Time To Let Go!

On the IPOD "Whiskey Lullaby" By: Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley

To all of you who knew this was going to happen I commend you on your foresight!

I have realized that maybe I was unrealistic about my working schedule both before the end of the year and after Levi gets here.

I'm a workaholic by nature... I have a very difficult time saying no to clients... I work almost every day of the week. I really like making money and to be honest our financial stability depends on the money I make. Although I love working for myself the downside is that private insurance does not include maternity benefits so let's just say little Levi is a very expensive package!!!
And to add insult to injury my career does not come with a whole lot of job security... ie: I can't really call the human resources department if someone stops using my services while I'm out on maternity leave!

Anyways because of all of these reasons my plans were to work up until delivery and then to take a couple of weeks off and then to jump right back into work with a baby in tow!

Well yesterday morning after sleeping a total of 2 hours and waking up to sharp shooting pains from the top of my uterus to my pelvic area... I broke down and thought maybe I'm being a tad bit unrealistic...

The anxiety that came over me as I headed to work did not include any of the fears I have read about... I'm not scared of the actual birth nor do I have fears about caring for a newborn... I, Amanda Marrone, am extremely afraid of not being able to work... Well actually it's more that I'm afraid of not making money!

When I called the doctor to let them know what was going on they assured me that it is normal and most likely braxton hicks and that my body is just getting ready but that they would check to make sure I wasn't dilating or anything at my next appointment. The nurse went on to say that because I work on my feet all day it might be time to slow down and think about going on maternity leave. As the tears hit my cheek I thought to myself... What is this maternity leave you speak of??? Heck I can't even get my private insurance to pay a doctors bill!

After work I took a long nap, Mike called on his way home and after I shed some more tears, he reassured me that it will all work out... And if I can't continue to work up until Levi gets here then I just won't! It did make me feel better that he is behind me with whatever needs to happen in the coming weeks!

I'm not going to lie... my expectations of what I will be able to accomplish work wise while on very little sleep after the boy is here are probably still completely unrealistic but at least I know that I am able to break down a little bit and realize that it most likely won't go according to my plan.

xoxo chef a

Working Out On Empty

On the IPOD "You Lost Me" By: Christina Aguilera

On Tuesday I learned a very important lesson, Listen to your body! You would think that after almost 32 years of life I would know that one, but I think in general I have been ignoring my body most of my life.

This is how the day went... I left the house at around 6 am and headed to the store and to my client's house. After work I picked up a couple of sandwiches for my mom and I and met her at my place so that she could help me go through the closet in the nursery room.(Thank you MOM!) I had a veggie sandwich with cheese (There is no question that I'm having a difficult time eating protein at the moment.) We worked on the closet for a couple of hours and then I took a quick little nap before Nia. On the way to Nia I realized that I hadn't eaten anything since 12 but I was running late and was going to see if they had a bar or something at the studio. Unfortunately they didn't... So instead of listening to my body at this point...I just grabbed my water and headed to class. About 15 minutes into class, I started to feel funny... My leg started cramping and there was no question that my body was letting me know that something wasn't right. But did I listen...nope I just went on with class. After class I met my friend Jamie for dinner and I had a chicken sandwich. On the way home from dinner I was not feeling well at all, so badly in fact that I got extremely sick when I got home. Now I haven't been sick in 5 days so it did make me worry a little, I put a call into my doctor who called right back and had a serious talk with me about making eating a priority and not ever going more than two hours without at least a snack. He said that I let my blood sugar get too low and then worked out and most likely I need more fluids as well.

Of course I'm going to do everything I can to face my recurring food issues head on since obviously they are still causing problems. I mean I've been guilting myself over food for the last 24 years what would make me think that being pregnant would somehow fix it. If anything it is making me even more aware of how much control I give to the numbers on a scale even if in exchange I ignore the truths that my body is obviously screaming at me. I'm going to take the next few days before my birthday to talk openly and honestly with you about how I am truly feeling about food, my body and my health and hopefully it will help me get on the track I need to be for the next 5 1/2 months and maybe even for the rest of my life.

xoxo chef a

Pregnancy Body Image

On the IPOD "Landslide" By: Fleetwood Mac

I'm not exactly sure how some of you are going to take this but to be true and honest to myself it needs to be discussed and hopefully you will see my side of it without feeling the need to tell me to get over it... :)

I know that there are many women out there who get pregnant and are able to just let themselves go. They see their bodies changing and they somehow embrace it and realize it's for a great cause, they are growing a baby. I wish that I could say that... I wish that I didn't have guilt over each craving, but I do. And I wish that I could someday see myself wanting to mold my pregnant belly with paper mache and hang it on our wall, but I can guarantee that will never happen in this house!

I have not gained any weight thus far...due mainly to the fact that I can't keep a whole lot down. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm a little scared about not having morning sickness..... I'm scared of losing control and gaining too much. I'm scared of how I will perceive myself. And I'm most scared of being completely overwhelmed in 7 months with a new baby and massive weight to lose.

The book I'm reading told me to look at my body in the mirror and see the changes going on... Obviously the lady who wrote the book has no experience with body image issues...I'm not talking about small issues with your body ie: my butt's too big, I'm too short, too tall, my boobs suck, etc. I am referring to the people out there whether skinny, chubby, or fat, who have debilitating feelings about their body. Those of us who have cancelled plans while crying in the mirror because we can't find something to wear that looks decent. Or have honestly wanted to beat a photographer for taking a picture of us. I'm a tad bit better about it now but I'm far from perfect... I decided to go ahead and partake in her little exercise, I took off my clothes and gazed into the mirror. I wish I could say that I got all teary eyed and saw my growing belly as a home for this precious little baby inside but in reality it pretty much just looks like I've eaten too much! I'm going to go ahead and say that this exercise really didn't do much for me today...I'm thinking that maybe it would be best to look again at say 6 months pregnant when it looks like there is really a baby in there, but for now I'm content with staying far away from naked mirror shots of myself and will instead just try to embrace the feeling of being preggers.

I think that these "feelings" are going to need to be talked about from time to time because I can't imagine them just vanishing. But please don't misunderstand me, I am absolutely thrilled about carrying this baby, we have spent lots of time, money and heartache trying to get to this point and we just can not wait until we are able to meet our little one. But in truth most of the books and websites discuss how great you should feel about your expanding waistline and I want to make sure that the women out there who are maybe feeling a tad bit apprehensive about it know that there are others, like me, who are still completely elated about having a baby but have normal, hard to explain fears about what is happening to their bodies in the process. I just can't imagine going through the feelings I'm having and not having you to talk to about it. It saddens me to think that there might be some of you out there who are embarassed about not feeling thrilled about your image in the mirror and I just want to make sure that you are aware that it is really not that uncommon, it is just not discussed enough.

xoxo chef a

Fear (revisited)

On the IPOD "Fear" by: Sarah McLachlan

I have already discussed the topic of fear, but I'm back again...
How do you deal with fear?

I have to start out by saying that I'm a natural worrier...it's what I do. I could worry about the wall if I tried. The anxiety I feel has been passed down many generations, it's like the present that everybody gets but nobody wants. And I'm pretty sure that anxiety is what is waking me up at 4 in the morning everyday.

When I think about getting pregnant these are the fears I have...
1. What if something happens, and I have to go through all of the sadness again?
2. How will I control my weight when I am not in charge of my own body?
3. How will I focus in dance class if I'm constantly worried about hurting the baby?
4. Is there such a thing as enough money??? (I think this is a normal one)
5. How will I ever stop worrying?

Those are the top 5 although there are many more that come in and out of my head. And I'm not saying that any of my fears are irrational. I just want to learn how to turn it off from time to time. I do think a healthy amount of fear is good for you...it pushes you and helps you to achieve your goals. But when it stifles you, that's a problem...

So I'm thinking about taking a course in meditation... I have a friend who recently took it and said it was amazing. I figure what do I have to lose?

So there was a request for a recipe:

Summer Vegetable Soup

2 cups celery, (I clean the whole bunch trim a 1/4 inch off the end and finely chop towards the heart using all of the leaves)
1 1/2 cups shredded carrots
1 large leek, split chopped and cleaned
2 32 oz boxes of chicken stock
2 16 oz cans diced tomatoes with basil and oregano
1 16 oz bag of frozen organic mixed vegetables
1 large zucchini, diced
Pepper to taste

I use a non stick soup pot, so that I don't have to add oil. Saute celery, carrots, and leeks over medium heat until soft. Add stock, tomatoes, and mixed vegetables. And bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a high simmer and cook about 30 minutes. Add zucchini and cook 5 min. more. Season with fresh ground pepper. I don't salt this soup because the stock and tomatoes both have enough salt but if you are using organic stock and tomatoes most likely you will need to add a little.

Oh, and my diet plan for the other day worked beautifully. It ended up being a great food day...I stayed on track, wasn't starving, and didn't really even snack!

xoxo chef a

L-O-V-E

On the IPOD "Keep Breathing" by: Ingrid Michaelson

First off I have to tell you that I just took the most amazing Nia class called "Soundings". The music is like an opera, it tells the story of a warrior who goes off to war and then once the war is over he has to figure out who he really is... It is interesting to me that this happened to be the routine we did on a day that I was already so introspective about my own journey...

I want to talk with you about love! What does it mean to say that you love someone...I wish that there were a million other words to describe types of love but unfortunately there is only one real word that describes whatever love is supposed to mean. I hope I'm not rambling...

Is it possible to love someone if you don't love yourself?

For years while I was just dating Mike I thought we were in love...we lived with each other and had a life together, but looking back it wasn't real love. It was a sort of toxic love...each of us taking a turn hurting each other and then loving each other. Most likely if we had married then we would surely be divorced today. I cant speak for him but I know that for myself there is no way that I could have possibly loved him when I was so unhappy with myself. I would say that we truly fell in love with each other about a year and a half ago. I was slowly recovering from the death of my father and we went to see a therapist to see if there was something worth saving...

Our therapy sessions ended when we were at a crossroads... Pretty much the therapist asked, "What are you looking for in this relationship?" We had all the wrong answers and we left the session thinking that our relationship was over. There were tears and hurt feeling and fear for what the future held. But something happened on the drive home, I let go ... I let go of my incessant need to control the situation. I let go of my fear of abandonment. I let go my constant worry that he didn't love me for me and I decided that whether he loved me or not I was going to try to love myself. I slowly realized that I was worth something and I gave myself permission to be loved. And then all of the sudden nothing on the list of what I was looking for compared to my desire to share my life with him...rich or poor, kids or no kids, house or no house...

Over the last year I have realized that eveything I thought about love was just Hollywood. I have learned that real love is not about presents and romantic get aways (although those do help!) It is really about helping each other become the best version of yourself. I know now that love is selfless. And although it is hardwork and can even be painful at times there is not a minute in my life that I question my choice.

So I guess my question to you is what does love mean to you and are you really allowing yourself to be loved?

xoxo chef a

The Newest Hawaiian Tropics Plus Size Model

On the IPOD "Just Dance" by: Lady GaGa and Colby O'Donis

So as you all know, I started this blog to find the real me. Because of that I decided a while ago that if I have an opportunity to try something new then I'm just not going to not think about it and instead just take it.

For the last 20 years or so I have been ridiculed for my extremely fair skin. My brothers, who are both extremely tan not just because they spend time outdoors but because it is just in their genes, constantly made fun of me for it. They would tell people I was scared of the sun! As I grew up I took full ownership of my magnolia colored skin. If someone made a comment I would quickly quirk back, "well tell me how you feel about it in 20 years when I have no wrinkles!"

If truth be told I would love a little sun glow, but believe it there is no way in hell that I am going to be laying out in a bathing suit! So when I was approached to try this new all natural spray tan called SunFX and I found out that it was mobile and that this amazing girl would come to my house and do it right there for me in complete privacy, I immediately signed up! The best thing about it is that it is custom so she is able to highlight your best areas and distract from your worst.

All day yesterday I had butterflies in my stomach...I was not only worried about changing the color of my skin (yes I'm aware it's not permanent) but I was also more worried about the whole undressing factor.

When Tiffany arrived at my house, she completely put me at ease. She even agreed to work around the armour that I refused to take off, (boy-shorts and an old tank top that I had in such a way that she could spray my chest without being fully exposed.) Hey lets be honest I wasn't really worried about the tan lines that no one except my husband will ever see. I explained to Tiffany that she was dealing with virgin skin, I have never spray tanned or even used tanning lotion and lets be honest I am a little scared of the sun!

I decided to stick with a level one because I didn't want to get crazy or anything. So after she set up her completely private tanning tent, I lotioned up my hands and feet and we got right to it...It was a little cold but not too bad and I was much more comfortable that I thought I would ever be. Even when I had a boob pop out...I just grabbed it real quick and shoved it back in. Within about 5-10 minutes I was done! And all I have to say I looked pretty amazing. I have never been tan like this in my life.

I actually can't stop starring at myself. I have this completely natural looking glow with even skin tone and on top of that it makes me feel skinnier!! I called Mike at work and told him that I hope he is ready to see the newest Hawaiian Tropics plus size model, he laughed! Who would have ever thought that a tan would make me feel so good about myself. I'm pretty sure that I'm signing up for this on a regular basis. SunFX is completely different than other formulas out there...I mean I see girls all the time that have gone way too far and are various shades of orange but this is a beautiful golden color that looks totally natural.

If you are in the Dallas area call Tiffany Ackerman, she is a trained specialist with SunFX and she will either come to your house or you are able to go to her at the Michael Flores Salon. She is completely professional and she has a good heart which are the two things that matter the most to me. This is not just for movie stars but it does make you feel like a movie star! When I told her that I was going to write about how good I feel she offered to give all of my readers a 15% discount on a home or salon visit. Pretty cool of her if you ask me. Just mention Chef Amanda when you call!!!

Tiffany Ackerman
SunFX Specialist
214-914-4349
tiffanymobiletan@yahoo.com

If you are not in the Dallas Area but are still interested in SunFX Spray Tan, you can go to their website and find a salon near you. www.SunFx.com.au

xoxo chef a

Disclaimer: I was not paid nor did I receive any compensation for featuring this service on my blog!

Baby fears

On the IPOD "All the Pretty Little Ponies" by: Kenny Loggins

I've been extremely productive today...I spent half of the day cooking and the other half doing office work...its pretty amazing considering that on a normal day I would find anything else in the world to do rather than using the other side of my brain...

I have kind of a cool annoucement...You can now find my blog at Chef-Amanda.com !  You can still find it however you are now, but it's just an easier address to tell your friends how to find it :)

So on to the serious stuff...

You would laugh if you knew how many sentences I have written on this post and then erased, it is actually becoming quite entertaining...  Ok here it goes no erasing....

Deep breath....  So I have been on meds to gets preggers for 3 months...And it has always been the plan that we would try this for three months and then add on a little Clomid (another baby drug) and try that for a couple of months.  But when discussing it with my doctor, I kind of spewed out, "Well maybe we should just wait until I've lost more weight!"  His responce was, "no, no you'll do fine. I really only want you to gain about 15 pounds during a pregnancy so the eating plan you are on now is actually ideal."  I said ok...

It wasn't until later that night that I really felt my heart pounding in my chest and realized that I was having a mini panic attack about this decision...  I'll tell you why...

Don't get me wrong I want a baby, I've always wanted to be a mom, Mike and I both have always wanted 3 and I am almost 32, so you do the math.  But I'm completely freaking out... For starters I'm just kind of getting used to this body.  I'm actually not completely disappointed when I look in the mirror.  I also don't want to give up dancing...I look forward to it and I can't imagine not being able to do it even for a couple months.  The idea of feeling sick and tired and still working on not using food for comfort is completely frightening.  I just don't want to feel like I'm giving up... Then it hits me maybe all these feelings are just covering up the fact that I have fears of miscarring again.  With the amount of nausea I'm feeling right now you would think I'm already preggers.  Oh wait, thats what happens when you actually dealing with your feelings....

Then I start to feel selfish, this was always the plan...I know I can do this.  I still have time, I just need to focus on taking care of myself and if I get pregnant great.  When I do, I will add 300 healthy calories to my diet and I will dance until I can't and when I can't anymore Ill still go to class, sit on an exercise ball and dance like I do when I'm driving in the car. I will work everyday, just like I do now, to not use food for comfort and I will not give up!  I will try as long as I have to for a healthy viable pregnancy while knowing that I have you and my family and friends to help me through any difficult times.

Alright I got my fears out...I'm sure there are many more in there, but this at least make me feel a little more comfortable that all of you know I'm slightly terrified...

I never would have thought that losing weight would change my feelings about everything....

xoxo chef a