Love and Marriage

On the iPod, "Good Lovin (feat. Miguel) By: Ludacris

One of my good friends is right in the middle of a crossroads with her boyfriend... trying to see if there is something there to build a future with or if there are too many issues to go forward. Her latest text to me said something like, "I'm aware I'm ridiculous..." With an attached picture of her text with said boyfriend explaining that they are going to give it another go... 

It made me sit back and think of the many crossroads Mike and I have come to in our relationship and marriage. Saturday will mark our 6th wedding anniversary. But the journey started long ago, actually 16 years and 4 months ago yesterday... I have grown up with him... We are actually coming close to a time when we have been together more years than we haven't.  I would be lying to you if I said that it has been even close to perfect. Honestly, Mike and I have been through the ringer. 

I grew up believing that love should look like Lloyd Dobler in "Say Anything" holding a jam box over his head blasting "In Your Eyes" outside of Diane Court's bedroom window... It took me many years to realize that they also had to deal with big issues like the fact that Diane's father was going to prison for tax fraud among other things. And that his friend was a stalker who was also suicidal.  It wasn't all hot steamy sex in the back seat of a car and love songs...

Being in love and getting married means dealing with each other's families. It means learning to accept that you were raised differently and figuring out together how to raise your own kids knowing that even though you try to take the best parts of how you were both raised you will still undoubtably screw your kids up some. It means forgiving each other even when you think it might be impossible and honestly never giving up. It is going to sleep in your sons twin size bed together because you can't get your kid to sleep in there to save his life and even if you have to shove shoes under the door to lock it shut its still worth it to have the alone time together. Marriage is hard. Loving each other, qwerks and all, is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. But luckily we love each other enough to keep working at it. Our love is a living, breathing organism that really needs constant care, it is not just a piece of paper and words that we said to each other years ago. It is the words and actions that we say and do everyday. It is the way we fight and forgive. It's not easy and quite honestly if it was it would be boring. 

So I don't think my friend is being ridiculous...  I think she is being pretty damn brave. Trying to work on yourself or your relationship is the hardest, most giving thing you can do for each other and for yourself.  I have no idea if this guy is really "the one" for her, but my hope whether it is or isn't is that she comes out of it being stronger, knowing herself better, and wanting to try harder. 

Happy 6th Anniversary to my very own Lloyd Dobler... I love you so much Mike... Here's to many more years of trying... 

xoxo chef a

Support Groups AKA Playgroups

On the IPOD "Cathedrals" By: Jump Little Children

I am pulling double duty...I'm awake at 3:45 AM so I have decided to write a couple of posts. I am going to post them at different times so that you don't miss them but I would say that they will be online within 24 hours of each other so check back!

I would be lying if I said that I am completely focused on getting myself back on the track I was on BB(before baby). I do have a desire to be there again... I am just feeling a bit like I'm treading water and drowning at the same time... Even though I'm sure I was told "BB" that having a baby changes everything, I don't think I really understood that phrase. I didn't really realize that I would be actually teaching a baby how to learn, play, and survive the real world not just change diapers while trying to balance a marriage and a business. A friend of mine said at a playgroup this past week that... "The hardest thing about being a new parent is to learn how to fight for your marriage!" She couldn't be more right!

I have been in love with Mike for almost 14 years, we have survived major tragedies and wonderful celebrations but to be completely honest adjusting to a new baby is like learning how to love each other all over again. The reason I bring all of this up is because when this friend of mine made this amazing statement at playgroup I noticed that the rest of us let out this great sigh of relief. In this one moment we all realized that we were really not alone. And I realized that "playgroups" are really just another word for "support groups"! So my suggestion to all the new moms out there is to reach out to other new moms whether they are old friends or maybe you're just both in line at Buy Buy Baby because at the end of the day it might just save your marriage and your life!

It is interesting to me that having a baby also completely messes with your self image which I guess also adds to the stress of life. I really thought the hardest part was seeing my stomach grow during pregnancy but really I think its harder to deal with the aftermath. The new and unusual shape of my over pumped boobs and my lower tummy that now has a mind of its own. Lets not forget the hulk like strength I have in my arms from carrying the ridiculously heavy newborn carrier mixed with the lack of strength in my knees and back from picking up and holding Levi in odd positions all day long (you learn that even if you're completely uncomfortable...if the baby is comfortable than you just work through the pain!) So feeling the least bit sexy when everything hurts, you have spit up on your shoulder, you're extremely tired, you're moody, and not only have you been changing poopie diapers but you've also spent all day worrying about the color, texture and amount of poop makes for a very difficult challenge.

So I'm here to tell you that I've heard it gets better ;) ... So I'm going with that...I'm going to try to embrace the new "directions" (lol) my boobs point and the numbness I still have from them cutting me open to get this baby out and I'm going to do my best to wear perfume everyday to cover up the baby poop and formula smell (cause that's sexy right?) and I promise to take at least 30 minutes a day (hopefully more) to try to find myself again and I will do everything I can to fight for my marriage because I could not have picked a more wonderful man to share my life with. And it will get better....

xoxo chef a

Missing Someone...

On the IPOD "Someone to Watch Over Me" By: Renee Olstead

Holidays are a funny thing... You can try as hard as you want to make it "a different kind of special" after someone is gone, but I think most of the time it just ends up being different.

Today we spent Father's Day at my sister-in-law's house with my in-laws, who I absolutely adore, but unfortunately it just wasn't a good day for me. First of all I don't feel good, I'm tired, and I'm throwing up constantly. On top of all that joy I'm an emotional wreck...I cry at almost every commercial, I actually had a mini breakdown in a baby store over their unfortunate selection of baby furniture on Saturday and today I realized that selfishly the only person I really want to hang out with on Father's Day is my own father. I'm fully aware that next year will be different because we will have a baby and Mike will be a Dad, but as far as today is concerned...I'm over it!

I can't help but feel horribly angry and sad that my Dad is not here... And I still can't believe that he will never really know his grandchild and that he is not here to remind me after a bad day that everything will be okay. I wish I could say that just being with Mike's dad was enough, but it wasn't. I thought about how weird it is that both my brothers and my mom are off doing others things with other people all with the constant reminder that just two years ago this day was so different. Not a sad day but a day to celebrate our Dad.

Maybe I would feel different about it if I was older or my dad had been older when he died, but because I wasn't and he wasn't, it sort of still feels like he was stolen from my life. I actually thought in my head today will there ever be a happy new occasion that isn't sort of stained by the fact that he is not here to share it with us... I'm pretty sure that the answer is no and I guess I'm okay with that because I would rather it be a little sad and be able to remember him than to just forget and move on.

I do hope that all of the father's out there had a wonderful day and to all of you in my position I hope you were able to remember all of the special things that made your dad the best dad in the world!

xoxo chef a

Fields of Gold

On the IPOD "Fields of Gold" by: Eva Cassidy

It feels like I've been waiting forever to use this song, but here it is... One year ago today I said I do to the most incredible man I know and this is the song that I picked to walk down the isle to. To be honest the song was picked way before we were even engaged! The lyrics say it all:

"I never made promises lightly,
and there have been some I've broken
But I swear in the days still left,
We'll walk in fields of gold"

I can only hope that every year is like this past year... Full of excitement, love, and growth. I don't think I would have been able to take this blog journey without all of the support and encouragement from Mike. As cliche as it sounds, he completes me.

We started celebrating on Saturday night with an unbelievable dinner at Five-Sixty by Wolfgang Puck in Reunion Tower Downtown. It was phenomenal!

First Course:
Hamachi and Tuna Sashimi, Daikon Kaiware Salad, Sticky Rice, Yuzu Ponzu
Sauteed Crabcakes, Red Thai Vinaigrette, Mango-Cucumber Relish

Second Course:
Beef Filet "Au Poive" Snow Pea, Wild Mushrooms, Smoked Shallot Sauce
Wok Fried Whole Sea Bass, Ginger, Ponzu and Thai Chili Sauce

Dessert: Fuji Apple Crumble a la mode

After dinner we met some of our best friends for a drinks and then headed home. Such a good night!

This morning I let Mike sleep in and I went to have birthday breakfast with my favorite two year old Asher. We had a blast, there is nothing like seeing a 2 year old on a sugar high!

After breakfast, I came back home and Mike and I spent the day relaxing, well with one trip to the furniture store (geez we're so married lol!)

We went for a quick low key dinner and managed to get back in time for The American Country Music Awards... I love me some music awards shows :)

So last year I went to a lot of trouble vacuum sealing the top of our wedding cake. For a year it has looked perfect, completely air tight and ready to just be defrosted. Well here was the day, I let it thaw in the fridge over night and even though our bakery provided us a new cake (which we got in the grooms cake flavor since neither of us got to have a piece at the wedding!) I still insisted that we both take a bite of the original to insure some good luck. Well let me assure you that it doesn't seem to matter if it is just frozen in plastic wrap or vacuum sealed, year old cake is just gross!!!

Now it's Monday morning and it's off to work once again...

Happy Anniversary Mike! I love you with all of my heart!

xoxo chef a

L-O-V-E

On the IPOD "Keep Breathing" by: Ingrid Michaelson

First off I have to tell you that I just took the most amazing Nia class called "Soundings". The music is like an opera, it tells the story of a warrior who goes off to war and then once the war is over he has to figure out who he really is... It is interesting to me that this happened to be the routine we did on a day that I was already so introspective about my own journey...

I want to talk with you about love! What does it mean to say that you love someone...I wish that there were a million other words to describe types of love but unfortunately there is only one real word that describes whatever love is supposed to mean. I hope I'm not rambling...

Is it possible to love someone if you don't love yourself?

For years while I was just dating Mike I thought we were in love...we lived with each other and had a life together, but looking back it wasn't real love. It was a sort of toxic love...each of us taking a turn hurting each other and then loving each other. Most likely if we had married then we would surely be divorced today. I cant speak for him but I know that for myself there is no way that I could have possibly loved him when I was so unhappy with myself. I would say that we truly fell in love with each other about a year and a half ago. I was slowly recovering from the death of my father and we went to see a therapist to see if there was something worth saving...

Our therapy sessions ended when we were at a crossroads... Pretty much the therapist asked, "What are you looking for in this relationship?" We had all the wrong answers and we left the session thinking that our relationship was over. There were tears and hurt feeling and fear for what the future held. But something happened on the drive home, I let go ... I let go of my incessant need to control the situation. I let go of my fear of abandonment. I let go my constant worry that he didn't love me for me and I decided that whether he loved me or not I was going to try to love myself. I slowly realized that I was worth something and I gave myself permission to be loved. And then all of the sudden nothing on the list of what I was looking for compared to my desire to share my life with him...rich or poor, kids or no kids, house or no house...

Over the last year I have realized that eveything I thought about love was just Hollywood. I have learned that real love is not about presents and romantic get aways (although those do help!) It is really about helping each other become the best version of yourself. I know now that love is selfless. And although it is hardwork and can even be painful at times there is not a minute in my life that I question my choice.

So I guess my question to you is what does love mean to you and are you really allowing yourself to be loved?

xoxo chef a