Saturday, March 6, 2010

Who determines your self worth?

On the IPOD "9 Crimes" by: Damien Rice

My plan was to sleep in this morning since I just posted an entry last night , but my mind keeps racing about this post, so here it goes.


I have spent a lifetime trying to figure this one question out! For the last 31 years my self worth has been determined by my friends and family.

Lets start with the friends first because well it's on my mind... I have an incessant need to please my friends, to the point that I have been known to put my life on the back burner so that I can help them. In the last 5 years, I have helped them start businesses and I have been there to take care of their sick family members. I have helped with school projects and carpooled kids. I have pleaded with their boyfriends for their forgiveness and been their therapist. To some, I have apologized and apologized for just being me. I'm by no means saying that I have never made a mistake but as far as I'm concerned being a friend means accepting that we all make mistakes. Let me assure you that it is not my friend's faults, I have chosen to offer myself up and most of my friends appreciate it, but some have learned to abuse it and that is where the problem lies...

I read an article last week about detoxing your friend closet. It touched me by one group of sentences about what friendship should be:

"We never have to wonder where we stand, these friends and I. We never fear for our mutual emotional safety in each other's company. I can tell these friends anything and know they'd never belittle me, or think less of me, or write me off, or gossip, or use my past or current spasms of childishness/pettiness/insecurity/anger/fear against me. I'm talking about genuine affection and goodwill." -Paige Williams

Since I have started this blog, I have been gaining self worth. I realized it last week when a very close friend of mine asked me to give up part of myself in order to continue the friendship, and I said no. 6 months ago I would have met her demands, but today I'm different. I'm stronger and most importantly I know that I matter! I'm not saying it is easy, I go back and forth every day about changing my stance but there is this little feeling inside of me that is helping me create boundaries, it's amazing. Everyone should get one of these little feelings... I wish I could manufacture it and sell it!

In the past, I think that part of me thought that having more self worth would hinder my ability to be a good friend. I was afraid that I would lose that giving part of me that makes me me! But what I have realized is that having more self worth is actually helping me be a better friend. I'm still going to be a giver because lets face it, that's who I am. But I am going to try my best to not be swallowed up by it. I'm sure it will be a struggle, but I'm ready to face this one!

xoxo chef a

No comments: