On the IPOD "You Belong To Me" By: Carla Bruni
Im in a FUNK....It could be caused by lack of sleep or by stress or maybe I could even blame it on my hormones. But in reality it seems to be getting worse... I am definitely seeking comfort from food which as usual is just leaving me unsatsified and annoyed with myself. And lets just say my pre-pregnancy weight is still waiting for me...
I love being a mom so dont get me wrong but I am missing just being Amanda. I am no longer just Amanda...I'm Levi's mom. I get lots of questions like, "How is Levi? How is he sleeping? What does he do now?" I have lots of conversations about poop and sleeping through the night schools of thought. And I cant tell you the last time I actually took the time to enjoy my dinner without racing through it so that I could prepare for whatever Levi was going to do next... I am tired... it's true...Levi is not a sleeper... He has yet to every even come close to this sleeping through the night myth I hear other mom's discuss. He is everywhere and in to everything. Even when he wakes up in the middle of the night...I see him in the monitor inspecting his crib like he is devising an escape route. And in the middle of the night when I let him sleep in bed with us (which whatever, Im not going to lie it happens so all of the mom's who are looking down on me shaking your heads at my parenting methods, please remember that I'm a full time working mom and I don't always have the time or energy to let him cry it out!) he doesn't just wake up and snuggle, he wakes up crawls all around the bed and usually finds something to get into whether its poking one of us or finding a remote to play with. He is the epitome of a boy... In gym class yesterday he refused to sit in my lap like all of the other kids, nope Levi likes to be by himself in the middle of the room and when its parachute time and all the other kids are making thunder by hitting the floor, Levi is making thunder on some other kid's face (No Joke!) Although I do have to admit that he would have made his Uncle Adam very proud had he seen him go straight for the rock climbing plank and crawl it all by himself!! He is definitely not easy...but he is cute so that makes up for it!
Sorry I got on a Levi tangent.... anyways back to the issue at hand... I am not happy with myself. I am yet again completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I wish there was an easy fix...a pill I could take...at times I even wish I was strong willed enough to just stop eating, but I'm not. I wish that the food I eat would even fix the way I'm feeling at the time, but it doesn't... In truth it makes it worse...just a cycle of unhappiness with myself, then a burst of food joy, then regret, and then unhappiness again.
Let me stress again that being a mom is the most amazing experience I have ever had. I love Levi to the moon and back, but at the same time...it is an adjustment, there is no rule book, and I am definitely having a difficult time finding myself in all of this. I know it is just getting started again...they say that the first and the last five pounds are the hardest... maybe if I could just get through the first five...I mean honestly at this point I could care less about the last five!
Until tomorrow....
xoxo chef a
