On the iPod "Over You (feat. A Great Big World) by: Ingrid Michaelson
When I say this I don't want you to think my dad was anything but spectacular in most ways but let's just say our relationship with him grew as we did. I'm not sure how fatherly he was to us as young children unless we were perfectly dressed and not speaking, lol. No seriously, children were supposed to be seen and not heard. But regardless my mom really filled in for both of them in most ways and for all intents and purposes she did most of the hard stuff sort of alone...but she never made us feel like we were a burden (well except for the times that we knew we were being burdens...lol!)
So I have to admit that I was a little shocked when I realized how hard it is to be a mom. Don't get me wrong, so far this is the most rewarding adventure I have ever taken. But it is brutally hard. I mean there isn't a manual... instead there are a million manuals all saying different things and that doesn't even include the verbal "suggestions" being screamed at you from ever direction and the constant worry that you are f$&@ing up. I mean I was told that until the baby sleeps through the night you will be exhausted and that's just a blatant lie... Levi is 4 and I'm still exhausted. If I'm not worrying about how much he knows today, I'm worrying about how prepared he will be for tomorrow. Or if he has enough friends or if those friends are true friends... And if I'm giving him the opportunities he needs or deserves... If he is on the iPad too much... And If I'm missing something he is telling me, something I should know because I'm his mom and I should know EVERYTHING about him. Oh wait and that's just for one kid... Don't get me started on how Luca seems to go against the grain of every philosophy that having Levi taught me.
Being a mom is also kinda lonely at times. I never thought my mom could have ever been lonely while taking care of us day and night, but being where I am now I can't imagine that she wasn't somewhat lonely at times. And I don't mean the kind of lonely where you are by yourself because with kids, let's face it, you are NEVER alone. It's more of a pit in your stomach feeling that every decision is just another chance to screw it up and that that one decision will define you as a mother.
And then I think... here my mom is 36 years later still mothering me... Still guiding me and my boys and fiercely protecting and supporting us at the same time as I struggle to find my way on this adventure. And still making it seem pretty effortless...
I honestly can't thank her enough for everything. She is my ultimate role model... The ultimate friend... The ultimate mother and Bebe. And for all of the rest of you mommies reading this struggling with this whole "mom" job. Never let anyone say to you... "Well what did you expect having kids would be like?" There is NOTHING that can get you ready or prepared for this job. It is incredibly hard with the most difficult hours and when they laid that baby in your arms for the first time you knew you would never stop trying no matter how hard it gets. You will continue to cherish the good days and fight through the hard ones and to your child it will always seem effortless...just know that you are not alone... There is an army of us out there, sometimes silently fighting an internal battle of our own expectations of what this journey should be like. Wishing we knew all of the right answers and praying we are at least getting some of them right... Wishing my mom and all of the mommies out there a truly effortless and magnificent day.
xoxo chef a