The Last Day

On the iPod "The Sun is Rising" by: Britt Nicole

As I sit here at 10:15pm the night before the last day of school... I am a bit of a mess. I really didn't expect to be, but alas here I am a super anxious, worried, over-analyzing ball of energy. And to think last week I thought it was so crazy that my 4 year old was/is having concerns over the school year being over and the fact that someone is about to "move his cheese." I have no idea where he gets that from... But I digress...

Maybe it's the fact that time is flying by so fast or the uncertainty of what the next year will bring but to be honest it feels a little bit like the last day of summer camp. We are about to have the last friendship circle and as we burst into tears about leaving this place that we called home for the last month it strikes us that the reason we are crying is because we realize that we will never get this moment back... It will never be the same...

Today as I picked Levi up from what was his last full day in the 3s it was two fold... I looked at him and I saw the anxiety in his eyes. "Only one more day..." he told me as he hugged me hello... "I know, sweet boy" were the only words I could muster to say. In my heart, I know that he is ready to move forward, but as I watched him on the playground today it struck me... Which, if any, of these friends have become an "it" person for him? Am I doing my job to support the friendships he has made this year? Will he come back in the fall and be able to pick up where they left off? Will I? What about my mommy "it" friends? Is this the beginning of a lifetime friendship or will we gently go back to our "new regular" life this summer and this will be that year we were really close? So many unanswered questions... 

I've been actually feeling this anxious pull about the school year ending for awhile now. It's funny how life works, just when you feel like you are getting in your groove, life changes... Don't get me wrong, we are going to have a blast this summer. I will not miss Levi's ever present runny nose or the argument over school year bedtimes. But I will miss this moment in time... This is the last of the baby years. Whether any of us agree with it or not in PreK shit gets real...

When I discussed my concerns and fears with my resident advisor ie: my therapist :)

She reminded me that my feelings are all valid and pretty normal especially for a girl who has never been big on change. She told me to do something that at the time seemed crazy to me... She said to say my piece...If you don't want to see a friendship end... Be honest, tell the friend. If it's hard for you to say it... Find a song, Write it...

And she is right, well she is always right... 

I am a believer of true friendship. I pride myself on having real friendships that lack bullshit. I am straightforward, honest to a fault, an absolute overgiver, and despite my seemingly confident personality, inside there is a girl who is nervous about everything lol. But tomorrow as we leave Levi's school as a Prek student and as a veteran preschool mommy we will have said our piece... I will use this day to teach my 4 year old how to make sure that the people who have touched our lives over the last 9 months, know that they mean something to us. That their friendship has actually changed our life... And we are thankful for that... I will not worry if he sees me shed a tear over this year being over because I want him to know how very lucky we are to feel like our experience has been so great that there is actually something to miss... Many people aren't lucky enough to care...

Something tells me that the book "Who moved my cheese?" will become a staple in this house, but I'm really ok with that... I'm so lucky to have this sweet sensitive little boy who lights up my life and reminds me everyday what's really important.

Xoxo chef a

The Inner Loop

On the iPod "Georgia" by: Vance Joy

I'm well aware that only half of you will do this but go now and pull up this song on whatever you use... "YouTube" "Spotify" "iTunes" whatever. Hold the bottom speaker of your phone to your ear... (Careful that's it's not turned all the way up, but just loud enough that you feel like you are the only one in the room) now close your eyes and hit play... Haunting right? I love a song set in a minor key...

It's funny... Levi told me tonight that he loves to watch me listen to music... Man I love this kid. I mean if he only knew that this is mommy's escape but whatever... he gives himself time outs so to each their own! 

Today has been a rough day for me and although I'm not going to bore you all with the details I will say that my mom not being in town today and luca's decision to drop a nap last week and my own personal difficulty with schedule changes probably didn't help the day to begin with... Anyhow, it is what it is, all that really matters is that I have 364 days in the year to celebrate being a mommy even if today didn't go as planned! But just for fun I will tell you a little story that will make you laugh...

So some background info...you might not guess this considering I write a very personal, very public blog... But I'm actually quite a private person. I have a handful of friends that are in the inside loop and in my "old age" I have become very picky with who I open up to.  I would admit that I'm a giver, a listener, and a helper to the many and outside of the inside loop, I come across as very confident, strong willed, and even some might say intimidating (it's a chef thing), but to those few who are inside the loop they know that every once in awhile...I lose it... Like really lose it... I'm a silent, can't catch my breath or speak crier and I'm TERRIBLE at asking for help. 

So today when one of my inside loop girls called me it was just the perfect storm... The exact right time when everything was falling apart and her response was simply perfect... In her sarcastic tone she said, "Man I thought you were going to make me feel all jealous with how perfect your Mother's Day was going..." And to that we both laughed... She then insisted that after we put our kids to bed we escape to the foot massage place... I mean who could say no to that! 

Anyways we get to the "parlor" at 8:30 for our $50- 90 minute "religious experience" and yes I'm referring to it as an experience because well we've been around the block with foot massage places and this one happens to be the best. Don't get me wrong this isn't like a "happy ending" kind of place... Well at least we didn't think so! So anyways here we are in a room full of others trying to escape as well and everything seems just perfect... My phone dies 5 minutes in which was kind of incredible because I tend to sometimes work on my phone during the massage... I know, I know. Anyways so the two of us at this point are laying on our backs with a towel over our eyes. And then it happens... I start hearing moans... Not just normal moans but like Manly moans... The kind that make you blush... So of course I rip that towel off my eyes and turn to my friend who is just lying there not even flenching! I continue just trying to ignore it but the scene from "When Harry Met Sally" is playing in my head and I'm starting to get the giggles and have an incredible desire to scream out, "I'll have what he's having!" Even my massage therapist is starting to giggle at this point!  And I'm starting to think, "I can't believe she is sleeping through this!!!" So as soon as our therapists leave then room to get the hot steamy towels to wipe the lotion off our legs. Tasha's eye mask rips off and she jumps up to an, "OMG, Gross!!" And I just bust out laughing!! We manage to compose ourselves before we out ourselves as the immature adolescents that we obviously are! They proceed to turn us over on our stomachs to work on our necks and backs... Before I know it my tank top is around my waist and anyone walking through the room is getting an eye full of side boob and all I can think is that the next person that walks through is going to say..."Amanda? Is that you?" And then I'm going to have to explain why I'm in a party room with half naked people while the gentleman to my rear is having a full on orgasm... Whatever, they are there for the same reason so what do I care right? Lol!   Actually by the end of the massage while I had a lovely Asian girl sitting on my naked ass crack gently moving my rib bones around I didn't even notice the moaning anymore... Ya right! Lol. So as the two of us laughed our way out the the "foot massage" place, I realized that this was really what it all is about... Having friends that know that sometimes all you need is a good giggle...

So to you ladies who are in my inner loop and who all actually oddly enough checked in with me yesterday of all days... Must have been told in the cosmos to you that it was a rough day but anyways thanks... Thanks for checking on your strong willed friend who always seems to have it together even though you and I both know better! Lol

xoxo chef a

The Letter

On the iPod "Forever Young" By: Alphaville

Oh my... I have so much to write... Do you ever have those times when you have about a million ideas/thoughts running through your head but just not enough time to focus on them?  

Well anyways my next post will be about Nia or Sunday supper clubs but tonight I'm writing a blog to a good friend, who happens to be going through something that is near and dear to my heart... Losing a baby...

Dear love-

When I received your text today telling me how sorry you were for not being able to be there for me when I lost the babies like I am for you now it made me sad that you have to know that... Mainly because it is very hard, even sort of impossible, for someone who has never lost a baby to truly understand what it is to lose a baby and I hate that now you know. 

You are dealing with unfortunate comments like... 

"Well you didn't want an unhealthy baby, right?"

"It's G-d's way."

"So next time... Maybe it's best to not tell everyone so early..."

"You got pregnant so fast. It will happen again, at least you know you can get pregnant!"

Blah... blah... blah... 

You lost a baby... You didn't miss carry it... You didn't do anything to make it happen... 

And even if the baby wasn't healthy it really doesn't change the fact that you are heartbroken and if you could just sleep until you are pregnant again you would.  I'm going to guess that your main concern is not deciding when you will tell everyone the next time. And if this is G-d's way then I'm pretty sure you aren't a big fan right now...

You don't need me to tell you that you will survive this because honestly you've seen me do it and deep down you already know you will.  I've been pregnant 5 times and I have two beautiful boys...But I also can still remember every due date... And I can remember everything about the days that the pregnancies ended both the births and the D&Cs. I wish I could tell you that they fade into distant memory but they don't...

You are most likely mad at your body for not being able to perform the way we were always taught it would... You are sort of annoyed that the world is just going on... You will feel like you are staring at every pregnant person and also feel like they think that you are some sort of pregnant imposter... You will meet the odd woman who lost a baby but acts like it was no big deal and she just moved on... She is lying... If not to you, then to herself for sure! You will feel like your friends with babies are hiding from you, even if they are not. And you will undoubtedly feel like you have let the closest people around you down, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. 

So now you are one of us...like it or not.  And you get to be the most amazing friend to the next member. You get to tell her your story. You get to be there for her like not many friends can be. And you will show her how you survived just like she will. 

I hope that you will take the grieving process to heart and embrace every part of it because it is a gift that not everyone takes. I know you know that I am here for you now and forever. 

Love,
 me

xoxo chef a

Support Groups AKA Playgroups

On the IPOD "Cathedrals" By: Jump Little Children

I am pulling double duty...I'm awake at 3:45 AM so I have decided to write a couple of posts. I am going to post them at different times so that you don't miss them but I would say that they will be online within 24 hours of each other so check back!

I would be lying if I said that I am completely focused on getting myself back on the track I was on BB(before baby). I do have a desire to be there again... I am just feeling a bit like I'm treading water and drowning at the same time... Even though I'm sure I was told "BB" that having a baby changes everything, I don't think I really understood that phrase. I didn't really realize that I would be actually teaching a baby how to learn, play, and survive the real world not just change diapers while trying to balance a marriage and a business. A friend of mine said at a playgroup this past week that... "The hardest thing about being a new parent is to learn how to fight for your marriage!" She couldn't be more right!

I have been in love with Mike for almost 14 years, we have survived major tragedies and wonderful celebrations but to be completely honest adjusting to a new baby is like learning how to love each other all over again. The reason I bring all of this up is because when this friend of mine made this amazing statement at playgroup I noticed that the rest of us let out this great sigh of relief. In this one moment we all realized that we were really not alone. And I realized that "playgroups" are really just another word for "support groups"! So my suggestion to all the new moms out there is to reach out to other new moms whether they are old friends or maybe you're just both in line at Buy Buy Baby because at the end of the day it might just save your marriage and your life!

It is interesting to me that having a baby also completely messes with your self image which I guess also adds to the stress of life. I really thought the hardest part was seeing my stomach grow during pregnancy but really I think its harder to deal with the aftermath. The new and unusual shape of my over pumped boobs and my lower tummy that now has a mind of its own. Lets not forget the hulk like strength I have in my arms from carrying the ridiculously heavy newborn carrier mixed with the lack of strength in my knees and back from picking up and holding Levi in odd positions all day long (you learn that even if you're completely uncomfortable...if the baby is comfortable than you just work through the pain!) So feeling the least bit sexy when everything hurts, you have spit up on your shoulder, you're extremely tired, you're moody, and not only have you been changing poopie diapers but you've also spent all day worrying about the color, texture and amount of poop makes for a very difficult challenge.

So I'm here to tell you that I've heard it gets better ;) ... So I'm going with that...I'm going to try to embrace the new "directions" (lol) my boobs point and the numbness I still have from them cutting me open to get this baby out and I'm going to do my best to wear perfume everyday to cover up the baby poop and formula smell (cause that's sexy right?) and I promise to take at least 30 minutes a day (hopefully more) to try to find myself again and I will do everything I can to fight for my marriage because I could not have picked a more wonderful man to share my life with. And it will get better....

xoxo chef a

"Breathe in Hope, Breathe out Love"

On the IPOD "Clementine" By: Sarah Jaffe

I have been wrestling with writing about this... because honestly it's not my story...but there are bits and pieces of it that I think are so important that I'm going to stray from my normal topics and set down what now is to be my next post entitled "Levi's Favorite Things (a guide to what has worked for my kid)"

A little less than a week ago my facebook page was blown up with old friends stating only "Breathe In Hope, Breathe Out Love" as their status. It is the mantra of an amazing guy I went to high school with and who happened to date a very good friend of mine for a short time. I have known for about a year that he has been fighting cancer although I was not only unaware of how bad it really was but I was also unaware that he was chronicling his fight for life in a blog. Funny that I spend a ridiculous amount of time on here but have never seen it...makes you really realize how many blogs are out there...

Anyways I searched for his blog and found it quite easily. As I read the latest post my heart sank...

"I'm not sure if this is my last posting but if it is I want to thank everyone whom has helped me along the way, everyone whom has become inspired to make a difference, and everyone whom has changed their own lives to better take advantage of life's little opportunities and tiny miracles. It's not a goodbye but more of a see you later. It's truly been and honor and privilege"

I have know cancer, we are not friends, but I have never encountered the type of fight and determination that Jeff had to fight it. My Dad might have fought it in his own way but it was definitely much quieter... Maybe its a generational thing, but looking back it seems as if my dad gave his cancer to the doctors to fix instead of really taking the bull by the horns, they said jump and he jumped. But I guess people are just different...

Jeff was 30, had been married less than two years, was just really getting into the stride of his life and poof what at first was thought to be a sports injury quickly turned into the fight of his life.

After I read Jeff's blog I felt the need to leave a comment,

"Jeff- We have never run in the same circle although we went to school together and therefore have many overlapping rings. But I felt the need to tell you how your blog has changed my life... Over the last year I have heard about your fight although nothing led me here until yesterday afternoon when I saw the remarkable amount of posts from Facebook friends just stating "breathe in hope, breathe out love." ... As I sat on the couch with my almost 5 month old son Levi right next to me I read from beginning to end the tales of your courageous fight... I held Levi's tiny hand the entire time sometimes holding tighter.... I have to admit at times my mind raced back and forth between feeling for you, for Autumn, for your parents... I questioned my role as a mother, as a wife, and at times as a friend. In less than 24 hours you have made me want to fight for each day of my life... You have made me want to live a better life.... be a better wife, to be a better mother, to be a better daughter, to love harder than I ever thought possible. Thank you for letting me in... Thank you for fighting with passion and dignity. And most of all thank you for your courageous vulnerability. My love to you and everyone in your circle.
Breathe in hope, breathe out love!
Amanda"

Jeff's fight is the most perfect example of taking responsibility for what life throws at you. I beg of you to read it...it will most definitely change your life...

Jeff lost his fight on Monday night, just two short days after what ended up being his final post. My heart goes out to his family and friends as they celebrate his life today.

You can find Jeff's blog at www.jeffsfightwithcancer.blogspot.com

"Breathe in Hope, Breathe out love"

xoxo chef a

My Circle

On the IPOD "Gangsta's Paradise" By: Coolio (By the way this musical choice has nothing to do with the topic of this post it just happens to be what I wanted to listen to!)

So I've been a little bit overwhelmed lately... On the plus side business is great on the minus side I'm so busy I cant really reach the surface. In a way, I feel like I'm drowning... I worked all weekend only taking a break to visit a preschool open house and yes I have become one of those parents who puts their newborn on preschool waiting lists. I'm not necessarily proud of it, but to tell you the truth a $20,000 a year elementary school is not an option for us so I feel that if I can give my kid the best preschool experience out there maybe in the end he will still be accepted to the best trade school around! Only kidding, I know he will be fine either way but I'm still hoping that I become a millionaire before he turns 5, so it will all work out! lol! When I say I feel like I'm drowning I mean it in the best possible way... I love being a mom and I love working but doing both is much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. The good thing is that I'm going to therapy tomorrow and the focus of my session will be how to organize my life so that I can blog everyday, because blogging has changed everything about my life and I miss it! It clears my head and my heart! Lately I have been trying to write at 4:30 am and it's not working for me...I've ended up with 8 posts beginning with, "Well I've been a little overwhelmed..." So something has got to give...

I wanted to write about this a couple of weeks ago but it just fell through the cracks...

I went to dinner with a good friend a couple of weeks ago... She happens to be one of those people in my life that I just click with... We don't talk everyday or even see each other once a week, but the times we do hang out are epic. In our 2 hour dinner we discussed everything...our work, our futures and pasts, babies, and of course men. My friendship with her is extremely easy (I hope she would say the same.) We have known each other a very long time but our friendship is still relatively new in the broad scheme of things. Somehow our histories are sort of parallel so it feels like we've been friends forever. Our friendship lacks judgements, is heavy on honesty, and doesn't have alot of expectations except to be present when we do get to hang out. The best thing about her is that she makes me want to be a better friend.

I am so lucky for her friendship as well as all the amazing friendships that I am blessed with in my life. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life I forget to tell all of the wonderful people around me that I would truly be lost without you. Each of you, in your own individual way, make my life better. And whether at any moment in time I am strictly there for you or you are here for me, your place in my circle means the world to me.

I hope that those of you who are reading this are lucky enough to have circles, whether big or small, that are full of people who make you want to be a better you!

xoxo chef a

Our Responsibility

On the IPOD "The House That Built Me" By: Miranda Lambert

So first of all I have to tell you about this amazing ice cream I found...it's not low fat, low sugar, or low calorie, but it happens to be completely worth it! It's Blue Bell "Spiced Pumpkin Pecan!" I happen to be a pumpkin fan but even if you don't think its your thing... could anything be better than creamy pumpkin ice cream with sugared spiced pecans and a ribbon of caramel. All I'm saying is we will definitely be having a Spiced Pumpkin Pecan ice cream cake for thanksgiving this year!

On a more serious note....

Although I don't normally talk about current events I am going to discuss why Demi Lovato is in a treatment center. I don't know all of the details of her personal story obviously... But I do know what it feels like to be bullied growing up and not in a beat you up after science class kind of way. It was more of a say such hurtful things to you it makes you hate yourself from the inside kind of way. I think I would have rather just been taken out on the playground...

I have gone into detail about growing up as a chubby kid and being tormented by other girls. I have also discussed refusing to go to school for almost an entire year because of it. I feel lucky that I was personally strong enough to never hurt myself in a physical way but I can definitely see how easy it would have been to go in the other direction.

Our country is facing a horrible truth... Unfortunately the society image we are teaching our children through our own actions and those portrayed on television and in the movies is finally catching up with us. As much as we are worried about health insurance and taxes we should be forced to worry about what is happening in our schools as the suicide rate climbs and climbs and the ages get younger and younger.

At what point will we take responsibility for creating hate??

I honestly don't know the answers to how to fix this but I do know that it needs to be addressed because it would be a real shame if we end up with a generation of kids who can play every sport, two musical instruments, and get accepted into all the best colleges but who are so stressed out and unhappy that they end up not being able to function in the real world! Maybe our priorities need to shift a bit...

I hope the mothers and fathers out there really hear this blog today because I think that the emotional safety of your children lies in your hands... We have to teach our kids how to stand up to the bullying, how to treat their peers with respect and love and more than anything we need to make sure that self confidence is built at home where our children should feel loved and supported no matter what their strengths and weaknesses are because not every kid is going to be a star football player or dancer. And not every kid is going to be a straight A student and most of all not every kid is going to look the way you hoped they would. They might not be skinny or they might be too skinny, you might not like the clothes they pick out and they might not be popular... But fortunately school is very small portion of a persons entire life and our goal as parents should be to help our kids love themselves as much as possible so that they can grow up and do great things for this world!

Xoxo chef a

A Special Place

On the IPOD "The Scientist" By: Coldplay

Well what I thought were just allergies turned into a body aching, itchy eyes, sneezing fits kind of cold and to say that I'm over it is an understatement! The unfortunate thing is that I missed the Movestudio Anniversary event last night...

I decided to talk a little bit about how Movestudio helped me to change my life.
For years I drove by this dance studio close to my moms house...every once in a while I looked up the schedule and talked myself out of actually showing up to a class with excuses like; I don't have the right clothes, I'll never be able to keep up, I'll be too embarrassed. But a year ago that all changed... I decided to face my weight problems head on through this blog and without thinking twice I joined my mom for a chair yoga class. From the moment I walked in I felt extremely comfortable. That first class was really geared more towards my mom's age group, but not only did I feel great for actually getting through the hour class but I ended up with a funny tale to tell from the experience. When I left that day I decided to just dive right in and try more classes.

The next day I showed up for Jule's Nia class... I stood in the back row on the right side and had no idea what I was doing but I fell in love with being there. As the weeks went on I came back more and more and finally found my spot in the back row but on the other side of the room. The most amazing thing happened... I built relationships with the other dancers. They eventually became followers of my blog and more importantly became advocates in my life. They have made it possible for me to be strong in moments of weakness and to be present in the class when it felt like I was failing in the outside world. Being in Nia class gave me the strength to to try other classes like Zumba and eventually the Zensual classes which in the darkest moments of infertility helped me to feel like a woman even when it felt impossible. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel like Movestudio has changed my life. It has not been all perfect, there are times when I dance in the wrong direction and even a moment when I fell to the floor in 7 inch platforms. But it made me realize that I would rather try something and have an embarrassing funny story to tell then to not have tried it at all...

In the last year I have lost 60 pounds, I have been through a grueling round of infertility, I have become a dancer, I have gained unmeasurable amounts of self esteem, and I am now 6 1/2 months pregnant with a baby boy! Although this pregnancy has been a tad bit difficult and I have missed more classes than I have wanted to. I know that my place remains. Knowing that my Nia girls and boys are waiting patiently for my return makes each pound I gain a little less painful. And knowing that I will be bringing my son up around such amazing and supportive friends makes Movestudio hold a very special place in my heart. I hope that those of you reading this blog are lucky enough to find a place like Movestudio, a place that helps you to change your life from the inside out.

To another 10 years...

xoxo chef a

Credit Cards and Mommy Friends

On the IPOD "Straighten Up And Fly Right" By: Natalie Cole

Yesterday could have possibly been the worst day...it really started the night before.

On Monday we went to Buy Buy Baby to pick up the stroller I decided on and I was thrilled when I took it out of the box and took it for a spin, but then when it came to closing it up and then unloading it at my house let's just say it was a shame nobody was filming me. There were wheels going in every direction and handles hitting the floor and after a really frustrating walk into the building I was ready to take the stroller back. So I had a tiny emotional breakdown and then went to bed.

I knew going into Tuesday that it was going to be a hard day... I had two clients with extremely big menus and one of them has possibly the hardest kitchen floor ever invented! When I got to the first grocery store I rushed through to pick up all the items I needed only to find at the checkout line that I had lost my credit card... Luckily I had a check book, but it didn't take care of that sinking feeling of not having the card. As soon as I left the store I started calling Mike and my Mom to search for the card, Of course nobody could find it. I spent a good solid hour calling every store I had been to the day before, but didn't have any luck. By 9 am the card was cancelled and they were over nighting me a new one...

The first house I cooked at had 6 kids and 3 nannies in total playing within 20 feet of the kitchen. Between lunch and literally 8 snack times I have to admit that I questioned my ability to handle motherhood at least twice. By two o'clock my feet looked more like little sausages and less like feet... But I kept on to the next house... By 5:30 pm I was just wrapping everything up... It could not have been a longer day.

After realizing that there was no way I was going to make it to Nia, I decided to call my friend Lauren to see if I could bring the new stroller by to get her opinion... If there is anything I have learned from this experience it is that you should keep a mommy friend in your back pocket at all times... She showed me all kinds of good things about it that I couldn't even see because I was so overwhelmed with the mechanics. By the time I left I felt confident that the stroller was indeed for me. I think in general all strollers have their issues and with use most of them are fine it just might take a little time to get adjusted to them... Now I'm super excited about my stroller and I cant wait to get to use it!

Anyways to make a long story a little shorter...I ended up finding the card although it was useless since I had cancelled it... Oh well at least some creep doesn't have it. I had a feeling I would find it but you just can't take any chances. Oh well, thank goodness today is a new day!

xoxo chef a

A Mile High

On the IPOD "Everybody" By: Ingrid Michaelson

So before I get to the conference discussion, Yesterday we had our monthly appointment at the OB and once again this kid is killing me! Still breech legs crossed at the knees and no clear view of any girl or boy parts. It's almost a joke at this point, I moved around, we tried every angle, every pose but nothing except a healthy, stubborn, baby who was squirming around in there. I have planned another quick visit at the end of the month to try one more time before giving up and just taking the blood test!

So the highlights of the conference were of course being with close chef friends who I talk to throughout the year but hardly ever get to see, our Friday night tasting dinner at "TAG" in Denver, Saturday night at "Marco's Coal Fire Pizzeria", and then to top it off lunch with my camp friend Amy on Sunday.

The conference it self was great! My class went incredibly well and the room was packed. And the classes I attended were all so interesting and informative, but I would be lying if I didnt say that I really go for the food and friends.

My friend Annise had set up a tasting menu at a local restaurant TAG. I would describe it as upscale fusion food meant for sharing, a think the chef's description is actually continental social food but whatever. So anyways the chef had set up a tasting menu for us but unfortunately for us he had another engagement and wouldn't be in the restaurant. The unforunate lesson that we all learned is that when the cat's away the mice will play. The food was great with the exception of one dessert the wasn't made properly (we knew this because on Saturaday the same chef did a demo at conference and the dessert tasted incredibly better the second go around) but the service was an entirely different situation... our server was terrible...he was flirting with a couple of regulars at the bar and at one point when one of the chef's at my table asked what was in one of the dishes his responce was, "I don't know I just bring the food to the table!" UM WRONG ANSWER! Anyways the evening ended with us taking a peditaxi back to the hotel with a driver who could have a day job as a plumber with the crack he was sporting! It at least gave us all a good laugh.

Saturday dinner was incredible! Pizza is my thing and I can say that the last time I had pizza this good was at Joe's Pizza in the village in New York. The owner ships in most of his ingredients from Italy and the pizza is cooked in an old coal fire oven! OMG it was just what the baby wanted! The server was great and happy to be there for a change and the casual company of friends made the night unforgetable!

On Sunday morning I slept in a little bit and then headed to my last class, packed up and said my goodbyes to the chefs! My camp friend Amy Ladin picked me up from the hotel and took me to what is going to be her new neighborhood in Denver. We grabbed some salads and then walked up and down the neigborhood farmers market. I tried to buy some baby stuff but without knowing the sex it made it just too hard! I had a wonderful time catching up and talking about our futures and before I knew it it was time to head back to the hotel for my shuttle pick up.

Well after waiting an hour for Big Sky Shuttles to pick me up...the group of us waiting caught another shuttle and thank goodness made it to the airport in time for my flight. Believe me they got an earfull and I cancelled the credit card charge for the round trip ticket! I don't play around! I really don't think they cared which made me even more angry.

All in all it was a great memorable trip!

xoxo chef a

The Birthday Wish

On the IPOD "It Doesn't Hurt" By: Katie Thompson (this girl has an unbelievable voice so worth checking out!)

I really had one of the most amazing birthdays this year...after having a wonderful weekend celebrating with my husband and family, and then having another celebration at Nia on Tuesday, I was sort of perplexed as to what to do on Wednesday (the real day.) After close friends started calling me and asking what the plans were I decided to ask a small group of my oldest girl friends, who have truly been an inspiration to my life this year, to join me for dinner at Kobe Steaks, a Japanese Hibachi style restaurant.

As it got closer to Wednesday I really started to realize what an amazing year it has truly been. Although at times I feel like I have only scratched the surface of my food issues, when I really look back at the steps that I have made to change my life and the honesty in which I've gone about it, I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself. I never thought I would ever be able to let the world in to this internal battle that I have faced alone since the age of about nine. And I really never could have believed that my insecurities would become a topic of daily conversation. But yet here I am starring into a computer screen excited about what the next year will unfold.

The minute I blew out my first birthday candle this year I realized how much things have truly changed... It was the first birthday wish that didn't start out, "Please just let me be skinny by next year!" For the first time ever I knew that I didn't need a wish or prayer to get me where I want to be, because I finally trust myself that I'm fully on board to changing my life. I'm not looking for a quick fix or a miracle cure but instead I'm looking for a new path. I have learned that the most important piece of that puzzle is to surround myself with positive friends and to limit my time with those who are not behind me. I have left the pity party that has been stifling my life and have gained the control that I never even knew I wanted.

Even though I have said it before, I will say it again... this journey has been blessed with your support and guidance and I hope that you will continue to follow me on this incredible path.

xoxo chef a

Camp Days

On the IPOD "California Girls" By: Katy Perry

So this weekend was amazing! We left Dallas on Friday night after work and got to Waco at about 11:30. My Israel trip "Garin Greene" all had met at a local bar and we were the last to arrive. There is truly nothing better than seeing faces that changed your life. Some I have not seen in 15 years, but I can honestly say that we just picked up where we had left off. There was no fakeness or power struggle, it was just old friends hanging out and talking about their lives. After about an hour at the bar we moved to the hotel and everyone came to hang out in our room. We talked and laughed till 3 in the morning!

The next morning a group of us met for breakfast at IHOP. This might have been my favorite part of the trip, we were loud and funny and real. We gave updates from friends who weren't able to get to camp. Not much has really changed except that we all grew up and most have real jobs now, some are married, some are divorced, some are still looking... a few have kids, a few are pregnant, and some are still growing up themselves. We had at least a 10 minutes discussion about the "Shake Weight" that included demonstrations. We talked about our Israel trip and who we hooked up with. We touched on politics and the real world. And we promised to meet as much as possible! At the end of breakfast we lost a couple, who had to get back and we said our goodbyes and headed to camp.

Not much has changed in Bruceville, Texas. There hasn't been any massive growth, the houses look older but pretty much the same. Camp on the other hand has changed. There are new buildings and a new courtyard, what we used to call the shortcut, which was a steep valley through the middle of camp that was covered in loose rocks and I'm sure sent a few to the infirmary, is now paved and much less steep. There is a new zip line and new lake activities and there is even a zoo! I ran around with everyone about half of the day and then I retired to the arts and crafts room to make lanyards while my husband, along with the rest of the group, went to canoe, which let me assure you was completely fine. We ate dinner and had song session and by that point I was exhausted and although I didn't want to leave everyone and I definitely didn't want to leave camp, I knew we had a long drive home. So we hugged and said our goodbyes and walked to the car while my all time favorite camp song was playing in the background. It was the perfect day!

Of course yesterday I was beat, I think I slept most of the day and only really got up to go over to my friend Amy's house for one final hang out with her and her sister Debbie, who had come in town for the reunion.

It is amazing how much one place changed my life...It is also incredible to have such a strong group of friends who are able to just pick up where they have left off. No explenations, no hard feeling, no harsh expectations, just true friendship that has lasted more than half of our lives. I hope that my kids will be able to have the opportunity to spend their summers at this amazing place in the middle of Texas. And I hope to be back in 5 years so that my four year old can experience it for the first of many times.

To all of my camp friends who have changed my life forever, there is really no way to thank you for the impact you have had in my life other than just to say that I would not be the person I am today without your friendship and I never could have asked for a better group of friends.

xoxo chef a

The claws are coming out!

On the IPOD "Straighten Up and Fly Right" by: Natalie Cole

Getting married and having a baby are two of the times in a woman's life that she will unfortunately see the claws come out. It shouldn't be that way but sometimes it just is. I think in general it is in our DNA to be slightly jealous when a friend or family member that is close to our own age is going through either of these life changing events.

During the last 3 weeks I have noticed slight changes in my friendships. I have some friends that are thrilled and excited about every part of it, some who might be a little jealous but have been incredible especially knowing my past experiences while pregnant, and then others who I'm pretty sure have fallen off the face of the earth, if I do hear from them it is far and few between and they usually call to discuss their own drama.

I do understand it, kind of. I mean it's difficult when you see your friends going through a new stage in their life. And maybe it's something you want... I mean my take on it would be different...but I'm trying to respect their boundaries. When my friends got married before me, I wanted to be as involved as possible. When they had babies I have been there for every milestone they've reached. I'm not saying I was never jealous, but the fact is that it is more exciting for me to be involved than to walk away from it. I do know what it feels like to want something so badly that you would go to any means necessary to get it, but I wouldn't turn away my allies in the process.

The good thing is that all of this cattiness is not phasing me! I've got my eyes on the prize and I'm trying to enjoy every part of it, minus the "cookie tossing."

Hopefully at some point during the next 7 months, the girls who are having the issues will come around. We will see...lucky for them they have this blog that allows them to be totally part of it without letting me know that they actually care... So if you are reading this remember that it is really only worth it to be jealous of me if you have been with someone for almost 13 years and you are still not married or pregnant because then you would be in a worse predicament than I was just a year ago!! So if that's the case hate away...otherwise just remember that you are on an incredible journey and when you get there you will look back just as I do today and say, "Ok, that was worth it!

xoxo chef a

Missing Nia...

On the IPOD "All that Jazz" by: Various Artists (Chicago- The Musical)

Oh, how I miss Nia... I have been taking Nia classes since September and it has changed my life. I never though in a million years that I would actually find a workout class that I can't stand to be away from. But when my doctor said at the last visit that considering my past pregnancy history he felt that it would be better to not dance until we can get a better look at the baby (to be reassuring to everyone we have seen a heartbeat and everything is in the right place...)in a couple of weeks, I agreed to sacrifice! :)

I miss every part of it though: the music, the moves, but most importantly I miss the people. I have made some of the most incredible friends and I miss them terribly! Although I feel their love from a distance, I'm really ready to be back... There is something about dancing that makes you feel relaxed and allows you to let go of whatever drama you brought into the room. It is ultimately freeing! I cant wait for the baby to experience the calm of dancing to some of the best music out there and to be a part of this special community!

To my friends: I miss your bright and shining faces! I hope that nobody is stealing my spot mainly because I don't want to have to steal someone else's spot when I get back because I will be back...I have had a big talk with the baby and I think we have come to an understanding that dancing is just a must even if I have to break out level 1/2 which I'm pretty sure relates closely to 6th grade slow dancing! :)

My hope for you out there is that you find an activity that you love as much as I love dancing because it will change your life. It will change the way you see yourself and your body. And most importantly it will allow you to be in the now and that seems to be a hard place to get to in this fast paced society that we have built...

I'm going to go and eat a cracker before you know who has a freaking conniption!

xoxo chef a