L-O-V-E

On the IPOD "Keep Breathing" by: Ingrid Michaelson

First off I have to tell you that I just took the most amazing Nia class called "Soundings". The music is like an opera, it tells the story of a warrior who goes off to war and then once the war is over he has to figure out who he really is... It is interesting to me that this happened to be the routine we did on a day that I was already so introspective about my own journey...

I want to talk with you about love! What does it mean to say that you love someone...I wish that there were a million other words to describe types of love but unfortunately there is only one real word that describes whatever love is supposed to mean. I hope I'm not rambling...

Is it possible to love someone if you don't love yourself?

For years while I was just dating Mike I thought we were in love...we lived with each other and had a life together, but looking back it wasn't real love. It was a sort of toxic love...each of us taking a turn hurting each other and then loving each other. Most likely if we had married then we would surely be divorced today. I cant speak for him but I know that for myself there is no way that I could have possibly loved him when I was so unhappy with myself. I would say that we truly fell in love with each other about a year and a half ago. I was slowly recovering from the death of my father and we went to see a therapist to see if there was something worth saving...

Our therapy sessions ended when we were at a crossroads... Pretty much the therapist asked, "What are you looking for in this relationship?" We had all the wrong answers and we left the session thinking that our relationship was over. There were tears and hurt feeling and fear for what the future held. But something happened on the drive home, I let go ... I let go of my incessant need to control the situation. I let go of my fear of abandonment. I let go my constant worry that he didn't love me for me and I decided that whether he loved me or not I was going to try to love myself. I slowly realized that I was worth something and I gave myself permission to be loved. And then all of the sudden nothing on the list of what I was looking for compared to my desire to share my life with him...rich or poor, kids or no kids, house or no house...

Over the last year I have realized that eveything I thought about love was just Hollywood. I have learned that real love is not about presents and romantic get aways (although those do help!) It is really about helping each other become the best version of yourself. I know now that love is selfless. And although it is hardwork and can even be painful at times there is not a minute in my life that I question my choice.

So I guess my question to you is what does love mean to you and are you really allowing yourself to be loved?

xoxo chef a