Thursday, January 21, 2010

Got to let it go...

On the IPOD "This Woman's Work" by: Greg Laswell

It has taken me almost 3 days to write this blog...I wasn't sure that I wanted to discuss these feelings but after many written versions I am finally able to post it...

I'm tired! My last two cooking days have been pretty rough especially considering that my sinuses are extremely annoyed with global warming! The plus side is that because I have no sense of smell or taste, I am oddly not hungry (the not hungry feeling is extremely rare.) Before I dive deep into my psyche, here are my menus from Tuesday and Wednesday...

Peppercorn Crusted Beef Tenderloin
Baked Chicken Drummettes
Low Fat Chicken with Lemon Caper Sauce
Beef Tips and Rice
Egg Salad
Chopped Chicken Salad
Chili Con Carne
Chicken Tortilla Soup
Matzoh Ball Soup
Marinated Flank Steak
Cucumber Salad
Mixed Berries

Teriyaki Filets
Barbecue Brisket
Low Fat Chicken Salad
Roasted Chicken and Black Bean Burritos
Steak Burgers
Barbecue Chicken
Beef Tacos
Seafood Bouillabaisse
Vegetable Fried Rice
Sauteed Corn
Special "Reid" Cookies

Today I had coffee with a couple of girlfriends who have been incredibly supportive on this journey. It means so much to hear from other friends who are dealing with some of the same struggles with food and body image that I have. I discussed an issue with them that has been plaguing me. I haven't really brought it up much in the blog because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go there but I have decided that this blog is about my life and I have to face it to be true to myself.

I have polycystic ovarian disease. It is a condition that makes it difficult to get pregnant. It is treatable and I am being treated. Although the condition is said to be gene related it is definitely more prevalent among overweight women.

The biggest problem is that I am beating myself up over it. Since I got the diagnoses I have caught myself seeking out food for comfort. At first I tried to make myself believe that it was because my hormone levels were changing and it must be my body's fault...It wasn't until this afternoon that I realized that I have not really been honest with anyone about my feelings (maybe I haven't even been honest with myself.)

I woke up this morning looked at myself in the mirror and I got very angry at my body...In the last 2 1/2 weeks I haven't done anything to make my body image better. I haven't put on makeup or done my hair. I have sulked! Even though it is widely know that being overweight is unhealthy. I never really thought that my weight was affecting my health. I was naive to think that the biggest issue about my weight was the way I looked when in truth it has been running my life and not just on the outside but on the inside too.

I now completely understand (well not completely) what it feels like to be an impotent man. I am a woman and I am supposed to be able to have a baby if I want one. Even though I know that I will do whatever I have to do to have a child; I cant deny the fact that I kind of feel a little less womanly and I even feel a little bit of guilt knowing that it won't be as easy for me as I once thought.

I plan on trying to let these feelings go this week... I don't want to go through another week feeling this way about a problem that my husband assures me we will work through. I am going to continue to make my health my priority and I know the babies will come...

Maybe the focus in Nia class this week will be letting it go...wouldn't that be appropriate!

xoxo chef a


gretch said...

Stay strong! You are a brave women! Tell yourself that everyday! This is a little bump in the doesn't defy who YOU are as a person or a wife or even eventually a mother. Put on that makeup! Get dressed in your favorite outfit...and rock on!

Anonymous said...

Hey, it's Rach I don't know if Jessica told you but i have pcos too, it does suck. I totally know how you feel.