Wednesday, March 3, 2010


On the IPOD "A Beautiful Mess" by: Jason Mraz

It is interesting how the universe works... about 3 days ago I had a very deep conversation with a beautiful friend of mine. She was explaining to me her own insecurities with her appearance. After I left I started to ask myself, "What makes me feel beautiful?" It's weird that in general I have never felt "ugly" (unless I looked at a picture of myself, pictures are much less forgiving.) Most of my life I have looked in the mirror and thought, "there she is... the fat girl with the pretty face!" It probably came from the countless comments growing up such as, "Oh Amanda, you have such a pretty face imagine how pretty you would be if you lost weight..." Not kidding, real comment!

As I have gotten older I have found more and more things to point out in the mirror. I'm going to be extremely self critical for a moment, it will really be ok but if you start to get nervous, take a deep breath and get over it!

Its 6:45 am on Tuesday morning... I stand in front of the mirror naked this is what I see...

I see my feet that completely remind me of my father... they are way too big as far as I'm concerned. I see my legs that have never only touched in four places... and my butt that is definitely not as smooth as it should be. In general, I have way too many stretch marks to have never given birth and I can still see the scar in my belly button from a surgery for an ectopic pregnancy 10 years ago. I see boobs that have dropped at least a full inch since I was 20 and more back fat and chicken cutlet action in the creases of my arms than should ever exist. I see that my right earlobe is 1/4-1/2 inch lower than my left and although I actually do see a pretty face I also see that it has aged to include at least 5 distinct wrinkles. The most noticeable change is my hair... It went from being dark brown, thick, and curly to after my father died becoming thin, graying and frizzy.

After I had just enough of the emotional abuse I was causing myself I decided to head to work...


Low Carb Mushroom, Onion, and Blackened Jalapeno Quesadillas
Lasagna with Sauteed Spinach
Shredded Chicken Enchiladas with Black Bean and Corn Salsa
Roasted Vegetable Linguine with Tomato Basil Sauce
Cajun Grilled Chicken with Roasted Broccoli

Last night it was a normal Tuesday night and I went to my Nia class. I guess kind of went looking for answers... My instructor Jule said that the focus of class was something about finding your place in the light and in the dark. I really took it to heart... I closed my eyes for a second and decided to just let go... I kept finding myself in the mirror. I was thinking, Wow alright I kind of look ok. After class my friend Theresa stopped me and said, "Amanda I don't know what it is but you look hot tonight... you are putting off some kind of energy and I could not stop staring at you..." Well I not gonna lie that made me feel pretty good, but to be honest I felt it while I was dancing... I don't know if it was the amazing playlist that Jule seems to always put together for class, my new dance pants, or maybe it was just the way I allowed myself to feel in my own skin... but I did feel different.

The feeling continued into tonight's class (Zensual Bootcamp.) The funny thing is that to continue the weird connection with the people in my life... My instructor Clarissa was telling me about an exercise involving staring at yourself in the mirror to find your "real" self. I mean how did she know that obviously I need to sign up for that class!! I walked out of class feeling oddly confident...

So tonight we are going to try it again...

What do I see in the mirror...

I see feet that allow me to stand for sometimes 8 or more hours a day while working. I see legs that are much skinnier and stronger than they have been in years. I see a butt that is pretty decently "banging hot!" ;) I see curvy hips that I can move well and feel sexy in. I see boobs that my husband loves and calls his.... I see arms that can whip cream into butter and hands that are made to be able to carry off some serious rings! I see a face with good features and eyes that could tell you everything. And I see hair that can fly in the car with the music real loud and the windows wide open. I kind of see BEAUTIFUL!

xoxo chef a

1 comment:

jamieswartz1 said...

you are my favorite beautiful mess!!! best blog so far!! lots of xoxo