What's For Lunch...

On the ipod "My Heart Is Open (feat. Gwen Stefani)" By: Maroon 5

So there has been a lot of chatter about Levi's school lunches... So I wanted to answer some questions, post a couple of recipes and explain how easy it is to do this yourself... if you want to.

About three years ago we started packing Levi's lunches in a planetbox lunch box for various reasons, so to answer the first question why a planetbox?

#1 I have a strong belief that food is extremely visual. The planetbox is pretty.  Not pretty because its has the best characters on the outside but pretty because it is neaust because it is in it!

#2 Because of all of the small compartments it forces me to give Levi a myriad of choices. The outside cover also holds his water and mid morning snack. As to not waste valuable lunch space!

#3 I also love the fact that the planetbox can be washed in the dishwasher and that it has held up well for three years and still looks almost brand new.

How do I cut out all of the cute shapes?

I use mostly metal cookie cutters that I have collected over the years in addition to some Japanese garnishing tools that date back to culinary school. You can find mini cookie cutters in various places... cake decorating stores, craft stores and even online although amazon should be ashamed for selling mini metal cookie cutters for $5 dollars each! (btw I would never pay that)  Some shapes I do cut by hand but not that many.

How long does it take me to make is lunch?

While I'm flattered that some of you think I stay up all night doing these, the true is on average they take about 5-10 minutes prep time.  But I do think about them all of the time. I try to make lunches that interest him.  He loves fish, tornados, whirlpools, car washes, volcanos.  In school they are studying about fruits and focusing a lot on letters and words so I really try to bring all of those elements into his lunch.

Does he eat all of the food?

It depends. he's three. I made him a jello pond with apricot fish in it..."he told me he couldn't eat it because the fish were swimming!" Will I try it again...absolutely!  Levi eats a lot of stuff that most kids wont.  He has woken up in the middle of the night and asked for an English cucumber and actually ate the entire thing... He has also been exposed to a lot of different kinds of food...its sort of the plus to being a chef's son.  He is not into sugar unless its a sour patch kid or a soda.  He threw up the last time he ate a cupcake, but every once in a while he will eat cake with no icing.  I usually don't order a standard kid menu item for him at a restaurant because honestly how can I expect him to try new foods if every time we go out he eats chicken nuggets and these days it doesn't matter if we go to Amercian, Mexican or Chinese the kids menu is almost identical...  Actually don't even get me started on chicken nuggets because I think they are the downfall of American cuisine.. Im not against a piece of fried chicken or even a chicken tender but the formed nuggets are just unfortunate. And honestly if restaurant chef's decided to get just a little more creative and realize that the children eating at their restaurants will one day be adult patrons, maybe we wouldn't see the same stale kids menu... I digress.... So he eats most of the food but does leave some.  Most parents introduce foods to their child once... If they refuse it, the parent doesn't send it again. Most children, most adults actually are not crazy about something the first time they see it.... I'm not saying to send your kid with a lunchbox full of stuff they dont eat... Instead maybe send a couple of new things a week. Make it different ways, spice it up!

Do I do this to show off? 

Ha! No if showing off was using cookie cutters then I really don't get paid enough!  I work alot... And not just away from the home... I have to tell my boys I'm working even sometimes when I'm with them. I work on most holidays and my work doesn't ever really end... That is really hard to understand when you are three.  So making great exciting lunches for him is honestly a great way for him to have a constant everyday reminder that even if its at 530 am and he is still sleeping... I am thinking about him and taking time to do something for him. And I enjoy it! Food should be fun when you are 3! Actually food should always be fun... Why not?  I hear from friends and clients everyday that lunches are a beating so if by me posting pictures even just helps a couple of moms with ideas then it is totally worth it!

Can I have the recipes? 

If it is something that I'm making for my kiddos, absolutely. There are some proprietary recipes that I use for work but most of the time I'm pretty open :) so the much requested veggie chili recipe is here!

Veggie chili

1 Tb olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
2-3 cloves garlic, chopped
2 mixed (red, yellow, orange) peppers, diced and completely optional
2 -15 oz cans chili beans, not drained
2 -15 oz cans navy beans, drained
2 -15 oz cans black beans, drained
2 -15 oz can pinto or kidney beans, drained
2 -15 1/2 oz can petit diced tomatoes, not drained
3 tablespoons chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp oregano
Salt and pepper to taste
Cayenne pepper to taste

In a soup pot bring oil up to smoking add onions and peppers, sauté until slightly soft. Add the garlic and continue cooking over medium high heat for 1 min. Add all of the beans and tomatoes and the chili powder, cumin and oregano. Reduce heat to medium low. Continue to simmer for about 10-12 minutes or until flavors meld and a nice rich sauce develops. Serve with cheese and chips. You can also top with fresh guacamole and/or sour cream

 

xoxo chef a

In the blink of an eye...

On the iPod  "Wonderful Unknown" by: Ingrid Michaelson

So here I am staring into the video monitor looking for breaths... Luca has been asleep since 7:30 tonight, he has slept through the last three nights by some miracle, but tonight I wouldn't mind a midnight wake up call because today was one of the scariest days I have had as a parent...

Luca and Levi slept awesome last night, they both woke up in good moods and we were excited to spend some quality time with friends, who we love dearly.  I dropped the boys off at my moms and ran to an appointment.  Luca took his early nap right when I wanted him to and by the time I got back to my moms both boys were ready to go to our play date....

The play date started great... The kids were playing wonderfully together.  The moms were catching up when in the blink of an eye everything changed...

Luca turned around from a high table right next to us and in a split second I saw a Tide laundry detergent pod hanging from his lips... My heart hit the floor... I grabbed the pod so quickly from his mouth that I for sure scared the living day lights out of him. I rushed him to the kitchen sink where I tried to remove as much soap from his mouth as I could... I can not even explain to you the amount of bubbles that were spewing from his mouth. He was hysterical, I was hysterical, actually everyone was hysterical.  Well except Levi... Levi seemed to be the only one who probably was so scared by the way we were acting he just kept to himself and played quietly... Luca was visibly gagging at this point and even threw up either because the soap was so thick and tasted horrible or possibly because we were trying to clear out his mouth the best we could and gagged him with our fingers.   I decided to call 911 because he was making weird gagging gasping sounds and I was worried about his breathing. 

Within 3-4 minutes the paramedics had arrived and luca was already starting to act like a normal 8 month old. The first thing they asked for was the box the detergent came out of.  On the back of most cleaning supplies there are instructions on what to do if ingested... I actually knew this from baby first aid class but remembering when your kid is in distress is actually quite difficult.  The instructions were clear, "do not induce vomiting" " drink a full glass of water or milk and call poison control!"  They also asked to see the package of soap that he had ingested... luckily,  luca had not broken into the stain remover part of the pod which is actually more harmful but instead had just ingested the soap part.  

So I gave him a bottle and the paramedics assured me he was fine. (I ended up calling poison control and "Debbie" (the R.N. on call) and I became best buds... She even ended up calling to check on him later in the day) 

Things I've learned from today... 

It doesn't matter how careful you are there can always be accidents....

Kids are completely different... Levi never put anything in his mouth... Luca puts everything into his mouth. 

If your child ever accidentally ingests a chemical. Look on the back of the package first to see what to do.

Have the poison control number on your phone. There is no reason to not have this number on your phone! When we were growing up my mom always had a list of chemicals inside the door of the medicine cabinet with the poison control number on it! Maybe things were easier in the 70s when we used paper! 

Update:  It has been a couple of days and luckily my sweet baby is completely fine. Still sleeping through the night... And I have calmed down to watching him breathe only a couple of times at night :). We feel extremely lucky! 

On the blog tomorrow school lunches.... And recipes! 

xoxo chef a

Life...

On the iPod "When I Go" by: Over The Rhine

I feel like I'm ripping a scab off if that makes sense. I've started this blog post three times about other things but it all just seems a bit too surface or rather guarded and well, that's just not me. So here goes nothing...

I work a lot... Taking care of other people's families... Being a chef is just my everyday title but in truth I am part of these families.  Most of them know me like they would know their best friends... And I know them pretty much the same. I cook their meals, arrange their pantries, help them with computer problems, kid problems, housekeeper problems, nanny problems, family problems and even a couple high school math problems. I have been with most of them for almost 8 years and even as long as 15 years. And I absolutely love what I do...

But I'm not going to lie it is painfully hard sometimes. I started working these hours when I was a baby "20 year old".  I used to be able to party to the wee hours of the morning and still be at the grocery store by 7 AM and not even blink an eye. I don't even know what people do till the wee hours in the morning anymore. Please don't take this the wrong way because I love my boys more than anything in the world and I wouldn't give up being a mom for a million trillion gazillion dollars. But do I miss it...my old life...

Sometimes I feel like a rubber band being pulled in 500 different ways and I think to myself... When am I just going to break?  It seems like I have "to do" lists coming out of my ears.  Mike actually came home last week to find me sitting on the couch with the laptop in a chair (being used as a table, mind you) and he asked what I was doing... When I looked down I realized that I was typing nonsense into the log on screen because the computer had kicked me out since I had been idle for too long. In actuality I had fallen asleep completely sitting up while typing and when mike walked in I must have gotten startled and started typing again half asleep... When I realized what time it was, I literally had a 15 minute conversation in my head about whether or not it was even worth it to go to bed because if I did the baby would surely wake up soon and if I just sucked it up and stayed awake he would for sure sleep through! Just to #^%* with me!  And I know all of you mom likes will say "This too shall pass..." But right now it sucks a little...

So I guess at 11:33 pm on Monday night on September 8th, 2014 exactly 5 years since my very first post on this blog I can honestly say that I miss nia, I miss Thursday night karaoke at Meridian Room, I miss long baths without hot wheels cars driving into the water, I miss going to the bathroom alone, I miss afternoon cocktails at Snookies with my girls, I miss alone time with my husband without the fear of doors flying open or babies crying, and I miss being able to call in "rich" and do nothing for the day...wait never mind that last one was never in my life... I don't really miss my "old life" and more than anything I would miss this life more...well except for the more alone time with my husband part :-)

Goodnight... here's hoping for a little bit of balance in everyone's life...
xoxo chef a

I'm so sorry you are hurt, here's a cookie...

On the ipod "Brave" by: Sara Bareilles

So here I am again... Last Friday after I dropped Levi off at school, I walked through the lower school to get to the school store. As I was walking, there was a slightly chubby girl about 9 years old hysterically crying and holding onto her mom. She was pulling out the big guns, "Mom, don't leave...I love you...please, please don't leave me here!" Oddly enough I was this girl...I was 9 once upon a time and had awful separation anxiety, I'm actually not sure how my mom survived it! But what this little girl's mom said in response to her is what really struck me. As I turned the corner I heard these words, "Honey, if you just stop crying and go in I will get you ice cream right after school."


I kept walking so I really cant tell you how it ended, but what I can say is those words stuck with me all day... It's not that I think the mom is a bad mom or that by her using sweets as a reward she is trying to screw her kid up, but the reason it hit me so hard is because I was that little girl and in some ways I still am. I joke with my family and friends that I can come up with a reason everyday why I deserve a treat. Something special to make me feel special I guess... It goes back to this..."Oh, you scraped you knee sweetie, here's a cookie!"

I'm by no means trying to call this woman out. I do the same thing its just Levi's bargaining tool is the Ipad. The kid could watch YouTube videos all day! I am fortunate that Levi doesn't have the same food issues I have... But listening to the mother/daughter exchange and then really thinking about my relationship with food and well Levi's relationship with the ipad, I couldn't help but think... what is it that we are all really looking for?.

What do we really need when we are finding comfort in say... anything. How could my relationship with my kids change if instead of giving them a cookie or an ipad, I gave them my time. Real time...the kind that doesn't include cell phones or TV...or grilled cheese and cupcakes. But instead just me... maybe we will just talk or maybe we will build the highest tower... the possibilities are endless. I don't really know if its the answer but I know too well that the ice cream after school won't really make the little girl any braver and in actuality it might lead to the biggest weakness of her life.

xoxo chef a

I like the way you work it...

On the iPod "No Diggity" By: Blackstreet 10:03 pm Friday night... Levi is having a sleepover at BeBe's house, Mike is still at work , Luca is asleep in his bed and I am dancing like i just don't care to "No Diggity" Oh my have the times changed... I remember when I started this blog... Mike and I were newly married, we were waiting for our new mid rise apartment to be ready and we were living out of boxes in an interim apartment. My biggest worry was whether I was going to write a blog post before I worked out or after. 2 kids later and a house in my childhood neighborhood, here I am 14 months since my last post. I've wanted to start writing again for awhile but life happens and hours turn into days and days into weeks and so on... But here I am... Levi started school two weeks ago at a private school that I attended at one of the most difficult times in my life- ages 12-14. At first, I was very hesitant to send him there... Although I do have some good memories and even a few close friendships, in general, it was a pretty painful place for me. Not one in which I was just dying to relive. But Levi is 3 1/2 not 12 and they are my demons not his... Not sure where this blog will take us this time, just know I miss it... Feel free to light a fire under my ass if I don't keep up with writing... For those of you who are new here.. Feel free to start at the beginning, you will learn more about me than you might have wanted to! Xoxo chef a

Soundtracks

On the iPod "A life that's good (feat. Lennon and Maisy)" As I sit here contemplating life, less than seven weeks before we welcome our second baby boy Luca into the world, I can only be grateful...grateful for the life that we have now and for the life that is yet to come for us... I remember how ready I was for Levi to be born... Bags were packed weeks before... Newborn diapers lined up in perfect form on the changing table... And a nursery set up for a little prince... Lol, I wish I had that kind of time now... It's just so different! I'm sure it will all get done in time or at least most of it... But for now the most important thing for me to do is create a "luca" playlist... 3 years ago when other expectant moms were making a labor playlist, I was creating a playlist that my new son would live the first moments of his life to... Songs that reminded me of my own childhood, songs that reminded me of my dad, and songs that put into words the love I have for my husband and that I knew I would have for him. From the moment I created the playlist, Levi heard these songs... On our longest days and nights together the songs brought us both a certain amount of peace and security. And even today Levi stills listens to his playlist everyday. And if he is having a rough morning, it's the first thing I turn on. So although I want to use some of the same songs again... I feel like Luca deserves his own soundtrack. Songs that taught me about love and about life... Songs that helped me through the darker times and songs that are absolute pure joy. Hopefully both of my boys will have the same love of music that their father and I have. I have started their soundtracks, but it will be up to them to continue it... To find the notes and words that move them to do great things... To become the great men I know they are destined to be... Xoxo chef a

Full Cleanse

On the iPod "The a Team" By: Ed Sheeran 

 By now most of you know that I lost the baby at the beginning of last week. It was unlike my first miscarriage in that we had seen and heard the baby's heartbeat on more than one occasion and I had watched the baby move and grow and we had somehow already become a family of four.   I'm not exactly sure which one was more devastating... The first because there was the lingering fear of not being able to ever carry a baby to term and this one because, well...I had seen a live baby on the sonogram... They both were devastating. I'm scheduled to have some testing in a few weeks since this is my third miscarriage in four pregnancies, so we will either get an answer and will deal with that when it comes or we will just realize that this baby was not meant to be and hopefully the next one is. And I will do my best to not blame myself... I'm an over-analyzer by nature... It has something to do with my ADD and OCD, lol! The two of them together make for a great pair. So of course since this has happened I have spent countless hours on the internet (where all things are true... right?!?) I have read article after article about cleansing your surroundings... But I've done all that... Mike and I were lucky enough to find the most perfect house this summer and after we closed on it the first thing I did was cleanse the house... Don't laugh! My nia besties and I ran around this house chanting and carrying sage sticks. We tried to get all of the bad juju out and no we weren't high, although maybe that was the missing link lol! I have read all about feng shui and luckily Mike and I have the same directions so everything is pointed the right way and our doors are clear and open. The only thing not feng shui about this house is that we have a tv in the bedroom but honestly not having one is just pure madness, how would we DVR everything?!? We have spent the last year getting our relationship to this amazing point where we respect each other and we really listen and talk which listen after 15 years as well as starting out at 18 years old is a miracle in itself. I have a strict no phone call policy after Mike gets home from work (much to the chagrin of my clients!), Levi starts his night in his bed every night...im not saying he never ends up in our bed... but we really make it a priority to go to sleep as a duo, and we really try to make as much time for each other as we possibly can with a two year old (thanks to my mom the resident babysitter!) But after reading almost every online article, blog, and typed word about changing your karma, I realized one huge piece of the puzzle that I am missing... Love your enemy... Ugh! Not sure I can do that... When I read more about it I realized that it is not about really loving or embracing your enemy but more about liberating yourself... It is the realization that by forgiving someone you are by no means letting them back into your life... But in truth you are releasing them for good... But the question comes to mind... How do you forgive someone who has yet to ask for your forgiveness and actually seems as if they have no remorse for their actions... Someone who is very public about their transgressions as if they are proud of themselves... Someone who used your own friendship as a weapon? Obviously I have some hurt feelings about this.... But that is the unfortunate thing... My enemy's karma is effecting my own because I have chosen to let a hate so deep poison my own life... So while I cleansed my home and my marriage, I forgot to cleans the most important thing... My heart.... So here the journey starts... "visualize that the person that you are having difficulty with is sitting across from you. They are not allowed to speak to you or touch you without your permission or an invitation to do so. As clearly as you can, tell them your truth. Tell them about your anger, your pain, the hurt that you feel. Try not to blame them or to make them wrong, but to offer them the gift of your truth. Stay as centered on your own feelings and pain as you can. Say everything you need to say, leaving nothing back. Then recite the following prayer, beginning with their full name: ________, I forgive you for any pain that you have ever brought to me in this life or in any other life, whether real or imagined, deliberate or unintentional. I ask that you, _______, forgive me for any hurt that I have ever brought to you, in this life or in any other life, whether real or imagined, deliberate or unintentional. I bless you, I release you to God's care and keeping, and I set us both free. " I will do this everyday until I forget to do it and then I will be set free... Because this amount of hate should not live in anyone and believe me is not a place that I want my baby to grow in... Xoxo chef a

Regret...

On the IPOD , "Me, Myself, and I" By: Beyonce Do you ever read someone's post on Facebook or Pinterest only to think to yourself... "I wish you were as smart as you think the quotes are that you're posting on your page?"  Well that's what I have been thinking lately... Listen I enjoy the funny, smart alec, or even sentimental comments, pictures and quotes as much as you do, but I dont like, understand, or condone the self entitled bullshit that spews from the mouths of people my age who in some way or another have yet to grow up in the last 30 years.  Let's take for example my least favorite glittery quote from MySpace circa 2003, which happens to be popping up all over pinterest like it was something new... "No Regrets!"  Whether the actual quote says it in two words or ten, the whole philosophy behind the quote is childish, selfish and just plain dumb. To say you should live your life without regrets is like saying you should live your life without joy... Having regrets make you real... They make you accountable for your actions... They make you appreciate the good choices you make and most of all they teach you who you are and more importantly who you want to be. My social generation is so wrapped up in the belief that we are all owed more than what our parents have that some of us easily miss the point of it all.  Some of us grew up completely over scheduled with strange emphasis placed on being active in certain things because it looked good on college applications and with the false idea that you should go about any means necessary to get what you want, whether you have to lie, cheat or steal because money and material things make you happy... Right? Well let me assure you they don't!  You are the key to your own happiness... It doesn't come from your spouse, parents, children, friends or your job. It comes from within... You have to choose to be happy! I have been working since I was a kid. I'm by no means saying that I haven't lived a privileged life because I have, but it has been instilled in me that working hard for something just feels better than having it all handed to you!  I have also made some terrible mistakes over the last 33 years and I regret them! And you know what... I'll never make them again that's for sure!  Saying that you live your life with no regrets is either saying you have never ever made a bad choice or it's saying you have made bad choices that have hurt yourself or the people around you but you are indeed so self entitled that you have no remorse for them. Either way it's not something I would brag about on the latest social networking site... So I guess what I'm saying is the next time one of your "friends" posts some dumb quote like, "do whatever you want, no regrets!" ... It might be smart to question what it is they are so not regretful of before you hit the "like" button! Just saying... xoxo chef a 

Running Away...

On the IPOD "Dynamite" By: Taio Cruz It's almost 10 pm and I'm laying in bed thinking about running... Mike is asleep next to me and Levi is fast asleep in his crib and I'm contemplating getting dressed and putting on running shoes... Who the hell am I?  I could be really deep and wonder if my desire to run this late has anything to do with something deeper, maybe even something I don't necessarily want to deal with but instead I'm going to focus on the positive and think that obviously its the endorphins that I'm searching for now or every other second of the day... You should know that I don't run very fast or go very far....yet...., but I've been told that I'm naturally good at it... Who would have ever thought that? Supposedly, I'm a very quiet runner, meaning that you can't hear me from a mile away which in actuality is good on three accounts... One being that it is much better for my joints, two being that supposedly I naturally have good form and three being that I might have a future as a secret spy detective lol! Hey at this point I'm keeping all of my options open... About a year ago my amazing friend Jennifer explained to me what running has done for her... She said that running has given her a place to let things go... She has metaphorically dropped her issues/worries/hurt to the ground almost as if she is sort of breaking free from herself.  Don't get me wrong,  I always knew what she meant but now I really get it... I feel it...and I crave it... I love the feeling of pushing through that moment when you feel like you can't go any further and even better when you sit down after a good run and your legs are actually twitching from the excitement. But more importantly the best thing about running is that you can do it anywhere... Over the last two weeks I've been slammed at work and then out of town for a week (Btw first trip ever in my life that I decided to pack 2 pairs of running shoes just in case i was up against different terrain lol!) but running still fit in. Whether it was 5 am or 9 pm and whether I had a baby sitter or not... The path is there waiting for me to forget about everything that is my head and to just move on one step at a time... Xoxo chef a

Bringing It Matrix Style

On the IPOD "I'll Be Missing You" By: Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans and 112

Not that it should all be about the numbers but for the record since January 21st I have lost a whopping 45 pounds and since I started working out with Shawn on Friday February 17th I have lost 24 pounds. And I have also gained serious muscles so in reality the actual amount of fat that I've lost is probably even higher. What is more important than any amount of weightloss though is the amount of inner strength I feel from just getting up in the morning and being present in my self. Whether I'm busting my butt to Nia on a Saturday morning, going on a 4 mile walk/run in the afternoon, gritting my teeth in the gym after a full day of clients, or hardest of all standing in front of the refrigerator contemplating what to eat. Through it all I have decided to be present in my own body.

I'm by no means saying that i don't have my moments of weakness.... Last night while I was rocking Levi I ended up in tears... I'm not exactly sure why... I'm sure it's a mixture of everything, but on another note I'm happy to report that Levi has been sleeping through the night in his own bed for over a week now (this is a small miracle in our house and it only took us 14 1/2 months!). But crying sometimes just feels right if you know what I mean!

So I'm going to talk a little bit about the joys of working out, lol, never thought I'd say that! Ive come to appreciate gritting my teeth and pushing though, whether it is running when I just cant do it anymore or getting through that 12th rep on the shoulder press, there is something joyful about using everything I have to get through it. I first felt the joy when I noticed shawn's face when he saw me grit my teeth, he couldnt have been more happy that I was pushing myself. Now it's like an inside joke...but what's funny is that what started out as a joke in the gym has become like my drug of choice. Now all I want is the grit, it almost feels like I'm not getting enough out of life without feeling my jaw tense up.

Nia is based in martial arts so sometimes we focus on jabs, cross checking and upper cuts... Over the past few weeks, I have come to love this part of class ( it might have to do what the fact that a certain somebody has become the focus of my angst). Anyways on Thursday let's just say my focus was on and I went all matrix on her imaginary ass, lol. I closed my eyes gritted my teeth... Shawn was on one shoulder, Jule was on the other and fire was in my belly, and it was amazing! And better yet I'm planning on going all matrix on somebody's ass again today so watch out suckers lol!

Xoxo chef a

More and Enough

On the IPAD  " I Won't Give Up" By: Jason Mraz

 I wish I even had the words to write everything on my mind but it's just a mess up there... Levi has been fighting RSV for the last 10 days and it's been awful.  Of all of the wonderful things I could have passed down to my child he was lucky enough to get my asthmatic lungs, which is just not even fair! So we have been to a doctor literally everyday for the last week and have been doing breathing treatments nonstop and forcing all kinds of wonderful meds down his throat.  I mean it's been one complication after another from double ear infections to throwing up to refusing to eat and drink all together... I'm hoping he is finally over it, but I hate to even say those words aloud...

On another note I'm still the mess I was from the last post, although a skinnier version... I swear I've never worked out so much in my life. I'm even contemplating adding a boot camp to the weekly mix!  I will say that I'm a stronger mess this week... I'm actually seeing some value in myself which is an old friend who hasn't been around for awhile lol. 

What is funny is that in the past I could've easily given a friend advise on how to deal with the situations I'm in but being in it makes it totally different and much more complicated...  I think it's always easier to judge as an outsider... 

Anyways in Nia class with Jule recently we had an interesting focus...  It was the idea of more and enough... And it pretty much translates to all parts of life... I take it to mean that you push yourself until you reach that point of enough.  Let's take for example running... Running scares me... It's  very difficult to run with boobs and being overweight doesn't make things much easier.  So when my trainer Shawn told me we would be doing some running sprints a couple of weeks ago, I was like great I'm never going to make it... But I did. I'm not going to lie and say it left me wanting more... I definitely reached my point of enough back then, but this past Monday I ran for 5 minutes. And although that doesn't sound like much to you ... To me it's pretty freaking fantastic!  And more importantly it left me wanting more...

Unfortunately the idea of more and enough doesn't only translate to positive stuff,  it can also hit you below the belt... I'm fighting with more and enough right now... More doesn't always have to mean that you are wanting more... Sometimes you don't ask for it but it just keeps coming and then you have to find your white flag and raise it when you have reached enough... And sometimes when you think that even the idea of more is just too much...you still can't manage say enough... And what does that really say about you?  Lol don't answer that, it was purely a hypothetical question... 

 I guess the moral to this thought is that more and enough are always there, sometimes you are looking for them and sometimes you wish that you could just run away from them but at the end of the day we each have our little white flags you just have to be willing to be true to yourself and realize when enough is enough!

Xoxo chef a

Brick Wall

On the IPOD "You Belong To Me" By: Carla Bruni

Life is funny...just when you think you finally have it figured out, it comes back at you like a ton of bricks. I'm not really ready to even touch on the last month of my life, but I can admit that I was quite unaware of the amount of inner strength a person can have under so many layers of self hate. My therapist says that I have a broken friend picker...but I'm thinking that maybe I'm just sort of broken in general... but one thing is for sure, I definitely have found a new meaning for the word devastation.

So anyways here I am on a new journey... Ive decided that instead of curling into the fetal position on the floor, I'm going to instead be the best Amanda I can be!

About two weeks ago in the midst of my agony, my cousin, who I'm pretty sure is here as an undercover angel, said to me, "Amanda, don't take this the wrong way but I think you need to take care of you...Have you ever thought about trying out for "The Biggest Loser"?" My response was pretty quick, "Ah No, there is no way in hell that I'm gonna stand in front of the world on a scale in shorts and a sports bra!" And that was that I went home cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning with an idea...

So I texted her first thing..."I'm still not interested in going on the show but what about a trainer here in Dallas...Do you know of one?"

Within an hour a guy named Shawn Brown called me and we set up our first session. I'm not going to lie, I showed up two weeks ago scared, but within 5 minutes Shawn had me feeling completely comfortable. I think he could tell that he is dealing with someone who is pretty broken at the moment, so he reassured me that he is my partner in this and that he knows that this will not be a quick fix and that it is going to be hard for me, not just physically but emotionally too. We are meeting three times a week and I'm also going to my nia classes with Jule three times a week and taking a Barre class (which is brutal) on the weekend. Nia has always been my safe haven and it still is, there are days that I'm smiling the whole time and days where I have tears running down my face, but I'm surrounded by friends there and that makes it ok.

As far as eating...well I wasn't for awhile, but now I'm trying really hard to eat right and most importantly I'm writing everything down using an app called sparkpeople. It makes it sooo easy. In the last month I've probably lost somewhere around 30 pounds, but I'm not really counting I just want to feel good.

So that's all I have for the moment... I'm hoping to check in as often as I can...

xoxo chef a

4 years...

On the IPOD "Pictures" By: Benjamin Francis Leftwich

Here I sit at 3am January 7th once again... It's like we are old friends in a way... My mind goes back and forth, this days events still fresh as if they are just now happening, even four years later, like I'm sort of reliving them.  If I had only known four years ago at 3am that it would be the last time I would see my dad conscious maybe I would have done something different... Maybe I would've said all the things that I said the entire next day or maybe I would've just sat in the room with him instead of making my way back to bed...

After I throw my little pity party of regrets I then think of all that has happened in our family in the last four years... My brother Adam and Audra got married, we lost my Aunt Mickie and my Aunt Charlotte, Mike and I got married, We lost a baby ...then almost a year to the day ago We were given the best present in the world...Levi was born, we lost my granny 6 weeks later, and now Levi will be celebrating his first birthday tomorrow,  Adam and Audra are a month away from having a baby boy and my brother Andrew and Natalie are engaged... How could so much change in just four years?

It makes me miss him more... I wonder what he thinks if all of this... I know he is proud of us but I would be lying if I told you that knowing that was enough...

xoxo chef a

A Thanksgiving Wish

On the IPOD "Super Bass" by: Nicki Minaj

After an afternoon trying to make everyone happy planning our holidays this year, I checked in with Facebook and one of my friends Cindy Browning O'Donnell posted this:
"I have been asked why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I love this holiday b/c it is all about celebrating family, friends and food...it is about being grateful and expressing thanks...and there are no gifts involved and no religious groups singled out/ostracized/etc...to me, it is the one 'pure' holiday that remains. That's it in a nutshell....". 

Thank you Cindy for reminding me why it is that I love to cook for thanksgiving and why most of all I should give thanks for the right I am giving myself to celebrate all of the holidays in a way that makes my little family of three enjoy every bit of it. 

So in just over two weeks I will spend the morning doing something I have waited my entire life for... I will watch the Macy's thanksgiving day parade with my baby boy and we will bake pumpkin pies with my mom.
We will then make sure Tom the turkey is ready for his big day and set the table in the finest way. We will bundle up and head to the Marrone's for games and snacks. After that Levi will definitely need a nap, so he will rest while we drive to dallas for the second half. To the kitchen I will surely go while daddy and the uncles teach Levi how the basketball is thrown. We will gather all up at the end of the day and give thanks in our own special way. We will feast on turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce and hopefully noone will try to be the boss. We will tell stories and laugh and look all around and remember the ones who are looking down. I hope it all goes as smoothly as this but who am I kidding we can only wish. 

Xoxo chef a

Wipeout!

This is a picture of Levi and Kate at Gym Class (notice Levi's Batman costume with cape and his red nose...this is post wipeout!)

On the IPOD "Mockingbird" By: Carly Simon and James Taylor

So today started out great... Today was my first day off in forever. The High Holidays (most important Jewish holidays) are over and I'm finally back to the daily grind. It was nice waking up with no work responsibilities for a change. Anyways the plan was to take Levi to his gym class with his bestie Kate and then Tasha "Kate's mom" and I were going to treat ourselves to sushi for lunch.

Levi had a great morning...we slept in and cuddled with Daddy and then got up and played a little while I caught up on some DVRed sitcoms. We did our hair and got dressed and headed over to BeBe's house. Levi cuddled more with BeBe while I heated up some baby pancakes. Levi ate pancakes in bed with BeBe (I know nice habits I'm starting) while I packed his bag up. We loaded up in the car and headed to therapy...Levi fell asleep in the car and slept almost all the way through my appointment. My therapist fixed me for the week and we loaded back up and headed to gym. At this point I was feeling great...Levi had a great morning nap, I was sane again, and we were running ahead of schedule.

We got to gym a little early so we hung out in the car listened to great music and sang a little. Tasha and Kate were parked in front of us and to my amazement Kate also had a great morning nap. Could we be so lucky that everything was working out????

Ugh! This is when it all started....

12:05 Walk into the gym and put shoes and bags away

12:10 Gym Teacher lets us all in the room and I set Levi down on the mats

12:11 Levi crawls right to the foam stairs and crawls up with no help needed

12:12 Levi does an about face and literally jumps off the stairs past the gym mats and on to the rough carpeted floor face first!

12:13 Levi screams bloody murder as I watch his nose and forehead turn to a Rudolph shade of red

12:14 Levi calms down and heads straight for the stairs again...I quickly nip that in the bud and end up having to force him to sit in my lap.

12:15 Class begins

Class goes great although Levi's carpet burn seems to be getting more red by the minute...isn't bothering him as much as it is bothering me...

At this point we should have just gone home, but I'm obviously a masochist.

So we loaded the kids up and headed to the sushi restaurant across the street... Now just so you don't think we are completely insane. These are both restaurant kids...they have been going together their entire lives and up until today have always been perfect angels! Obviously when they were baby talking in class they came up with a terrible master plan!

So we walk in and the restaurant is nicely full but not crowded. They quickly seat us and we put the highchairs right next to each other on one side of the table in their usual spots! Within 2 minutes Levi drops a toy on the ground and when he looks for it he bangs his head right on the edge of the table. Of course he goes into full fledged "My life is over" mode, but I scooped him up and it quickly dissipated. Then if on cue Kate pipes up. Tasha breaks out the puffs and all is quiet again. We figure out our order while we both exclaim how thrilled we are to be out eating sushi. The babies are both playing nicely, but we are quickly running out of puffs. Just as the waiter sets down the salad and soup both of them start in...sort of taking turns...

This is a nightmare...Levi is screaming at the top of his lungs between each bite reminding me each time that I wasn't feeding him fast enough (on a good note he loves some sushi..He was all over that avocado roll like it was his b---h) while Kate is literally having an emotional meltdown next to him. We all look like we have been to hell and back...We're both apologizing to the tables around us while trying to stuff our faces between screams and cries and as they both finally pull it together I notice that we are both sweating, our hair is in our faces, and we are a far cry from covergirl ready. At this point there is really nothing to do except laugh or cry...thankfully this time we both laughed!

We payed our bill, tipping extra for the crime scene that we left under the table, and it seems as if we will all live to see another day...

Everybody is napping at our house sure hope its the same at Kate's house...

I don't know maybe work isn't so bad...just kidding I still wouldn't trade today for anything!!!!

But I sure hope they sleep tonight!

xoxo chef a

In a Funk...

On the IPOD "You Belong To Me" By: Carla Bruni

Im in a FUNK....It could be caused by lack of sleep or by stress or maybe I could even blame it on my hormones. But in reality it seems to be getting worse... I am definitely seeking comfort from food which as usual is just leaving me unsatsified and annoyed with myself. And lets just say my pre-pregnancy weight is still waiting for me...

I love being a mom so dont get me wrong but I am missing just being Amanda. I am no longer just Amanda...I'm Levi's mom. I get lots of questions like, "How is Levi? How is he sleeping? What does he do now?" I have lots of conversations about poop and sleeping through the night schools of thought. And I cant tell you the last time I actually took the time to enjoy my dinner without racing through it so that I could prepare for whatever Levi was going to do next... I am tired... it's true...Levi is not a sleeper... He has yet to every even come close to this sleeping through the night myth I hear other mom's discuss. He is everywhere and in to everything. Even when he wakes up in the middle of the night...I see him in the monitor inspecting his crib like he is devising an escape route. And in the middle of the night when I let him sleep in bed with us (which whatever, Im not going to lie it happens so all of the mom's who are looking down on me shaking your heads at my parenting methods, please remember that I'm a full time working mom and I don't always have the time or energy to let him cry it out!) he doesn't just wake up and snuggle, he wakes up crawls all around the bed and usually finds something to get into whether its poking one of us or finding a remote to play with. He is the epitome of a boy... In gym class yesterday he refused to sit in my lap like all of the other kids, nope Levi likes to be by himself in the middle of the room and when its parachute time and all the other kids are making thunder by hitting the floor, Levi is making thunder on some other kid's face (No Joke!) Although I do have to admit that he would have made his Uncle Adam very proud had he seen him go straight for the rock climbing plank and crawl it all by himself!! He is definitely not easy...but he is cute so that makes up for it!

Sorry I got on a Levi tangent.... anyways back to the issue at hand... I am not happy with myself. I am yet again completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I wish there was an easy fix...a pill I could take...at times I even wish I was strong willed enough to just stop eating, but I'm not. I wish that the food I eat would even fix the way I'm feeling at the time, but it doesn't... In truth it makes it worse...just a cycle of unhappiness with myself, then a burst of food joy, then regret, and then unhappiness again.

Let me stress again that being a mom is the most amazing experience I have ever had. I love Levi to the moon and back, but at the same time...it is an adjustment, there is no rule book, and I am definitely having a difficult time finding myself in all of this. I know it is just getting started again...they say that the first and the last five pounds are the hardest... maybe if I could just get through the first five...I mean honestly at this point I could care less about the last five!
Until tomorrow....

xoxo chef a

The Next Ten Years...

On the IPOD "Sweet Pea" By: Amos Lee

While talking to my MIL (Mom in law) last week she was telling me how my FIL and her did an exercise a short time ago where they both wrote down everything they want to do in the next 10 years and then they compared lists afterwards. So last week I told Mike that I really wanted to try it...mainly to see if ours were even close...

It was pretty easy for me actually...

I would like to have two more children for a total of 3...I know I'm crazy...

I would like to buy a house...it doesn't have to be our dream house but it has to be in a good school district and it has to have a great kitchen and a good bathtub.

I would like to have enough money to take a summer family vacation every year preferably on a beach.

I would like to still be cooking some but I would really like to be writing full time.

Surprise Surprise I would like to be skinny...or at least healthy

For that matter I would like all of our family members to be healthy as well.

I would like to spend some time overseas if possible...

I would like to be able to balance my time better so that when I'm off work...I'm really off work, because lately it seems as if I'm always answering client calls, emails, and texts even in the middle of the night.

I would like to continue to have date night once a week even if that means we have to actually pay someone to watch our kids... isn't that what family is for!

I would like for my kids to be kind, well rounded individuals who know how to set a table, cut their meat correctly, and can have a decent conversation with an adult. I hope they are not over-booked, educationally stressed, micro-managed spoiled brats!

The very last thing on my list was by far the most important...

Pretty much in 10 years the most important thing to me is that we are still happy...!


What do you want to do in the next 10 years?

xoxo chef a

Untitled...

On the IPOD "Don't let me Fall" By: Lenka

Well hello there strangers... The two weeks leading up until school starts are insane for me. I have some clients that seem to disappear in the summers and then are not exactly understanding when they get back in to town and I cant fit them in the second they call...they are also not understanding enough to pay me to keep their time slots...so I do what any other workaholic would do I fill their time slots and worry about the overbooking issue later. Well this week was later and I pretty much haven't even had time to watch "Real Housewives of New Jersey" (Only kidding I watched it in the middle of the night on Monday! Lol)

Anyways I'm not exactly sure why the blog thing has been hard for me lately... Well I mean I do have some reasons...finding time is an issue in general and then allowing myself the personal time is another part of it, but deeper than that I'm having a slightly more difficult time opening up lately. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I used to have the time to be one on one with my computer and now it seems as if I am never alone or if maybe the real issue is that I want people to hear me and to relate to me but sometimes I get responses that are more solutions on how to fix myself or even emails of pity. That is not what I'm looking for so in turn I think I have been guarded because I'm afraid of what I'll hear... but not writing is bothering me... I feel like I am in a boat with no paddles...

So, whether you like it or not I'm going to thread by thread, knot by knot... let it out. I would love to hear from you if you can relate or if you like or agree with what I am saying, but please know that I'm not asking for you to fix me...it's actually not about being fixed... it's about finding a home in me...a peace...with who I am, with who I could be, and with who I may never be.

So I will be back in the next 12 hours...I mean I have to write something before therapy tomorrow!

xoxo chef a

Here we go again...

On the IPOD "Modern Love" By: Matt Nathanson

So I've made a decision.... I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I just had a birthday on Thursday or maybe it was two weeks ago when I had a little bit of a pregnancy scare (and yes right now I would consider it to be a scare!), but whatever it was I have realized that I'm done!

I'm done carrying around this extra pregnancy weight. I have been back to my old ways of feeding my feeling and although I haven't really gained weight since Levi was born, I definitely haven't lost it either. The sad part about it is that I just really haven't felt like myself in awhile...I don't really think it is a postpartum thing...it's more of a stressed out, tired, horrible body image, really tired (yes I'm aware I repeated it), put yourself on the back burner and take care of the baby kind of thing. But I'm really not doing anyone any good... I'm not always my sunshine self, I do a lot of nodding my head while not listening to anything anyone is saying, I have even lost my witty retorts that should be able to calm me down when I'm faced with a "suckubus" (A suckubus is a term we use at our house to describe a person whether male or female who tries to suck the life out of you.) If you want someone to really show you if they are a suckubus, have a baby and you will find out quickly enough!

So anyways my plan is to start back slowly... First on my list is to work out every day whether it is Nia, the gym, the pool, or the Wii. Starting with working out always works better for me mainly because I have an emotional attachment to food so if I start a diet flat out I feel deprived which usually results in me cheating so instead of taking something away from myself I am going to give myself the gift of working out... it sounds silly, but I think it might work... let's hope so!

xoxo chef a

The Berry Family Part 2 UPDATE

Hi everyone, I just wanted to write a quick update on the Berry Family with a new link to donate and to discuss some upcoming events happening in the Dallas Area that I'm involved with...

This is an update on the story I told you about last Friday involving a family out of Houston. Both parents (Robin and Joshua Berry) were killed and all three children (Peter, Aaron, and Willa) were injured in a head on collision that happened July 2nd coming home from a family trip to Colorado. The boys are both paralysed from the waist down and also are dealing with other internal issues and will need long term health care. Willa is recovering from some broken bones but is doing remarkably well.

The boys have been making great strides and are now both sitting in upright wheelchairs. They will be going to Chicago's Shriner Hospital where there is an amazing Pediatric Spinal Injury Rehab for 6-8 weeks on Tuesday while their sister Willa will remain in Houston recovering with family and friends.

On Sunday July 24 there are two bake sales happening in Dallas that I will be baking for. Unfortunately I will be out of town with Levi that day but there will be lots of goodies to buy that will help support the Berry Kids!

The first one is at Kidville at Preston and Royal Shopping Center 6025 Royal Lane from 11:00am- 1:30pm there will be activities for the kiddos as well!

The second one is the same day at Campbell Green Splash Park (Campbell and Hillcrest) from 2-4 pm

There is a lot of information about the kids as well as other events taking place that you can be a part of on their facebook page.

Please donate there is a link on the left hand side of the page...no amount is too little!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Joshua-and-Robin-Berry-Childrens-Trust/160792453994481

xoxo chef a

The Berry Family

On the IPOD "Heartbeats" By: Jose Gonzalez

It is unfortunate that it takes horrible things to really realize how lucky we all are to still be here everyday.

I first heard about the Berry family when a very close family friend wrote on her page Sunday "Kiss ur spouse-hug ur kids! Life is so precious!" She happened to grow up with Robin Berry and had just heard of this terrible accident that has made almost everyone I know who knows about it stop in their tracks and say a little prayer.

The Berry's could be any of us... a young couple with 3 kids... While driving home from a wonderful family vacation in Colorado another car lost control and ran head-on into the Berry's minivan killing Josh and Robin instantly. The two boys ages 10 and 8 were left in critical condition requiring surgery for internal injuries and spinal issues. And the youngest 6 year old Willa was left with a broken ankle and wrist. The boys are going to need major physical therapy in Houston. There has been a fund set up through Congregation Beth Yeshurun in Houston. The link is

www.bethyeshurun.org/donations.php

The community has really pulled together for this family and there is an event tonight to light the shabbat candles in honor of the Berry Family at 8pm. We will be lighting the candles in Dallas tonight and I hope you will light them wherever you are.

If you would like to learn more about the Berry family there is alot of information as well as the links to the online funds at www.jhvonline.com

I pray that the Berry children will recover from this horrible accident both physically and emotionally and go on to make the world a better place in the face of such tragedy... my heart breaks for them.

xoxo chef a

Levi's Favorite Things

On the IPOD "Pachelbel's Canon in D Major" On this awesome instrumental album that I downloaded for Levi called "Canon Pachelbel"

I wanted to take some time to discuss Levi's favorite things or better said the wonderful exciting material goods that keep our household and restuarant experience happy...

#1 Levi's Thumb (I almost left this out but it really is his favorite thing!)

My little Levi is a thumb sucker... He loves his thumb so much that it is hard for him to not suck it even when he is taking his bottle. There are no other words to even explain his love for his thumb so I'm going to leave it at that!

#2 Happy Blankies

My little thumb sucker loves a blanket and I'm not going to lie...if he doesnt have one handy he will use a shirt (even if it is on you), a sock, a sheet or even a towel. But when he sees his Happy Blankie it is almost as if he is seeing the love of his life. His eyes get big and full of joy and excitement and his world is just a better place. This is my favorite baby gift to give... Levi was lucky enough to receive two happy blankies as gifts and I got him matching small versions to take with us on the go. The company was started by a seven year old who wanted to give back so when you buy a happy blankie you are buying 2, one ships to you or to the shipping address you provide and the other is shipped to a child at a charity (you or whoever receives the blanket enters the number on your blankets tag on the happy blankie website and then you pick a children's charity from the list they provide and the second blanket goes to a child there) These are truly the best blankets! They are soft and silky and everything you would want a blanket to be!

www.Happyblankie.com

#3 Sophie the giraffe

I hate to admit it but this $20 over-priced "dog" toy is completely worth it. We were also given this as a gift when Levi was first born and I thought it was the most rediculous toy... I mean $20 for a sweaky rubber toy that looks like you could buy it at petsmart! I told myself at the time that I would never buy one, but Oh how I was wrong... Levi loves Sophie! I'm not sure what it is about her maybe it's the food grade paint... but whatever it is he chews on her, he bangs her against tables, chairs, the floor and his own head for hours! One day last week we couldn't find her... I thought I searched everywhere and just as I was about to go out and buy a new one, she was found. But now I have gotten smart Sophie is sold in a double pack from Amazon and if you buy two you get them for the bargin price of $16.75 a piece...totally worth it though!

www.amazon.com/Vulli-Sophie-Giraffe-Teether-Set/dp/tags-on-product/B002VAISOM

#4 Fisher Price LUV U Zoo Jumperoo

It's funny that before Levi was born I was one of those woman who said, "well my house is not going to turn into baby central... I refuse to have every contraption..." I obviously should have kept my mouth shut! This is honestly the best contraption ever invented! Levi loves this thing and Mommy loves it too! It says you can keep them in it until they crawl out, I'm hoping that means until he is at least 2 years old. Its great exercise and he has learned so much in it. From jumping to turning himself around in the seat to hand/eye coordination it is a great buy! I tried many other brands as well as types of exersaucers and none of them even came close to comparing! We will definitely be keeping this for all of our kids to enjoy! My advise is use a 20% OFF COUPON and dont buy a cheaper brand, the real one is worth every penny!

www.buybuybaby.com/product.asp?MC=1&sku=17753681&

#5 Brilliant Basics "Poppity PoP" Dump Truck

Levi has both the dump truck and the train and we got them at walmart for $6 each! I have found that the smaller none battery powered toys are actually the best. Sometimes the bigger toys are over stimulating and Levi tends to get frustrated after awhile, but "dump truck" as we refer to him just seems to be the perfect shape and size.

http://www.amazon.com/Poppity-Pop-Vehicle-Dump-Truck/dp/B001AQE65S/ref=pd_sim_t_1

This is just a small list of Levi's favorite things... If you have any suggestions of great toys your little ones couldn't live without please feel free to comment them to me!

xoxo chef a

Support Groups AKA Playgroups

On the IPOD "Cathedrals" By: Jump Little Children

I am pulling double duty...I'm awake at 3:45 AM so I have decided to write a couple of posts. I am going to post them at different times so that you don't miss them but I would say that they will be online within 24 hours of each other so check back!

I would be lying if I said that I am completely focused on getting myself back on the track I was on BB(before baby). I do have a desire to be there again... I am just feeling a bit like I'm treading water and drowning at the same time... Even though I'm sure I was told "BB" that having a baby changes everything, I don't think I really understood that phrase. I didn't really realize that I would be actually teaching a baby how to learn, play, and survive the real world not just change diapers while trying to balance a marriage and a business. A friend of mine said at a playgroup this past week that... "The hardest thing about being a new parent is to learn how to fight for your marriage!" She couldn't be more right!

I have been in love with Mike for almost 14 years, we have survived major tragedies and wonderful celebrations but to be completely honest adjusting to a new baby is like learning how to love each other all over again. The reason I bring all of this up is because when this friend of mine made this amazing statement at playgroup I noticed that the rest of us let out this great sigh of relief. In this one moment we all realized that we were really not alone. And I realized that "playgroups" are really just another word for "support groups"! So my suggestion to all the new moms out there is to reach out to other new moms whether they are old friends or maybe you're just both in line at Buy Buy Baby because at the end of the day it might just save your marriage and your life!

It is interesting to me that having a baby also completely messes with your self image which I guess also adds to the stress of life. I really thought the hardest part was seeing my stomach grow during pregnancy but really I think its harder to deal with the aftermath. The new and unusual shape of my over pumped boobs and my lower tummy that now has a mind of its own. Lets not forget the hulk like strength I have in my arms from carrying the ridiculously heavy newborn carrier mixed with the lack of strength in my knees and back from picking up and holding Levi in odd positions all day long (you learn that even if you're completely uncomfortable...if the baby is comfortable than you just work through the pain!) So feeling the least bit sexy when everything hurts, you have spit up on your shoulder, you're extremely tired, you're moody, and not only have you been changing poopie diapers but you've also spent all day worrying about the color, texture and amount of poop makes for a very difficult challenge.

So I'm here to tell you that I've heard it gets better ;) ... So I'm going with that...I'm going to try to embrace the new "directions" (lol) my boobs point and the numbness I still have from them cutting me open to get this baby out and I'm going to do my best to wear perfume everyday to cover up the baby poop and formula smell (cause that's sexy right?) and I promise to take at least 30 minutes a day (hopefully more) to try to find myself again and I will do everything I can to fight for my marriage because I could not have picked a more wonderful man to share my life with. And it will get better....

xoxo chef a

"Breathe in Hope, Breathe out Love"

On the IPOD "Clementine" By: Sarah Jaffe

I have been wrestling with writing about this... because honestly it's not my story...but there are bits and pieces of it that I think are so important that I'm going to stray from my normal topics and set down what now is to be my next post entitled "Levi's Favorite Things (a guide to what has worked for my kid)"

A little less than a week ago my facebook page was blown up with old friends stating only "Breathe In Hope, Breathe Out Love" as their status. It is the mantra of an amazing guy I went to high school with and who happened to date a very good friend of mine for a short time. I have known for about a year that he has been fighting cancer although I was not only unaware of how bad it really was but I was also unaware that he was chronicling his fight for life in a blog. Funny that I spend a ridiculous amount of time on here but have never seen it...makes you really realize how many blogs are out there...

Anyways I searched for his blog and found it quite easily. As I read the latest post my heart sank...

"I'm not sure if this is my last posting but if it is I want to thank everyone whom has helped me along the way, everyone whom has become inspired to make a difference, and everyone whom has changed their own lives to better take advantage of life's little opportunities and tiny miracles. It's not a goodbye but more of a see you later. It's truly been and honor and privilege"

I have know cancer, we are not friends, but I have never encountered the type of fight and determination that Jeff had to fight it. My Dad might have fought it in his own way but it was definitely much quieter... Maybe its a generational thing, but looking back it seems as if my dad gave his cancer to the doctors to fix instead of really taking the bull by the horns, they said jump and he jumped. But I guess people are just different...

Jeff was 30, had been married less than two years, was just really getting into the stride of his life and poof what at first was thought to be a sports injury quickly turned into the fight of his life.

After I read Jeff's blog I felt the need to leave a comment,

"Jeff- We have never run in the same circle although we went to school together and therefore have many overlapping rings. But I felt the need to tell you how your blog has changed my life... Over the last year I have heard about your fight although nothing led me here until yesterday afternoon when I saw the remarkable amount of posts from Facebook friends just stating "breathe in hope, breathe out love." ... As I sat on the couch with my almost 5 month old son Levi right next to me I read from beginning to end the tales of your courageous fight... I held Levi's tiny hand the entire time sometimes holding tighter.... I have to admit at times my mind raced back and forth between feeling for you, for Autumn, for your parents... I questioned my role as a mother, as a wife, and at times as a friend. In less than 24 hours you have made me want to fight for each day of my life... You have made me want to live a better life.... be a better wife, to be a better mother, to be a better daughter, to love harder than I ever thought possible. Thank you for letting me in... Thank you for fighting with passion and dignity. And most of all thank you for your courageous vulnerability. My love to you and everyone in your circle.
Breathe in hope, breathe out love!
Amanda"

Jeff's fight is the most perfect example of taking responsibility for what life throws at you. I beg of you to read it...it will most definitely change your life...

Jeff lost his fight on Monday night, just two short days after what ended up being his final post. My heart goes out to his family and friends as they celebrate his life today.

You can find Jeff's blog at www.jeffsfightwithcancer.blogspot.com

"Breathe in Hope, Breathe out love"

xoxo chef a

What sparks my light?

On the IPOD "Hazy (Feat. William Fitzsimmons)" By: Rosi Golan

Can not even explain how happy I am to be able to sit at this computer, in this semi dark room, by myself, while baby Levi and Mike are napping in the bedroom!

I swear I'm trying to find the time to get everything done...I think what I need is a voice recorder because I write blogs in the car all day long...its just getting them actually written that is the problem....

I watch my fair amount of television including some talk shows but I would not really consider myself committed to any of them except maybe "Parenthood" and 'Modern Family". But I have been an Oprah fan. I have not seen every show nor have I ever really been on board with the various other speakers she has invented...ie: Dr. Phil (ya I went to school with his kid it's really hard for me to understand his parenting logic when his kid drove an extremely expensive first car and is now married to a playboy bunny), Dr. Oz, or Nate. But I have loved her honest approach to life and some of her her guests are downright amazing. So when the last episode aired I have to admit I was sitting in awe of what she has accomplished.

Two of her quotes have hit me to my core:

"There's a difference between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing that you are worthy of being happy."

"You have to know what sparks the light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world. You have the power to change somebody's life."

I have been feeling pulled in my life which I think is pretty normal with a new baby, but when Oprah said these words to me (because that's what it felt like) it set off a rush of emotions. Don't get me wrong I love to cook and I love my job but it is not sparking any lights right now that's for sure! I used to think that if I could do anything in the world well besides a mom cause that has always been in the cards.... I would be a singer/songwriter...but that ship sailed long ago...and now singing has turned into a personal release that happens during Levi's nightly song session, the occasional karaoke night, and the concert I put on in the car everyday. So besides being a Mom...what sparks my light?

Oddly enough... although you could probably never convince my high school English teachers...writing sparks my light...writing is what I want to do...writing makes me happy! Cooking makes me happy too but I think I'm just burnt out from cooking right now or maybe I'm just burnt out from cooking for my clients. All I know is that the days I sit down at this computer and the days I hear back from all of you...are just better days! So I guess the next step is to allow myself to believe that I am worthy of being happy. I'm not quiting my job or anything crazy like that...but I WILL BE A WRITER! (Funny that I accidentally hit the caps lock before writing that... no joke!)

So thank you Oprah for somehow giving me permission to find out what sparks my light and for saying that I'm worth it! And thank you all for letting me say it out loud.

xoxo chef a

To guilt or not to guilt!

On the IPOD "Nobody's Coming Around" By: Edwina Hayes

I have a case of some major Jewish guilt. If you are unaware of what Jewish guilt is... I will enlighten you...when I searched the Internet this is the most accurate definition I found...

"Jewish Guilt"

"Judaism's greatest weapon; often used by Jewish mothers; often ruins your plans for the night or sometimes, in extreme cases, your whole weekend. Uses mostly reverse psychology."

By the way I have recently discovered that there is this sort of guilt in every sect of people... movies and television just use the Jewish version more frequently...

Anyways I wish I could blame it on my mother but unfortunately I have become my own Jewish mother...

Let's start out by going over the things that I refuse to feel guilty about even though my own feelings about these things have been tested over the last few weeks.

#1 Moving out of our building and into a house
-for the record I'm happy in our building. I know we are not building equity, I know we don't have a back yard, I know that sometimes our upstairs neighbor sounds like she is dive bombing our ceiling, and I know that this arrangement will not work forever. But a house is not an option for us at the moment! We are still dealing with maternity bills (self employment = extremely terrible insurance benefits!) We have absolutely no free time as it is and I can’t even imagine having to do upkeep on a house every weekend. I refuse to give up our "expensive" date nights to save money because in my book they are worth it (in 20 years when our kids are all gone to college we will still have to look at each other so we might as well keep our relationship decently strong!) As far as outdoor space both of our parents have backyards and my kid is involved in so many play groups we will just keep his tricycle in the back of the car he will never know it's not his backyard! :) And at the end of the day, I'm perfectly content with our $80 electric bill, resort style pool, work out center, parking garage, and outdoor kitchen!

#2 What goes in my kid’s mouth
- Whether it’s a boob or a bottle... my kid will be fine!
I will on occasion give my child Tylenol, Motrin, mylicon, gripe water, and teething tablets and if you don't like it...bite me!
Levi will never eat bottled baby food, he will try every vegetable, fruit, and wholegrain and if I can help it we will never order off a kids menu. Why you ask... #1 BECAUSE I'M A CHEF! #2 Because there is no need to! #3 Because I have fought my weight my entire life and these guidelines just make sense to me! And for the record I know it's not how every mother feels and I know it was different when some of your kids were little, but my pediatrician and I are completely comfortable with my choices.

Here is what I do feel extreme amounts of guilt about...

Leaving Levi all day...
-Even though I know have to work and that I could not leave my child with a better person than my own mom. I still feel guilty not being there for every second of his life and for interrupting my mom's life even though she wouldn't have it any other way. I also feel guilty when I get off work and still can't really be there because I'm so tired from being up all night sometimes.
This also transitions into some more guilt...

I feel guilty going or not going to workout...
-It kills me to leave Levi again after I've been gone all day. It's hard to ask my mom to watch a teething, pain in the butt, late afternoon child even longer (Mike works till 8pm most nights.) If I don't go I feel like I'm letting myself down as well as letting everyone at Nia down (I've got to get over this one, but it's the pleaser in me!) Once Mike gets home I should go down to the gym here but I want to spend a little bit of family time before Levi goes down and let’s be honest by that point I'm exhausted!

So what happens you ask...I beat myself up about it all day every day! I'm disappointed that I have not lost all of my baby weight. I can’t stand that in general my tummy looks like it’s a transplant tummy because it sure as hell doesn’t belong here! It doesn’t help that I look like I've been run over by a train... My eyes have bags and circles that add a good 10 years onto my age (believe me the checker giggled when she checked my id last time), my hair is varying shades of gray...what’s left of it that is, and my skin looks like I have zombie makeup on.

I know this too shall pass and one day I’ll look back on today and think...
"Oh those were the easy days... only one kid, beautiful apartment, only $4 a gallon gas prices :)... “

It will be easier though when Levi gets a schedule and when I’m lucky enough to be able to get to class I will be completely and totally thankful for my time there and when I can’t I will be completely and totally thankful for my time with Levi!

xoxo chef a

Just A Normal Saturday Night...

On the IPOD "Wide Open Spaces" By: The Dixie Chicks

Two little tid bits of info that might be helpful to new moms out there...
#1 never say out loud that your child loves restaurants and is totally laid back and
#2 never ever publicly make arrangements for your husband to be the designated driver so that you can have an evening of bliss at one of your favorite restaurants or to be honest drown yourself in your favorite margarita.

I say this because chances are your kid will not be on board!

My child loves a restaurant...I mean on more than one occasion I've threatened to go the busiest happy hour (I know such a threat) just so that I could record the noise for 1 hour so that we could play it for Levi to help him sleep. So when we were invited last Saturday night to dinner with friends (and yes there were other kids there we didn't drag him to a couples night out or anything), I didn't even think twice about taking him. For the life of me I can't figure out how it turned as bad as it did so quickly!

Let me set this up for you... Our plans were to meet friends at this great Salvadorian restaurant that just opened a beautiful new location. When we arrived there was immediate seating available on their covered patio so because it was actually decently nice outside I agreed. (By the way even though there is no confirmation that the patio seating caused the horrible events I'm about to disclose...Patio seating will now be completely off limits for the Marrone Family!}

So anyways we sat down and I immediately ordered a mango margarita and let me tell you it was the best thing that happened Saturday night! When everyone got there (Me, Mike and Levi and my two girlfriends, one with her husband the other with her two kids} we went ahead and ordered dinner (And I ordered another margarita...}

At this point Levi was sound asleep in his stroller, like an angel! Well all of the sudden Levi woke up, he seemed fine, I got him up and we were playing a little before the food came. My friends were both hugging on him and he was doing just fine well until he was not! Like clockwork as soon as they brought me my margarita Levi started screaming, it was unlike anything I have even heard. By the way I am not a fan of the screaming restaurant kid, I think if you have the guts to take your kids out in public then you should as least take them out of the establishment if he or she is out of control. So I did just that, Levi and I excused ourselves to the parking lot where things just got worse. He was screaming so badly that I really felt helpless. I gave him Tylenol, gas drops, gripe water nothing was helping. Of course the stroller and car seat were at the table and my car was in the valet so I was really stuck there! I finally just got my keys so that I could take him to the car to check him out. When I tell you it was bad I mean I was checking his body for broken bones! I really thought we were going to end up at the hospital... Mike came to check on us and see if there was anything he could do, but there just wasn't anything anybody could do, Levi was officially having a complete meltdown! So I asked Mike to go back to the table box up dinner and pay what we owe. When my friend Jessica came to check on us, Levi and I were pacing the parking lot. I was a complete mess and Levi had been stripped down to just a diaper and was still screaming bloody murder! We made an executive decision to drive back to her house so that I could get a better idea of what was going on. This seems fast as I read it back but in all honesty we were in the parking lot for a good solid hour or longer. I would have just gone home but I didn't think he would make it that far that's how bad it was!

Mike drove and I sat in the back trying to keep Levi calm for the 5 minute trip. When we got to the house the screaming continued. I checked his entire body up and down, every joint, I even checked to make sure he didn't have a hair wrapped around his finger or something. He finally calmed down after my friend started blowing on his ear. I have no idea why it worked but it did so I'm not going to question it! I never really found out what was wrong with him...I just chalked it up to teething and bought every teething gel on the market the next morning...

It was a rough night to say the least... The moral of the story is never ever plan on having a wonderful night out...If it happens count yourself lucky and if not pray that you were smart enough to bring an arsenal of meds, 5 sets of clothing, 2 extra bottles, and a nanny. Or at least just remember that every new parent out there will eventually have this experience so you are not the only one!

xoxo chef a

Rebooting...

On the IPOD "Set Fire To The Rain" By: ADELE

Ive decided that the only way to be skinny while being a full time working mom is to have money and a nanny! I mean a nanny is not an option for us so I'm going to have to come up with a better solution, not that skinny is really even in my personal vocabulary... But I do want to be healthier so something has got to give! Levi and I get up for work between 5-6 am, Mike works till 7:30pm and lately Levi likes to scream for about 2 hours each night starting as early as 5 and ending sometimes as late as 9:30, which tends to make leaving to go workout at night difficult to say the least and early morning workouts are completely out of the question. So where does a girl find the time I ask you?

To be honest it is not helping that I am really having a hard time accepting my post baby body issues... between the numb looser tummy I've been sporting since the c-section and my boobs that spent way too many countless hours attached to a pump... Lets just say that it is definitely affecting my self esteem which in turn makes it harder to make the steps to do something about it. So lately I've been making myself feel better the only way I know how to...with food!

But I'm done... mainly because it's just not working obviously... I'm officially back on the quest to deal with my shit without the help of an m&m! And I'm also giving myself permission to put my needs first for at least a 1/2 hour a day because in the long run everyone wins with a happier Amanda!

xoxo chef a

A Bad Day For My $100 pants!

On the IPOD "House At Pooh Corner" By: Kenny Loggins

I'm going to start off by saying that my hair is falling out. I know that it's normal postpartum hair loss but it doesn't make it any easier. And I know everyone says it won't all fall out but I don't know, there is alot falling out!

Last night was an utter disaster! It all started when I dropped my mom off...Levi decided he was going to throw the fit of his life between my mom's house and our parking garage. I mean it was bad... There was screaming and heavy breathing and sometimes even a couple of times I thought he was going to quit breathing. I really just wanted to wiggle my nose and blink us home but of course I don't have that capability. I played music, sang, danced, made faces...nothing was going to help the fit of rage going on in the back seat. By the time we reached our street I was in tears as well.

As we turned into our place...Levi fell asleep. I pulled into my parking spot amd strategically came up with a plan to get the stroller loaded up while the car was still on and the music was still playing. Half way through I thought to myself, "huh I really have to go potty..." (And by potty I mean little potty not big potty, thanks in part to my new birth control that has a diuretic in it.} {You should also know that because of my horrible case of ADD I have a tendency to forget to go potty in the first place.) So anyways there I am rushing around packing up the diaper bag, my bag, a box of diapers, and Levi. As I reached to turn the car off and lock the doors I said to myself, "Oh Shit where is my fob for the garage door?" I mean by this point I started to panic...I thought about using a cup (no too complicated considering I was wearing pants), then I thought about copping a squat next to the car (pretty sure my garage has security cameras so that was out), then I thought about just jumping in the front seat and letting nature take its course on my new leather seats (Ya no that was completely out.) So there next to my new car while staring at my sleeping son, I peed in my $100 lululemon pants.

And then of course I found the stupid fob!

You know it's a bad night when you show up at your front door with no hair and you are wet from the waist down. I'm sure Mike is counting his blessing on this catch! (Hey it says in good times and bad, right?) I do have to admit that by the time I reached the door I was laughing hysterically I mean really...I can't even make up this stuff!

So needless to say Mike took over while I did laundry and took a shower! You would think that that is the end of the story but no just as soon as I got cleaned up, Levi decided to lose it again. After I finally got him settled down I thought to myself, "Tomorrow has got to be better than today!"

My goal for today is to come home with dry pants! I'm not reaching for the stars folks, just trying to stay afloat!

xoxo chef a