On the iPod “Shot Clock” by Ella Mai
About a month ago I started feeling like I was losing myself.
In truth...It is easy to lose yourself in this role called mom. To be clear, I have always wanted to be someone’s mom so part of me loves every single crazy minute of it and there is even some comfort in losing myself to the role. But lately, I have been feeling the question tugging at me. Who Am i? I mean barely anyone calls me Amanda anymore... instead I answer to mom, mommy, Levi’s mom, luca’s mom, Isaac’s mom, hey you, I need you, can you, will you...seriously if you just make eye contact with me I’ll probably see what you need me to do for you. It’s overwhelming at times...
I used to have the time for myself. I used to be able to go to a 6pm dance class without the worry of anyone else. I would give myself this hour to lose myself in the music. I was a dancer. Now 6pm is like the worst possible time! For starters at 6pm my kids are full blown assholes. They are tired, hungry, and Levi is usually midway through an after school activity. It’s also sometimes the first time of the day I’m getting to see them so to ask my mom, Bebe the Saint, to watch them longer at the bewitching hour is like cruel and unusual punishment. Mike works insanely late which is like a whole other blog post so that’s out. And finding a weekday 6pm babysitter for an hour is like finding the gold at the end of the rainbow...So what’s a girl to do??
And then it happened...The day before Valentine’s Day one of my favorite instructors, who is also a mom of 3 boys and a professional dancer, posted a video of a dance class that she went to 3 years ago. I had messaged her 3 years ago when I first saw the video telling her I wanted to go with her sometime but then well life happened and I never went... I had finally reached my breaking point. I needed to go to this class! There on the website in bold print...next class 2/14 at 8pm. Mike was working Valentine’s Day, could I possibly give myself this true gift of self love??? So I did it... I signed up for an 8pm Valentine’s night hip hop class... wait for it.... in high heels. 🤦🏻♀️!!!!! Bebe, the Saint, agreed to watch the crazies. And by 7 pm, I was threatening them within an inch of their life to be decent human beings so that I could just have the chance to find myself at an 8pm dance class. I got everyone settled and bolted as quickly as I could before anyone, myself included, changed their mind. Luckily, I had texted back and forth with the instructor earlier in the day and she had suggested that I go ahead and sign up to guarantee space in the class because when I walked through the door there were already 6 people on the waitlist. It was a mixed group... I was possibly one of the oldest dancers and I had already embarrassed myself by almost tripping in my heels in the waiting area before class so well there was that...but more importantly I was there. The class was invigorating. It was hard, the music was good, I’m sure to the naked eye I did horrible but in my head I was a freaking goddess and I survived! I left the class wanting more... and before I fell asleep that night...I signed up for the next 6 classes! 😉 The next morning I was dying...like the kind of pain that makes you feel really old but totally and completely alive at the same time. And guess what I was right back there this week!