Friday, February 26, 2010

Fear

On the IPOD "Seduces Me" by: Celine Dion

Well I wasn't going to write tonight, but then I kind of started to beat myself up on the way home and I really wanted to let it out and not forget it...

I went to the Haiti Dance event tonight. From 6-7pm I took a Zumba Class, From 7:15-8:15 pm I took a Nia Class and from 8:15-9pm I took a pole dancing class...

Just when I felt like I am really gaining some major self confidence, I went to this other place...It's not depressed (I actually don't think I have a depressed bone in my body), It's this self critical, impatient, and out of control feeling place.

It might be stemming from the fact that I lost it last week and almost gave up on the infertility drugs or maybe it is the intense pain in my left calf, but more than likely it's in my head. I noticed it first in Zumba when I caught myself looking at other people and judging myself against them and then in the Nia I thought about leaving not once but twice which is something I never do. The last straw came in Pole Dancing. We were trying some turns and I felt myself holding back and then Clarissa, the instructor, noticed as well and even asked me, "Why are you holding back?" At first I felt myself trying to come up with excuses, my hurt leg... But I've decided it was just plain old fear. I was scared that the pole couldn't support me, like I was gonna break it. A fear of embarrassment. Interesting that I can tell this computer almost every detail of my life, but I'm scared of a little pole.

Sometimes I wonder If I was skinny would I still have the fear or is my weight a crutch. Have I oddly enough found safety in this body? Maybe Ive created a comfort zone. I really only wear black and I'm not even Goth, but I feel more comfortable in black. I stand in certain places in the dance room because the view in the mirror is in a seam and I look 10 pounds lighter. I've learned to protect myself! My whole life I have been hiding behind these other titles: singer, chef, friend... And in that I've lost trust in myself that I would be ok and liked/loved if I was just plain old me.

Probably in years past if I had the same experience as I did tonight, I would have cried for a couple of minutes and then I would never think about it again. I would have told myself that obviously I'm just too heavy for pole dancing, but today I feel different about it...Don't get me wrong I'm still scared of it and I did cry a little bit but with the fear came curiosity and hope that Ill be able to do it... one day...

xoxo chef a

1 comment:

ATR said...

I'm sorry you had such a rough night, Amanda! I just want to uplift what you said in the last paragraph. You've come a long way, baby! I hope that in the midst of this experience, you can remember how far you've come and be proud of that, instead of focusing in on the negative of the experience. You know we're all rooting for you. And some of us, myself included, are right beside you, walking very similar journeys.
Lots of love,
Amy