Thursday, November 12, 2009


On the IPOD "Before It Breaks" by: Brandi Carlisle

I got an extreme urge to do a cartwheel this morning. At first I was reluctant as usual (I have wanted to do one for about 2 years now, but I always chicken out). But then I started thinking, i mean what's the worst thing that can happen... I mean besides falling, breaking a wrist, or dying a slow death... what the hell! So I went over to a nice grassy section of my mom's back yard and before I had a chance to change my mind, I just did it. Wow that was pretty fun! I mean let me assure you the USA gymnastics team won't be calling but I managed to safely get both legs up in the air simultaneously. It didn't have that effortless feel like when I was 7 but I feel confident that if I keep practicing I will get back to fighting form (I haven't taken gymnastics since 1987 and I'm pretty sure I never had fighting form.)

I think it is interesting how we all spend so much time protecting our own feelings... We can give a million reasons for why our past relationships haven't worked, we can even kid ourselves into believing that he or she didn't call us because they were just too busy. I have friends who have buried their past so deep that they think it would be impossible to find, but unfortunately what I have learned in my short life is that believe it or not if you haven't dealt with something it does stick around. You might not think about it everyday but it's there lurking, waiting for the right time to completely rock your world. I guess this can be good or bad depending on if you are ready when it rears it's ugly head. I know that there are some people out there who are reading this blog thinking that I should be embarrassed? Well I have to be honest and tell you that yes sometimes I am a little embarrassed! Sometimes when I run into an old friend I think to myself..."I wonder if they are reading?" Sometimes I write an entry and then question myself before I hit post. But to this day I have posted everything. I guess my advise for today is to let some of it your own way. It will not just go away. I used to tell my Dad that I thought cancer fed off of bad thoughts and regrets and that his would get better if he could just let some of the past go, who knew that advise would help me in the end. I know I have said it before but every minute of everyday still feels like a struggle for me...the pantry is still the first place I head to, I still pray to God to wake up skinny and even though I have learned to somewhat enjoy it I always think about leaving during the first 10 minutes of working out. I know that this is just a start for me and I have so much more to work through in this blog, but in a way it has already saved my life...
xoxo chef a

1 comment:

Debbie said...

you just brought tears to my eyes. love you amanda.