Another Day...Another Dollar

On the IPOD "Lucky Star" By: Madonna

Where does a girl find some luck? Less than two weeks ago I got a new car, the reason for the new purchase was 1. Because my lease was almost up 2. because after the 20th time I hurt my back while struggling to get my son's carseat into the middle seat of a way too narrow backseat and I was officially over it! And 3. because they gave me the deal that I wanted! I love my new car! It's so easy to get Levi in and out and it's in my signature color galaxy black (black with glitter.)

So anyways yesterday was my first day leaving Levi with my mom while I headed to a clients house alone. I unloaded all of the groceries and parked the new car right out front so it would be out of everyones way in the driveway. (Btw my client is in the process of moving their pool to a different location in their back yard so the driveway is full of construction type vehicles) As the door bell rang and the nanny called out to me that there was someone at the door who wanted to talk to me, my stomach dropped. You have got to be frickin kidding me! At the door was one of the contractors. His words exactly were "I'm sorry ma'am I just didn't see your (huge black! (my words added here not his)) vehicle!" And there on the back of my perfect car with the temporary tags still staring at me was a nice crease dent and a scratch. Don't get me wrong I know it's just a car and I know it will get fixed next week, but can't I just have it perfect for a little while??

By the end of the day I had decided that maybe this was a sign that it is just too early to leave the boy at home while I'm at work. I'm sure that it has nothing to do with it , but I'm realizing it doesn't take much to bring out some mom guilt!

On another note lets discuss the fact that Levi and I are going on a little adventure trip soon to sell jams and jellies. I'm not going to lie it could be a disaster! A tired new mom and a three month old at an outdoor show (we are at least under a pavilion so it will be shaded.) Levi will be all good... my friend Tasha is nice enough to let us borrow her cool joovy stroller that folds up real small but will also allow Levi to sprawl out and hopefully take some decent naps and he'll have his formula and toys so what more could a boy want. Now the tired Mommy on the other hand will be living on pinto beans (the only healthy food item sold at the festival!) And will lose the ability to say to Daddy at 8pm "Tag you're it!" But hey I'm sure we will make some memories and that's what it is all about, right? Is it acceptable to dress your son in a strawberry onesie at the strawberry festival, I mean how do you make strawberries look manly??? Although Levi's lucky that I don't buy him a pink and red tutu while we are there! Our adventures will include lots of pictures and I'm sure some stories to boot. Please keep your fingers crossed that I will lose 5 pounds while I'm there and that Levi keeps his poop in his pants!

My client menu for today:
Pan-seared Filet Mignon
Mock "Fried Rice"
Crispy Baked Chicken Drummettes
Low Fat Chicken and Cheese Enchiladas
Beef Fajitas
Spicy Chicken and Vegetable Stir Fry
Low Fat Chicken Salad
and some fresh veggies TBD

xoxo chef a

Goodnight Sweetheart

On the IPOD "Goodnight Sweetheart" By The Moonglows

I wish I knew what time it was, or day, or even month... I literally feel like the walking dead. I've decided what I need though...I just need two extra hours in the day preferably between the hours of say midnight and 2 am. Can somebody please make that happen for me???

I love how I had this all planned out ... I was going to have a baby... be back to work in three weeks and then he would just get it... He was supposed to sleep while I worked only waking up for a bottle and then if he was awake...he would just play quietly until I was done. He would never suck his thumb instead he was going to use a pacifier so that I could take it away at an appropriate age, he would never cry in public, and he would sleep around my schedule. We would only watch television if it was an educational show and Mike and I would still have an active social life.

Ha!

Well I did drag my tush back to work three weeks after... but my kid doesn't sleep...not during the day and not at night... He doesn't get the whole playing by yourself idea instead he screams as loud as possible to the tune of "waaaa! waaaa! waaaa!" until someone picks him up. The highlight of my weekend was that he finally found his thumb! I was so excited about it I sent this picture to one of my best friends while she was on vacation (geez I'm lame!) I'm lucky that he doesn't cry in public and that he loves the sound of a busy restaurant (I need to record it and play it in his room at night!) But he flips my schedule the bird on an regular basis! Think what you will but I do have to admit he watched the entire movie "My Sister's Keeper" last week and then watched me cry for 30 minutes afterwards. Mike says I'm going to turn him into a girl...I think I'm bringing out his sensitive side! Oh and about that social life... Thanks goodness we are keeping up with our plan of Saturday night date night because the only other time we see each other is to pass the baby or to watch "Modern Family" (not really but it
feels that way)

Two nights ago we started doing a twilight feeding at midnight to hopefully help Levi (really me) sleep through the night and all I got was a 4 o'clock wake up call instead of a 3:30 one... hey I shouldn't bitch...that 30 minutes is worth it!

But then I look at him here next to me sleeping in his boppy on the couch and I realize that it really doesn't matter. He is fine...perfect in fact! Maybe a schedule doesn't work for us...I'm not one to write down every feeding and what every poop looks like. I will sleep at some point! Having him at work with me is more important than a set schedule by some nanny, at least in my book. So my kid likes being held, who wouldn't? One day he wont want me to hold him anymore! And as far as the thumb... calling all orthodontists should I just write you a check now?

xoxo chef a

P.S. Does lack of sleep make you crave chocolate? Im going to go with that excuse! Grilled Chicken here I come again...just shoot me now! to be continued...

Grieving continued...

On the IPOD "Here Comes The Sun" By: The Beatles

Sorry it has been so long but I'm having a slightly difficult time getting everything done! My child seems to only sleep in 15 minute intervals during the day...

To say that I have had a rough month is putting it lightly. Between work and the baby and 2 trips to South East Texas it has just been well... busy.

I have to be honest though I have written and rewritten this post about a million times. I am dealing with some "stuff"... I have come to terms with the fact that I'm grieving... I'm grieving for the loss of my Grandmother... I'm grieving for my inability to produce enough milk to breastfeed...I'm grieving for the time that seems to be passing by so quickly...I'm grieving for the lack of control I have over everything at the moment... I'm not really "depressed" (its not slowing me down or making me think unrational thoughts) but I am extremely aware of my emotions. I never would have imagined that I would not be able to nurse my child. I never would have imagined that I would get so hung up on it or that it would effect the way I feel about myself but it has... It's the same feeling I had when I couldn't get pregnant... It's that heart wrenching feeling that I am some how less of a woman.

I know that other Mom's go through it and I know that my son is thriving, but I just never thought it would happen to me. I have taken all kinds of nursing meds and herbs and have dealt with all of their side effects... (They don't tell you on the back of the package that the number one use for herbs like Fenugreek is to help women in other countries gain weight...Thank you very much but I don't need help in that department!) I have called in specialists and I have pumped until well... lets just say I have fallen asleep on numerous occasions sitting up with the pump still attached... I have cried about it, laughed about it, and talked on and on about it. When I feed what little I am producing to Levi I refer to it as "Liquid Gold"... But I know that little by little day by day I am coming to accept that breastfeeding is just not in the cards for us this time. I have packed up the pumps and am nursing only a couple of times a day...

I am by all accounts going through my first failure as a mom... And that's ok with me... Listen you have to start somewhere right? I know in my heart that I need to learn how to deal with small "Hiccups" so that when he walks in with his nose pierced one day, Ill realize that its just a nose and even though that nose was made right here in me... its just a nose! (Hopefully he won't pierce his nose!)

So I'm ok with grieving... it just means that I'm taking the time to let it sink it, to go through all the stages of feelings I need to so that I can let it go...I'll try again with the next one, maybe it will be different, but if not I'll survive and so will he or she... It sure isn't slowing down this kid at 24 1/2 inches long and 14pounds.

My main goal in talking about this is to let those of you out there who have gone through this or are still going through this know that you are really not the only one. And that it's really ok to feel sad about it... Listen if everything went perfect in our lives what kind of people would we be... A very special person in my life told me long ago that having children brings you to your knees...I like it down here I think I'll stay awhile.

xoxo chef a