Sunday, May 2, 2010

Hunger Pains

On the IPOD "Be Still" by: Kelly Clarkson

I would be lying if I told you I feel completely normal right now at 3:16 in the morning. I'm having crazy dreams and I have woken Mike up three times and let's just say he's over it :).

Why is it that when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm starving...like I haven't eaten in weeks. The sad thing is the myriad of things I'm in the mood for: I would totally eat a ramen cup of soup (most likely the saltiest and most processed food product on the market), I would also tear up some bagel chips and extra spicy hummus or even a can of green beans. I know the last one is just plain weird yet if you were to be spying on me at the moment you would see me opening a can of organic green beans, it's not that I wouldn't rather have nice fresh haricot verts (french green beans), but I don't have any and to tell you the truth there is something comforting about the odd metallic taste of cold canned green beans in the wee hours of the morning...

When I was gone last week I did alot of thinking... I have been teetering with the revelation that I'm a little burnt out cooking wise and I knew that I just needed a jump start. I needed time to visit local markets and to cook from my heart instead of counting every calorie. I needed to throw things in a blender and see what came out.

Being a chef is sort of like having an attitude problem. It is half real cooking knowledge and half cockiness. It is a delicate balance, because if you think too much or question yourself you could end up losing your edge. To be honest the issue with my client a couple of weeks ago threw me for a loop...it made me question what I'm doing as a chef. It wasn't that I didn't know the answers, I think I just had to find them out again... I know that my first love is dinner parties where I'm given some amount of creative control and I know that I like personal cheffing because it allows me to create bonds with the families I'm feeding. But beyond that how does artistry intertwine with crazy diets. How do I change the school of thought that has made americans want the most amount of processed food for the least amount of calories instead of a smaller portion of the best tasting real food? I don't know the answer yet, but I know that if I want to stick with this career I need to find out. I know that I'm more excited about work tonight than I have been in weeks and that's a good thing!

I don't know... I'm sure it has to do with my personal dieting...I need to find a way to allow myself to love food. I will never be someone who looks at food as a source of energy nor do I want that. My relationship with food has always been a love affair, it just used to be a manipulative abusive one and now I just want it to be a healthy one.

xoxo chef a

3 comments:

Debbie said...

Good post, Amanda! I second your last paragraph.

Shoes Of Course said...

Wondering about the difference in flavors. Do the canned organic green beans taste like the regular canned green beans?

Anonymous said...

Yes actually they taste quite similar :) !!! Chef a