...due mainly to the fact that I can't keep a whole lot down. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm a little scared about not having morning sickness..... I'm scared of losing control and gaining too much. I'm scared of how I will perceive myself. And I'm most scared of being completely overwhelmed in 7 months with a new baby and massive weight to lose.
The book I'm reading told me to look at my body in the mirror and see the changes going on... Obviously the lady who wrote the book has no experience with body image issues...I'm not talking about small issues with your body ie: my butt's too big, I'm too short, too tall, my boobs suck, etc. I am referring to the people out there whether skinny, chubby, or fat, who have debilitating feelings about their body. Those of us who have cancelled plans while crying in the mirror because we can't find something to wear that looks decent. Or have honestly wanted to beat a photographer for taking a picture of us. I'm a tad bit better about it now but I'm far from perfect... I decided to go ahead and partake in her little exercise, I took off my clothes and gazed into the mirror. I wish I could say that I got all teary eyed and saw my growing belly as a home for this precious little baby inside but in reality it pretty much just looks like I've eaten too much! I'm going to go ahead and say that this exercise really didn't do much for me today...I'm thinking that maybe it would be best to look again at say 6 months pregnant when it looks like there is really a baby in there, but for now I'm content with staying far away from naked mirror shots of myself and will instead just try to embrace the feeling of being preggers.
I think that these "feelings" are going to need to be talked about from time to time because I can't imagine them just vanishing. But please don't misunderstand me, I am absolutely thrilled about carrying this baby, we have spent lots of time, money and heartache trying to get to this point and we just can not wait until we are able to meet our little one. But in truth most of the books and websites discuss how great you should feel about your expanding waistline and I want to make sure that the women out there who are maybe feeling a tad bit apprehensive about it know that there are others, like me, who are still completely elated about having a baby but have normal, hard to explain fears about what is happening to their bodies in the process. I just can't imagine going through the feelings I'm having and not having you to talk to about it. It saddens me to think that there might be some of you out there who are embarassed about not feeling thrilled about your image in the mirror and I just want to make sure that you are aware that it is really not that uncommon, it is just not discussed enough.
xoxo chef a
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Dangerous Words
ON the IPOD "Take Everything" by: Greg Laswell
So I've been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to discuss this but it has turned into me feeling like I'm holding it in and we all know that that path tends to end up in my kitchen so I decided to discuss it.
I'm going to start out be saying that my brothers are truly two of my very best friends. We have obviously been through every detail of our lives together... and I love them dearly. But I would be lying if I said that I have never been jealous of them... They have never had a weight problem... and they have always had a choice on what family activities to be involved with (and I'm not talking about the good activities, I'm talking about doctors appointments, hospice calls, taking care of business activities that no one wants to do.) I am by no means saying that they have never done anything... I'm just saying that the responsibilities of a daughter are different than a son.
The reason I need to bring all this up is not to bash them in anyway, it is mainly to show you how dangerous words are...
About 3 years ago, during a time in which my father was very ill, the three of us with our respective partners at the time and I would say 3-4 of my closest friends were hanging out at a bar called "Meridian Room" in Dallas. The subject came up that I, except for some awesome trips, have lived here. I went to college here and I stayed here.
My brother Andrew started in on me saying that I've never explored the world or lived my life...and that all I do is take care of our Mom and Dad... The lecture went on to include my weight! I was risking my health and not thinking of him or the rest of my family. To tell you the truth it is hard for me to remember past the outburst of crying that night but I remember words like unhealthy, disappointment, overweight, embarrassment, bad choices... To have this said to me in front of my family and my closest friends was probably one of the lowest points of my life. I felt abused and attacked! I think the episode ended when somebody finally turned to him and said "Enough!"
The thing is that it was hard for me to get defensive about it. I did stay in Dallas because my Dad was sick... it was also because I met Mike and there were more business opportunities here at the time. But to tell you the truth, I don't have regrets about that...I would have had regrets about not seeing my Dad everyday, I would have regretted not getting to grow up with Mike, I would have regretted not having some of the most incredible culinary teachers and I would have regretted not building a friendship with my mom (I was pretty much a pain in high school). On the issue of my weight...what was I supposed to say ... "you're wrong!" Obviously he was right, I was overweight and I still am. But does he even have the slightest clue whats it's like...NO! Did he understand that my weight defined me growing up? Did he understand that I felt trapped by it?? Did I as a child decide, well obviously the way I want to deal with my emotions is by eating??? I'm going to go ahead and say no...
But me bawling in the middle of a bar surrounded by family and friends was not exactly the most constructive way to bring up any issues he had with my choices...
What my brothers don't understand about my choice to be here, is all the stuff that is taken care of behind the scenes while they play. They don't know about the sick days, medical procedures, birthday parties, mothers day brunches, good days, bad days, sad days, and days when my mom's t.v. doesn't work. To tell you the truth I used to be mad about it (honestly sometimes I still am), but now I just feel sorry for them because they are missing out on her. And I am lucky enough to really know her...
I don't know why brothers and sisters are so critical of each other. Maybe it has to with loving a person so much that you feel like its safe. I, of course, forgave my brother for his outburst as I am sure he has forgiven me for things I have said. Because at the end of the day I know that he loves me and I love him, but it did effect my brain. It made me doubt myself, and I think of it often...
My brothers will never truly understand what it is like to be the daughter...They will also never understand what it was like to grow up as a chubby little girl with two older brothers that ate whatever they wanted and never gained a pound. Even though we grew up under the same roof at the very same time, our stories are so different which makes us kind of different and I guess that is what makes a family... A group of very different people, bound by blood...
xoxo chef a
So I've been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to discuss this but it has turned into me feeling like I'm holding it in and we all know that that path tends to end up in my kitchen so I decided to discuss it.
I'm going to start out be saying that my brothers are truly two of my very best friends. We have obviously been through every detail of our lives together... and I love them dearly. But I would be lying if I said that I have never been jealous of them... They have never had a weight problem... and they have always had a choice on what family activities to be involved with (and I'm not talking about the good activities, I'm talking about doctors appointments, hospice calls, taking care of business activities that no one wants to do.) I am by no means saying that they have never done anything... I'm just saying that the responsibilities of a daughter are different than a son.
The reason I need to bring all this up is not to bash them in anyway, it is mainly to show you how dangerous words are...
About 3 years ago, during a time in which my father was very ill, the three of us with our respective partners at the time and I would say 3-4 of my closest friends were hanging out at a bar called "Meridian Room" in Dallas. The subject came up that I, except for some awesome trips, have lived here. I went to college here and I stayed here.
My brother Andrew started in on me saying that I've never explored the world or lived my life...and that all I do is take care of our Mom and Dad... The lecture went on to include my weight! I was risking my health and not thinking of him or the rest of my family. To tell you the truth it is hard for me to remember past the outburst of crying that night but I remember words like unhealthy, disappointment, overweight, embarrassment, bad choices... To have this said to me in front of my family and my closest friends was probably one of the lowest points of my life. I felt abused and attacked! I think the episode ended when somebody finally turned to him and said "Enough!"
The thing is that it was hard for me to get defensive about it. I did stay in Dallas because my Dad was sick... it was also because I met Mike and there were more business opportunities here at the time. But to tell you the truth, I don't have regrets about that...I would have had regrets about not seeing my Dad everyday, I would have regretted not getting to grow up with Mike, I would have regretted not having some of the most incredible culinary teachers and I would have regretted not building a friendship with my mom (I was pretty much a pain in high school). On the issue of my weight...what was I supposed to say ... "you're wrong!" Obviously he was right, I was overweight and I still am. But does he even have the slightest clue whats it's like...NO! Did he understand that my weight defined me growing up? Did he understand that I felt trapped by it?? Did I as a child decide, well obviously the way I want to deal with my emotions is by eating??? I'm going to go ahead and say no...
But me bawling in the middle of a bar surrounded by family and friends was not exactly the most constructive way to bring up any issues he had with my choices...
What my brothers don't understand about my choice to be here, is all the stuff that is taken care of behind the scenes while they play. They don't know about the sick days, medical procedures, birthday parties, mothers day brunches, good days, bad days, sad days, and days when my mom's t.v. doesn't work. To tell you the truth I used to be mad about it (honestly sometimes I still am), but now I just feel sorry for them because they are missing out on her. And I am lucky enough to really know her...
I don't know why brothers and sisters are so critical of each other. Maybe it has to with loving a person so much that you feel like its safe. I, of course, forgave my brother for his outburst as I am sure he has forgiven me for things I have said. Because at the end of the day I know that he loves me and I love him, but it did effect my brain. It made me doubt myself, and I think of it often...
My brothers will never truly understand what it is like to be the daughter...They will also never understand what it was like to grow up as a chubby little girl with two older brothers that ate whatever they wanted and never gained a pound. Even though we grew up under the same roof at the very same time, our stories are so different which makes us kind of different and I guess that is what makes a family... A group of very different people, bound by blood...
xoxo chef a
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
3 way mirrors
On the IPOD "Black Horse and The Cherry Tree" by: KT Tunstall
Bathing suit shopping is like society's cruel game on every female. First of all you have to take at least three days to get yourself mentally ready to look at your body in a three way mirror(aka the devil). Then once you get to the store you have to wade through all the beauties modeling the tiniest bikinis available (the only glory in this is knowing that they are most likely looking at their bodies in disgust as well.)
A couple of days ago I went on a mission to find a bathing suit that looked...well...good! I got to the store grabbed a stack of ten and headed for the dressing room. At first I was hoping that I was going to find a fantastic suit that made me look like a supermodel, but as I became more beat down by the vision in the mirror my desire to look like a supermodel turned into a desire to find one that just fit and looked half way decent. The most difficult thing about buying a bathing suit is spending a bloody fortune on something that you feel just ok in... I finally settled on a two piece tankini, a little black skirt and a teal (yes i said teal) halter tank with a built in under wire bra. The bra was a necessity... it is amazing how much skinnier you look with a good bra on, it made such a difference that I was willing to turn my back on my signature color of black. I mean don't get me wrong I am not going to be wearing it out on the town any time soon, but if I need to say go to the beach I will at least be prepared!!
I made the best fish tacos last night. I used a fish called Cobia, it was fantastic! The tacos were whole grain crispy shells, blackened Cobia, shredded cabbage, pico de gallo, feta, and a little guacamole. But the best part was the spicy avocado cream sauce that I served on top. You could use it in about a million ways: enchiladas, taco salad dressing, as a dip with queso and salsa. Here is the recipe:
AVOCADO CREAM SAUCE
1 pint sour cream (You can use light) but I always use "Daisy"
1 large avocado
1/2 jalapeno, seeded and minced
2 cloves of garlic
2 T red onion, minced
salt and pepper to taste
Put first 5 ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Season with salt and pepper. And chill until ready to use.
xoxo chef a
Bathing suit shopping is like society's cruel game on every female. First of all you have to take at least three days to get yourself mentally ready to look at your body in a three way mirror(aka the devil). Then once you get to the store you have to wade through all the beauties modeling the tiniest bikinis available (the only glory in this is knowing that they are most likely looking at their bodies in disgust as well.)
A couple of days ago I went on a mission to find a bathing suit that looked...well...good! I got to the store grabbed a stack of ten and headed for the dressing room. At first I was hoping that I was going to find a fantastic suit that made me look like a supermodel, but as I became more beat down by the vision in the mirror my desire to look like a supermodel turned into a desire to find one that just fit and looked half way decent. The most difficult thing about buying a bathing suit is spending a bloody fortune on something that you feel just ok in... I finally settled on a two piece tankini, a little black skirt and a teal (yes i said teal) halter tank with a built in under wire bra. The bra was a necessity... it is amazing how much skinnier you look with a good bra on, it made such a difference that I was willing to turn my back on my signature color of black. I mean don't get me wrong I am not going to be wearing it out on the town any time soon, but if I need to say go to the beach I will at least be prepared!!
I made the best fish tacos last night. I used a fish called Cobia, it was fantastic! The tacos were whole grain crispy shells, blackened Cobia, shredded cabbage, pico de gallo, feta, and a little guacamole. But the best part was the spicy avocado cream sauce that I served on top. You could use it in about a million ways: enchiladas, taco salad dressing, as a dip with queso and salsa. Here is the recipe:
AVOCADO CREAM SAUCE
1 pint sour cream (You can use light) but I always use "Daisy"
1 large avocado
1/2 jalapeno, seeded and minced
2 cloves of garlic
2 T red onion, minced
salt and pepper to taste
Put first 5 ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Season with salt and pepper. And chill until ready to use.
xoxo chef a
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
L-O-V-E
On the IPOD "Keep Breathing" by: Ingrid Michaelson
First off I have to tell you that I just took the most amazing Nia class called "Soundings". The music is like an opera, it tells the story of a warrior who goes off to war and then once the war is over he has to figure out who he really is... It is interesting to me that this happened to be the routine we did on a day that I was already so introspective about my own journey...
I want to talk with you about love! What does it mean to say that you love someone...I wish that there were a million other words to describe types of love but unfortunately there is only one real word that describes whatever love is supposed to mean. I hope I'm not rambling...
Is it possible to love someone if you don't love yourself?
For years while I was just dating Mike I thought we were in love...we lived with each other and had a life together, but looking back it wasn't real love. It was a sort of toxic love...each of us taking a turn hurting each other and then loving each other. Most likely if we had married then we would surely be divorced today. I cant speak for him but I know that for myself there is no way that I could have possibly loved him when I was so unhappy with myself. I would say that we truly fell in love with each other about a year and a half ago. I was slowly recovering from the death of my father and we went to see a therapist to see if there was something worth saving...
Our therapy sessions ended when we were at a crossroads... Pretty much the therapist asked, "What are you looking for in this relationship?" We had all the wrong answers and we left the session thinking that our relationship was over. There were tears and hurt feeling and fear for what the future held. But something happened on the drive home, I let go ... I let go of my incessant need to control the situation. I let go of my fear of abandonment. I let go my constant worry that he didn't love me for me and I decided that whether he loved me or not I was going to try to love myself. I slowly realized that I was worth something and I gave myself permission to be loved. And then all of the sudden nothing on the list of what I was looking for compared to my desire to share my life with him...rich or poor, kids or no kids, house or no house...
Over the last year I have realized that eveything I thought about love was just Hollywood. I have learned that real love is not about presents and romantic get aways (although those do help!) It is really about helping each other become the best version of yourself. I know now that love is selfless. And although it is hardwork and can even be painful at times there is not a minute in my life that I question my choice.
So I guess my question to you is what does love mean to you and are you really allowing yourself to be loved?
xoxo chef a
First off I have to tell you that I just took the most amazing Nia class called "Soundings". The music is like an opera, it tells the story of a warrior who goes off to war and then once the war is over he has to figure out who he really is... It is interesting to me that this happened to be the routine we did on a day that I was already so introspective about my own journey...
I want to talk with you about love! What does it mean to say that you love someone...I wish that there were a million other words to describe types of love but unfortunately there is only one real word that describes whatever love is supposed to mean. I hope I'm not rambling...
Is it possible to love someone if you don't love yourself?
For years while I was just dating Mike I thought we were in love...we lived with each other and had a life together, but looking back it wasn't real love. It was a sort of toxic love...each of us taking a turn hurting each other and then loving each other. Most likely if we had married then we would surely be divorced today. I cant speak for him but I know that for myself there is no way that I could have possibly loved him when I was so unhappy with myself. I would say that we truly fell in love with each other about a year and a half ago. I was slowly recovering from the death of my father and we went to see a therapist to see if there was something worth saving...
Our therapy sessions ended when we were at a crossroads... Pretty much the therapist asked, "What are you looking for in this relationship?" We had all the wrong answers and we left the session thinking that our relationship was over. There were tears and hurt feeling and fear for what the future held. But something happened on the drive home, I let go ... I let go of my incessant need to control the situation. I let go of my fear of abandonment. I let go my constant worry that he didn't love me for me and I decided that whether he loved me or not I was going to try to love myself. I slowly realized that I was worth something and I gave myself permission to be loved. And then all of the sudden nothing on the list of what I was looking for compared to my desire to share my life with him...rich or poor, kids or no kids, house or no house...
Over the last year I have realized that eveything I thought about love was just Hollywood. I have learned that real love is not about presents and romantic get aways (although those do help!) It is really about helping each other become the best version of yourself. I know now that love is selfless. And although it is hardwork and can even be painful at times there is not a minute in my life that I question my choice.
So I guess my question to you is what does love mean to you and are you really allowing yourself to be loved?
xoxo chef a
Sunday, April 4, 2010
SHPILKES!
On the IPOD "Crucify" by: Tori Amos
I'm going to start off by saying that I still can't get over my tan. My husband actually looked at me last night and said, "Alright stop looking at yourself already!" Ha ha I can't help it!
I am of having shpilkes(pronounced SH-PILL-KEYS)...Shpilkes is a Yiddish term that means nervous energy; to be feeling "antsy." You might ask me, "Amanda, why are you having shpilkes?" Well to be honest I don't know if I have ever not had shpilkes...But at the moment I think it has to do with going out of town for work in two days...The Poteet Strawberry Festival!
First of all, I'm not keen on leaving my husband on the only days he has off! Second I'm really annoyed that I'm going to miss Nia (I have even looked three times to make sure the hotel has an adequate workout room, which in the small town of Poteet, Texas is actually asking quite a lot!) And lastly but probably the most troubling is that I am very concerned about my eating situation... The food there is not healthy to say the very least... There are lots of gorditas, burritos, strawberry shortcake, pies, chocolate covered strawberries, tacos etc....
I'm a tad frustrated that it is taking more and more discipline to lose each pound and it scares me that this one weekend could throw me into a tail spin. Don't worry I have already decided that I'm going to grill a bunch of chicken breasts and take some other standard healthy food but to be real honest I cant imagine that I'm going to want to take my chicken out of the cooler and eat it instead of the authentic Tex Mex that is being prepared and sold by the locals all over the fairgrounds and on every street leading up to the entrance!
I know some of you are thinking, it's only one weekend Amanda just don't worry about it and have fun. Well unfortunately, I don't trust myself... Even after all the weight I have lost and all the good choices I am still currently making, I know that the bad choices are just lurking around the corner waiting for me to ask for their guidance...it is a constant battle of good versus evil. This just leads me back to my ongoing wish that I would just wake up skinny...it would solve everything! Ugh!
xoxo chef a
I'm going to start off by saying that I still can't get over my tan. My husband actually looked at me last night and said, "Alright stop looking at yourself already!" Ha ha I can't help it!
I am of having shpilkes(pronounced SH-PILL-KEYS)...Shpilkes is a Yiddish term that means nervous energy; to be feeling "antsy." You might ask me, "Amanda, why are you having shpilkes?" Well to be honest I don't know if I have ever not had shpilkes...But at the moment I think it has to do with going out of town for work in two days...The Poteet Strawberry Festival!
First of all, I'm not keen on leaving my husband on the only days he has off! Second I'm really annoyed that I'm going to miss Nia (I have even looked three times to make sure the hotel has an adequate workout room, which in the small town of Poteet, Texas is actually asking quite a lot!) And lastly but probably the most troubling is that I am very concerned about my eating situation... The food there is not healthy to say the very least... There are lots of gorditas, burritos, strawberry shortcake, pies, chocolate covered strawberries, tacos etc....
I'm a tad frustrated that it is taking more and more discipline to lose each pound and it scares me that this one weekend could throw me into a tail spin. Don't worry I have already decided that I'm going to grill a bunch of chicken breasts and take some other standard healthy food but to be real honest I cant imagine that I'm going to want to take my chicken out of the cooler and eat it instead of the authentic Tex Mex that is being prepared and sold by the locals all over the fairgrounds and on every street leading up to the entrance!
I know some of you are thinking, it's only one weekend Amanda just don't worry about it and have fun. Well unfortunately, I don't trust myself... Even after all the weight I have lost and all the good choices I am still currently making, I know that the bad choices are just lurking around the corner waiting for me to ask for their guidance...it is a constant battle of good versus evil. This just leads me back to my ongoing wish that I would just wake up skinny...it would solve everything! Ugh!
xoxo chef a
Saturday, April 3, 2010
The Newest Hawaiian Tropics Plus Size Model
On the IPOD "Just Dance" by: Lady GaGa and Colby O'Donis
So as you all know, I started this blog to find the real me. Because of that I decided a while ago that if I have an opportunity to try something new then I'm just not going to not think about it and instead just take it.
For the last 20 years or so I have been ridiculed for my extremely fair skin. My brothers, who are both extremely tan not just because they spend time outdoors but because it is just in their genes, constantly made fun of me for it. They would tell people I was scared of the sun! As I grew up I took full ownership of my magnolia colored skin. If someone made a comment I would quickly quirk back, "well tell me how you feel about it in 20 years when I have no wrinkles!"
If truth be told I would love a little sun glow, but believe it there is no way in hell that I am going to be laying out in a bathing suit! So when I was approached to try this new all natural spray tan called SunFX and I found out that it was mobile and that this amazing girl would come to my house and do it right there for me in complete privacy, I immediately signed up! The best thing about it is that it is custom so she is able to highlight your best areas and distract from your worst.
All day yesterday I had butterflies in my stomach...I was not only worried about changing the color of my skin (yes I'm aware it's not permanent) but I was also more worried about the whole undressing factor.
When Tiffany arrived at my house, she completely put me at ease. She even agreed to work around the armour that I refused to take off, (boy-shorts and an old tank top that I had in such a way that she could spray my chest without being fully exposed.) Hey lets be honest I wasn't really worried about the tan lines that no one except my husband will ever see. I explained to Tiffany that she was dealing with virgin skin, I have never spray tanned or even used tanning lotion and lets be honest I am a little scared of the sun!
I decided to stick with a level one because I didn't want to get crazy or anything. So after she set up her completely private tanning tent, I lotioned up my hands and feet and we got right to it...It was a little cold but not too bad and I was much more comfortable that I thought I would ever be. Even when I had a boob pop out...I just grabbed it real quick and shoved it back in. Within about 5-10 minutes I was done! And all I have to say I looked pretty amazing. I have never been tan like this in my life.
I actually can't stop starring at myself. I have this completely natural looking glow with even skin tone and on top of that it makes me feel skinnier!! I called Mike at work and told him that I hope he is ready to see the newest Hawaiian Tropics plus size model, he laughed! Who would have ever thought that a tan would make me feel so good about myself. I'm pretty sure that I'm signing up for this on a regular basis. SunFX is completely different than other formulas out there...I mean I see girls all the time that have gone way too far and are various shades of orange but this is a beautiful golden color that looks totally natural.
If you are in the Dallas area call Tiffany Ackerman, she is a trained specialist with SunFX and she will either come to your house or you are able to go to her at the Michael Flores Salon. She is completely professional and she has a good heart which are the two things that matter the most to me. This is not just for movie stars but it does make you feel like a movie star! When I told her that I was going to write about how good I feel she offered to give all of my readers a 15% discount on a home or salon visit. Pretty cool of her if you ask me. Just mention Chef Amanda when you call!!!
Tiffany Ackerman
SunFX Specialist
214-914-4349
tiffanymobiletan@yahoo.com
If you are not in the Dallas Area but are still interested in SunFX Spray Tan, you can go to their website and find a salon near you. www.SunFx.com.au
xoxo chef a
Disclaimer: I was not paid nor did I receive any compensation for featuring this service on my blog!
So as you all know, I started this blog to find the real me. Because of that I decided a while ago that if I have an opportunity to try something new then I'm just not going to not think about it and instead just take it.
For the last 20 years or so I have been ridiculed for my extremely fair skin. My brothers, who are both extremely tan not just because they spend time outdoors but because it is just in their genes, constantly made fun of me for it. They would tell people I was scared of the sun! As I grew up I took full ownership of my magnolia colored skin. If someone made a comment I would quickly quirk back, "well tell me how you feel about it in 20 years when I have no wrinkles!"
If truth be told I would love a little sun glow, but believe it there is no way in hell that I am going to be laying out in a bathing suit! So when I was approached to try this new all natural spray tan called SunFX and I found out that it was mobile and that this amazing girl would come to my house and do it right there for me in complete privacy, I immediately signed up! The best thing about it is that it is custom so she is able to highlight your best areas and distract from your worst.
All day yesterday I had butterflies in my stomach...I was not only worried about changing the color of my skin (yes I'm aware it's not permanent) but I was also more worried about the whole undressing factor.
When Tiffany arrived at my house, she completely put me at ease. She even agreed to work around the armour that I refused to take off, (boy-shorts and an old tank top that I had in such a way that she could spray my chest without being fully exposed.) Hey lets be honest I wasn't really worried about the tan lines that no one except my husband will ever see. I explained to Tiffany that she was dealing with virgin skin, I have never spray tanned or even used tanning lotion and lets be honest I am a little scared of the sun!
I decided to stick with a level one because I didn't want to get crazy or anything. So after she set up her completely private tanning tent, I lotioned up my hands and feet and we got right to it...It was a little cold but not too bad and I was much more comfortable that I thought I would ever be. Even when I had a boob pop out...I just grabbed it real quick and shoved it back in. Within about 5-10 minutes I was done! And all I have to say I looked pretty amazing. I have never been tan like this in my life.
I actually can't stop starring at myself. I have this completely natural looking glow with even skin tone and on top of that it makes me feel skinnier!! I called Mike at work and told him that I hope he is ready to see the newest Hawaiian Tropics plus size model, he laughed! Who would have ever thought that a tan would make me feel so good about myself. I'm pretty sure that I'm signing up for this on a regular basis. SunFX is completely different than other formulas out there...I mean I see girls all the time that have gone way too far and are various shades of orange but this is a beautiful golden color that looks totally natural.
If you are in the Dallas area call Tiffany Ackerman, she is a trained specialist with SunFX and she will either come to your house or you are able to go to her at the Michael Flores Salon. She is completely professional and she has a good heart which are the two things that matter the most to me. This is not just for movie stars but it does make you feel like a movie star! When I told her that I was going to write about how good I feel she offered to give all of my readers a 15% discount on a home or salon visit. Pretty cool of her if you ask me. Just mention Chef Amanda when you call!!!
Tiffany Ackerman
SunFX Specialist
214-914-4349
tiffanymobiletan@yahoo.com
If you are not in the Dallas Area but are still interested in SunFX Spray Tan, you can go to their website and find a salon near you. www.SunFx.com.au
xoxo chef a
Disclaimer: I was not paid nor did I receive any compensation for featuring this service on my blog!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Happy Birthday Sharon!!
On the IPOD "And So It Goes" by: Billy Joel
I'm feeling a bit of mixed emotions at the moment...I just got back from an amazing Nia class and group dinner to celebrate Sharon's Birthday. Sharon is an amazingly strong unbelievable woman in my class who is fighting a very difficult battle with cancer.
Last week I made Sharon a playlist ie:mix tape for her to listen to during chemo. It wasn't just that I wanted to but more that I had to... After following her story and hearing about the infusion room which I remember way too well, all I could think about were the playlists still listed on my ipod under such titles as: For Daddy, Chemo, Joe Bill... What you don't know is that my Dad was the ultimate playlist maker. He made CDs for everyone of his friends and not just one but tons...He would usually put a picture of himself (Gotta love the narcissistic behavior) on the cover and either hand deliver or mail them all over the world. When he got sick, we bought him an Ipod...and when he felt the worst I would put together playlists of music for him and load it on to his very own ipod. Today when I go into the back rooms of my mom's house and still see the rows and rows of CDs, I feel a certain amount of comfort, knowing that these were his favorite things. My brothers and I feel like sometimes it is just too quiet in the house without the blare of music coming from the back...maybe that's why the music is so important to me in class...
I don't think my Dad ever accepted that he had cancer and that's what makes Sharon different. She is so incredibly positive about the situation, I mean are you kidding me she went from a chemo treatment to Nia class today! She said something last night that made me really think...She said that she doesn't understand why people refer to the chemo as poison, when what they should think is that how could you call something poison that is going to save your life! My Dad called it poison hopefully that was his mistake and hopefully Sharon's incredibly positive spirit will cure her.
All I know is that seeing this woman, who is fighting for her life, dance is one of the most inspiring things I think that I have ever been lucky enough to witness. Chances are that Sharon will receive many more playlists from me...I mean I am my father's child.
This all kind of makes it silly that I'm still somewhat worried about the 2 ounces of salad dressing that I used at dinner!
I'm giving you one of my favorite recipes...It is a weight watchers recipe that I have tweaked a little bit.
Jalapeno Chicken
4 Servings or more
8 4oz thin chicken breasts
4 tsp or 1 package of low sodium taco seasoning (homemade if you want)
1 tsp of olive oil
4-6 ounces of really good pepperjack cheese
Heat grill or (non-stick saute pan). Trim chicken well and mix with the oil or a little bit of cooking spray and taco seasoning in a plastic bag. Grill chicken about 3-4 minutes on each side or until nicely marked and cooked through but not dry (times many very based on thickness of the chicken.) Place in a glass pyrex dish and cover with shredded cheese. You can either bake now or prepare up to this point and heat to serve later.
Bake at 350* for 10-15 minutes or until cheese is melted and bubbly and chicken is hot.
Hope everyone has a great day!
xoxo chef a
I'm feeling a bit of mixed emotions at the moment...I just got back from an amazing Nia class and group dinner to celebrate Sharon's Birthday. Sharon is an amazingly strong unbelievable woman in my class who is fighting a very difficult battle with cancer.
Last week I made Sharon a playlist ie:mix tape for her to listen to during chemo. It wasn't just that I wanted to but more that I had to... After following her story and hearing about the infusion room which I remember way too well, all I could think about were the playlists still listed on my ipod under such titles as: For Daddy, Chemo, Joe Bill... What you don't know is that my Dad was the ultimate playlist maker. He made CDs for everyone of his friends and not just one but tons...He would usually put a picture of himself (Gotta love the narcissistic behavior) on the cover and either hand deliver or mail them all over the world. When he got sick, we bought him an Ipod...and when he felt the worst I would put together playlists of music for him and load it on to his very own ipod. Today when I go into the back rooms of my mom's house and still see the rows and rows of CDs, I feel a certain amount of comfort, knowing that these were his favorite things. My brothers and I feel like sometimes it is just too quiet in the house without the blare of music coming from the back...maybe that's why the music is so important to me in class...
I don't think my Dad ever accepted that he had cancer and that's what makes Sharon different. She is so incredibly positive about the situation, I mean are you kidding me she went from a chemo treatment to Nia class today! She said something last night that made me really think...She said that she doesn't understand why people refer to the chemo as poison, when what they should think is that how could you call something poison that is going to save your life! My Dad called it poison hopefully that was his mistake and hopefully Sharon's incredibly positive spirit will cure her.
All I know is that seeing this woman, who is fighting for her life, dance is one of the most inspiring things I think that I have ever been lucky enough to witness. Chances are that Sharon will receive many more playlists from me...I mean I am my father's child.
This all kind of makes it silly that I'm still somewhat worried about the 2 ounces of salad dressing that I used at dinner!
I'm giving you one of my favorite recipes...It is a weight watchers recipe that I have tweaked a little bit.
Jalapeno Chicken
4 Servings or more
8 4oz thin chicken breasts
4 tsp or 1 package of low sodium taco seasoning (homemade if you want)
1 tsp of olive oil
4-6 ounces of really good pepperjack cheese
Heat grill or (non-stick saute pan). Trim chicken well and mix with the oil or a little bit of cooking spray and taco seasoning in a plastic bag. Grill chicken about 3-4 minutes on each side or until nicely marked and cooked through but not dry (times many very based on thickness of the chicken.) Place in a glass pyrex dish and cover with shredded cheese. You can either bake now or prepare up to this point and heat to serve later.
Bake at 350* for 10-15 minutes or until cheese is melted and bubbly and chicken is hot.
Hope everyone has a great day!
xoxo chef a
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tripped!
On the IPOD "Sleeping to Dream" by: Jason Mraz
Wednesday night was my last night of "Zensual Bootcamp Level One." I'm going to start off by saying that I love this class. I even love the fact that I made it until the last class before I made a complete fool of myself! During our last free flow dance I bent over, like touching the floor, and came up way toooooo fast, I then lost my balance, tripped over my 8 inch stripper heel and ate it!!!! I was pretty much down for the count, not real sexy! I assured everyone that I was fine which I was but today lets just say I'm definitely feeling the burn!
I left the class feeling a little sad...maybe because more than likely the group of women that I have begun to feel pretty comfortable with would probably be going in different directions but I think even more than that I was a little sad to give up the hour once a week that I was allowing myself to really be free.
There is something empowering about moving in a sexy way... It's that mix of feeling slightly uncomfortable and feeling in complete awe that you don't look half bad doing it. I have more than once caught myself walking like a stripper in the grocery store...shoulders back, hips moving, and legs crossing with a slight drag. Victoria Secret model here I come lol!
Without going in to too much detail I can tell you that it has changed my life at home too. I treat myself better...I indulge in what I refer to as "whole bottle bubble baths" (its when you use the whole bottle of bath product!) In general I'm much more confident and I feel sexier than I did a month ago. I haven't even "danced" for Mike, it doesn't seem to be about that.
A month ago I saw this chubby girl who couldn't get pregnant in the mirror, I had lost that girly feeling that makes you feel attractive. This class helped me find it again! I am looking forward to taking more classes that help me to find my inner self. And I guess during the next couple of weeks before the next bootcamp starts I'll just have to walk around the house in my 8 inch heels and knee pads! I'm sure my husband will be soooo disappointed, Not!
xoxo chef a
Wednesday night was my last night of "Zensual Bootcamp Level One." I'm going to start off by saying that I love this class. I even love the fact that I made it until the last class before I made a complete fool of myself! During our last free flow dance I bent over, like touching the floor, and came up way toooooo fast, I then lost my balance, tripped over my 8 inch stripper heel and ate it!!!! I was pretty much down for the count, not real sexy! I assured everyone that I was fine which I was but today lets just say I'm definitely feeling the burn!
I left the class feeling a little sad...maybe because more than likely the group of women that I have begun to feel pretty comfortable with would probably be going in different directions but I think even more than that I was a little sad to give up the hour once a week that I was allowing myself to really be free.
There is something empowering about moving in a sexy way... It's that mix of feeling slightly uncomfortable and feeling in complete awe that you don't look half bad doing it. I have more than once caught myself walking like a stripper in the grocery store...shoulders back, hips moving, and legs crossing with a slight drag. Victoria Secret model here I come lol!
Without going in to too much detail I can tell you that it has changed my life at home too. I treat myself better...I indulge in what I refer to as "whole bottle bubble baths" (its when you use the whole bottle of bath product!) In general I'm much more confident and I feel sexier than I did a month ago. I haven't even "danced" for Mike, it doesn't seem to be about that.
A month ago I saw this chubby girl who couldn't get pregnant in the mirror, I had lost that girly feeling that makes you feel attractive. This class helped me find it again! I am looking forward to taking more classes that help me to find my inner self. And I guess during the next couple of weeks before the next bootcamp starts I'll just have to walk around the house in my 8 inch heels and knee pads! I'm sure my husband will be soooo disappointed, Not!
xoxo chef a
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Toe
On the IPOD "That's Not My Name" by: The Ting Tings
This morning was one of those mornings where you wake up super early and you think about getting up and taking care of all kinds of things but then you fall back asleep only to wake up late!!! Soooo late that you pick up the closest thing to you to wear and hope that it matches... (at least I always have various pieces of clothing in the car just in case!) So I ended up in the car with a tank top and a mini skirt on and lets just say it was a tad cold!!! I found a bra and some yoga pants in my gym bag in the back seat and managed to slip them on in the parking lot of the first grocery store that I got to. (No unfortunately I can't say that this is the first time that I have gotten dressed in the morning in a parking lot!)
The reason I was in such a rush is because the Tuesday after spring break seems to always be the most ridiculous cook day...
Matzoh Ball Soup
Jalapeno Chicken
Fajita Chicken
Blackened Chicken
Marinated Flank Steak
Pan-Seared Filet Mignon
Salisbury Steak with Red Wine Marinated Button Mushrooms
Egg Salad
Cucumber Salad
Mixed Berries
Crispy Beef Tacos
Jalapeno Cheese Sausages
Oven Fried Chicken Drummettes
Pasta Primavera with a Spicy Tomato Basil Sauce
Pecan Crusted Tilapia
Chopped Salad with celery, cucumbers, carrots, mixed bell peppers, tomatoes, mozzarella, hard boiled eggs, cauliflower and a Garlic Dijon Vinaigrette
and ridiculous amounts of vegetable side dishes
I just got tired again trying to remember everything I cooked today!!
So, as you know I have really been pushing my comfort levels in the last couple of weeks... And the time came for me to actually try to wear a different color other than black.
On Monday morning, I wore a grey pair of pants to Nia and although I felt a little weird I handled it ok and was even able to forget that I was wearing them halfway through class.
Today was a completely different story... After work I took a much needed shower and then decided to try on the dark maroon colored dance pants that have been staring me in the face for the last few weeks. I slipped them on and off about 4 times before just deciding to go to class. Right before I left the house I switched tank tops (terrible idea!) When I got to Nia I immediately felt like slipping out of my own skin...
First off the tank top was wayyyyyyy too short! I slowly walked to the back of the room and took my old place as a "back row bitch". I was very honest with my friends that I was feeling a little uncomfortable...and I tried to stop thinking about it but then it happened... While we were turning I noticed something that by all accounts was maybe the worst thing I have ever seen in my life!!!! I had the dreaded camel toe! As quickly as possible I tried to adjust my tank top so that it would stretch lower...I'm pretty sure I even broke some of the stitching... Nothing was helping....the more we moved the higher it went. I tried to stop it! Between each dance move I pulled and yanked but nothing was working. I tried to tell myself that nobody cared but it didn't matter... I cared! The worst part about it was that Jule's playlist in class was incredible and I couldn't even enjoy it because all I could see was my worst enemy!!!!
I could not get out of class quick enough...I mean it was like the floor was on fire or something. My friend Arlene even called me to make sure everything was ok... I just have to say that I have never been happier to see my wonderful, loyal, incredible, stupendous black pants all lined up in a row waiting for me to come back home.
Don't worry maroon pants...I'll give you another shot...I just have to find a very long tank top!
xoxo chef a
This morning was one of those mornings where you wake up super early and you think about getting up and taking care of all kinds of things but then you fall back asleep only to wake up late!!! Soooo late that you pick up the closest thing to you to wear and hope that it matches... (at least I always have various pieces of clothing in the car just in case!) So I ended up in the car with a tank top and a mini skirt on and lets just say it was a tad cold!!! I found a bra and some yoga pants in my gym bag in the back seat and managed to slip them on in the parking lot of the first grocery store that I got to. (No unfortunately I can't say that this is the first time that I have gotten dressed in the morning in a parking lot!)
The reason I was in such a rush is because the Tuesday after spring break seems to always be the most ridiculous cook day...
Matzoh Ball Soup
Jalapeno Chicken
Fajita Chicken
Blackened Chicken
Marinated Flank Steak
Pan-Seared Filet Mignon
Salisbury Steak with Red Wine Marinated Button Mushrooms
Egg Salad
Cucumber Salad
Mixed Berries
Crispy Beef Tacos
Jalapeno Cheese Sausages
Oven Fried Chicken Drummettes
Pasta Primavera with a Spicy Tomato Basil Sauce
Pecan Crusted Tilapia
Chopped Salad with celery, cucumbers, carrots, mixed bell peppers, tomatoes, mozzarella, hard boiled eggs, cauliflower and a Garlic Dijon Vinaigrette
and ridiculous amounts of vegetable side dishes
I just got tired again trying to remember everything I cooked today!!
So, as you know I have really been pushing my comfort levels in the last couple of weeks... And the time came for me to actually try to wear a different color other than black.
On Monday morning, I wore a grey pair of pants to Nia and although I felt a little weird I handled it ok and was even able to forget that I was wearing them halfway through class.
Today was a completely different story... After work I took a much needed shower and then decided to try on the dark maroon colored dance pants that have been staring me in the face for the last few weeks. I slipped them on and off about 4 times before just deciding to go to class. Right before I left the house I switched tank tops (terrible idea!) When I got to Nia I immediately felt like slipping out of my own skin...
First off the tank top was wayyyyyyy too short! I slowly walked to the back of the room and took my old place as a "back row bitch". I was very honest with my friends that I was feeling a little uncomfortable...and I tried to stop thinking about it but then it happened... While we were turning I noticed something that by all accounts was maybe the worst thing I have ever seen in my life!!!! I had the dreaded camel toe! As quickly as possible I tried to adjust my tank top so that it would stretch lower...I'm pretty sure I even broke some of the stitching... Nothing was helping....the more we moved the higher it went. I tried to stop it! Between each dance move I pulled and yanked but nothing was working. I tried to tell myself that nobody cared but it didn't matter... I cared! The worst part about it was that Jule's playlist in class was incredible and I couldn't even enjoy it because all I could see was my worst enemy!!!!
I could not get out of class quick enough...I mean it was like the floor was on fire or something. My friend Arlene even called me to make sure everything was ok... I just have to say that I have never been happier to see my wonderful, loyal, incredible, stupendous black pants all lined up in a row waiting for me to come back home.
Don't worry maroon pants...I'll give you another shot...I just have to find a very long tank top!
xoxo chef a
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Forgiveness
On the IPOD "Need You Now" by: Lady Antebellium
This weekend has brought on all kinds of questions regarding forgiveness... My dad was always a strong believer in "forgive but don't forget" and he wasn't quite as big on the notion of asking for forgiveness. My Mom is very good at asking for and giving forgiveness and of course taught us how to apologize and how to accept it at a very young age. As kids we were always kind of split on the matter: Adam and I probably forgive the easiest, Andrew finds it harder and the three of us as a whole are probably all resistant to asking for it.
I guess the reason I bring it up is because I'm wondering:
Does forgiving and being forgiven change your body image?
Let me explain a little bit...I am not referring to a higher power kind of forgiveness. I'm talking about a face to face, person to person, heart to heart kind of forgiveness.
Over the last 31 years I have collected a ridiculous amount of baggage. I'm right on the edge of being real sick of carrying it around. I feel like it's digging in to my back and if I get myself really worked up about it I feel like I can't breathe...
Giving forgiveness seems like the easy part because it's on my terms. I can most likely forgive on the surface, but I'm really talking about forgiving from your core. Actually finding a way to let it go and not hold on to even the smallest thread. Don't worry I'm not saying I won't remember it. It has changed me, that I can't deny but I'm just tired of carrying it all.
Asking for forgiveness is harder...First of all you have to admit you're wrong...can you admit that parts of it were wrong??? No, not really I think you have to honestly take full blame...
I guess the question is, what happens if you are not forgiven? I have always heard that you ask for forgiveness three times and if on the third time you are not forgiven then it is on them.
Do you need forgiveness to move past a mistake or is asking for it enough?
I really don't know the answer to this. And I can't really tell you yet if this is really the key to letting your baggage go. But I do know that my baggage does relate to my weight. And I know that it's holding me back. And I know that I play a part in all of it. And I know that I want to fix it however I can.
By the way, I'm completely aware that this is not an overnight fix.
Menu for Monday:
Turkey Meatballs with Fresh Marinara
Sauteed Spinach and Wild Mushrooms
Greek Chicken Skewers
Spinach Salad with hearts of palm, mandarin oranges, toasted almonds, and avocado
Miso Glazed Salmon
Broccoli Lo Mein
Low Fat Brownies
Chicken Drummettes
Vegetable Baked Ziti
xoxo chef a
This weekend has brought on all kinds of questions regarding forgiveness... My dad was always a strong believer in "forgive but don't forget" and he wasn't quite as big on the notion of asking for forgiveness. My Mom is very good at asking for and giving forgiveness and of course taught us how to apologize and how to accept it at a very young age. As kids we were always kind of split on the matter: Adam and I probably forgive the easiest, Andrew finds it harder and the three of us as a whole are probably all resistant to asking for it.
I guess the reason I bring it up is because I'm wondering:
Does forgiving and being forgiven change your body image?
Let me explain a little bit...I am not referring to a higher power kind of forgiveness. I'm talking about a face to face, person to person, heart to heart kind of forgiveness.
Over the last 31 years I have collected a ridiculous amount of baggage. I'm right on the edge of being real sick of carrying it around. I feel like it's digging in to my back and if I get myself really worked up about it I feel like I can't breathe...
Giving forgiveness seems like the easy part because it's on my terms. I can most likely forgive on the surface, but I'm really talking about forgiving from your core. Actually finding a way to let it go and not hold on to even the smallest thread. Don't worry I'm not saying I won't remember it. It has changed me, that I can't deny but I'm just tired of carrying it all.
Asking for forgiveness is harder...First of all you have to admit you're wrong...can you admit that parts of it were wrong??? No, not really I think you have to honestly take full blame...
I guess the question is, what happens if you are not forgiven? I have always heard that you ask for forgiveness three times and if on the third time you are not forgiven then it is on them.
Do you need forgiveness to move past a mistake or is asking for it enough?
I really don't know the answer to this. And I can't really tell you yet if this is really the key to letting your baggage go. But I do know that my baggage does relate to my weight. And I know that it's holding me back. And I know that I play a part in all of it. And I know that I want to fix it however I can.
By the way, I'm completely aware that this is not an overnight fix.
Menu for Monday:
Turkey Meatballs with Fresh Marinara
Sauteed Spinach and Wild Mushrooms
Greek Chicken Skewers
Spinach Salad with hearts of palm, mandarin oranges, toasted almonds, and avocado
Miso Glazed Salmon
Broccoli Lo Mein
Low Fat Brownies
Chicken Drummettes
Vegetable Baked Ziti
xoxo chef a
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