POUND!

On the iPod, “Lights” by Ellie Goulding

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/lights-single-version/418571515?i=418571516

First of all, I just want to say that the outpouring of comments, emails, messages and texts about yesterday’s post was just incredible. It was a really easy post to write but led to a super emotional day so I appreciate all of the support and love. I’m so happy that I’m back. 

On Monday night, I went to a class called POUND at MoveStudio. This class has been on my list for while now and I’m so glad that I finally got my act in gear, I mean here is the class description...

“CHANNEL YOUR INNER ROCKSTAR WITH THIS FULL BODY CARDIO-JAM SESSION INSPIRED BY THE INFECTIOUS, ENERGIZING, AND SWEAT-DRIPPING FUN OF PLAYING THE DRUMS.”

Monday’s are by far my busiest morning workdays and then to top it off I have hip hop rehearsal for the elementary school talent show with 7 2nd grade boys in the afternoon. 🤪 Luckily Mike is off on Mondays so he took over dinner and bedtime so that I could focus on me.  

I got to the class about 10 minutes early so that I could get my place... yes, I’m aware that it’s sort of crazy to have a place at a class I’ve never been to but for starters this is my “home” studio so I have a history here and by history I mean I have a place 😂 If you attend group work out classes you just get this and I don’t need to explain it! Anyways, I got my space! As I was setting up my area I caught the instructors eye... her name is Nicole Borowski. In a bubbly tone she said, “Amanda?” And I quickly nodded my head. What’s funny is that I don’t always tell instructors that I’m coming because it somehow brings more attention to myself and can unintentionally stress instructors out knowing that I will be writing a blog about it but for various reasons today I did. She handed me 2 green Ripstix (a weighted rubber drumstick) and assured me that I would do great! This class takes coordination, I’m not going to lie, but it was so fun!! Beware though there is a lot of squatting!! I’m sort of a perfectionist so I found myself really focusing on the drumming part which led to an intense upper body workout. I’m sure over time I’ll be able to get the leg work in also but to be honest I really liked the fact that I could focus on my arms which is harder in other group workout classes. This class goes by quickly and releases a ton of endorphins, which is awesome! Before I knew it we were on the last song. I was literally dripping with sweat and my arms were feeling like jello! 😂 I can not wait to come back on Monday and I hope you come too. The only thing that could possibly make this class better is more people. I mean there was a good little group of us but I think it would feel even more rock band like with a full room! Pound is only at MoveStudio on Mondays at 7:40pm. Maybe I’ll see you on stage next week! 

Love,

Me

The Rabbit Hole

On the iPod, “Be Alright” by: Dean Lewis

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/be-alright-guitar-acoustic/1435118873?i=1435118879

Screw the bitch who ever said that time heals all wounds. The reality is that the pain from trauma ebbs and flows. Maybe it was loss or abuse or betrayal. Maybe you have just tried to ignore it. Maybe you’ve done everything in your power to own it and work through it. But maybe it still takes your breath away. 

The hard part is that It can hit you sideways, be right straight in front of you or blindside you from the back. It could be triggered by a song on the radio, a season of the year or a picture you find at the bottom of the drawer. But once you have entered the rabbit hole it’s a struggle to find your way out. I once told a friend of mine who was stuck in her own rabbit hole that getting out is almost harder than being in because there begins to be a comfort in the pain. The pain begins to feel like living if that makes sense. I mean we all know that it’s an illusion.... Being alive isn’t just the pain. It’s the pain, and the happiness, and the fear, and the joy, and the regret, and the hope, and the anger, and the love. It’s all of it. This post isn’t really just about me and my rabbit hole. Or the fact that I’ve listened to the same song 54 times today. It’s about you, the one out there thinking that you are the only one in the carpool line that is wading through the shit... whether it happened 30 years ago, 7 years ago, 6 months ago or if you are living in it this minute. Just know that it might never go away but you are never alone. Find your people. Find the ones who know your soul or want to know your soul. Who listen to your stories. Who help you back up. That is living. 

Love,

Me

You’ve got 24 seconds...

On the iPod “Shot Clock” by Ella Mai 

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/shot-clock/1436547828?i=1436548252

About a month ago I started feeling like I was losing myself. 

In truth...It is easy to lose yourself in this role called mom. To be clear, I have always wanted to be someone’s mom so part of me loves every single crazy minute of it and there is even some comfort in losing myself to the role. But lately, I have been feeling the question tugging at me. Who Am i? I mean barely anyone calls me Amanda anymore... instead I answer to mom, mommy, Levi’s mom, luca’s mom, Isaac’s mom, hey you, I need you, can you, will you...seriously if you just make eye contact with me I’ll probably see what you need me to do for you. It’s overwhelming at times...

I used to have the time for myself. I used to be able to go to a 6pm dance class without the worry of anyone else. I would give myself this hour to lose myself in the music. I was a dancer. Now 6pm is like the worst possible time! For starters at 6pm my kids are full blown assholes. They are tired, hungry, and Levi is usually midway through an after school activity. It’s also sometimes the first time of the day I’m getting to see them so to ask my mom, Bebe the Saint, to watch them longer at the bewitching hour is like cruel and unusual punishment. Mike works insanely late which is like a whole other blog post so that’s out. And finding a weekday 6pm babysitter for an hour is like finding the gold at the end of the rainbow...So what’s a girl to do??  

And then it happened...The day before Valentine’s Day one of my favorite instructors, who is also a mom of 3 boys and a professional dancer, posted a video of a dance class that she went to 3 years ago. I had messaged her 3 years ago when I first saw the video telling her I wanted to go with her sometime but then well life happened and I never went... I had finally reached my breaking point. I needed to go to this class! There on the website in bold print...next class 2/14 at 8pm. Mike was working Valentine’s Day, could I possibly give myself this true gift of self love??? So I did it... I signed up for an 8pm Valentine’s night hip hop class... wait for it.... in high heels. 🤦🏻‍♀️!!!!! Bebe, the Saint, agreed to watch the crazies. And by 7 pm, I was threatening them within an inch of their life to be decent human beings so that I could just have the chance to find myself at an 8pm dance class. I got everyone settled and bolted as quickly as I could before anyone, myself included, changed their mind. Luckily, I had texted back and forth with the instructor earlier in the day and she had suggested that I go ahead and sign up to guarantee space in the class because when I walked through the door there were already 6 people on the waitlist. It was a mixed group... I was possibly one of the oldest dancers and I had already embarrassed myself by almost tripping in my heels in the waiting area before class so well there was that...but more importantly I was there. The class was invigorating. It was hard, the music was good, I’m sure to the naked eye I did horrible but in my head I was a freaking goddess and I survived! I left the class wanting more... and before I fell asleep that night...I signed up for the next 6 classes! 😉 The next morning I was dying...like the kind of pain that makes you feel really old but totally and completely alive at the same time. And guess what I was right back there this week! 

Love,

Me

Hey y’all, hey....

On the iPod, “I don’t F&$k with you” By: Big Sean

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-dont-f-k-with-you-feat-e-40/963397688?i=963397692

Almost 10 years ago I started this super personal blog... It kind of came out of no where and sort of shocked people. Pretty quickly I had this incredible audience of over 20,000 readers from across the country. I made a promise to myself when I started the blog that nothing was off limits but that everything would be heartfelt and truthful and if I couldn’t speak my truth well then the blog was pointless and I should quit. Well three years in the rug was pulled out from under me involving some close personal relationships and it began to be much harder to speak my truth because well I had a child and when you become a mom it’s hard to not want to put your life in a bubble to protect all those involved. Many years ago, I was able to move on as best I could and get to a pretty decent place of happiness. You even got to hear from me from time to time but I had stopped writing for myself and instead my head was filled with thoughts about what you guys might want to read... well to be honest it sort of makes for a pretty boring blog. So well about 2 weeks ago, I decided that maybe I don’t really care what y’all want to read 😂 and that maybe I should get back to where it all started so...

If your new here...welcome! You’ve obviously become part of my circle in the last couple of years. I’ll start out by telling you a little about myself because well guess what I’ve evolved over the last 10 years...

I turned 40 in July. I’m married to Mike. I’ve been pregnant 6 times and have 3 boys named Levi, Luca, and Isaac. I’m a chef. I’ve battled my weight since 3rd grade. I’m a daughter to an amazing mom (Bebe) and a very missed dad who left this world 11 long years ago. If I let you into my world, I let you in big. I pride myself on being real and sometimes that’s too much for people but guess what I don’t really give a f$&k. Oh and did I mention I cuss...like a lot and yes even at times in front of my kids. But guess what I’ve been hurt by a lot of words that weren’t considered cuss words. Maybe if we all focused a little more on the context of what was coming out of our mouths rather than the actual words we would live in a happier world with less assholes! But here is the amazing part... if any of these things bother you... no worries BuBye. Can’t wait to fill you in with what I’ve been up to! 

Love Me