Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Time To Let Go!
On the IPOD "Whiskey Lullaby" By: Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley
To all of you who knew this was going to happen I commend you on your foresight!
I have realized that maybe I was unrealistic about my working schedule both before the end of the year and after Levi gets here.
I'm a workaholic by nature... I have a very difficult time saying no to clients... I work almost every day of the week. I really like making money and to be honest our financial stability depends on the money I make. Although I love working for myself the downside is that private insurance does not include maternity benefits so let's just say little Levi is a very expensive package!!!
And to add insult to injury my career does not come with a whole lot of job security... ie: I can't really call the human resources department if someone stops using my services while I'm out on maternity leave!
Anyways because of all of these reasons my plans were to work up until delivery and then to take a couple of weeks off and then to jump right back into work with a baby in tow!
Well yesterday morning after sleeping a total of 2 hours and waking up to sharp shooting pains from the top of my uterus to my pelvic area... I broke down and thought maybe I'm being a tad bit unrealistic...
The anxiety that came over me as I headed to work did not include any of the fears I have read about... I'm not scared of the actual birth nor do I have fears about caring for a newborn... I, Amanda Marrone, am extremely afraid of not being able to work... Well actually it's more that I'm afraid of not making money!
When I called the doctor to let them know what was going on they assured me that it is normal and most likely braxton hicks and that my body is just getting ready but that they would check to make sure I wasn't dilating or anything at my next appointment. The nurse went on to say that because I work on my feet all day it might be time to slow down and think about going on maternity leave. As the tears hit my cheek I thought to myself... What is this maternity leave you speak of??? Heck I can't even get my private insurance to pay a doctors bill!
After work I took a long nap, Mike called on his way home and after I shed some more tears, he reassured me that it will all work out... And if I can't continue to work up until Levi gets here then I just won't! It did make me feel better that he is behind me with whatever needs to happen in the coming weeks!
I'm not going to lie... my expectations of what I will be able to accomplish work wise while on very little sleep after the boy is here are probably still completely unrealistic but at least I know that I am able to break down a little bit and realize that it most likely won't go according to my plan.
xoxo chef a