The Inner Loop

On the iPod "Georgia" by: Vance Joy

I'm well aware that only half of you will do this but go now and pull up this song on whatever you use... "YouTube" "Spotify" "iTunes" whatever. Hold the bottom speaker of your phone to your ear... (Careful that's it's not turned all the way up, but just loud enough that you feel like you are the only one in the room) now close your eyes and hit play... Haunting right? I love a song set in a minor key...

It's funny... Levi told me tonight that he loves to watch me listen to music... Man I love this kid. I mean if he only knew that this is mommy's escape but whatever... he gives himself time outs so to each their own! 

Today has been a rough day for me and although I'm not going to bore you all with the details I will say that my mom not being in town today and luca's decision to drop a nap last week and my own personal difficulty with schedule changes probably didn't help the day to begin with... Anyhow, it is what it is, all that really matters is that I have 364 days in the year to celebrate being a mommy even if today didn't go as planned! But just for fun I will tell you a little story that will make you laugh...

So some background info...you might not guess this considering I write a very personal, very public blog... But I'm actually quite a private person. I have a handful of friends that are in the inside loop and in my "old age" I have become very picky with who I open up to.  I would admit that I'm a giver, a listener, and a helper to the many and outside of the inside loop, I come across as very confident, strong willed, and even some might say intimidating (it's a chef thing), but to those few who are inside the loop they know that every once in awhile...I lose it... Like really lose it... I'm a silent, can't catch my breath or speak crier and I'm TERRIBLE at asking for help. 

So today when one of my inside loop girls called me it was just the perfect storm... The exact right time when everything was falling apart and her response was simply perfect... In her sarcastic tone she said, "Man I thought you were going to make me feel all jealous with how perfect your Mother's Day was going..." And to that we both laughed... She then insisted that after we put our kids to bed we escape to the foot massage place... I mean who could say no to that! 

Anyways we get to the "parlor" at 8:30 for our $50- 90 minute "religious experience" and yes I'm referring to it as an experience because well we've been around the block with foot massage places and this one happens to be the best. Don't get me wrong this isn't like a "happy ending" kind of place... Well at least we didn't think so! So anyways here we are in a room full of others trying to escape as well and everything seems just perfect... My phone dies 5 minutes in which was kind of incredible because I tend to sometimes work on my phone during the massage... I know, I know. Anyways so the two of us at this point are laying on our backs with a towel over our eyes. And then it happens... I start hearing moans... Not just normal moans but like Manly moans... The kind that make you blush... So of course I rip that towel off my eyes and turn to my friend who is just lying there not even flenching! I continue just trying to ignore it but the scene from "When Harry Met Sally" is playing in my head and I'm starting to get the giggles and have an incredible desire to scream out, "I'll have what he's having!" Even my massage therapist is starting to giggle at this point!  And I'm starting to think, "I can't believe she is sleeping through this!!!" So as soon as our therapists leave then room to get the hot steamy towels to wipe the lotion off our legs. Tasha's eye mask rips off and she jumps up to an, "OMG, Gross!!" And I just bust out laughing!! We manage to compose ourselves before we out ourselves as the immature adolescents that we obviously are! They proceed to turn us over on our stomachs to work on our necks and backs... Before I know it my tank top is around my waist and anyone walking through the room is getting an eye full of side boob and all I can think is that the next person that walks through is going to say..."Amanda? Is that you?" And then I'm going to have to explain why I'm in a party room with half naked people while the gentleman to my rear is having a full on orgasm... Whatever, they are there for the same reason so what do I care right? Lol!   Actually by the end of the massage while I had a lovely Asian girl sitting on my naked ass crack gently moving my rib bones around I didn't even notice the moaning anymore... Ya right! Lol. So as the two of us laughed our way out the the "foot massage" place, I realized that this was really what it all is about... Having friends that know that sometimes all you need is a good giggle...

So to you ladies who are in my inner loop and who all actually oddly enough checked in with me yesterday of all days... Must have been told in the cosmos to you that it was a rough day but anyways thanks... Thanks for checking on your strong willed friend who always seems to have it together even though you and I both know better! Lol

xoxo chef a

Effortlessly

On the iPod "Over You (feat. A Great Big World) by: Ingrid Michaelson

It's funny, I think I've always wanted to be a mom. It has always been on my road map, if you will, but I don't really think I even knew what being a mother meant... My own mom is pretty incredible and growing up she really made it all seem effortless. We always had what we needed and most of what we wanted. And even when she didn't understand the path we were taking she tried to be as supportive of us as possible. 

When I say this I don't want you to think my dad was anything but spectacular in most ways but let's just say our relationship with him grew as we did. I'm not sure how fatherly he was to us as young children unless we were perfectly dressed and not speaking, lol. No seriously, children were supposed to be seen and not heard. But regardless my mom really filled in for both of them in most ways and for all intents and purposes she did most of the hard stuff sort of alone...but she never made us feel like we were a burden (well except for the times that we knew we were being burdens...lol!)  

So I have to admit that I was a little shocked when I realized how hard it is to be a mom. Don't get me wrong, so far this is the most rewarding adventure I have ever taken. But it is brutally hard. I mean there isn't a manual... instead there are a million manuals all saying different things and that doesn't even include the verbal "suggestions" being screamed at you from ever direction and the constant worry that you are f$&@ing up. I mean I was told that until the baby sleeps through the night you will be exhausted and that's just a blatant lie... Levi is 4 and I'm still exhausted. If I'm not worrying about how much he knows today, I'm worrying about how prepared he will be for tomorrow. Or if he has enough friends or if those friends are true friends...  And if I'm giving him the opportunities he needs or deserves... If he is on the iPad too much... And If I'm missing something he is telling me, something I should know because I'm his mom and I should know EVERYTHING about him. Oh wait and that's just for one kid... Don't get me started on how Luca seems to go against the grain of every philosophy that having Levi taught me. 

Being a mom is also kinda lonely at times. I never thought my mom could have ever been lonely while taking care of us day and night, but being where I am now I can't imagine that she wasn't somewhat lonely at times. And I don't mean the kind of lonely where you are by yourself because with kids, let's face it, you are NEVER alone. It's more of a pit in your stomach feeling that every decision is just another chance to screw it up and that that one decision will define you as a mother.

And then I think... here my mom is 36 years later still mothering me... Still guiding me and my boys and fiercely protecting and supporting us at the same time as I struggle to find my way on this adventure. And still making it seem pretty effortless...

I honestly can't thank her enough for everything. She is my ultimate role model... The ultimate friend... The ultimate mother and Bebe. And for all of the rest of you mommies reading this struggling with this whole "mom" job. Never let anyone say to you... "Well what did you expect having kids would be like?" There is NOTHING that can get you ready or prepared for this job. It is incredibly hard with the most difficult hours and when they laid that baby in your arms for the first time you knew you would never stop trying no matter how hard it gets. You will continue to cherish the good days and fight through the hard ones and to your child it will always seem effortless...just know that you are not alone... There is an army of us out there, sometimes silently fighting an internal battle of our own expectations of what this journey should be like. Wishing we knew all of the right answers and praying we are at least getting some of them right... Wishing my mom and all of the mommies out there a truly effortless and magnificent day.

xoxo chef a

A Gift

On the iPod "Rockstar" by: A Great Big World

First off I have to say that I am so lucky to be doing some marketing/social media work for MoveStudio. First of all MoveStudio feels like home to me and actually none of the "work" I'm doing for them even feels like work! I honestly couldn't ask for more amazing owners to work with and I just love it! Can't wait to work more! Lol! A couple of months ago Jackie (the owner) and I had a long talk about preschool and teaching methods... When you are spending time with another mom who has preschool age kids the conversation almost always turns to preschool!! It also helped that we discovered that my nephew and her daughter are in Mother's Day out together making the school convo come full circle... Anyways I told her why a picked the preschool Levi attends, why I think preschool is so important, and how incredible Levi's teachers are for not only teaching him letters and numbers but also teaching him to have a heart, to respect his friends and how to change the world... Then we moved on to talk about other normal mom subjects like nursing babies and potty training. Lol. 

So about 2 weeks ago... Jackie messaged me about an idea she had to give some teachers a free class out of appreciation for everything they do. What an amazing gift! Because I know the teachers in my life spend so much time worrying about other people's kids that they don't spend hardly any time on themselves and that is just a travesty! 

I am so grateful for the teachers in this world because well it's not my forte. Don't get me wrong, there are things I can teach like how to make a bechamel sauce or how to cut the most perfect brunoise dice or chiffonade and I could even teach you scales on the piano or how to go about writing a song or even an English paper. But as far as teaching my child to count to 20 or to write his name, I'm the first to admit that I suck! It's not that I don't try because I do, but unfortunately someone always ends up in tears and honestly it's usually me. I mean Greenhill Prep School taught me how to write a paper in an hour and how to flash card my way into passing a history test with flying colors, but those hardcore techniques don't work so well with a 4 year old and I tend to get super frustrated very quickly! So levi and I are both lucky that he has amazing teachers who not only truly know him and love him, but who take the time to try to figure out ways to teach him what he needs to know and are nice enough to let me in on their secret ways to keep him focused so that I continue to try to "teach" him at home without hiding in the fetal position. 

Anyways, so I told Jackie that I absolutely wanted to give Levi's teachers a certificate. But then Jackie did something even better... She said, "Actually I want you to give all of the teachers at Levi's preschool a free class and a sauna pass!" I honestly was pretty taken back... What a treat for me to be able to gift them time for themselves.

So last week, in front of all of their students, I was able to give the teachers the MoveStudio gift certificates while also explaining to their students why teachers deserve to be thanked so much! MoveStudio has gone on to give the gift of time to many other teachers in our community this last week! So today as we start the official Teacher Appreciation week, I'd like you to take a minute and tell all of the teachers in your life what they mean to you because honestly there aren't enough gifts in the world to truly thank them for what they do! 

xoxo chef a

Love and Marriage

On the iPod, "Good Lovin (feat. Miguel) By: Ludacris

One of my good friends is right in the middle of a crossroads with her boyfriend... trying to see if there is something there to build a future with or if there are too many issues to go forward. Her latest text to me said something like, "I'm aware I'm ridiculous..." With an attached picture of her text with said boyfriend explaining that they are going to give it another go... 

It made me sit back and think of the many crossroads Mike and I have come to in our relationship and marriage. Saturday will mark our 6th wedding anniversary. But the journey started long ago, actually 16 years and 4 months ago yesterday... I have grown up with him... We are actually coming close to a time when we have been together more years than we haven't.  I would be lying to you if I said that it has been even close to perfect. Honestly, Mike and I have been through the ringer. 

I grew up believing that love should look like Lloyd Dobler in "Say Anything" holding a jam box over his head blasting "In Your Eyes" outside of Diane Court's bedroom window... It took me many years to realize that they also had to deal with big issues like the fact that Diane's father was going to prison for tax fraud among other things. And that his friend was a stalker who was also suicidal.  It wasn't all hot steamy sex in the back seat of a car and love songs...

Being in love and getting married means dealing with each other's families. It means learning to accept that you were raised differently and figuring out together how to raise your own kids knowing that even though you try to take the best parts of how you were both raised you will still undoubtably screw your kids up some. It means forgiving each other even when you think it might be impossible and honestly never giving up. It is going to sleep in your sons twin size bed together because you can't get your kid to sleep in there to save his life and even if you have to shove shoes under the door to lock it shut its still worth it to have the alone time together. Marriage is hard. Loving each other, qwerks and all, is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. But luckily we love each other enough to keep working at it. Our love is a living, breathing organism that really needs constant care, it is not just a piece of paper and words that we said to each other years ago. It is the words and actions that we say and do everyday. It is the way we fight and forgive. It's not easy and quite honestly if it was it would be boring. 

So I don't think my friend is being ridiculous...  I think she is being pretty damn brave. Trying to work on yourself or your relationship is the hardest, most giving thing you can do for each other and for yourself.  I have no idea if this guy is really "the one" for her, but my hope whether it is or isn't is that she comes out of it being stronger, knowing herself better, and wanting to try harder. 

Happy 6th Anniversary to my very own Lloyd Dobler... I love you so much Mike... Here's to many more years of trying... 

xoxo chef a

The Empty Seats

On the iPod "This Woman's Work" by: Maxwell

It's interesting how much our Passover table has changed... It's the one Jewish holiday that I seem to notice the empty chairs the most. I remember setting the table each year after we have lost someone... How final it seems when someone's seat at the seder table is in what feels like seconds... Gone. 

I grew up always being the youngest at the table... Sitting on what was a kitchen step stool instead of a chair because that was the last seat left and somehow everyone had convinced me that it was in fact the best seat.... Hmmmm. Anyways I remember how special the table looked, all of the symbolic things on individual Seder plates at each place setting. The sterling silver and fine china were all laid out on the beautiful embroidered tablecloths that my grandmother had made. It always felt like a royal party and I, of course, was the misunderstood princess always chasing after the big kids! 

After my grandfather died things changed a bit... My aunt started hosting, there were a lot more guests, and I no longer held the place of the youngest... And just like life our table has evolved... The little kids have all grown up and now we have little kids of our own. In what seems like minutes our Seder table is now filled with little voices again... Actually a cool dozen kids under 13, 9 of them 4 and under and 5 in highchairs. It's bittersweet to realize that the chairs are being filled again...

This is a pretty exciting Passover for me. Levi truly understands what we are celebrating and he is thrilled to share his new knowledge with all of the younger kids. It's amazing to see him so confident in knowing the story. I have been very busy cooking for all of my clients and although it is a crazy amount of work that includes a couple of sleepless nights it is a honor for me to make their Seder. To know that the food I am making is part of an experience for families all over this city makes my heart full. I've also been busy this year working on some new recipes from wonderful friends that have now forever changed the landscape of our celebration. 

So although some of the seats at our Seder table will always feel a bit empty... The new seats we have added are pretty incredible. So as another year rolls in I just want to take a minute to be grateful...

I am so grateful for work... For the opportunity to do what I love to do which is really so much more than just cooking food, it is truly creating a memorable culinary experience for generations of families near and dear to my heart. I am so lucky to have these amazing friends and family who fill up the seats in my life. I am very grateful for all of you, especially the ones who have listened to all of my rants this last week!

I wish those who celebrate Passover and Easter this weekend a joyous and memorable holiday. And I hope that by reading this little blog that has somehow managed to reach almost 30,000 hits in the last week. I have made myself a little seat in your life. 

xoxo chef a

Finding a place

On the iPod, "When the Right One Comes Along" By Sam Palladio

There's something about the sound of the chord progression on a guitar. I can't even really put it into words...the notes go higher and lower and then back again and the sound is so vibrant that you can actually feel the musician's finger tips slide across the frets. For me it's euphoric...

I have been trying to find my place at Levi's school... I haven't really figured it out yet. There are a handful of people I have a connection with... One of which I would even say is sort of magical and will hopefully be a friend for life. But the whole experience makes me think back to high school and I try to imagine how people might remember me and if that is so different from who I am now.

Now I'm a mom and a wife and a chef.  But in the back of the closet in the playroom there sits a guitar that used to define me. I mean my senior pictures were with that guitar. I spent a lot of time with that guitar... writing songs about really important things like love and loss and even possibly a song about smoking pot and saving the world that I sang at the talent show of a highly respected college prep school that will remain unnamed for the time being out of respect for that fine institution... A 12-string Taylor was the epitome of who I was... well really of who I am. In a lot of ways at that time it was a security for me. It set me apart from the pack... And I was oddly comfortable with that. So since I can't walk around with a guitar strapped to me I have to get to a place of being comfortable without a safety net.

One of my friends said that making friends as an adult is like dating... You have specific traits that you look for and you really just aren't interested in the bullshit. You want someone who has your back and is willing to put the time and effort into creating a real, lasting friendship and not just another acquaintance. Because acquaintances are just overrated...  So I will continue to be exactly who I am and I will let in the special ones who get me.  I might never really find my place at any school my kids go to... But instead will continue to have special "go to" people in my life who I respect and who respect me as well. Because it's not really about how many friends you have at this age but more importantly the quality of the friend...

xoxo chef a

The Lyrics

On the iPod "Already Home" by A Great Big World

About a month ago I made a decision to get back to MoveStudio and to Nia.

Nia is a fitness class that is a combination of martial arts, modern dance and yoga. MoveStudio is this unbelievable studio that has tons of different class but more importantly has been this amazing community for me.  But with two kids and work I was having a difficult time fitting it in. Allowing myself the time felt like a luxury that I really couldn't afford in so many different ways. I really have been missing it terribly and while I know that it is impossible to be there all of the time, I'm doing my best now to get there when I can! 

I've been going on Sundays. It's not my regular class but the time works for me and Mike  is able to watch the boys! It has been incredible to be back and surrounded by amazing women who give endless support. Last Sunday, Shannon (the instructor) said to us that, "the silence is the plate and the music is the food". Man, does she know the way to my heart or what!   Her words have stuck with me all week. If you don't already know this...music is everything to me. I grew up in a house where music was quite literally blasting through the hallways. All genres, all of the time. My dad lived music... It was such a part of him that his funeral service had its own soundtrack. 

I'm a word girl I'm not going to lie. I can vividly remember opening my newest cassette purchase as a preteen only to lay the lyrics out on the floor of my bedroom and study every word...I still to this day look up every song. And if you are "lucky" enough to be driving next to me on any given day you will know that I can throw down a wicked performance in my car with choreography... I think that's what connected me to nia. It isn't actually the standard nia routines... It is the way instructors can take a song and slip it into the practice and how that one song will change my whole experience. The words just touch me... It's like I have this ability to twist them into what I need to hear that moment... 

I remember awhile ago a close friend told me that she missed my blog posts so much,  especially the iPod suggestions. The funny thing is that the songs I post are so much more than what happens to be playing on my phone as I write... If you think I haven't analyzed the words on repeat at least 20 times before I post it your wrong. It's not like the post always fits the song...The song actually becomes the post...in my head at least. I would tell you what the song is saying to me but that just seems unfair... You should let it talk to you! 

Nia for me is so much than a workout. It's an experience... made richer by the lyrics. The music is what makes it better than just a boring silent plate... See you on the dance floor! 

Xoxo 

Chef a

Sunday Suppers

On the iPod "Frim Fram Sauce" By: Diana Krall

So there are certain things I miss about working in restaurants... I would be lying if I didn't admit to missing the array of really bad dirty jokes that I would hear nightly (the untold perk of being the only girl in the kitchen most days) but more than that I miss "Sunday Dinners".  "Sunday Dinners" consisted of a bunch of cooks throwing some stuff together and making really amazing meals that fed your tummy as much as they fed your soul. It was a time when the staff spent quality time together working on new ideas that weren't quite ready for the general public. 

I've been working through some thoughts in my head of how to fit it in to our life today. The realities of our life are that we have two boys who we love dearly and who run the show in a lot of ways. Mike and I work opposite schedules and Sunday is really our only day off together. The day is just wasted and in general I feel like I'm living in a hamster wheel just spinning and spinning but not able to enjoy the small things that made me want to cook for a living... I want to change that. 

2 short years ago our life was very different, levi was a restaurant kid. I literally took him everywhere with me. He would go to chef meetings at the best restaurants in town (sometimes ordering the most expensive thing on he menu), he never had a normal bedtime (and always took an amazing 3 hour nap in the afternoon), he was very comfortable at white tablecloth restaurants and barely every complained as long as I kept him pretty occupied. Luca is a different kid.... Luca still takes two 2 hour naps a day and goes to sleep at 7:15pm (I can push him till 8 but it's hard) and will sleep till almost 8 am if I let him. The time he is awake is non-stop action... The kid doesn't take a break. When we cut Levi's nap out in the fall things have just really become more difficult.  If we do take them both to dinner it has to be at 5-5:30 and we have to be home at 7. If not it is just not enjoyable for anyone... 

So I thought... Wouldn't it be amazing to have a sunday supper at our house maybe once a month... Invite friends who would like to be a part of something amazing.... Try new recipes. A gourmet pot luck. Kids invited.  Some quality casual time with friends. I'm aware it could be a disaster... There might be rough play, drink stealing, disagreements and a huge mess... And then there's the kids...Just kidding!  But I honestly need something and I'm hoping this is the start of something kind of spectacular. 

I'm not sure of the nitty gritty details yet. But it is in the works. My wheels are turning. Tables are being set. Menus are being planned... This will happen.... Soon. 

Xoxo chef a

The Letter

On the iPod "Forever Young" By: Alphaville

Oh my... I have so much to write... Do you ever have those times when you have about a million ideas/thoughts running through your head but just not enough time to focus on them?  

Well anyways my next post will be about Nia or Sunday supper clubs but tonight I'm writing a blog to a good friend, who happens to be going through something that is near and dear to my heart... Losing a baby...

Dear love-

When I received your text today telling me how sorry you were for not being able to be there for me when I lost the babies like I am for you now it made me sad that you have to know that... Mainly because it is very hard, even sort of impossible, for someone who has never lost a baby to truly understand what it is to lose a baby and I hate that now you know. 

You are dealing with unfortunate comments like... 

"Well you didn't want an unhealthy baby, right?"

"It's G-d's way."

"So next time... Maybe it's best to not tell everyone so early..."

"You got pregnant so fast. It will happen again, at least you know you can get pregnant!"

Blah... blah... blah... 

You lost a baby... You didn't miss carry it... You didn't do anything to make it happen... 

And even if the baby wasn't healthy it really doesn't change the fact that you are heartbroken and if you could just sleep until you are pregnant again you would.  I'm going to guess that your main concern is not deciding when you will tell everyone the next time. And if this is G-d's way then I'm pretty sure you aren't a big fan right now...

You don't need me to tell you that you will survive this because honestly you've seen me do it and deep down you already know you will.  I've been pregnant 5 times and I have two beautiful boys...But I also can still remember every due date... And I can remember everything about the days that the pregnancies ended both the births and the D&Cs. I wish I could tell you that they fade into distant memory but they don't...

You are most likely mad at your body for not being able to perform the way we were always taught it would... You are sort of annoyed that the world is just going on... You will feel like you are staring at every pregnant person and also feel like they think that you are some sort of pregnant imposter... You will meet the odd woman who lost a baby but acts like it was no big deal and she just moved on... She is lying... If not to you, then to herself for sure! You will feel like your friends with babies are hiding from you, even if they are not. And you will undoubtedly feel like you have let the closest people around you down, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. 

So now you are one of us...like it or not.  And you get to be the most amazing friend to the next member. You get to tell her your story. You get to be there for her like not many friends can be. And you will show her how you survived just like she will. 

I hope that you will take the grieving process to heart and embrace every part of it because it is a gift that not everyone takes. I know you know that I am here for you now and forever. 

Love,
 me

xoxo chef a

The Recovery

On the iPod "Arms" by: Christina Perri

First off I'm so sorry for the delay in reporting how levi is doing. I'm not going to lie, we have had a rough week.... And I really needed things to get better before I could write if that makes sense...

When I left you last it was about midnight on Friday night after Levi's surgery. I had a bit of a scare because I could not get levi to wake up. We had to call the on call dr in the middle of the night because levi just wouldn't wake up and was breathing funny and I was scared out of my mind. Everyone had told me to stay on top of his meds making sure that we woke him up in the middle of the night to take them... Well there was no waking him up... I sat for the next 6 hours and watched him breathe.  He really didn't come around until 6 am. The doctors had told us that Saturday would be the best day. He had a nerve block so there wasn't very much pain. He was uncomfortable but it was not terrible. 

Luca came home in the afternoon with 102.5.  I ran him to pedi after hours because I was worried about an ear infection because there were no other symptoms but they told me that it was probably a virus and teething.  So we just treated the fever and held him...

Over the next 24 hours things got progressively worse, levi was throwing up blood and having massive stomach distress and luca's fever was up to 104. We tried and tried to get levi to spit any blood out but he kept swallowing it which just made things worse. And He was bouncing off the walls! Luca was a full blown mess and very unhappy. Oh wait and this is where is gets good... Ice storm 2015 was upon us and I was bracing myself for lockdown with two sick kids who couldn't even hangout together and No way out...

Monday morning luca woke up with 104.5. Because of the ice storm we couldn't get through to the doctor,  The after hours phone line was messed up for both our pediatrician and for Levi's Ent so besides a pediatrician friend who is amazing and talked me through what was going on, I really had no contact with the doctors who were keeping tabs on how it was going!   I was just trying to keep everyone happy and comfortable and away from each other! 

I had the bright idea of setting up an air mattress in the tv room and levi pretty much spent all day there, it was pretty genius! Monday night luca's fever finally broke. Levi's stomach was still an issue but we discovered that he was having an adverse reaction to the pain medicine which was making him crazy, so we just treated him with over the counter meds! 

Tuesday morning i was able to get in contact with our pedi office and got luca in. I just wanted to make sure there wasn't an ear infection... Well as soon as I removed his shirt I noticed a rash all over his body... He had roseola. High fever followed by a rash... Pretty textbook. And he was/is cutting his I teeth which are just the most awesome ones... And the most painful! Levi on the other hand seemed to be getting a bit better... On Wednesday, His class FaceTimed him which was the highlight of his day! They also sent a cute video which we have probably watched 100 times. He started to become very lethargic that afternoon and by Wednesday night was complaining of pain which he really just doesn't do.

I felt like an awesome mother when at his one week follow up appt the ENT found fluid in both ears (obviously why he was feeling worse!) Everything else was looking good but the dr thought that the infection was not responding to the antibiotic he was on (shocking! Not!) so we changed antibiotics! The ear issues can happen during sinus surgery as they flush the sinuses... water and bacteria can enter the ear canal... We are hoping that it was just part of the surgery and that he is now on the mend! He will be out of school another week mainly for the purpose of giving his little body a chance to heal and giving his immune system a much needed break. 

I can not begin to thank our amazing school community and friends for really taking the best care of us. A couple of the most incredible ladies set up a meal train for us and I really didn't have to worry about dinner for the whole week which was awesome. And those of you who brought gifts, lunch, games, movies and art projects to keep us busy... Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

I am not one to ask for help. It is just not in my nature and these amazing people in my life just did it. They helped us. They took care of us! They called and texted and made us feel loved everyday and there is nothing I can do or say or even write that will fully express how much it meant to me, mike, levi and luca. We will forever be grateful! 

Here's to hoping this week is a calm one! 

xoxo chef a 

The Surgery

On the iPod "Love Runs Out" by: OneRepublic

So I thought I'd blog about today because well it's the easiest way to get information to everyone! 

The day started out pretty uneventful. We let Levi sleep in because we knew it would be a long day. Our surgeon gave us the option of having Levi's surgery done in the hospital or the surgery center but urged us to have it done at the surgery center because it's a more controlled environment... ie: less patients, less sickness, and more one on one attention. We all decided the surgery center was the way to go especially with Levi's IgA issues... The last thing we needed is Levi to pick up a super bug while we are trying to rid him of one! 

Anyways, I dropped Lu off at my moms and came back to the house. Mike and I were able to spend some quality time with Levi getting him up and dressed. We explained to Levi what was in store for the day and he seemed ok with it. 

We arrived at the surgery center at 11:30. It was very nice! There were lots of climbing toys which allowed Levi to burn off some energy! We were taken back to pre-op at noon and met with the anesthesiologist and the surgeon. And at this point knew things were running a tad behind. Levi was given this magical stuff called silly juice and let me tell you he could have cared less what time it was!  They finally took him back at a quarter to 2. 

The surgery itself went well! He did great under anesthesia and it took exactly 2 hours just as planned. There was massive infection especially on his right side. They are sending it to be cultured to make sure it is being treated right. They drilled holes into the sinus cavities and shaved the bone a bit.

The adenoids were huge and obviously needed to come out. The doctor said that luckily the high dose steroid that Levi has been on the last week did its job to control some of the inflammation so that they could have clearance to work in such a tiny space! 

We were absolutely thrilled that we made the choice to have this all done knowing now that obviously he really needed it. Everybody kept telling us that no doubt this would change his life.

Recovery was a little harder than expected. Levi was the only patient there at this point and received amazing care but he had a really hard time waking up. Not because he woke up angry but more because he just really wasn't waking up!  After about 2 hours he finally came around enough to go home. 

So at 6pm we were finally on our way home. Levi has been out most of the night. We were  able to get him up to eat.  It took a couple of tries because he kept falling asleep at the table but in normal Levi style the 4 boxes of Popsicles I bought were kicked to the curb and instead he ate a half of a baked chicken and 4 rolls! (many thanks to the Bock/Stoutmeyer family for bringing us dinner) We did curb the heavy meds a little because he is so out of it. We are still treating the pain but the narcotics are just too much at this point and we obviously don't want it to effect his breathing. He is getting pretty swollen which he is not thrilled about but other than that he looks pretty good! 

Luckily I was able to sleep from about 8:30-11 tonight and my amazing mom took luca for the night so that we can focus on Levi. I'm thinking I will be up most of the night just watching him breathe lol. 

Anyways that's all I have for now. The messages, texts, and calls have honestly been wonderful. Just knowing that everyone is thinking of and praying for our sweet boy means everything to us. And to our family and close friends that have pushed me to accept some help over the next couple of weeks... Thank you! Sometimes it is hard for me to accept help... It's an issue... But the amount of relief that I have knowing that we will have some much needed support so that mike and I can focus on Levi is pretty amazing.

Talk soon

Xoxo chef a

Tomorrow

On the iPod "Thinking Out Loud" by: Ed Sheeran

Nervous energy.... 

From the time I can remember I've been a leg shaker... My leg can shake about a mile a minute. Sometimes it goes so fast that those close to me can hear it shaking...

Tonight it might even be going two miles an minute...

Tomorrow Levi is having surgery...

He has been sick for awhile now. It started kind of quietly when he was 2. We brushed it off as allergies. Around 2 1/2 we added asthma to the mix which no one even thought was weird since my brother Adam and I had terrible childhood asthma (I actually spent most of the preteen years on steroids.) So when the hives started around age three we took note but still just treated the symptoms and went along our merry way. 

Unfortunately, in the last year things have gotten worse... Hives every couple of months turned into hives every other day. Once we got the hives under control the asthma would flare up. Most days he is very tired and in the mornings he feels awful... Levi has been on some sort of antibiotic for the last 14 weeks and nothing has made a dent. He feels terrible and he somehow pushes on because well honestly I'm not sure he knows that the discomfort he feels is actually not normal. 

Since September of this year we have been to 16 doctors appointments, Levi has had 12 tubes of blood taken (which if you'd ask him, he would really like returned), 6 swab cultures, ct scans. X-rays, and enough poking and prodding to last a lifetime, but thankfully we finally have some answers..

Levi has an IgA deficiency.  In a nutshell it means that his immune system is not producing enough of the antibodies that help him fight some infections. In Levi case, it is a horrible sinus infection that has pretty much taken up shop with no desire to leave and is very resistant. 

So tomorrow Levi is having a major surgery to create drains in his sinuses and they will try to remove as much infection as they can while they are in there. They are also going to take his adenoids! 

I'm a nervous wreck... We would really love all of your prayers not only for a smooth surgery tomorrow but also some prayers for his body to start working hard to fight back. We need all of the antibodies to amp up and give him an immune system so that he can focus of filling up his brain with knowledge instead of infection! So please think good thoughts and send him as much juju as possible!!

Xoxo chef a

Authentic

On the iPod "A Thousand Years" By: Christina Perri

How to be your authentic self. 

I'm not going to lie I've been wrestling with this sentence for almost a month now. And that is in fact why the blog has been a bit silent.  I've been struggling to find a voice that I hid a few years ago.  Don't get me wrong, It wasn't really hidden as much as I think I put it away for safe keeping...

When I started to write this blog, I promised myself that I would only write my truth and well some of that has been painful, not only for me but also for those close to me.

Pain is not always a bad thing, it can actually be empowering.  And I'm happy to say that the blog gave me 

Strength.

It was an addictive kind of strength.  I can't even describe what it is like to walk into a room of people who have read what in all honesty is like your personal diary.  I have never been embarrassed about anything I've written in these pages because it is who I am. 

But then I was surprised ...

and I somehow started to believe that my openness, my truth...That innate quality that I have that draws people in was somehow my weakness.  And something in me shut down... out of protection.

I can't tell you how many times in the last two and a half years I sat in front of the computer screen trying to find the words.  The REAL words.  My authentic self...but then the weakness came over me and I started thinking more about how my words would be received and less about why I needed to say them and was left with no words.  It is funny how that works! 

There have been many around me who question my openness and see it as a weakness.  And I have let the thoughts and fears of others influence what I was willing to share. But I am done with that. Being silent is not a REAL form of protection.  

There are some of you out there who will never know the strength that comes from being authentic. You will read my words and in your head you will wonder why I have to write all of this and you might even whisper about me to your friends.  But then you will put your kids to bed at night and secretly hope that I have written a new post.  You will wonder how I can touch on so many feelings you have and you might even be shocked by how much we have in common even though I am obviously so different from you...

xoxo chef a

What's For Lunch...

On the ipod "My Heart Is Open (feat. Gwen Stefani)" By: Maroon 5

So there has been a lot of chatter about Levi's school lunches... So I wanted to answer some questions, post a couple of recipes and explain how easy it is to do this yourself... if you want to.

About three years ago we started packing Levi's lunches in a planetbox lunch box for various reasons, so to answer the first question why a planetbox?

#1 I have a strong belief that food is extremely visual. The planetbox is pretty.  Not pretty because its has the best characters on the outside but pretty because it is neaust because it is in it!

#2 Because of all of the small compartments it forces me to give Levi a myriad of choices. The outside cover also holds his water and mid morning snack. As to not waste valuable lunch space!

#3 I also love the fact that the planetbox can be washed in the dishwasher and that it has held up well for three years and still looks almost brand new.

How do I cut out all of the cute shapes?

I use mostly metal cookie cutters that I have collected over the years in addition to some Japanese garnishing tools that date back to culinary school. You can find mini cookie cutters in various places... cake decorating stores, craft stores and even online although amazon should be ashamed for selling mini metal cookie cutters for $5 dollars each! (btw I would never pay that)  Some shapes I do cut by hand but not that many.

How long does it take me to make is lunch?

While I'm flattered that some of you think I stay up all night doing these, the true is on average they take about 5-10 minutes prep time.  But I do think about them all of the time. I try to make lunches that interest him.  He loves fish, tornados, whirlpools, car washes, volcanos.  In school they are studying about fruits and focusing a lot on letters and words so I really try to bring all of those elements into his lunch.

Does he eat all of the food?

It depends. he's three. I made him a jello pond with apricot fish in it..."he told me he couldn't eat it because the fish were swimming!" Will I try it again...absolutely!  Levi eats a lot of stuff that most kids wont.  He has woken up in the middle of the night and asked for an English cucumber and actually ate the entire thing... He has also been exposed to a lot of different kinds of food...its sort of the plus to being a chef's son.  He is not into sugar unless its a sour patch kid or a soda.  He threw up the last time he ate a cupcake, but every once in a while he will eat cake with no icing.  I usually don't order a standard kid menu item for him at a restaurant because honestly how can I expect him to try new foods if every time we go out he eats chicken nuggets and these days it doesn't matter if we go to Amercian, Mexican or Chinese the kids menu is almost identical...  Actually don't even get me started on chicken nuggets because I think they are the downfall of American cuisine.. Im not against a piece of fried chicken or even a chicken tender but the formed nuggets are just unfortunate. And honestly if restaurant chef's decided to get just a little more creative and realize that the children eating at their restaurants will one day be adult patrons, maybe we wouldn't see the same stale kids menu... I digress.... So he eats most of the food but does leave some.  Most parents introduce foods to their child once... If they refuse it, the parent doesn't send it again. Most children, most adults actually are not crazy about something the first time they see it.... I'm not saying to send your kid with a lunchbox full of stuff they dont eat... Instead maybe send a couple of new things a week. Make it different ways, spice it up!

Do I do this to show off? 

Ha! No if showing off was using cookie cutters then I really don't get paid enough!  I work alot... And not just away from the home... I have to tell my boys I'm working even sometimes when I'm with them. I work on most holidays and my work doesn't ever really end... That is really hard to understand when you are three.  So making great exciting lunches for him is honestly a great way for him to have a constant everyday reminder that even if its at 530 am and he is still sleeping... I am thinking about him and taking time to do something for him. And I enjoy it! Food should be fun when you are 3! Actually food should always be fun... Why not?  I hear from friends and clients everyday that lunches are a beating so if by me posting pictures even just helps a couple of moms with ideas then it is totally worth it!

Can I have the recipes? 

If it is something that I'm making for my kiddos, absolutely. There are some proprietary recipes that I use for work but most of the time I'm pretty open :) so the much requested veggie chili recipe is here!

Veggie chili

1 Tb olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
2-3 cloves garlic, chopped
2 mixed (red, yellow, orange) peppers, diced and completely optional
2 -15 oz cans chili beans, not drained
2 -15 oz cans navy beans, drained
2 -15 oz cans black beans, drained
2 -15 oz can pinto or kidney beans, drained
2 -15 1/2 oz can petit diced tomatoes, not drained
3 tablespoons chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp oregano
Salt and pepper to taste
Cayenne pepper to taste

In a soup pot bring oil up to smoking add onions and peppers, sauté until slightly soft. Add the garlic and continue cooking over medium high heat for 1 min. Add all of the beans and tomatoes and the chili powder, cumin and oregano. Reduce heat to medium low. Continue to simmer for about 10-12 minutes or until flavors meld and a nice rich sauce develops. Serve with cheese and chips. You can also top with fresh guacamole and/or sour cream

 

xoxo chef a