What sparks my light?

On the IPOD "Hazy (Feat. William Fitzsimmons)" By: Rosi Golan

Can not even explain how happy I am to be able to sit at this computer, in this semi dark room, by myself, while baby Levi and Mike are napping in the bedroom!

I swear I'm trying to find the time to get everything done...I think what I need is a voice recorder because I write blogs in the car all day long...its just getting them actually written that is the problem....

I watch my fair amount of television including some talk shows but I would not really consider myself committed to any of them except maybe "Parenthood" and 'Modern Family". But I have been an Oprah fan. I have not seen every show nor have I ever really been on board with the various other speakers she has invented...ie: Dr. Phil (ya I went to school with his kid it's really hard for me to understand his parenting logic when his kid drove an extremely expensive first car and is now married to a playboy bunny), Dr. Oz, or Nate. But I have loved her honest approach to life and some of her her guests are downright amazing. So when the last episode aired I have to admit I was sitting in awe of what she has accomplished.

Two of her quotes have hit me to my core:

"There's a difference between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing that you are worthy of being happy."

"You have to know what sparks the light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world. You have the power to change somebody's life."

I have been feeling pulled in my life which I think is pretty normal with a new baby, but when Oprah said these words to me (because that's what it felt like) it set off a rush of emotions. Don't get me wrong I love to cook and I love my job but it is not sparking any lights right now that's for sure! I used to think that if I could do anything in the world well besides a mom cause that has always been in the cards.... I would be a singer/songwriter...but that ship sailed long ago...and now singing has turned into a personal release that happens during Levi's nightly song session, the occasional karaoke night, and the concert I put on in the car everyday. So besides being a Mom...what sparks my light?

Oddly enough... although you could probably never convince my high school English teachers...writing sparks my light...writing is what I want to do...writing makes me happy! Cooking makes me happy too but I think I'm just burnt out from cooking right now or maybe I'm just burnt out from cooking for my clients. All I know is that the days I sit down at this computer and the days I hear back from all of you...are just better days! So I guess the next step is to allow myself to believe that I am worthy of being happy. I'm not quiting my job or anything crazy like that...but I WILL BE A WRITER! (Funny that I accidentally hit the caps lock before writing that... no joke!)

So thank you Oprah for somehow giving me permission to find out what sparks my light and for saying that I'm worth it! And thank you all for letting me say it out loud.

xoxo chef a

4 1/2 weeks...

On the IPOD "Baby, It's Cold Outside" By: Glee Cast

I would have to say there is nothing like lying on the couch and watching your unborn child do somersaults across your stomach... I mean last night I got a clear view of two little feet and a tushie. Pretty cute! Well it's cute to me... it does sort of look like I have an alien creature living inside of me!

Writing the blog is becoming a little difficult because I have a killer case of carpal tunnel and I'm trying to save my hands for chopping as much as possible...so my posts might be quickies for the remainder of this pregnancy. I finally succumb to taking some pain meds my doctor called in for me last night and to be honest I had the best night ever!

I've got about 4 1/2 weeks left and this is my last completely full week of work...I will still be working but I will be keeping it to one client a day! Here are some of the things I'm cooking over the next couple of days...

Minstrone
Hearty Beef Stew
Chicken Alfredo Casserole
Sour Cream Chicken Enchiladas
Chicken Tagine with Spring Vegetables
Seared Filets
Chili
Beef Tortilla Casserole
Jalapeno Chicken
Chicken Tortilla Soup
Chicken Spaghetti
Smoked Jalapeno Cheese Sausages
Lemony Spanish Chicken
Seafood Scampi

And 22 wrapped and decorated pans of Brownies!

I have gained 17 pounds which to be honest feels more like 50 when I'm walking or waddling around...my stomach feels like it has it's own zip code! Well I better get ready for work but I am going to post some holiday recipes for you in the next day or so...so stay tuned!

xoxo chef a

Time To Let Go!

On the IPOD "Whiskey Lullaby" By: Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley

To all of you who knew this was going to happen I commend you on your foresight!

I have realized that maybe I was unrealistic about my working schedule both before the end of the year and after Levi gets here.

I'm a workaholic by nature... I have a very difficult time saying no to clients... I work almost every day of the week. I really like making money and to be honest our financial stability depends on the money I make. Although I love working for myself the downside is that private insurance does not include maternity benefits so let's just say little Levi is a very expensive package!!!
And to add insult to injury my career does not come with a whole lot of job security... ie: I can't really call the human resources department if someone stops using my services while I'm out on maternity leave!

Anyways because of all of these reasons my plans were to work up until delivery and then to take a couple of weeks off and then to jump right back into work with a baby in tow!

Well yesterday morning after sleeping a total of 2 hours and waking up to sharp shooting pains from the top of my uterus to my pelvic area... I broke down and thought maybe I'm being a tad bit unrealistic...

The anxiety that came over me as I headed to work did not include any of the fears I have read about... I'm not scared of the actual birth nor do I have fears about caring for a newborn... I, Amanda Marrone, am extremely afraid of not being able to work... Well actually it's more that I'm afraid of not making money!

When I called the doctor to let them know what was going on they assured me that it is normal and most likely braxton hicks and that my body is just getting ready but that they would check to make sure I wasn't dilating or anything at my next appointment. The nurse went on to say that because I work on my feet all day it might be time to slow down and think about going on maternity leave. As the tears hit my cheek I thought to myself... What is this maternity leave you speak of??? Heck I can't even get my private insurance to pay a doctors bill!

After work I took a long nap, Mike called on his way home and after I shed some more tears, he reassured me that it will all work out... And if I can't continue to work up until Levi gets here then I just won't! It did make me feel better that he is behind me with whatever needs to happen in the coming weeks!

I'm not going to lie... my expectations of what I will be able to accomplish work wise while on very little sleep after the boy is here are probably still completely unrealistic but at least I know that I am able to break down a little bit and realize that it most likely won't go according to my plan.

xoxo chef a

Thanksgiving

On the IPOD "Put You In A Song" By: Keith Urban

Hey all I hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving!!! Mine was extremely busy... 
Black eyed pea dip
Artichoke dip
Butternut squash soup
Harvest salad
Cranberry orange sauce
6 turkeys in all
Traditional, Cajun, and Garlic Herb
2 Peppercorn crusted beef tenderloins
Corn bread dressing
Whipped sweet potatoes with praline topping
Mashed potatoes
Roasted potatoes
Green bean casserole
Broccoli cheese rice casserole
Haricot verts almondine 
Pumpkin Ginger roll 
Mixed berries

This was obviously for more than one family!!! I can't explain my joy when it was all over!  Mucho thanks go out to my aunt and my mom for helping me get everything done this year!

It's very nice to know that I only have regular clients, no parties, through the end of the year, because the little boy is making it much more difficult to work.

On Friday I did just a little bit of shopping before nia and then I headed out to the art museum with my family. It was so nice to have a real day off and it felt extremely decadent.

Saturday turned into a full day with a wonderful birthday lunch for my aunt and then I hosted a Marrone family dinner to celebrate my husbands birthday on Monday. 

With 6 weeks left I have definitely started nesting and really trying to get everything done.

Blogging has been more difficult because

#1 I'm exhausted

#2 I have some serious carpel tunnel from the pregnancy plus all of the cooking I do which makes my fingers numb making typing a tad difficult.

#3 I have baby brain meaning all I'm really thinking about is Levi and how uncomfortable I am making blogging more of a bitch fest! 

On the weight front I have gained about 15 or 16 pounds so far.  I'm sure it will go up some more and I'm ok with that...  

I think it's time for a Sunday morning nap... Check in with y'all later! 

xoxo chef a

P.S. I hope to post some nursery pics this week so if you are interested keep your eyes peeled!

A Mile High

On the IPOD "Everybody" By: Ingrid Michaelson

So before I get to the conference discussion, Yesterday we had our monthly appointment at the OB and once again this kid is killing me! Still breech legs crossed at the knees and no clear view of any girl or boy parts. It's almost a joke at this point, I moved around, we tried every angle, every pose but nothing except a healthy, stubborn, baby who was squirming around in there. I have planned another quick visit at the end of the month to try one more time before giving up and just taking the blood test!

So the highlights of the conference were of course being with close chef friends who I talk to throughout the year but hardly ever get to see, our Friday night tasting dinner at "TAG" in Denver, Saturday night at "Marco's Coal Fire Pizzeria", and then to top it off lunch with my camp friend Amy on Sunday.

The conference it self was great! My class went incredibly well and the room was packed. And the classes I attended were all so interesting and informative, but I would be lying if I didnt say that I really go for the food and friends.

My friend Annise had set up a tasting menu at a local restaurant TAG. I would describe it as upscale fusion food meant for sharing, a think the chef's description is actually continental social food but whatever. So anyways the chef had set up a tasting menu for us but unfortunately for us he had another engagement and wouldn't be in the restaurant. The unforunate lesson that we all learned is that when the cat's away the mice will play. The food was great with the exception of one dessert the wasn't made properly (we knew this because on Saturaday the same chef did a demo at conference and the dessert tasted incredibly better the second go around) but the service was an entirely different situation... our server was terrible...he was flirting with a couple of regulars at the bar and at one point when one of the chef's at my table asked what was in one of the dishes his responce was, "I don't know I just bring the food to the table!" UM WRONG ANSWER! Anyways the evening ended with us taking a peditaxi back to the hotel with a driver who could have a day job as a plumber with the crack he was sporting! It at least gave us all a good laugh.

Saturday dinner was incredible! Pizza is my thing and I can say that the last time I had pizza this good was at Joe's Pizza in the village in New York. The owner ships in most of his ingredients from Italy and the pizza is cooked in an old coal fire oven! OMG it was just what the baby wanted! The server was great and happy to be there for a change and the casual company of friends made the night unforgetable!

On Sunday morning I slept in a little bit and then headed to my last class, packed up and said my goodbyes to the chefs! My camp friend Amy Ladin picked me up from the hotel and took me to what is going to be her new neighborhood in Denver. We grabbed some salads and then walked up and down the neigborhood farmers market. I tried to buy some baby stuff but without knowing the sex it made it just too hard! I had a wonderful time catching up and talking about our futures and before I knew it it was time to head back to the hotel for my shuttle pick up.

Well after waiting an hour for Big Sky Shuttles to pick me up...the group of us waiting caught another shuttle and thank goodness made it to the airport in time for my flight. Believe me they got an earfull and I cancelled the credit card charge for the round trip ticket! I don't play around! I really don't think they cared which made me even more angry.

All in all it was a great memorable trip!

xoxo chef a

Hunger Pains

On the IPOD "Be Still" by: Kelly Clarkson

I would be lying if I told you I feel completely normal right now at 3:16 in the morning. I'm having crazy dreams and I have woken Mike up three times and let's just say he's over it :).

Why is it that when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm starving...like I haven't eaten in weeks. The sad thing is the myriad of things I'm in the mood for: I would totally eat a ramen cup of soup (most likely the saltiest and most processed food product on the market), I would also tear up some bagel chips and extra spicy hummus or even a can of green beans. I know the last one is just plain weird yet if you were to be spying on me at the moment you would see me opening a can of organic green beans, it's not that I wouldn't rather have nice fresh haricot verts (french green beans), but I don't have any and to tell you the truth there is something comforting about the odd metallic taste of cold canned green beans in the wee hours of the morning...

When I was gone last week I did alot of thinking... I have been teetering with the revelation that I'm a little burnt out cooking wise and I knew that I just needed a jump start. I needed time to visit local markets and to cook from my heart instead of counting every calorie. I needed to throw things in a blender and see what came out.

Being a chef is sort of like having an attitude problem. It is half real cooking knowledge and half cockiness. It is a delicate balance, because if you think too much or question yourself you could end up losing your edge. To be honest the issue with my client a couple of weeks ago threw me for a loop...it made me question what I'm doing as a chef. It wasn't that I didn't know the answers, I think I just had to find them out again... I know that my first love is dinner parties where I'm given some amount of creative control and I know that I like personal cheffing because it allows me to create bonds with the families I'm feeding. But beyond that how does artistry intertwine with crazy diets. How do I change the school of thought that has made americans want the most amount of processed food for the least amount of calories instead of a smaller portion of the best tasting real food? I don't know the answer yet, but I know that if I want to stick with this career I need to find out. I know that I'm more excited about work tonight than I have been in weeks and that's a good thing!

I don't know... I'm sure it has to do with my personal dieting...I need to find a way to allow myself to love food. I will never be someone who looks at food as a source of energy nor do I want that. My relationship with food has always been a love affair, it just used to be a manipulative abusive one and now I just want it to be a healthy one.

xoxo chef a

Blame it on the Clomid...

On the IPOD "Crazy Bitch" by: Buckcherry

Have you ever had an out of body experience??? Well I can honestly say today I did!

Background story but not an excuse... I have not been feeling great...Infertility drugs are definitely wreaking havoc on my stomach, upside is I can't eat (lol) downside makes me a "tad" irritable. So much so that I cancelled my client Friday morning because I knew I had a big dinner party last night. And I just needed some time... I also don't normally discuss client issues but to tell you the truth I need to vent!

I would say that in general I'm pretty even tempered at work, but I have my moments... I do like things done a certain way but usually I'm pretty calm about it. Friday was different! This dinner party has been planned for months...the menu was agreed too as well as the price but about 2 days ago I was called and asked to add some things. I explained that adding the items would change the price and that I would send her the invoice asap. Yesterday I got a call from her pretty much screaming at me telling me that she hired me because she thought I would be cheaper than another caterer (One I actually know!), but now we were the same price! She went on to say that because I don't have as much overhead as him then my prices should be cheaper! Note to client: not a good idea to tell Amanda how to run her business when you have no idea what her business costs are and especially when they just raised her dose of clomid.

Well let's just say this rubbed me the wrong way... And I lost it! As my friend Jessica would say, I completely fell off my rocker! Just to be clear I am not in the business to be cheap! When you hire a large caterer you are paying some 20 year old kid who has no training and is making minimum wage to make your cheap food. When you hire me I do all the work myself with minimal help. I shop at local stores and buy the best ingredients I can. And guess what...my food is way better! It is like the difference of going to a real doctor and going to the nurses office at a high school. Come to find out later in the night that the real reason I was hired over the other caterer is that I can make one of her mom's recipes and "blah blah catering company" can't do it (they have tried and failed!) My real issue is that if you have a problem with the price just call me and we will figure it out. I am in no mood to be talked down to!

It took everything I had to pull it together before the party started but I did... Funny thing is that all I heard all night was how amazing the food was. There was even a man there who used to be a caterer in the Dallas area but has since moved and his remarks were simple, "Your food and service were magnificent. How do you do it all by yourself? It's really amazing!" That comment right there definitely made the night more worth it! I have worked way too hard in my career to be referred to as the cheap one!!!! Thank you very much!

xoxo chef a