Monday, November 9, 2009

Who is in control?

On the IPOD "Bottle It Up" By: Sara Bareilles

Ok so first off I have some of the best friends in the world, who throughout this journey have become incredibly supportive...don't get me wrong their are others who are threatened by my honest approach and have been less than helpful... But the great ones are really great! We had a wonderfully fun night watching the game last night with one of the most amazing girls I know!!! This morning when the same friend and I were on the phone she said, "We've got to work out really hard today to make up for last night (we ate pizza, my personal favorite)!" My response was, "well Sunday is my fun day and I eat what I want (which is true I believe that you need to have certain times whether it's one dinner a week or certain holidays to eat and drink whatever you want)" Her next response was, "well you should cut that out and you'll lose more weight!" Now looking back I know that my sweet friend was just trying to offer me support, but I have to tell you it made me feel like a little girl again looking in the cabinets at night and hearing my mom in the other room say, "Who's in there and what are you getting in to?" My first inclination was to defend myself and explain to her the reasons of my weight loss philosophy. I am not in this to lose 100 pounds in 6 months...I want to change the way I eat so that I can live a healthy life for the rest of my life. I do not want to become a freak over what I eat. I want to deal with my crap! I believe that my weight is not where it is because of what I eat it is why I eat.

After we finished our conversation the little girl inside of me was screaming things like..."I'm not gonna let anyone control me...I'll eat whatever I want to....If I wanna work out I will and If I don't I won't." I sort of felt like just quiting... Just running out and eating everything I could get my hands on. And I want you to know that my friend did nothing wrong...If I felt normal about my weight and about who I am I should've been able to take what she said as just friendly advise, but I didn't I let it turn into something completely different. It was a painful memory that as much as I have always wanted to be in control of my weight...I never have been. It's funny how we all have different ways of coping...she has had her fair share of weight issues and I think she accepts help from everyone whereas I have an extremely difficult time accepting help from anyone. I want to change this...It is not real fun to always be defensive. I love hearing how other people are losing weight and any advise and tidbit I have gotten on that front I greatly appreciate but I've noticed that any comments about how I should be working out or what I should be eating... feel like an immediate threat on my own authority. It is also sometimes very difficult to accept a compliment about my weight. Please don't think I am saying I want you to stop giving me advise, compliments, or any other information you think I should have!!!! I need it more than ever now...I want to learn how to hear it with an open mind and not be so quick to tell you why you're wrong. Maybe I'm wrong...maybe I need to let it go and not take everything as the gospel. I'm going to do my best to hear what the world is telling me...I might not always live by all the advise I'm given but I'm at least going to mull it over for a little while...
xoxo chef a

1 comment:

ATR said...

I love this post, Amanda, and your reaction is totally real, normal and human! It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes (though I don't know who said it), "If it can be misunderstood, it will be!"

And I can relate to your experience because my mom will occasionally say something like that and I have the same reaction. I was going to my bachelorette party before I got married and my mom said, "Well don't drink or eat too much, remember you still have to fit into your dress!" I got so upset, but she was just trying to be loving and helpful! And, by the way, it made me want to spend literally the entire time drinking and eating everything in sight. And though you were at my wedding and so know this, I will say for those of you I don't know that my dress did fit at my wedding!