Thursday, April 22, 2010

Checked Out

On the IPOD "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

What does the idea of NO MORE DRAMA mean? I think that in general we as a society have mixed feelings about it... On one hand we really don't want to be involved and on the other we just can't seem to look away.

It has been brought to my attention that I'm an easy target for drama. It probably stems from the fact that I'm a pleaser... I allow myself to be right in the thick of it... And I can't anymore!

When I wake up in the morning I have to make a conscience effort to pick myself. I'm so used to spending my time "working" on all of my friends that I can honestly say it is painful at times when the phone rings and I know that I shouldn't pick it up.

Yesterday morning I had a visit with the OB/Gyn. The nurse calmly sat me down in the waiting room and said, "I feel your tenseness, the stress needs to stop if you want to get pregnant." Ha! easy for her to say...trying to get pregnant is like waiting for water to boil. You want it to happen so quickly so you just sit there watching it, like somehow that is going to speed it up. Unfortunately the more she spoke with me the more I realized that she was not talking as much about my stress over the pregnancy, it was more about the outside stress that she could see permeating through my brain. Who knew I was so transparent??

I guess I'm a slow learner because it is just now hitting me that sometimes you just have to sit back and watch the drama pass you can't help the ones drowning in it without drowning yourself. And it is extremely difficult to watch!

My friend Lisa and I have created a code word...whenever we are being engaged by the drama, instead to picking up the phone or sending a unnecessary text to the drama devils, we just simply text each other the word, vagina! I mean in general it's pretty hard to not laugh when you see the word (or derivatives of the word) pop up on your phone. I guess it's our simple cry for help...

I completely checked out yesterday...I needed a day to feel the frustrations of infertility. I needed to cry and mope and really give myself an opportunity to grieve over the fact that I'm not one of those girls that can just think about having a baby and then all of the sudden be pregnant (BTW I have thought I was this girl my whole life, like a Fertile Mertle) This infertility stuff is like a bad dream!

I ended my day with a chef meeting at a place called "Chocolate Secrets". They have the most beautiful delicious french chocolates. And it is true, chocolate just makes you feel better!!

I do have one exciting bit of news... I was shocked to get on the scale last night and see that I have lost 7.5 pounds in the last 10 days. WHOO HOO!!!

xoxo chef a


gretch said...

Amanda, my cousin had these same problems getting pregnant (so did my aunt) take a baby asprin each worked for both of them!

Also, hang in there girl! The worst that can happen is you don't get to carry your own child...a child isn't because you made it, it is because you LOVE and CARE for them. Either way, you will make a pretty amazing mommy!

sharyn said...

One thing you don't need is a stressed out fetus. Breathe...