Sunday, January 7, 2018

10 Years

On the iPod, “Better Place” by: Rachel Platten

Here I am again...wide awake...January 7th...3am... 

10 years....

How has it been 10 years since I saw you and heard your voice? 

As I lie here in bed with big tears rolling down my cheeks my heart actually hurts and the lump is in my throat making it hard to breathe...

I feel like I can’t remember what your voice sounds like...

I’ve heard so many other voices in the last 10 years, they are somehow drowning yours out. The images are getting blurry also...If I close my eyes tightly I can remember little details like when you would hold the coffee cup against your cheeks to warm them and what your hands looked like, but they are fading into images of what my own hands look like and my own feeling of the coffee cup against my cheeks. I feel like I am losing you. 

If this is 10 years what will 20 feel like??? I need it to slow down, I need more time, it’s all going by way too fast. You’ve missed so much, we have missed so much, I miss you so much. 

6 grandsons, 6 little boys with parts of you woven into them like strands of gold glittering in every direction. They are so bright and funny and gorgeous... a testament of your legacy. Ugh... I hope I get to see you again. And hear your voice again. 29 years just wasn’t enough. 

10 years... 10 years... I just can’t believe it’s been 10 years. I will never get over it. I have chosen to be in this moment, but it is hard to not feel the weight of not having you here. So right now, at 3am on January 7th, I will feel it all in the bittersweet silence surrounded by little men with glittering gold strands of you. Thank you Daddy! Thank you for allowing me to see you through them. 
I love you. 

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