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On the IPOD "Don't let me Fall" By: Lenka

Well hello there strangers... The two weeks leading up until school starts are insane for me. I have some clients that seem to disappear in the summers and then are not exactly understanding when they get back in to town and I cant fit them in the second they call...they are also not understanding enough to pay me to keep their time slots...so I do what any other workaholic would do I fill their time slots and worry about the overbooking issue later. Well this week was later and I pretty much haven't even had time to watch "Real Housewives of New Jersey" (Only kidding I watched it in the middle of the night on Monday! Lol)

Anyways I'm not exactly sure why the blog thing has been hard for me lately... Well I mean I do have some reasons...finding time is an issue in general and then allowing myself the personal time is another part of it, but deeper than that I'm having a slightly more difficult time opening up lately. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I used to have the time to be one on one with my computer and now it seems as if I am never alone or if maybe the real issue is that I want people to hear me and to relate to me but sometimes I get responses that are more solutions on how to fix myself or even emails of pity. That is not what I'm looking for so in turn I think I have been guarded because I'm afraid of what I'll hear... but not writing is bothering me... I feel like I am in a boat with no paddles...

So, whether you like it or not I'm going to thread by thread, knot by knot... let it out. I would love to hear from you if you can relate or if you like or agree with what I am saying, but please know that I'm not asking for you to fix me...it's actually not about being fixed... it's about finding a home in me...a peace...with who I am, with who I could be, and with who I may never be.

So I will be back in the next 12 hours...I mean I have to write something before therapy tomorrow!

xoxo chef a

Here we go again...

On the IPOD "Modern Love" By: Matt Nathanson

So I've made a decision.... I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I just had a birthday on Thursday or maybe it was two weeks ago when I had a little bit of a pregnancy scare (and yes right now I would consider it to be a scare!), but whatever it was I have realized that I'm done!

I'm done carrying around this extra pregnancy weight. I have been back to my old ways of feeding my feeling and although I haven't really gained weight since Levi was born, I definitely haven't lost it either. The sad part about it is that I just really haven't felt like myself in awhile...I don't really think it is a postpartum thing...it's more of a stressed out, tired, horrible body image, really tired (yes I'm aware I repeated it), put yourself on the back burner and take care of the baby kind of thing. But I'm really not doing anyone any good... I'm not always my sunshine self, I do a lot of nodding my head while not listening to anything anyone is saying, I have even lost my witty retorts that should be able to calm me down when I'm faced with a "suckubus" (A suckubus is a term we use at our house to describe a person whether male or female who tries to suck the life out of you.) If you want someone to really show you if they are a suckubus, have a baby and you will find out quickly enough!

So anyways my plan is to start back slowly... First on my list is to work out every day whether it is Nia, the gym, the pool, or the Wii. Starting with working out always works better for me mainly because I have an emotional attachment to food so if I start a diet flat out I feel deprived which usually results in me cheating so instead of taking something away from myself I am going to give myself the gift of working out... it sounds silly, but I think it might work... let's hope so!

xoxo chef a

Rebooting...

On the IPOD "Set Fire To The Rain" By: ADELE

Ive decided that the only way to be skinny while being a full time working mom is to have money and a nanny! I mean a nanny is not an option for us so I'm going to have to come up with a better solution, not that skinny is really even in my personal vocabulary... But I do want to be healthier so something has got to give! Levi and I get up for work between 5-6 am, Mike works till 7:30pm and lately Levi likes to scream for about 2 hours each night starting as early as 5 and ending sometimes as late as 9:30, which tends to make leaving to go workout at night difficult to say the least and early morning workouts are completely out of the question. So where does a girl find the time I ask you?

To be honest it is not helping that I am really having a hard time accepting my post baby body issues... between the numb looser tummy I've been sporting since the c-section and my boobs that spent way too many countless hours attached to a pump... Lets just say that it is definitely affecting my self esteem which in turn makes it harder to make the steps to do something about it. So lately I've been making myself feel better the only way I know how to...with food!

But I'm done... mainly because it's just not working obviously... I'm officially back on the quest to deal with my shit without the help of an m&m! And I'm also giving myself permission to put my needs first for at least a 1/2 hour a day because in the long run everyone wins with a happier Amanda!

xoxo chef a

My Circle

On the IPOD "Gangsta's Paradise" By: Coolio (By the way this musical choice has nothing to do with the topic of this post it just happens to be what I wanted to listen to!)

So I've been a little bit overwhelmed lately... On the plus side business is great on the minus side I'm so busy I cant really reach the surface. In a way, I feel like I'm drowning... I worked all weekend only taking a break to visit a preschool open house and yes I have become one of those parents who puts their newborn on preschool waiting lists. I'm not necessarily proud of it, but to tell you the truth a $20,000 a year elementary school is not an option for us so I feel that if I can give my kid the best preschool experience out there maybe in the end he will still be accepted to the best trade school around! Only kidding, I know he will be fine either way but I'm still hoping that I become a millionaire before he turns 5, so it will all work out! lol! When I say I feel like I'm drowning I mean it in the best possible way... I love being a mom and I love working but doing both is much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. The good thing is that I'm going to therapy tomorrow and the focus of my session will be how to organize my life so that I can blog everyday, because blogging has changed everything about my life and I miss it! It clears my head and my heart! Lately I have been trying to write at 4:30 am and it's not working for me...I've ended up with 8 posts beginning with, "Well I've been a little overwhelmed..." So something has got to give...

I wanted to write about this a couple of weeks ago but it just fell through the cracks...

I went to dinner with a good friend a couple of weeks ago... She happens to be one of those people in my life that I just click with... We don't talk everyday or even see each other once a week, but the times we do hang out are epic. In our 2 hour dinner we discussed everything...our work, our futures and pasts, babies, and of course men. My friendship with her is extremely easy (I hope she would say the same.) We have known each other a very long time but our friendship is still relatively new in the broad scheme of things. Somehow our histories are sort of parallel so it feels like we've been friends forever. Our friendship lacks judgements, is heavy on honesty, and doesn't have alot of expectations except to be present when we do get to hang out. The best thing about her is that she makes me want to be a better friend.

I am so lucky for her friendship as well as all the amazing friendships that I am blessed with in my life. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life I forget to tell all of the wonderful people around me that I would truly be lost without you. Each of you, in your own individual way, make my life better. And whether at any moment in time I am strictly there for you or you are here for me, your place in my circle means the world to me.

I hope that those of you who are reading this are lucky enough to have circles, whether big or small, that are full of people who make you want to be a better you!

xoxo chef a

Food Guilt

On the IPOD "Fire and Rain" By: James Taylor

Oh two o'clock why are we best friends this week?? It really makes me miss 4 o'clock who I would much rather spend time with!

I am definitely having mixed feelings about my body and food this week. I'm still waiting for that day that I totally look pregnant and the world around me can see a baby bump instead of what feels like just an expanding waistline... I mean the closest people around me can see a baby bump, Mike, my mom (who informs me on a regular basis...I'm not quite sure I like this by the way!), and some of my friends. But really for me the tell tale sign comes when my pants roll under my belly instead of staying where they should. I feel like I need suspenders! I feel a little guilty telling you this but when I look in the mirror I don't get that, "Oh my goodness there's a baby in there, that's so exciting" feeling. I do get it when I'm laying on the couch and I feel this odd sensation of fluttering in my tummy which I'm pretty sure is the baby moving around, but as far as a love for my body...it's not really there yet.

I said in the last post that I wanted to talk with you about my food issues. I want you to know that this is very hard for me to do because I feel like I should want to eat for the baby's sake. But in truth I am having major control issues... I wish I could tell you the amount of times I have gone back and forth over whether the effects of real sugar products are better than the unknowns of all of the artificial sweeteners out there. I'm a strong believer that fake processed foods lead to overeating and that they are really not a weight loss tool but instead an expensive way to gain weight. But on the other hand I look at the calorie count and I am sometimes persuaded to think that I could eat or drink so much more because of the lower calorie counts of those foods that maybe I should give it another try. The real issue is the guilt that I put on myself about going either way... There are certain foods that I feel comfortable with: fresh fruits and vegetables (and I'm not including treated produce ie:grape flavored apples), real cane sugar, organic dairy products and meats. I feel like I know these products and even with all of the issues in the food industry I still feel confident that if my 95 year old grandmother eats them that they must be ok. But what I question is that when they say that the younger generation will be the first generation to not live longer than their parents did, could it possibly not only be because of environmental issues but could the main problem lie in what we are putting in our bodies. Have we become just another prop in the food industries major marketing plan??

When I was just trying to lose weight and I sometimes felt like I needed help, I did look to all of the low fat/sugar free products to help me on my journey, but have I been misguided? My goals were to lose the most amount of weight as quickly as possible by eating lower calorie foods, exercising and trying to limit the amount of food and times that I ate. Now the tables have turned slightly, I am trying to eat the healthiest foods, still exercising, and trying to eat small meals as often as possible (which can be very difficult when you are used to limiting your intake of food.) All the while feeling like any wrong decision I make is going to somehow screw up my child for the rest of it's life. I mean don't get me wrong I know that it is all about being smart and eating a range of foods. But for as much as I know about the food industry I still feel so confused... I am by no means confident in my food choices and I think that it leads to a sometimes overwhelming amount of guilt.

I hope that this doesn't come across the wrong way or that people think I am too hard on myself, but this is the truth this is what runs through my head everytime I put something into my mouth and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only girl out there who is feeling this way... at least I hope not!

xoxo chef a

Pina Colada Pounds

On the IPOD "Love Me or Leave Me" by: Lena Horne
(Lena Horne died on Sunday night. She was one of my Dad's favorites and I thought it was only right to honor her.)

I had a great weekend... Friday night was my friend Lisa's surprise "girls only" birthday party. We had a great dinner and then I think managed to hit 4 different bars. Unfortunately by bar 2, I had realized that I kinda like my boring nights with my husband watching reruns on the couch. But I pulled it together and pushed through... when did I get so old???

Saturday night was Jule's karaoke birthday bash. Jule is the instructor of my Nia classes and we had a nice crowd of fellow Nians at one of my favorite activities Karaoke! It was so fun and it was great to see everyone in a whole different atmosphere.

On Sunday, I spent all day with my Mom. First my mom, my aunt, my uncle and I (I let Mike sleep in) went to this wonderful souffle restaurant called "Rise No.1". My favorite thing was the Marshmallow Soup, its a carrot and roasted tomato soup with three baby goat cheese souffles that look like marshmallows. It was amazing!! After brunch my Mom and I just hung out for the afternoon and then we all headed up to my in laws . My in laws are great and they invited us over for dinner and included my Mom which they do on a regular basis, which is so nice!! We had a nice time talking about our Florida trip among other things.

I finally got back to my pre-Florida weight. Those five pounds were hanging on for dear life, but they got the boot whether they were just water weight or pina colada pounds! I was so over them...

Over the weekend I did start food journaling again...mainly because I just want to be aware of what I'm eating. I feel great about my weight loss so far... It has been 8 months and I am feeling really good. I know I still have a ways to go but I feel myself getting healthier by the minute!

Tomorrow's Client Menu

Grilled Salmon with Spicy Mango Relish
Roasted Asparagus
Filet Mignon
Oven Roasted New Potatoes
Praline Baked Ham
Sweet Corn Casserole
Hamburgers
Cheddar Chicken and Corn Chowder
Sauteed Green Beans
Summer Gazpacho

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommies out there!!!!

xoxo chef a

Expectations of Gold Stars

On the IPOD "Save Me From Myself" by: Christina Aguilera

Yesterday was a tough day! As I said to my friend Jamie I seem to be just frustrated with my own personality. I know I have touched on the fact that I'm a pleaser, but I am discovering little by little that it is deeply related to my issues, food included! I think it has less to do with the actual pleaser part of me and more to do with my expectations of how I should feel after the pleasing is done. I guess in some ways I'm looking for a gold star. It is really not fair to my family and friends that I tend to give them so much power over how I feel about myself. I don't think anyone wants to feel like something they say or do is really going to phase someone else's self esteem. But I think probably more times than not our actions do phase others even if we don't want to...

I have a sometimes annoying need to spread the wealth... I feel very lucky that I have such amazing clients and that I have had unbelievable opportunities in my career. That being said I sometimes feel like it is my duty to help out the new guys on the block, whether they are other chefs or just friends that are small business owners. I think I sometimes forget how hard I worked to get where I am today... 11 years ago I think I might have walked away with about with $25 on my first cook day which easily took 7 hours. To get in with the right clients I have done much more than a standard cook day...I have organized their kitchens and gotten involved in their charities, I have rocked their kids to sleep and counseled their teenagers, I have been a secretary, a toddler tamer, a carpooler and a friend. I have been there when they first made their money, when they almost lost it and when they made it back again. I have cried with them, I have hugged them and I have in most cases I have become part of their family. My job is much more than just being a chef...sometimes I might bitch and moan about it, but I know that the dues that I paid have in general made me a better business owner.

So that being said I think I need to just stop helping people so much! Mainly because I am obviously not doing it just for them, I am somehow expecting to get something out of it, like say a gold star! To say that I'm going to stop helping my friends and family is a joke, it won't ever happen. But I really need to work on what my expectations are because the under appreciated feeling really sucks!

I still can't get over the fact that I rely so heavily on food to make me feel better. It is like in my head I have decided that it is just the miracle cure for anything. Unfortunately then the cycle continues... I have a bad day...blame myself for it...try to find some amount of comfort in food (and believe me its not a grilled chicken breast)...then I feel horrible guilt for eating the terrible off limits food...and then I just end up feeling bad again...

I know some of you feel that at times I am too hard on myself, well in general you are right but writing about this in such an honest way seems to be an eye opening experience and even though it doesn't always stop the behavior it at least allows me to see it and really be aware of it...

xoxo chef a

Naked

On the IPOD "Naked" by: Avril Lavigne

I can't believe this post has taken so long.....

Anyways as I was dancing in Nia class on Tuesday night this strange feeling came over me...I felt naked!

I don't know if it was because I was standing in the almost front row but something has enlightened me to the fact that I'm kind of naked now...I know funny that it has taken me 6 months to realize it.

It might have to do with the amazing response I got from the post "Baby Fears". I have received numerous comments, emails, and calls...and they are still coming.

I cant explain to you exactly how comments help me, but they do! They make me accountable. They make me happy. They let me know that my random thoughts are changing your life in some ways as well as my own. They comfort me... And sometimes when I don't get a comment I'm not sure you all got it! :)

If you were to have told me 6 months ago that in 6 months I would feel naked most of the time, I don't know that I would've been strong enough to write this blog...I think that the fear would have taken over.

Feeling naked is weird...It can be uncomfortable. Sometimes I look around and think...how many people in this room know my inner most thoughts? Do they think I look thinner? Do they feel like they know too much or do they want to know more? When I meet readers who I don't know from my personal life I think...hummm I wonder if I'm what they expected? Are they impressed or let down?

When I first felt naked on Tuesday, It really stressed me out and I felt like running and hiding in a corner as fast as I could but as the hours passed my feelings have changed about it...

I feel like I'm standing taller and prouder. I feel uncomfortably comfortable! And I kinda like it!

xoxo chef a