Wednesday, January 6, 2016

If I knew then what I know now...

On the IPod, "Lay Me Down" by Sam Smith

If I knew then what I know now...

8 years ago tonight I heard my dad's voice for the last time. I spent most of the entire next day talking to him but He never woke up and then he died that night.  He was sick for a long time and I'd have to admit, I spent a lot of that time worried about how long we would have with him. I worried about missing every little moment with him that I think in some ways i didn't enjoy those moments. I worried that he would miss everything important in my life... My wedding, my children, the good decisions and of course the bad ones too. If I had known then what I know now I would have worried less... He did miss all of those things and so much more. The worrying took up precious moments then that honestly I wish I could have back. 

I have written multiple blogs about that day, last years being the most personal. But what I haven't written much about is what I would have done differently... And how I will use the experience of losing him to teach my own children to stay in the moment... because none of it is guaranteed.

I will not say that these last 8 years have been all sugar and roses, they have been challenging. There has been extreme happiness but also sadness and hurt. I thought eight years ago that I would miss him most at the high moments... The weddings, celebrations and babies. I never would have guessed that I actually would miss him more at the darker times, the times when he wasn't there to help me back up or to just sit next to me and hold my hand.  The funny thing is that I miss him in the most everyday moments. I miss him when Luca picks up a picture of him and says "pop pop?"  I miss him when there is family drama that I'm sure he would have something to say about. I miss him when my mom has a test or a doctors appointment or even when she is invited to a party that I'm sure would be more fun for her to be at if he was here.

But I live... I miss him but I choose to live. 

My advise to all of you, who are reading this, is to live. Whether you are lucky enough to feel complete with the ones around you or you are one of us who is always missing someone, choose to live.  Don't let the worry of every possibility ruin the moment that is in front of you. The next time you are at a family dinner and the shit (family drama) hits the fan, I want you to just laugh. Laugh because you are there in that moment... There could be such a worse scenario. And when you are sitting across from your toddler who thinks that eating actually means throwing their food on the floor, I want you to firmly tell them no and then turn around and be thankful that they are just being a pretty normal toddler because it could be so much worse... It would be awesome if we could all stop worrying so much about when these little people we are raising will meet the next milestone and if they are where they should be academically and socially and instead just be happy that we made it through the day in one piece. 

Maybe it's a pipe dream to think that we could just live a little more and worry less, but if I knew then what I know now I would have chosen to live in those moments. 

Miss you daddy...forever and always. 

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