On the IPOD "Breathe Again" By: Sara Bareilles
(Sorry to repeat the artist two posts in a row, but the album is just tooo good!)
The last three days have been rough! Who knew a knee replacement surgery was maybe one of the hardest surgeries ever. My mom's pain threshold is extremely high and yet the pain put her in tears. I'm just glad to be past day three! Thanks for all of your comments on facebook wishing her well!
Anyhow I left the last blog asking you who your worst critic is....the reason I asked is because when I was hangin with a couple of my favorite girls last week we were pretty much discussing how much "body hate" is ok. I know it seems weird to put it like that...I'm mean in a perfect world we would love our body no matter what, but yet our world is far from perfect.
Over the last year many things have changed in my life. A year ago I started this blog...I have relinquished almost all of my secrets to maybe get to a point that I would have to be completely honest with myself. In the process, I lost 60 pounds in 6 months and then after a year of trying, I got pregnant with the help of the best doctor ever, some lovely hormones, a husband, a veterinarian, and a relaxing trip to Rosemary Beach. It takes a village! Believe me when I say, I still have a ways to go on the weight loss front and it will be confronted as soon as this little boy is born, but the question still lingers over my head... Is my relationship with my own body healthier than it was a year ago???? That's a hard one...in many ways I would say yes, but yet even at 5 1/2 months pregnant, the 4 1/2 pounds that I've gained are still difficult and it's hard for my to not jump off the scale and watch every bite I take in complete and utter disgust. It seems that the line between being an over eater and being a fanatical weight watcher is getting thinner and thinner.
There was a time when I would have said that the people around me were my worst critics... but that has definitely changed I have realized that yes their comments were harmful to me and might have even exposed me to the news that I was heavier than the other kids, but it was me who turned their comments into a minute by minute battle within myself. If I continue to put the blame on them...I'll never really be able to have the control. And isn't that what I'm really searching for???? Whether I'm controlling myself by eating a snickers bar under my covers or looking up the calorie count of a restaurant menu before we go out to eat, it seems that what I'm really trying to feel is control. I have to say that's one of the most difficult parts about being pregnant... I really never have the control. Which could possibly put me in a tail spin when the baby comes and then my weight ends up being the only part of my life I can control...
I guess my conclusion is that this blog has saved my life! Not only in health, but by giving me the best gift ever and that is the line between my brain, my fingers, this keyboard, and you... Whether you are reading because you've known me my whole life and you find this window as a guilty pleasure or because you have no idea who the heck I am but maybe we share something beyond our place in this world. I thank you for listening and for your comments and for your good karma. And I hope one day to say that I have a good mixture of really healthy self love with a little bit of good old "body hate." I mean I wouldn't want to be plastic...
So to the next year....
xoxo chef a
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Friday, September 10, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Deep breaths
On the IPOD "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want" By: The Smiths
How is it possible that I could love a man so much yet be on such a different page regarding our child's name??
This question has unfortunately left me in tears for the better part of two day... I'm sure it is not the only thing...it is a mixture of hormones, pressure, and of course some body image issues all rolled up together...
But I'm pretty sure I've got a problem when it's midnight and I'm typing into "Google", "Is it normal to be crying so much at 5 months pregnant?"
This morning, crying was pretty much the first thing I did...I don't really know why I'm putting so much pressure on myself to find this perfect name that makes our entire family happy and that honors all the people we are supposed to... At first I thought that by honoring someone in my son's name it will somehow help him to remember the great men who came before him, but in realty our son will know the great men because we will take time to tell him stories about them. By using someone's name it is not like it somehow brings them back, but yet it still pulls at my heartstrings to not do it. Mike on the other hand thinks that our child deserves his own identity with no connection to anyone or anything (well except when we thought it was a girl because then all of the sudden "Sofia Vergara" sounded like a perfect name! Just kidding, kind of...). The hard part is that I do want my child to have his own identity, but I think there can be a compromise. I guess we will see what happens...
I'm going to try to de-stress myself at Nia this morning and hopefully gain some sort of peace regarding all things baby. As far as I'm concerned the only thing that might make me feel better is a really nice dinner... Maybe my husband will get the hint! Until Nia I plan to mope on the couch with my favorite blanket and eat some cereal.
Until tomorrow...
Xoxo chef a
How is it possible that I could love a man so much yet be on such a different page regarding our child's name??
This question has unfortunately left me in tears for the better part of two day... I'm sure it is not the only thing...it is a mixture of hormones, pressure, and of course some body image issues all rolled up together...
But I'm pretty sure I've got a problem when it's midnight and I'm typing into "Google", "Is it normal to be crying so much at 5 months pregnant?"
This morning, crying was pretty much the first thing I did...I don't really know why I'm putting so much pressure on myself to find this perfect name that makes our entire family happy and that honors all the people we are supposed to... At first I thought that by honoring someone in my son's name it will somehow help him to remember the great men who came before him, but in realty our son will know the great men because we will take time to tell him stories about them. By using someone's name it is not like it somehow brings them back, but yet it still pulls at my heartstrings to not do it. Mike on the other hand thinks that our child deserves his own identity with no connection to anyone or anything (well except when we thought it was a girl because then all of the sudden "Sofia Vergara" sounded like a perfect name! Just kidding, kind of...). The hard part is that I do want my child to have his own identity, but I think there can be a compromise. I guess we will see what happens...
I'm going to try to de-stress myself at Nia this morning and hopefully gain some sort of peace regarding all things baby. As far as I'm concerned the only thing that might make me feel better is a really nice dinner... Maybe my husband will get the hint! Until Nia I plan to mope on the couch with my favorite blanket and eat some cereal.
Until tomorrow...
Xoxo chef a
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Calm Before The Storm
On the IPOD "Lift Me Up" By: Christina Aguilera
Well I just got home from Austin, we stayed with my brother Andrew, at his new house which is awesome and had a really nice time. I have to say that the news from Friday was a tad bit shocking especially since it was a last minute decision to go in to get a special sonogram to check the babies organs on our way out of town. I had scheduled the visit a long time ago before I knew that I was going to get a sono at my doctors last week... When I got there the baby was not cooperating and I was going from side to side just to see if we could get a glimpse. The tech finally saw what she thought are boy parts but could not give me a definite answer just saying that if I were to ask her she would say a boy. I think I left more confused than anything else. It really took me the weekend to wrap my brain around calling him a he instead of a she. Sunday night my doctor looked at the sonogram and told me that he felt it was a tad bit inconclusive since I came in so early at 18 weeks 6 days and that he really wanted to scan me again in two weeks to make sure that what they saw wasn't a shadow since the baby had his knees locked... I'm going with a boy though, it is what I have felt from the beginning and it just feels right, but I guess this is what I get for being in such a rush to find out and for trying to control the situation!
Of course we are thrilled either way and although little girls are really fun to dress there is nothing like a sweet little boy especially the only little boy in an Italian family that will carry on the family name! For everything that we have been through to get here I'm just over the moon that it is a healthy baby!
Austin was great with the exception of Sunday morning when I had a bout with the morning sickness fairy. Who knows why, I haven't been sick in a couple of weeks but obviously something didn't agree with me and I was extremely tired and hot... We headed home soon after that and I took a much needed nap the whole way home.
This week is insane, everybody is home from vacation and all the kids are starting school which means that my days of hanging out in the afternoons are over for the most part. Before I know it there will be holiday music in all of the stores and parties on every weekend. I have to admit that I love it though... I love being busy and it is actually easier for me to focus on work when I have more of it, if you know what I mean!
Thank you all for your sweet calls, emails, and messages about the boy news. We are really excited either way and although lots of you commented on twins...let's not get ahead of ourselves! I will let you know when I know or maybe it will just be a surprise in January, I guess I will just have to let the control go for awhile and just enjoy the fact that there is a tiny miracle growing inside of me.
xoxo chef a
Well I just got home from Austin, we stayed with my brother Andrew, at his new house which is awesome and had a really nice time. I have to say that the news from Friday was a tad bit shocking especially since it was a last minute decision to go in to get a special sonogram to check the babies organs on our way out of town. I had scheduled the visit a long time ago before I knew that I was going to get a sono at my doctors last week... When I got there the baby was not cooperating and I was going from side to side just to see if we could get a glimpse. The tech finally saw what she thought are boy parts but could not give me a definite answer just saying that if I were to ask her she would say a boy. I think I left more confused than anything else. It really took me the weekend to wrap my brain around calling him a he instead of a she. Sunday night my doctor looked at the sonogram and told me that he felt it was a tad bit inconclusive since I came in so early at 18 weeks 6 days and that he really wanted to scan me again in two weeks to make sure that what they saw wasn't a shadow since the baby had his knees locked... I'm going with a boy though, it is what I have felt from the beginning and it just feels right, but I guess this is what I get for being in such a rush to find out and for trying to control the situation!
Of course we are thrilled either way and although little girls are really fun to dress there is nothing like a sweet little boy especially the only little boy in an Italian family that will carry on the family name! For everything that we have been through to get here I'm just over the moon that it is a healthy baby!
Austin was great with the exception of Sunday morning when I had a bout with the morning sickness fairy. Who knows why, I haven't been sick in a couple of weeks but obviously something didn't agree with me and I was extremely tired and hot... We headed home soon after that and I took a much needed nap the whole way home.
This week is insane, everybody is home from vacation and all the kids are starting school which means that my days of hanging out in the afternoons are over for the most part. Before I know it there will be holiday music in all of the stores and parties on every weekend. I have to admit that I love it though... I love being busy and it is actually easier for me to focus on work when I have more of it, if you know what I mean!
Thank you all for your sweet calls, emails, and messages about the boy news. We are really excited either way and although lots of you commented on twins...let's not get ahead of ourselves! I will let you know when I know or maybe it will just be a surprise in January, I guess I will just have to let the control go for awhile and just enjoy the fact that there is a tiny miracle growing inside of me.
xoxo chef a
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