Friday, March 12, 2010

Baby fears

On the IPOD "All the Pretty Little Ponies" by: Kenny Loggins

I've been extremely productive today...I spent half of the day cooking and the other half doing office work...its pretty amazing considering that on a normal day I would find anything else in the world to do rather than using the other side of my brain...

I have kind of a cool annoucement...You can now find my blog at Chef-Amanda.com !  You can still find it however you are now, but it's just an easier address to tell your friends how to find it :)

So on to the serious stuff...

You would laugh if you knew how many sentences I have written on this post and then erased, it is actually becoming quite entertaining...  Ok here it goes no erasing....

Deep breath....  So I have been on meds to gets preggers for 3 months...And it has always been the plan that we would try this for three months and then add on a little Clomid (another baby drug) and try that for a couple of months.  But when discussing it with my doctor, I kind of spewed out, "Well maybe we should just wait until I've lost more weight!"  His responce was, "no, no you'll do fine. I really only want you to gain about 15 pounds during a pregnancy so the eating plan you are on now is actually ideal."  I said ok...

It wasn't until later that night that I really felt my heart pounding in my chest and realized that I was having a mini panic attack about this decision...  I'll tell you why...

Don't get me wrong I want a baby, I've always wanted to be a mom, Mike and I both have always wanted 3 and I am almost 32, so you do the math.  But I'm completely freaking out... For starters I'm just kind of getting used to this body.  I'm actually not completely disappointed when I look in the mirror.  I also don't want to give up dancing...I look forward to it and I can't imagine not being able to do it even for a couple months.  The idea of feeling sick and tired and still working on not using food for comfort is completely frightening.  I just don't want to feel like I'm giving up... Then it hits me maybe all these feelings are just covering up the fact that I have fears of miscarring again.  With the amount of nausea I'm feeling right now you would think I'm already preggers.  Oh wait, thats what happens when you actually dealing with your feelings....

Then I start to feel selfish, this was always the plan...I know I can do this.  I still have time, I just need to focus on taking care of myself and if I get pregnant great.  When I do, I will add 300 healthy calories to my diet and I will dance until I can't and when I can't anymore Ill still go to class, sit on an exercise ball and dance like I do when I'm driving in the car. I will work everyday, just like I do now, to not use food for comfort and I will not give up!  I will try as long as I have to for a healthy viable pregnancy while knowing that I have you and my family and friends to help me through any difficult times.

Alright I got my fears out...I'm sure there are many more in there, but this at least make me feel a little more comfortable that all of you know I'm slightly terrified...

I never would have thought that losing weight would change my feelings about everything....

xoxo chef a

5 comments:

Suzi said...

Amanda, what you are feeling is SO normal!! When I got pregnant, I literally had a complete meltdown and was convinced I couldn't do it Truly, for a good 3-4 weeks, I was a basket case and didn't really know what my decision would be. So believe me girl, these fears are all part of the process! And good for you for being open and honest about them. Of course you want children, but it is totally OK to be afraid of it too... Heck, I STILL am!!

jamieswartz1 said...

With every post i am more proud to be your friend and to watch you turn into this amazing self-analytical person!! you have grown so much in the last year and although you still have fears...which is normal...i know that everyday you will still continue to grow!! the blog just gets better and better!!

Amanda said...

Another Amanda... hi there, LOL I just came across your blog (via Jenn at Watch My Butt Shrink/ Bump Grow) and I couldn't resist.

Like Suzi said, this is so normal. You'll do fine. You have a plan, and you know how to work it. I'll keep stopping by to check in :)

Sharyn said...

Amanda, as your friend and one who cares I wish I could help you try to stop analyzing this one. While I think the healthiest way to health and happiness is to have complete understanding of who we are and how we tick, motherhood is just something that isn't explainable. There is no end to the fear and there is no measurement to the joy it brings. Once your a mother it's a permanent commitment and that in itself is frightening, however now seems to be the perfect time because you have personal success. Perhaps for the first time in your life you have a healthy heart, mind and body and what perfect timing to create a new life. As Susan said your feelings are valid and I don't think this is about vanity, it's probably about responsibility and while you may be so happy with your weight your friends and success, this is probably the best time to become a parent because you have peace, something I don't think you have allowed yourself to have before. So I believe the weight loss is the result of finding your personal happiness, so now that you've had a taste of it, I doubt you will forget how to find it again even if you gain weight from getting pregnant. Go and have a baby, whether natural, artificial or by other means because you have a beautiful relationship with a man who loves you unconditionally an you will be a wonderful mother and friend to that child(ren).
You can always be skinny and pretty, that's totally in your control but parenthood needs energy and youth and if you want three, you better get started.
Hugs my friend from San Antiono with my two girls who I love more than life itself!!!

Jenn said...

Hi Amanda!
Thanks for stopping by my blog!
I hear ya on the fears of being pregnant. I've had them - each and every time I got pregnant with my kids, lol!
I really wanted to be under 200 pounds before I got preggo this time around. But then I realized - I have LOTS of time to lose the rest of this weight, but I'm 37, and I don't have much time left to have another baby.
It will all work out, don't worry! There will never be a *perfect* time to have a kid, because a kid changes everything! But, it's a good thing - believe me. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be on baby #3, lol!