Sunday Suppers

On the iPod "Frim Fram Sauce" By: Diana Krall

So there are certain things I miss about working in restaurants... I would be lying if I didn't admit to missing the array of really bad dirty jokes that I would hear nightly (the untold perk of being the only girl in the kitchen most days) but more than that I miss "Sunday Dinners".  "Sunday Dinners" consisted of a bunch of cooks throwing some stuff together and making really amazing meals that fed your tummy as much as they fed your soul. It was a time when the staff spent quality time together working on new ideas that weren't quite ready for the general public. 

I've been working through some thoughts in my head of how to fit it in to our life today. The realities of our life are that we have two boys who we love dearly and who run the show in a lot of ways. Mike and I work opposite schedules and Sunday is really our only day off together. The day is just wasted and in general I feel like I'm living in a hamster wheel just spinning and spinning but not able to enjoy the small things that made me want to cook for a living... I want to change that. 

2 short years ago our life was very different, levi was a restaurant kid. I literally took him everywhere with me. He would go to chef meetings at the best restaurants in town (sometimes ordering the most expensive thing on he menu), he never had a normal bedtime (and always took an amazing 3 hour nap in the afternoon), he was very comfortable at white tablecloth restaurants and barely every complained as long as I kept him pretty occupied. Luca is a different kid.... Luca still takes two 2 hour naps a day and goes to sleep at 7:15pm (I can push him till 8 but it's hard) and will sleep till almost 8 am if I let him. The time he is awake is non-stop action... The kid doesn't take a break. When we cut Levi's nap out in the fall things have just really become more difficult.  If we do take them both to dinner it has to be at 5-5:30 and we have to be home at 7. If not it is just not enjoyable for anyone... 

So I thought... Wouldn't it be amazing to have a sunday supper at our house maybe once a month... Invite friends who would like to be a part of something amazing.... Try new recipes. A gourmet pot luck. Kids invited.  Some quality casual time with friends. I'm aware it could be a disaster... There might be rough play, drink stealing, disagreements and a huge mess... And then there's the kids...Just kidding!  But I honestly need something and I'm hoping this is the start of something kind of spectacular. 

I'm not sure of the nitty gritty details yet. But it is in the works. My wheels are turning. Tables are being set. Menus are being planned... This will happen.... Soon. 

Xoxo chef a

The Letter

On the iPod "Forever Young" By: Alphaville

Oh my... I have so much to write... Do you ever have those times when you have about a million ideas/thoughts running through your head but just not enough time to focus on them?  

Well anyways my next post will be about Nia or Sunday supper clubs but tonight I'm writing a blog to a good friend, who happens to be going through something that is near and dear to my heart... Losing a baby...

Dear love-

When I received your text today telling me how sorry you were for not being able to be there for me when I lost the babies like I am for you now it made me sad that you have to know that... Mainly because it is very hard, even sort of impossible, for someone who has never lost a baby to truly understand what it is to lose a baby and I hate that now you know. 

You are dealing with unfortunate comments like... 

"Well you didn't want an unhealthy baby, right?"

"It's G-d's way."

"So next time... Maybe it's best to not tell everyone so early..."

"You got pregnant so fast. It will happen again, at least you know you can get pregnant!"

Blah... blah... blah... 

You lost a baby... You didn't miss carry it... You didn't do anything to make it happen... 

And even if the baby wasn't healthy it really doesn't change the fact that you are heartbroken and if you could just sleep until you are pregnant again you would.  I'm going to guess that your main concern is not deciding when you will tell everyone the next time. And if this is G-d's way then I'm pretty sure you aren't a big fan right now...

You don't need me to tell you that you will survive this because honestly you've seen me do it and deep down you already know you will.  I've been pregnant 5 times and I have two beautiful boys...But I also can still remember every due date... And I can remember everything about the days that the pregnancies ended both the births and the D&Cs. I wish I could tell you that they fade into distant memory but they don't...

You are most likely mad at your body for not being able to perform the way we were always taught it would... You are sort of annoyed that the world is just going on... You will feel like you are staring at every pregnant person and also feel like they think that you are some sort of pregnant imposter... You will meet the odd woman who lost a baby but acts like it was no big deal and she just moved on... She is lying... If not to you, then to herself for sure! You will feel like your friends with babies are hiding from you, even if they are not. And you will undoubtedly feel like you have let the closest people around you down, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. 

So now you are one of us...like it or not.  And you get to be the most amazing friend to the next member. You get to tell her your story. You get to be there for her like not many friends can be. And you will show her how you survived just like she will. 

I hope that you will take the grieving process to heart and embrace every part of it because it is a gift that not everyone takes. I know you know that I am here for you now and forever. 

Love,
 me

xoxo chef a

The Recovery

On the iPod "Arms" by: Christina Perri

First off I'm so sorry for the delay in reporting how levi is doing. I'm not going to lie, we have had a rough week.... And I really needed things to get better before I could write if that makes sense...

When I left you last it was about midnight on Friday night after Levi's surgery. I had a bit of a scare because I could not get levi to wake up. We had to call the on call dr in the middle of the night because levi just wouldn't wake up and was breathing funny and I was scared out of my mind. Everyone had told me to stay on top of his meds making sure that we woke him up in the middle of the night to take them... Well there was no waking him up... I sat for the next 6 hours and watched him breathe.  He really didn't come around until 6 am. The doctors had told us that Saturday would be the best day. He had a nerve block so there wasn't very much pain. He was uncomfortable but it was not terrible. 

Luca came home in the afternoon with 102.5.  I ran him to pedi after hours because I was worried about an ear infection because there were no other symptoms but they told me that it was probably a virus and teething.  So we just treated the fever and held him...

Over the next 24 hours things got progressively worse, levi was throwing up blood and having massive stomach distress and luca's fever was up to 104. We tried and tried to get levi to spit any blood out but he kept swallowing it which just made things worse. And He was bouncing off the walls! Luca was a full blown mess and very unhappy. Oh wait and this is where is gets good... Ice storm 2015 was upon us and I was bracing myself for lockdown with two sick kids who couldn't even hangout together and No way out...

Monday morning luca woke up with 104.5. Because of the ice storm we couldn't get through to the doctor,  The after hours phone line was messed up for both our pediatrician and for Levi's Ent so besides a pediatrician friend who is amazing and talked me through what was going on, I really had no contact with the doctors who were keeping tabs on how it was going!   I was just trying to keep everyone happy and comfortable and away from each other! 

I had the bright idea of setting up an air mattress in the tv room and levi pretty much spent all day there, it was pretty genius! Monday night luca's fever finally broke. Levi's stomach was still an issue but we discovered that he was having an adverse reaction to the pain medicine which was making him crazy, so we just treated him with over the counter meds! 

Tuesday morning i was able to get in contact with our pedi office and got luca in. I just wanted to make sure there wasn't an ear infection... Well as soon as I removed his shirt I noticed a rash all over his body... He had roseola. High fever followed by a rash... Pretty textbook. And he was/is cutting his I teeth which are just the most awesome ones... And the most painful! Levi on the other hand seemed to be getting a bit better... On Wednesday, His class FaceTimed him which was the highlight of his day! They also sent a cute video which we have probably watched 100 times. He started to become very lethargic that afternoon and by Wednesday night was complaining of pain which he really just doesn't do.

I felt like an awesome mother when at his one week follow up appt the ENT found fluid in both ears (obviously why he was feeling worse!) Everything else was looking good but the dr thought that the infection was not responding to the antibiotic he was on (shocking! Not!) so we changed antibiotics! The ear issues can happen during sinus surgery as they flush the sinuses... water and bacteria can enter the ear canal... We are hoping that it was just part of the surgery and that he is now on the mend! He will be out of school another week mainly for the purpose of giving his little body a chance to heal and giving his immune system a much needed break. 

I can not begin to thank our amazing school community and friends for really taking the best care of us. A couple of the most incredible ladies set up a meal train for us and I really didn't have to worry about dinner for the whole week which was awesome. And those of you who brought gifts, lunch, games, movies and art projects to keep us busy... Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

I am not one to ask for help. It is just not in my nature and these amazing people in my life just did it. They helped us. They took care of us! They called and texted and made us feel loved everyday and there is nothing I can do or say or even write that will fully express how much it meant to me, mike, levi and luca. We will forever be grateful! 

Here's to hoping this week is a calm one! 

xoxo chef a 

The Surgery

On the iPod "Love Runs Out" by: OneRepublic

So I thought I'd blog about today because well it's the easiest way to get information to everyone! 

The day started out pretty uneventful. We let Levi sleep in because we knew it would be a long day. Our surgeon gave us the option of having Levi's surgery done in the hospital or the surgery center but urged us to have it done at the surgery center because it's a more controlled environment... ie: less patients, less sickness, and more one on one attention. We all decided the surgery center was the way to go especially with Levi's IgA issues... The last thing we needed is Levi to pick up a super bug while we are trying to rid him of one! 

Anyways, I dropped Lu off at my moms and came back to the house. Mike and I were able to spend some quality time with Levi getting him up and dressed. We explained to Levi what was in store for the day and he seemed ok with it. 

We arrived at the surgery center at 11:30. It was very nice! There were lots of climbing toys which allowed Levi to burn off some energy! We were taken back to pre-op at noon and met with the anesthesiologist and the surgeon. And at this point knew things were running a tad behind. Levi was given this magical stuff called silly juice and let me tell you he could have cared less what time it was!  They finally took him back at a quarter to 2. 

The surgery itself went well! He did great under anesthesia and it took exactly 2 hours just as planned. There was massive infection especially on his right side. They are sending it to be cultured to make sure it is being treated right. They drilled holes into the sinus cavities and shaved the bone a bit.

The adenoids were huge and obviously needed to come out. The doctor said that luckily the high dose steroid that Levi has been on the last week did its job to control some of the inflammation so that they could have clearance to work in such a tiny space! 

We were absolutely thrilled that we made the choice to have this all done knowing now that obviously he really needed it. Everybody kept telling us that no doubt this would change his life.

Recovery was a little harder than expected. Levi was the only patient there at this point and received amazing care but he had a really hard time waking up. Not because he woke up angry but more because he just really wasn't waking up!  After about 2 hours he finally came around enough to go home. 

So at 6pm we were finally on our way home. Levi has been out most of the night. We were  able to get him up to eat.  It took a couple of tries because he kept falling asleep at the table but in normal Levi style the 4 boxes of Popsicles I bought were kicked to the curb and instead he ate a half of a baked chicken and 4 rolls! (many thanks to the Bock/Stoutmeyer family for bringing us dinner) We did curb the heavy meds a little because he is so out of it. We are still treating the pain but the narcotics are just too much at this point and we obviously don't want it to effect his breathing. He is getting pretty swollen which he is not thrilled about but other than that he looks pretty good! 

Luckily I was able to sleep from about 8:30-11 tonight and my amazing mom took luca for the night so that we can focus on Levi. I'm thinking I will be up most of the night just watching him breathe lol. 

Anyways that's all I have for now. The messages, texts, and calls have honestly been wonderful. Just knowing that everyone is thinking of and praying for our sweet boy means everything to us. And to our family and close friends that have pushed me to accept some help over the next couple of weeks... Thank you! Sometimes it is hard for me to accept help... It's an issue... But the amount of relief that I have knowing that we will have some much needed support so that mike and I can focus on Levi is pretty amazing.

Talk soon

Xoxo chef a

Tomorrow

On the iPod "Thinking Out Loud" by: Ed Sheeran

Nervous energy.... 

From the time I can remember I've been a leg shaker... My leg can shake about a mile a minute. Sometimes it goes so fast that those close to me can hear it shaking...

Tonight it might even be going two miles an minute...

Tomorrow Levi is having surgery...

He has been sick for awhile now. It started kind of quietly when he was 2. We brushed it off as allergies. Around 2 1/2 we added asthma to the mix which no one even thought was weird since my brother Adam and I had terrible childhood asthma (I actually spent most of the preteen years on steroids.) So when the hives started around age three we took note but still just treated the symptoms and went along our merry way. 

Unfortunately, in the last year things have gotten worse... Hives every couple of months turned into hives every other day. Once we got the hives under control the asthma would flare up. Most days he is very tired and in the mornings he feels awful... Levi has been on some sort of antibiotic for the last 14 weeks and nothing has made a dent. He feels terrible and he somehow pushes on because well honestly I'm not sure he knows that the discomfort he feels is actually not normal. 

Since September of this year we have been to 16 doctors appointments, Levi has had 12 tubes of blood taken (which if you'd ask him, he would really like returned), 6 swab cultures, ct scans. X-rays, and enough poking and prodding to last a lifetime, but thankfully we finally have some answers..

Levi has an IgA deficiency.  In a nutshell it means that his immune system is not producing enough of the antibodies that help him fight some infections. In Levi case, it is a horrible sinus infection that has pretty much taken up shop with no desire to leave and is very resistant. 

So tomorrow Levi is having a major surgery to create drains in his sinuses and they will try to remove as much infection as they can while they are in there. They are also going to take his adenoids! 

I'm a nervous wreck... We would really love all of your prayers not only for a smooth surgery tomorrow but also some prayers for his body to start working hard to fight back. We need all of the antibodies to amp up and give him an immune system so that he can focus of filling up his brain with knowledge instead of infection! So please think good thoughts and send him as much juju as possible!!

Xoxo chef a

Authentic

On the iPod "A Thousand Years" By: Christina Perri

How to be your authentic self. 

I'm not going to lie I've been wrestling with this sentence for almost a month now. And that is in fact why the blog has been a bit silent.  I've been struggling to find a voice that I hid a few years ago.  Don't get me wrong, It wasn't really hidden as much as I think I put it away for safe keeping...

When I started to write this blog, I promised myself that I would only write my truth and well some of that has been painful, not only for me but also for those close to me.

Pain is not always a bad thing, it can actually be empowering.  And I'm happy to say that the blog gave me 

Strength.

It was an addictive kind of strength.  I can't even describe what it is like to walk into a room of people who have read what in all honesty is like your personal diary.  I have never been embarrassed about anything I've written in these pages because it is who I am. 

But then I was surprised ...

and I somehow started to believe that my openness, my truth...That innate quality that I have that draws people in was somehow my weakness.  And something in me shut down... out of protection.

I can't tell you how many times in the last two and a half years I sat in front of the computer screen trying to find the words.  The REAL words.  My authentic self...but then the weakness came over me and I started thinking more about how my words would be received and less about why I needed to say them and was left with no words.  It is funny how that works! 

There have been many around me who question my openness and see it as a weakness.  And I have let the thoughts and fears of others influence what I was willing to share. But I am done with that. Being silent is not a REAL form of protection.  

There are some of you out there who will never know the strength that comes from being authentic. You will read my words and in your head you will wonder why I have to write all of this and you might even whisper about me to your friends.  But then you will put your kids to bed at night and secretly hope that I have written a new post.  You will wonder how I can touch on so many feelings you have and you might even be shocked by how much we have in common even though I am obviously so different from you...

xoxo chef a

What's For Lunch...

On the ipod "My Heart Is Open (feat. Gwen Stefani)" By: Maroon 5

So there has been a lot of chatter about Levi's school lunches... So I wanted to answer some questions, post a couple of recipes and explain how easy it is to do this yourself... if you want to.

About three years ago we started packing Levi's lunches in a planetbox lunch box for various reasons, so to answer the first question why a planetbox?

#1 I have a strong belief that food is extremely visual. The planetbox is pretty.  Not pretty because its has the best characters on the outside but pretty because it is neaust because it is in it!

#2 Because of all of the small compartments it forces me to give Levi a myriad of choices. The outside cover also holds his water and mid morning snack. As to not waste valuable lunch space!

#3 I also love the fact that the planetbox can be washed in the dishwasher and that it has held up well for three years and still looks almost brand new.

How do I cut out all of the cute shapes?

I use mostly metal cookie cutters that I have collected over the years in addition to some Japanese garnishing tools that date back to culinary school. You can find mini cookie cutters in various places... cake decorating stores, craft stores and even online although amazon should be ashamed for selling mini metal cookie cutters for $5 dollars each! (btw I would never pay that)  Some shapes I do cut by hand but not that many.

How long does it take me to make is lunch?

While I'm flattered that some of you think I stay up all night doing these, the true is on average they take about 5-10 minutes prep time.  But I do think about them all of the time. I try to make lunches that interest him.  He loves fish, tornados, whirlpools, car washes, volcanos.  In school they are studying about fruits and focusing a lot on letters and words so I really try to bring all of those elements into his lunch.

Does he eat all of the food?

It depends. he's three. I made him a jello pond with apricot fish in it..."he told me he couldn't eat it because the fish were swimming!" Will I try it again...absolutely!  Levi eats a lot of stuff that most kids wont.  He has woken up in the middle of the night and asked for an English cucumber and actually ate the entire thing... He has also been exposed to a lot of different kinds of food...its sort of the plus to being a chef's son.  He is not into sugar unless its a sour patch kid or a soda.  He threw up the last time he ate a cupcake, but every once in a while he will eat cake with no icing.  I usually don't order a standard kid menu item for him at a restaurant because honestly how can I expect him to try new foods if every time we go out he eats chicken nuggets and these days it doesn't matter if we go to Amercian, Mexican or Chinese the kids menu is almost identical...  Actually don't even get me started on chicken nuggets because I think they are the downfall of American cuisine.. Im not against a piece of fried chicken or even a chicken tender but the formed nuggets are just unfortunate. And honestly if restaurant chef's decided to get just a little more creative and realize that the children eating at their restaurants will one day be adult patrons, maybe we wouldn't see the same stale kids menu... I digress.... So he eats most of the food but does leave some.  Most parents introduce foods to their child once... If they refuse it, the parent doesn't send it again. Most children, most adults actually are not crazy about something the first time they see it.... I'm not saying to send your kid with a lunchbox full of stuff they dont eat... Instead maybe send a couple of new things a week. Make it different ways, spice it up!

Do I do this to show off? 

Ha! No if showing off was using cookie cutters then I really don't get paid enough!  I work alot... And not just away from the home... I have to tell my boys I'm working even sometimes when I'm with them. I work on most holidays and my work doesn't ever really end... That is really hard to understand when you are three.  So making great exciting lunches for him is honestly a great way for him to have a constant everyday reminder that even if its at 530 am and he is still sleeping... I am thinking about him and taking time to do something for him. And I enjoy it! Food should be fun when you are 3! Actually food should always be fun... Why not?  I hear from friends and clients everyday that lunches are a beating so if by me posting pictures even just helps a couple of moms with ideas then it is totally worth it!

Can I have the recipes? 

If it is something that I'm making for my kiddos, absolutely. There are some proprietary recipes that I use for work but most of the time I'm pretty open :) so the much requested veggie chili recipe is here!

Veggie chili

1 Tb olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
2-3 cloves garlic, chopped
2 mixed (red, yellow, orange) peppers, diced and completely optional
2 -15 oz cans chili beans, not drained
2 -15 oz cans navy beans, drained
2 -15 oz cans black beans, drained
2 -15 oz can pinto or kidney beans, drained
2 -15 1/2 oz can petit diced tomatoes, not drained
3 tablespoons chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp oregano
Salt and pepper to taste
Cayenne pepper to taste

In a soup pot bring oil up to smoking add onions and peppers, sauté until slightly soft. Add the garlic and continue cooking over medium high heat for 1 min. Add all of the beans and tomatoes and the chili powder, cumin and oregano. Reduce heat to medium low. Continue to simmer for about 10-12 minutes or until flavors meld and a nice rich sauce develops. Serve with cheese and chips. You can also top with fresh guacamole and/or sour cream

 

xoxo chef a

In the blink of an eye...

On the iPod  "Wonderful Unknown" by: Ingrid Michaelson

So here I am staring into the video monitor looking for breaths... Luca has been asleep since 7:30 tonight, he has slept through the last three nights by some miracle, but tonight I wouldn't mind a midnight wake up call because today was one of the scariest days I have had as a parent...

Luca and Levi slept awesome last night, they both woke up in good moods and we were excited to spend some quality time with friends, who we love dearly.  I dropped the boys off at my moms and ran to an appointment.  Luca took his early nap right when I wanted him to and by the time I got back to my moms both boys were ready to go to our play date....

The play date started great... The kids were playing wonderfully together.  The moms were catching up when in the blink of an eye everything changed...

Luca turned around from a high table right next to us and in a split second I saw a Tide laundry detergent pod hanging from his lips... My heart hit the floor... I grabbed the pod so quickly from his mouth that I for sure scared the living day lights out of him. I rushed him to the kitchen sink where I tried to remove as much soap from his mouth as I could... I can not even explain to you the amount of bubbles that were spewing from his mouth. He was hysterical, I was hysterical, actually everyone was hysterical.  Well except Levi... Levi seemed to be the only one who probably was so scared by the way we were acting he just kept to himself and played quietly... Luca was visibly gagging at this point and even threw up either because the soap was so thick and tasted horrible or possibly because we were trying to clear out his mouth the best we could and gagged him with our fingers.   I decided to call 911 because he was making weird gagging gasping sounds and I was worried about his breathing. 

Within 3-4 minutes the paramedics had arrived and luca was already starting to act like a normal 8 month old. The first thing they asked for was the box the detergent came out of.  On the back of most cleaning supplies there are instructions on what to do if ingested... I actually knew this from baby first aid class but remembering when your kid is in distress is actually quite difficult.  The instructions were clear, "do not induce vomiting" " drink a full glass of water or milk and call poison control!"  They also asked to see the package of soap that he had ingested... luckily,  luca had not broken into the stain remover part of the pod which is actually more harmful but instead had just ingested the soap part.  

So I gave him a bottle and the paramedics assured me he was fine. (I ended up calling poison control and "Debbie" (the R.N. on call) and I became best buds... She even ended up calling to check on him later in the day) 

Things I've learned from today... 

It doesn't matter how careful you are there can always be accidents....

Kids are completely different... Levi never put anything in his mouth... Luca puts everything into his mouth. 

If your child ever accidentally ingests a chemical. Look on the back of the package first to see what to do.

Have the poison control number on your phone. There is no reason to not have this number on your phone! When we were growing up my mom always had a list of chemicals inside the door of the medicine cabinet with the poison control number on it! Maybe things were easier in the 70s when we used paper! 

Update:  It has been a couple of days and luckily my sweet baby is completely fine. Still sleeping through the night... And I have calmed down to watching him breathe only a couple of times at night :). We feel extremely lucky! 

On the blog tomorrow school lunches.... And recipes! 

xoxo chef a

Life...

On the iPod "When I Go" by: Over The Rhine

I feel like I'm ripping a scab off if that makes sense. I've started this blog post three times about other things but it all just seems a bit too surface or rather guarded and well, that's just not me. So here goes nothing...

I work a lot... Taking care of other people's families... Being a chef is just my everyday title but in truth I am part of these families.  Most of them know me like they would know their best friends... And I know them pretty much the same. I cook their meals, arrange their pantries, help them with computer problems, kid problems, housekeeper problems, nanny problems, family problems and even a couple high school math problems. I have been with most of them for almost 8 years and even as long as 15 years. And I absolutely love what I do...

But I'm not going to lie it is painfully hard sometimes. I started working these hours when I was a baby "20 year old".  I used to be able to party to the wee hours of the morning and still be at the grocery store by 7 AM and not even blink an eye. I don't even know what people do till the wee hours in the morning anymore. Please don't take this the wrong way because I love my boys more than anything in the world and I wouldn't give up being a mom for a million trillion gazillion dollars. But do I miss it...my old life...

Sometimes I feel like a rubber band being pulled in 500 different ways and I think to myself... When am I just going to break?  It seems like I have "to do" lists coming out of my ears.  Mike actually came home last week to find me sitting on the couch with the laptop in a chair (being used as a table, mind you) and he asked what I was doing... When I looked down I realized that I was typing nonsense into the log on screen because the computer had kicked me out since I had been idle for too long. In actuality I had fallen asleep completely sitting up while typing and when mike walked in I must have gotten startled and started typing again half asleep... When I realized what time it was, I literally had a 15 minute conversation in my head about whether or not it was even worth it to go to bed because if I did the baby would surely wake up soon and if I just sucked it up and stayed awake he would for sure sleep through! Just to #^%* with me!  And I know all of you mom likes will say "This too shall pass..." But right now it sucks a little...

So I guess at 11:33 pm on Monday night on September 8th, 2014 exactly 5 years since my very first post on this blog I can honestly say that I miss nia, I miss Thursday night karaoke at Meridian Room, I miss long baths without hot wheels cars driving into the water, I miss going to the bathroom alone, I miss afternoon cocktails at Snookies with my girls, I miss alone time with my husband without the fear of doors flying open or babies crying, and I miss being able to call in "rich" and do nothing for the day...wait never mind that last one was never in my life... I don't really miss my "old life" and more than anything I would miss this life more...well except for the more alone time with my husband part :-)

Goodnight... here's hoping for a little bit of balance in everyone's life...
xoxo chef a

I'm so sorry you are hurt, here's a cookie...

On the ipod "Brave" by: Sara Bareilles

So here I am again... Last Friday after I dropped Levi off at school, I walked through the lower school to get to the school store. As I was walking, there was a slightly chubby girl about 9 years old hysterically crying and holding onto her mom. She was pulling out the big guns, "Mom, don't leave...I love you...please, please don't leave me here!" Oddly enough I was this girl...I was 9 once upon a time and had awful separation anxiety, I'm actually not sure how my mom survived it! But what this little girl's mom said in response to her is what really struck me. As I turned the corner I heard these words, "Honey, if you just stop crying and go in I will get you ice cream right after school."


I kept walking so I really cant tell you how it ended, but what I can say is those words stuck with me all day... It's not that I think the mom is a bad mom or that by her using sweets as a reward she is trying to screw her kid up, but the reason it hit me so hard is because I was that little girl and in some ways I still am. I joke with my family and friends that I can come up with a reason everyday why I deserve a treat. Something special to make me feel special I guess... It goes back to this..."Oh, you scraped you knee sweetie, here's a cookie!"

I'm by no means trying to call this woman out. I do the same thing its just Levi's bargaining tool is the Ipad. The kid could watch YouTube videos all day! I am fortunate that Levi doesn't have the same food issues I have... But listening to the mother/daughter exchange and then really thinking about my relationship with food and well Levi's relationship with the ipad, I couldn't help but think... what is it that we are all really looking for?.

What do we really need when we are finding comfort in say... anything. How could my relationship with my kids change if instead of giving them a cookie or an ipad, I gave them my time. Real time...the kind that doesn't include cell phones or TV...or grilled cheese and cupcakes. But instead just me... maybe we will just talk or maybe we will build the highest tower... the possibilities are endless. I don't really know if its the answer but I know too well that the ice cream after school won't really make the little girl any braver and in actuality it might lead to the biggest weakness of her life.

xoxo chef a

I like the way you work it...

On the iPod "No Diggity" By: Blackstreet 10:03 pm Friday night... Levi is having a sleepover at BeBe's house, Mike is still at work , Luca is asleep in his bed and I am dancing like i just don't care to "No Diggity" Oh my have the times changed... I remember when I started this blog... Mike and I were newly married, we were waiting for our new mid rise apartment to be ready and we were living out of boxes in an interim apartment. My biggest worry was whether I was going to write a blog post before I worked out or after. 2 kids later and a house in my childhood neighborhood, here I am 14 months since my last post. I've wanted to start writing again for awhile but life happens and hours turn into days and days into weeks and so on... But here I am... Levi started school two weeks ago at a private school that I attended at one of the most difficult times in my life- ages 12-14. At first, I was very hesitant to send him there... Although I do have some good memories and even a few close friendships, in general, it was a pretty painful place for me. Not one in which I was just dying to relive. But Levi is 3 1/2 not 12 and they are my demons not his... Not sure where this blog will take us this time, just know I miss it... Feel free to light a fire under my ass if I don't keep up with writing... For those of you who are new here.. Feel free to start at the beginning, you will learn more about me than you might have wanted to! Xoxo chef a

Soundtracks

On the iPod "A life that's good (feat. Lennon and Maisy)" As I sit here contemplating life, less than seven weeks before we welcome our second baby boy Luca into the world, I can only be grateful...grateful for the life that we have now and for the life that is yet to come for us... I remember how ready I was for Levi to be born... Bags were packed weeks before... Newborn diapers lined up in perfect form on the changing table... And a nursery set up for a little prince... Lol, I wish I had that kind of time now... It's just so different! I'm sure it will all get done in time or at least most of it... But for now the most important thing for me to do is create a "luca" playlist... 3 years ago when other expectant moms were making a labor playlist, I was creating a playlist that my new son would live the first moments of his life to... Songs that reminded me of my own childhood, songs that reminded me of my dad, and songs that put into words the love I have for my husband and that I knew I would have for him. From the moment I created the playlist, Levi heard these songs... On our longest days and nights together the songs brought us both a certain amount of peace and security. And even today Levi stills listens to his playlist everyday. And if he is having a rough morning, it's the first thing I turn on. So although I want to use some of the same songs again... I feel like Luca deserves his own soundtrack. Songs that taught me about love and about life... Songs that helped me through the darker times and songs that are absolute pure joy. Hopefully both of my boys will have the same love of music that their father and I have. I have started their soundtracks, but it will be up to them to continue it... To find the notes and words that move them to do great things... To become the great men I know they are destined to be... Xoxo chef a

Full Cleanse

On the iPod "The a Team" By: Ed Sheeran 

 By now most of you know that I lost the baby at the beginning of last week. It was unlike my first miscarriage in that we had seen and heard the baby's heartbeat on more than one occasion and I had watched the baby move and grow and we had somehow already become a family of four.   I'm not exactly sure which one was more devastating... The first because there was the lingering fear of not being able to ever carry a baby to term and this one because, well...I had seen a live baby on the sonogram... They both were devastating. I'm scheduled to have some testing in a few weeks since this is my third miscarriage in four pregnancies, so we will either get an answer and will deal with that when it comes or we will just realize that this baby was not meant to be and hopefully the next one is. And I will do my best to not blame myself... I'm an over-analyzer by nature... It has something to do with my ADD and OCD, lol! The two of them together make for a great pair. So of course since this has happened I have spent countless hours on the internet (where all things are true... right?!?) I have read article after article about cleansing your surroundings... But I've done all that... Mike and I were lucky enough to find the most perfect house this summer and after we closed on it the first thing I did was cleanse the house... Don't laugh! My nia besties and I ran around this house chanting and carrying sage sticks. We tried to get all of the bad juju out and no we weren't high, although maybe that was the missing link lol! I have read all about feng shui and luckily Mike and I have the same directions so everything is pointed the right way and our doors are clear and open. The only thing not feng shui about this house is that we have a tv in the bedroom but honestly not having one is just pure madness, how would we DVR everything?!? We have spent the last year getting our relationship to this amazing point where we respect each other and we really listen and talk which listen after 15 years as well as starting out at 18 years old is a miracle in itself. I have a strict no phone call policy after Mike gets home from work (much to the chagrin of my clients!), Levi starts his night in his bed every night...im not saying he never ends up in our bed... but we really make it a priority to go to sleep as a duo, and we really try to make as much time for each other as we possibly can with a two year old (thanks to my mom the resident babysitter!) But after reading almost every online article, blog, and typed word about changing your karma, I realized one huge piece of the puzzle that I am missing... Love your enemy... Ugh! Not sure I can do that... When I read more about it I realized that it is not about really loving or embracing your enemy but more about liberating yourself... It is the realization that by forgiving someone you are by no means letting them back into your life... But in truth you are releasing them for good... But the question comes to mind... How do you forgive someone who has yet to ask for your forgiveness and actually seems as if they have no remorse for their actions... Someone who is very public about their transgressions as if they are proud of themselves... Someone who used your own friendship as a weapon? Obviously I have some hurt feelings about this.... But that is the unfortunate thing... My enemy's karma is effecting my own because I have chosen to let a hate so deep poison my own life... So while I cleansed my home and my marriage, I forgot to cleans the most important thing... My heart.... So here the journey starts... "visualize that the person that you are having difficulty with is sitting across from you. They are not allowed to speak to you or touch you without your permission or an invitation to do so. As clearly as you can, tell them your truth. Tell them about your anger, your pain, the hurt that you feel. Try not to blame them or to make them wrong, but to offer them the gift of your truth. Stay as centered on your own feelings and pain as you can. Say everything you need to say, leaving nothing back. Then recite the following prayer, beginning with their full name: ________, I forgive you for any pain that you have ever brought to me in this life or in any other life, whether real or imagined, deliberate or unintentional. I ask that you, _______, forgive me for any hurt that I have ever brought to you, in this life or in any other life, whether real or imagined, deliberate or unintentional. I bless you, I release you to God's care and keeping, and I set us both free. " I will do this everyday until I forget to do it and then I will be set free... Because this amount of hate should not live in anyone and believe me is not a place that I want my baby to grow in... Xoxo chef a

Regret...

On the IPOD , "Me, Myself, and I" By: Beyonce Do you ever read someone's post on Facebook or Pinterest only to think to yourself... "I wish you were as smart as you think the quotes are that you're posting on your page?"  Well that's what I have been thinking lately... Listen I enjoy the funny, smart alec, or even sentimental comments, pictures and quotes as much as you do, but I dont like, understand, or condone the self entitled bullshit that spews from the mouths of people my age who in some way or another have yet to grow up in the last 30 years.  Let's take for example my least favorite glittery quote from MySpace circa 2003, which happens to be popping up all over pinterest like it was something new... "No Regrets!"  Whether the actual quote says it in two words or ten, the whole philosophy behind the quote is childish, selfish and just plain dumb. To say you should live your life without regrets is like saying you should live your life without joy... Having regrets make you real... They make you accountable for your actions... They make you appreciate the good choices you make and most of all they teach you who you are and more importantly who you want to be. My social generation is so wrapped up in the belief that we are all owed more than what our parents have that some of us easily miss the point of it all.  Some of us grew up completely over scheduled with strange emphasis placed on being active in certain things because it looked good on college applications and with the false idea that you should go about any means necessary to get what you want, whether you have to lie, cheat or steal because money and material things make you happy... Right? Well let me assure you they don't!  You are the key to your own happiness... It doesn't come from your spouse, parents, children, friends or your job. It comes from within... You have to choose to be happy! I have been working since I was a kid. I'm by no means saying that I haven't lived a privileged life because I have, but it has been instilled in me that working hard for something just feels better than having it all handed to you!  I have also made some terrible mistakes over the last 33 years and I regret them! And you know what... I'll never make them again that's for sure!  Saying that you live your life with no regrets is either saying you have never ever made a bad choice or it's saying you have made bad choices that have hurt yourself or the people around you but you are indeed so self entitled that you have no remorse for them. Either way it's not something I would brag about on the latest social networking site... So I guess what I'm saying is the next time one of your "friends" posts some dumb quote like, "do whatever you want, no regrets!" ... It might be smart to question what it is they are so not regretful of before you hit the "like" button! Just saying... xoxo chef a 

Running Away...

On the IPOD "Dynamite" By: Taio Cruz It's almost 10 pm and I'm laying in bed thinking about running... Mike is asleep next to me and Levi is fast asleep in his crib and I'm contemplating getting dressed and putting on running shoes... Who the hell am I?  I could be really deep and wonder if my desire to run this late has anything to do with something deeper, maybe even something I don't necessarily want to deal with but instead I'm going to focus on the positive and think that obviously its the endorphins that I'm searching for now or every other second of the day... You should know that I don't run very fast or go very far....yet...., but I've been told that I'm naturally good at it... Who would have ever thought that? Supposedly, I'm a very quiet runner, meaning that you can't hear me from a mile away which in actuality is good on three accounts... One being that it is much better for my joints, two being that supposedly I naturally have good form and three being that I might have a future as a secret spy detective lol! Hey at this point I'm keeping all of my options open... About a year ago my amazing friend Jennifer explained to me what running has done for her... She said that running has given her a place to let things go... She has metaphorically dropped her issues/worries/hurt to the ground almost as if she is sort of breaking free from herself.  Don't get me wrong,  I always knew what she meant but now I really get it... I feel it...and I crave it... I love the feeling of pushing through that moment when you feel like you can't go any further and even better when you sit down after a good run and your legs are actually twitching from the excitement. But more importantly the best thing about running is that you can do it anywhere... Over the last two weeks I've been slammed at work and then out of town for a week (Btw first trip ever in my life that I decided to pack 2 pairs of running shoes just in case i was up against different terrain lol!) but running still fit in. Whether it was 5 am or 9 pm and whether I had a baby sitter or not... The path is there waiting for me to forget about everything that is my head and to just move on one step at a time... Xoxo chef a

Bringing It Matrix Style

On the IPOD "I'll Be Missing You" By: Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans and 112

Not that it should all be about the numbers but for the record since January 21st I have lost a whopping 45 pounds and since I started working out with Shawn on Friday February 17th I have lost 24 pounds. And I have also gained serious muscles so in reality the actual amount of fat that I've lost is probably even higher. What is more important than any amount of weightloss though is the amount of inner strength I feel from just getting up in the morning and being present in my self. Whether I'm busting my butt to Nia on a Saturday morning, going on a 4 mile walk/run in the afternoon, gritting my teeth in the gym after a full day of clients, or hardest of all standing in front of the refrigerator contemplating what to eat. Through it all I have decided to be present in my own body.

I'm by no means saying that i don't have my moments of weakness.... Last night while I was rocking Levi I ended up in tears... I'm not exactly sure why... I'm sure it's a mixture of everything, but on another note I'm happy to report that Levi has been sleeping through the night in his own bed for over a week now (this is a small miracle in our house and it only took us 14 1/2 months!). But crying sometimes just feels right if you know what I mean!

So I'm going to talk a little bit about the joys of working out, lol, never thought I'd say that! Ive come to appreciate gritting my teeth and pushing though, whether it is running when I just cant do it anymore or getting through that 12th rep on the shoulder press, there is something joyful about using everything I have to get through it. I first felt the joy when I noticed shawn's face when he saw me grit my teeth, he couldnt have been more happy that I was pushing myself. Now it's like an inside joke...but what's funny is that what started out as a joke in the gym has become like my drug of choice. Now all I want is the grit, it almost feels like I'm not getting enough out of life without feeling my jaw tense up.

Nia is based in martial arts so sometimes we focus on jabs, cross checking and upper cuts... Over the past few weeks, I have come to love this part of class ( it might have to do what the fact that a certain somebody has become the focus of my angst). Anyways on Thursday let's just say my focus was on and I went all matrix on her imaginary ass, lol. I closed my eyes gritted my teeth... Shawn was on one shoulder, Jule was on the other and fire was in my belly, and it was amazing! And better yet I'm planning on going all matrix on somebody's ass again today so watch out suckers lol!

Xoxo chef a

More and Enough

On the IPAD  " I Won't Give Up" By: Jason Mraz

 I wish I even had the words to write everything on my mind but it's just a mess up there... Levi has been fighting RSV for the last 10 days and it's been awful.  Of all of the wonderful things I could have passed down to my child he was lucky enough to get my asthmatic lungs, which is just not even fair! So we have been to a doctor literally everyday for the last week and have been doing breathing treatments nonstop and forcing all kinds of wonderful meds down his throat.  I mean it's been one complication after another from double ear infections to throwing up to refusing to eat and drink all together... I'm hoping he is finally over it, but I hate to even say those words aloud...

On another note I'm still the mess I was from the last post, although a skinnier version... I swear I've never worked out so much in my life. I'm even contemplating adding a boot camp to the weekly mix!  I will say that I'm a stronger mess this week... I'm actually seeing some value in myself which is an old friend who hasn't been around for awhile lol. 

What is funny is that in the past I could've easily given a friend advise on how to deal with the situations I'm in but being in it makes it totally different and much more complicated...  I think it's always easier to judge as an outsider... 

Anyways in Nia class with Jule recently we had an interesting focus...  It was the idea of more and enough... And it pretty much translates to all parts of life... I take it to mean that you push yourself until you reach that point of enough.  Let's take for example running... Running scares me... It's  very difficult to run with boobs and being overweight doesn't make things much easier.  So when my trainer Shawn told me we would be doing some running sprints a couple of weeks ago, I was like great I'm never going to make it... But I did. I'm not going to lie and say it left me wanting more... I definitely reached my point of enough back then, but this past Monday I ran for 5 minutes. And although that doesn't sound like much to you ... To me it's pretty freaking fantastic!  And more importantly it left me wanting more...

Unfortunately the idea of more and enough doesn't only translate to positive stuff,  it can also hit you below the belt... I'm fighting with more and enough right now... More doesn't always have to mean that you are wanting more... Sometimes you don't ask for it but it just keeps coming and then you have to find your white flag and raise it when you have reached enough... And sometimes when you think that even the idea of more is just too much...you still can't manage say enough... And what does that really say about you?  Lol don't answer that, it was purely a hypothetical question... 

 I guess the moral to this thought is that more and enough are always there, sometimes you are looking for them and sometimes you wish that you could just run away from them but at the end of the day we each have our little white flags you just have to be willing to be true to yourself and realize when enough is enough!

Xoxo chef a

Brick Wall

On the IPOD "You Belong To Me" By: Carla Bruni

Life is funny...just when you think you finally have it figured out, it comes back at you like a ton of bricks. I'm not really ready to even touch on the last month of my life, but I can admit that I was quite unaware of the amount of inner strength a person can have under so many layers of self hate. My therapist says that I have a broken friend picker...but I'm thinking that maybe I'm just sort of broken in general... but one thing is for sure, I definitely have found a new meaning for the word devastation.

So anyways here I am on a new journey... Ive decided that instead of curling into the fetal position on the floor, I'm going to instead be the best Amanda I can be!

About two weeks ago in the midst of my agony, my cousin, who I'm pretty sure is here as an undercover angel, said to me, "Amanda, don't take this the wrong way but I think you need to take care of you...Have you ever thought about trying out for "The Biggest Loser"?" My response was pretty quick, "Ah No, there is no way in hell that I'm gonna stand in front of the world on a scale in shorts and a sports bra!" And that was that I went home cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning with an idea...

So I texted her first thing..."I'm still not interested in going on the show but what about a trainer here in Dallas...Do you know of one?"

Within an hour a guy named Shawn Brown called me and we set up our first session. I'm not going to lie, I showed up two weeks ago scared, but within 5 minutes Shawn had me feeling completely comfortable. I think he could tell that he is dealing with someone who is pretty broken at the moment, so he reassured me that he is my partner in this and that he knows that this will not be a quick fix and that it is going to be hard for me, not just physically but emotionally too. We are meeting three times a week and I'm also going to my nia classes with Jule three times a week and taking a Barre class (which is brutal) on the weekend. Nia has always been my safe haven and it still is, there are days that I'm smiling the whole time and days where I have tears running down my face, but I'm surrounded by friends there and that makes it ok.

As far as eating...well I wasn't for awhile, but now I'm trying really hard to eat right and most importantly I'm writing everything down using an app called sparkpeople. It makes it sooo easy. In the last month I've probably lost somewhere around 30 pounds, but I'm not really counting I just want to feel good.

So that's all I have for the moment... I'm hoping to check in as often as I can...

xoxo chef a