We need to talk about Anthony

On the IPOD, “Issues” by Julia Michaels

The article below is everything about being a chef. If you are in the industry and you are ignoring the truth of it then you are lying to yourself. The restaurant industry is such a perfect fit for kids like me who thrive with hands on learning and love to be creative unfortunately the job also comes with very deep rabbit holes that you have to watch out for.

Almost 20 years ago, I left the restaurant business to become a personal chef. At the time most saw it as a lateral move. But in truth it wasn’t...

“Famous chefs” were just really beginning, the Food Network was super green and women chefs were finally starting to break out of the pastry chef/baker position. I think in some ways I let some mentors down by choosing to go out on my own and cook in clients homes rather than work my way up in the exciting world of 5 star restaurants. I vividly remember a conversation in culinary school with my instructor who was concerned that I was going to get bored and accused me of wasting my “g-d given talent”. In truth, I actually agreed with him...

But I wasn’t wasting it in vain.

I made a choice. I had been working in the high end restaurant industry since I was 16 and don’t get me wrong it was exciting and fun and not boring in the slightest, but it wasn’t always pretty. Everyone was stressed. Self medication seemed to be the answer to everything. Divorces were being handed out faster than the numerous drugs changing hands and the question wasn’t whether someone partied it was more a question of if they were responsible and could party and still rally and show up for work on time? And let’s just say money wasn’t free flowing to the back of the house... no one was getting rich in the kitchen! So I made the ultimate decision that my LIFE was more important than excitement and possible fame. Honestly, I knew that I wanted kids and that I really wanted to be involved in their lives and I also knew that I hadn’t met a chef yet who was living their best life and had it all. Has it been hard to watch from the sidelines sometimes... hell yes! Is my job less stressful? Hmmm...in ways. Whether you work in an actual restaurant or at a home being a chef is not for the faint of heart. It can be an extremely lonely job even when you are surrounded by people everyday. Pleasing everyone is hard on either end and there is still the constant battle to stay ahead of the trends and the minuscule margin for error.  Food just has to be extraordinary if you want to stay in business. To be truly successful you have to do everything above plus you have to have the perfect blend of cockiness and the ability to bend, a strong backbone and nerves of steel. If you don’t... pick another career because the culinary world will eat you alive! Am I content with my choice? For the most part yes. I get to have this amazing personal chef business with the best clients and rock out some crazy over the top intimate dinner parties. I still work crazy hours and almost every freaking holiday...But 85% of the time I get to put my kids to bed and take them to school in the mornings. 

I also get to watch some extremely level headed talented chef friends throw down some killer Dallas eats... one who I grew up with (Eric Dreyer) and one who has grown up with me since culinary school and who has continually been a supporter of mine and listener to all of my crazy ideas (Oliver Sitrin). They have both done AMAZING things in this industry and I can’t wait to see what is still to come for them!! Will this always be enough for me... most definitely not! I have a fire in my soul just waiting to come out...when the time is right. Being a chef for the last 24 years has been such a gift and I’m excited to continue, but tonight I am going to bed a bit sad that so many in my industry are still struggling with everyday demons. The stigmas of getting help are still rampant. I don’t know the answer to fixing it but it isn’t just about posting suicide hotlines and blogging about better healthcare. Don’t get me wrong those are absolutely important. But we need to change the way we talk about mental health. So I’m asking you all a favor... if you are taking medicine for depression or anxiety or if you are like me and have been going to therapy since the age of 7 or even if you have ever felt overwhelmed by emotions (so pretty much everyone!!!) I want you to talk to your kids about it. I want you to explain to them why you take medicine or why you go the therapy or tell them about a time in your life that wasn’t comfortable emotionally and then I want you to give them the gift of being able to ask for help... explain to them that if they ever want to talk to someone or if they feel sad or even afraid or stressed that it doesn’t mean they are weak or weird and that there is help available. Maybe just maybe if we make treating their brains and hearts as important as honing their sports skills we will end up with a generation of kids who will prioritize their mental health and who will never feel like ending their life is the only option. 

Rest easy Tony. 👊🏻 ✌🏻 ❤️ 

Xoxo chef A

https://www.foodandwine.com/chefs/anthony-bourdain-restaurant-industry-mental-health

If you need help, here is a list of people and places that want to hear from you, culled from Chefs With Issues:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7. suicidepreventionlifeline.org

National Alliance on Mental Illness: NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness. nami.org

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) is the agency within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services that leads public health efforts to advance the behavioral health of the nation. SAMHSA’s mission is to reduce the impact of substance abuse and mental illness on America’s communities. samhsa.gov

How to grow a man...

On the IPod, “We’re Going To Be Friends” by: The White Stripes

When I was 5, I attended Cardinal Preschool and I was in “love” with a boy named Tommy L. I have about 5 vivid memories of preschool. I remember accidentally slamming my hand in the metal doors of the building, refusing to eat chocolate covered ants (chocolate covered Rice Krispies), missing the last day because I had the chicken pox, the kissing game (a game at recess where one would trap a boy or girl against the chain link fence and lay one on him/her. I’m pretty sure this game would not be allowed in 2018... but hey it was the ‘80s), and that time Tommy L. asked me on a date to Wendy’s (with his mom). See Tommy L. had a special mom. The kind of mom who was teaching her son how to make a girl feel special. I have to say the date was pretty magical... I mean I had never even been to a Wendy’s before and he brought me a rose and even had a chauffeured car (his mom again). I’m pretty sure we weren’t in an exclusive relationship (I found out later that Missy Paquin had also been to the Wendy’s) and our love affair was short lived, but it was a highlight of my 5th year for sure! After preschool, Tommy L. and I went our separate ways. We attended different elementary schools but I heard his name every now and then from mutual friends, he gave up the L. and decided to go by his whole last name at some point. The memory of such a special day stuck with me for a long time. And more than anything Tommy L. unknowingly set the bar pretty high. 

When I had Levi, I immediately felt this intense desire and purpose to teach him how to be a thoughtful, kind, and romantic man. I wanted to be like Tommy’s mom. It’s sort of funny because we live in a world where most people are sort of obsessed with training their boys how to play sports and sleep in a tent outside and in general be the fastest and the best. But here I am teaching him table manners and dating etiquette.  How I see it is the world has enough sports stars and to be honest these little boys don’t need me pushing them to be the fastest and the strongest... it seems like life pushes them enough. But the world is in desperate need of men who know how to set tables and cook dinners and buy flowers and say nice wonderful things to the people around them. So what my boys need to know is how powerful and strong it can be to make someone else feel special and that the shiniest trophy in the world holds nothing to the feeling you get from being kind. 

Two weeks ago, Levi and 6 of his best buddies performed a hip hop dance at his elementary school’s talent show. Last year we had given the girls from his kinder class roses after they performed and Levi had insisted that we pass them out again this year. So here we came with 17 individually wrapped roses for 17 little first grade girls. As I followed him while he handed out each rose a parent of one of the girls said, “Oh this is so unnecessary, you didn’t have to buy flowers for all these girls!” I silently gave her a head nod and a smile and just simply said that Levi wanted to! What that mom doesn’t know is that the gesture was anything but unnecessary! You see... those 7 little boys danced their hearts out that night.... they had practiced for months and they were nothing short of amazing but as we loaded up in the car after the show my little 7 year old boy said, “Mom, hearing the clapping and the cheers after we danced tonight was fun but the best part of tonight was seeing the girls smiles when I gave them their rose. I can’t wait to do it again next year!” I mean if that isn’t a parenting mic drop moment I’m not sure what is! 

I’m sure that Tommy wasn’t always a perfect gentleman and I’m sure he made some mistakes  but something tells me that his Mom kept helping him become a better man along the way. 

He is now married to what has to be a pretty amazing woman and has a daughter and a son of his own, who I’m sure is taking some lucky lady to Wendy’s! When I messaged to him to say that I was writing this his response was, “It’s so great to hear from you. My mom IS pretty amazing... she taught me well!”

So boy moms listen up! It doesn’t matter if you have 1 of them or 8! The next time someone says, “wow, all boys... I don’t know how you do it?!?” Or looks at you with a sad puppy dog face as if they are sad for you that you have a male child...I want you to dig deep and be the best mom you can be. Because you know what... you are pretty damn lucky that you get to be an amazing mom helping little boys become great men! Not everyone has that opportunity! 

xoxo

Amanda

Soccer Monster

On the iPod, “Can’t Stop The Feeling” by: Justin Timberlake

Ode to soccer accessories...

56 soccer games, 7 pairs of black shorts, 12 black soccer socks, and 16 shin guards of course...

It’s crazy and awful and terrible you see because I must have a black short and soccer sock wearing monster doing laundry with me. 

In June of 2017,  I bought 4 pairs of black shorts, soccer socks, shin guards and new cleats. Each week comes and goes and it’s frustrating to me that I’ve added pairs and pairs of all stinking three. And today the night before the very last game I’ve searched high and low and now feel totally lame. I have rainbows of colored shorts and neon socks in a stack, but you know what I’m missing 19 things that are black! 

So as I stand here covered with piles and piles of clothes with fire hot steam billowing out of my mouth and my nose... I think to myself about that monster you see, he is hiding somewhere just laughing at me. Wearing layers and layers of soccer supplies, I hope he is happy cause I’m breaking the ties! Soccer is over this year and it doesn’t pain me to say that I won’t shed a tear at least not over black shorts in May. Bye bye little monster don’t you come back here at all and I better not see you... at least until next Fall! 

xoxo chef a

10 Years

On the iPod, “Better Place” by: Rachel Platten

Here I am again...wide awake...January 7th...3am... 

10 years....

How has it been 10 years since I saw you and heard your voice? 

As I lie here in bed with big tears rolling down my cheeks my heart actually hurts and the lump is in my throat making it hard to breathe...

I feel like I can’t remember what your voice sounds like...

I’ve heard so many other voices in the last 10 years, they are somehow drowning yours out. The images are getting blurry also...If I close my eyes tightly I can remember little details like when you would hold the coffee cup against your cheeks to warm them and what your hands looked like, but they are fading into images of what my own hands look like and my own feeling of the coffee cup against my cheeks. I feel like I am losing you. 

If this is 10 years what will 20 feel like??? I need it to slow down, I need more time, it’s all going by way too fast. You’ve missed so much, we have missed so much, I miss you so much. 

6 grandsons, 6 little boys with parts of you woven into them like strands of gold glittering in every direction. They are so bright and funny and gorgeous... a testament of your legacy. Ugh... I hope I get to see you again. And hear your voice again. 29 years just wasn’t enough. 

10 years... 10 years... I just can’t believe it’s been 10 years. I will never get over it. I have chosen to live...to be in this moment, but it is hard to not feel the weight of not having you here. So right now, at 3am on January 7th, I will feel it all in the bittersweet silence surrounded by little men with glittering gold strands of you. Thank you Daddy! Thank you for allowing me to see you through them. 

I love you. 

A