Confessions of an Over-Eating Personal Chef Who just had a Baby!

4 years...

2012-01-06T02:19:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "Pictures" By: Benjamin Francis Leftwich

Here I sit at 3am January 7th once again... It's like we are old friends in a way... My mind goes back and forth, this days events still fresh as if they are just now happening, even four years later, like I'm sort of reliving them. If I had only known four years ago at 3am that it would be the last time I would see my dad conscious maybe I would have done something different... Maybe I would've said all the things that I said the entire next day or maybe I would've just sat in the room with him instead of making my way back to bed...

After I throw my little pity party of regrets I then think of all that has happened in our family in the last four years... My brother Adam and Audra got married, we lost my Aunt Mickie and my Aunt Charlotte, Mike and I got married, We lost a baby ...then almost a year to the day ago We were given the best present in the world...Levi was born, we lost my granny 6 weeks later, and now Levi will be celebrating his first birthday tomorrow, Adam and Audra are a month away from having a baby boy and my brother Andrew and Natalie are engaged... How could so much change in just four years?

It makes me miss him more... I wonder what he thinks if all of this... I know he is proud of us but I would be lying if I told you that knowing that was enough...

xoxo chef a

A Thanksgiving Wish

2011-11-08T06:38:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "Super Bass" by: Nicki Minaj

After an afternoon trying to make everyone happy planning our holidays this year, I checked in with Facebook and one of my friends Cindy Browning O'Donnell posted this:
"I have been asked why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I love this holiday b/c it is all about celebrating family, friends and food...it is about being grateful and expressing thanks...and there are no gifts involved and no religious groups singled out/ostracized/etc...to me, it is the one 'pure' holiday that remains. That's it in a nutshell....".

Thank you Cindy for reminding me why it is that I love to cook for thanksgiving and why most of all I should give thanks for the right I am giving myself to celebrate all of the holidays in a way that makes my little family of three enjoy every bit of it.

So in just over two weeks I will spend the morning doing something I have waited my entire life for... I will watch the Macy's thanksgiving day parade with my baby boy and we will bake pumpkin pies with my mom.
We will then make sure Tom the turkey is ready for his big day and set the table in the finest way. We will bundle up and head to the Marrone's for games and snacks. After that Levi will definitely need a nap, so he will rest while we drive to dallas for the second half. To the kitchen I will surely go while daddy and the uncles teach Levi how the basketball is thrown. We will gather all up at the end of the day and give thanks in our own special way. We will feast on turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce and hopefully noone will try to be the boss. We will tell stories and laugh and look all around and remember the ones who are looking down. I hope it all goes as smoothly as this but who am I kidding we can only wish.

Xoxo chef a

Wipeout!

2011-10-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of Levi and Kate at Gym Class (notice Levi's Batman costume with cape and his red nose...this is post wipeout!)

On the IPOD "Mockingbird" By: Carly Simon and James Taylor

So today started out great... Today was my first day off in forever. The High Holidays (most important Jewish holidays) are over and I'm finally back to the daily grind. It was nice waking up with no work responsibilities for a change. Anyways the plan was to take Levi to his gym class with his bestie Kate and then Tasha "Kate's mom" and I were going to treat ourselves to sushi for lunch.

Levi had a great morning...we slept in and cuddled with Daddy and then got up and played a little while I caught up on some DVRed sitcoms. We did our hair and got dressed and headed over to BeBe's house. Levi cuddled more with BeBe while I heated up some baby pancakes. Levi ate pancakes in bed with BeBe (I know nice habits I'm starting) while I packed his bag up. We loaded up in the car and headed to therapy...Levi fell asleep in the car and slept almost all the way through my appointment. My therapist fixed me for the week and we loaded back up and headed to gym. At this point I was feeling great...Levi had a great morning nap, I was sane again, and we were running ahead of schedule.

We got to gym a little early so we hung out in the car listened to great music and sang a little. Tasha and Kate were parked in front of us and to my amazement Kate also had a great morning nap. Could we be so lucky that everything was working out????

Ugh! This is when it all started....

12:05 Walk into the gym and put shoes and bags away

12:10 Gym Teacher lets us all in the room and I set Levi down on the mats

12:11 Levi crawls right to the foam stairs and crawls up with no help needed

12:12 Levi does an about face and literally jumps off the stairs past the gym mats and on to the rough carpeted floor face first!

12:13 Levi screams bloody murder as I watch his nose and forehead turn to a Rudolph shade of red

12:14 Levi calms down and heads straight for the stairs again...I quickly nip that in the bud and end up having to force him to sit in my lap.

12:15 Class begins

Class goes great although Levi's carpet burn seems to be getting more red by the minute...isn't bothering him as much as it is bothering me...

At this point we should have just gone home, but I'm obviously a masochist.

So we loaded the kids up and headed to the sushi restaurant across the street... Now just so you don't think we are completely insane. These are both restaurant kids...they have been going together their entire lives and up until today have always been perfect angels! Obviously when they were baby talking in class they came up with a terrible master plan!

So we walk in and the restaurant is nicely full but not crowded. They quickly seat us and we put the highchairs right next to each other on one side of the table in their usual spots! Within 2 minutes Levi drops a toy on the ground and when he looks for it he bangs his head right on the edge of the table. Of course he goes into full fledged "My life is over" mode, but I scooped him up and it quickly dissipated. Then if on cue Kate pipes up. Tasha breaks out the puffs and all is quiet again. We figure out our order while we both exclaim how thrilled we are to be out eating sushi. The babies are both playing nicely, but we are quickly running out of puffs. Just as the waiter sets down the salad and soup both of them start in...sort of taking turns...

This is a nightmare...Levi is screaming at the top of his lungs between each bite reminding me each time that I wasn't feeding him fast enough (on a good note he loves some sushi..He was all over that avocado roll like it was his b---h) while Kate is literally having an emotional meltdown next to him. We all look like we have been to hell and back...We're both apologizing to the tables around us while trying to stuff our faces between screams and cries and as they both finally pull it together I notice that we are both sweating, our hair is in our faces, and we are a far cry from covergirl ready. At this point there is really nothing to do except laugh or cry...thankfully this time we both laughed!

We payed our bill, tipping extra for the crime scene that we left under the table, and it seems as if we will all live to see another day...

Everybody is napping at our house sure hope its the same at Kate's house...

I don't know maybe work isn't so bad...just kidding I still wouldn't trade today for anything!!!!

But I sure hope they sleep tonight!

xoxo chef a

In a Funk...

2011-09-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "You Belong To Me" By: Carla Bruni

Im in a FUNK....It could be caused by lack of sleep or by stress or maybe I could even blame it on my hormones. But in reality it seems to be getting worse... I am definitely seeking comfort from food which as usual is just leaving me unsatsified and annoyed with myself. And lets just say my pre-pregnancy weight is still waiting for me...

I love being a mom so dont get me wrong but I am missing just being Amanda. I am no longer just Amanda...I'm Levi's mom. I get lots of questions like, "How is Levi? How is he sleeping? What does he do now?" I have lots of conversations about poop and sleeping through the night schools of thought. And I cant tell you the last time I actually took the time to enjoy my dinner without racing through it so that I could prepare for whatever Levi was going to do next... I am tired... it's true...Levi is not a sleeper... He has yet to every even come close to this sleeping through the night myth I hear other mom's discuss. He is everywhere and in to everything. Even when he wakes up in the middle of the night...I see him in the monitor inspecting his crib like he is devising an escape route. And in the middle of the night when I let him sleep in bed with us (which whatever, Im not going to lie it happens so all of the mom's who are looking down on me shaking your heads at my parenting methods, please remember that I'm a full time working mom and I don't always have the time or energy to let him cry it out!) he doesn't just wake up and snuggle, he wakes up crawls all around the bed and usually finds something to get into whether its poking one of us or finding a remote to play with. He is the epitome of a boy... In gym class yesterday he refused to sit in my lap like all of the other kids, nope Levi likes to be by himself in the middle of the room and when its parachute time and all the other kids are making thunder by hitting the floor, Levi is making thunder on some other kid's face (No Joke!) Although I do have to admit that he would have made his Uncle Adam very proud had he seen him go straight for the rock climbing plank and crawl it all by himself!! He is definitely not easy...but he is cute so that makes up for it!

Sorry I got on a Levi tangent.... anyways back to the issue at hand... I am not happy with myself. I am yet again completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I wish there was an easy fix...a pill I could take...at times I even wish I was strong willed enough to just stop eating, but I'm not. I wish that the food I eat would even fix the way I'm feeling at the time, but it doesn't... In truth it makes it worse...just a cycle of unhappiness with myself, then a burst of food joy, then regret, and then unhappiness again.

Let me stress again that being a mom is the most amazing experience I have ever had. I love Levi to the moon and back, but at the same time...it is an adjustment, there is no rule book, and I am definitely having a difficult time finding myself in all of this. I know it is just getting started again...they say that the first and the last five pounds are the hardest... maybe if I could just get through the first five...I mean honestly at this point I could care less about the last five!
Until tomorrow....

xoxo chef a

The Next Ten Years...

2011-08-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Sweet Pea" By: Amos Lee

While talking to my MIL (Mom in law) last week she was telling me how my FIL and her did an exercise a short time ago where they both wrote down everything they want to do in the next 10 years and then they compared lists afterwards. So last week I told Mike that I really wanted to try it...mainly to see if ours were even close...

It was pretty easy for me actually...

I would like to have two more children for a total of 3...I know I'm crazy...

I would like to buy a house...it doesn't have to be our dream house but it has to be in a good school district and it has to have a great kitchen and a good bathtub.

I would like to have enough money to take a summer family vacation every year preferably on a beach.

I would like to still be cooking some but I would really like to be writing full time.

Surprise Surprise I would like to be skinny...or at least healthy

For that matter I would like all of our family members to be healthy as well.

I would like to spend some time overseas if possible...

I would like to be able to balance my time better so that when I'm off work...I'm really off work, because lately it seems as if I'm always answering client calls, emails, and texts even in the middle of the night.

I would like to continue to have date night once a week even if that means we have to actually pay someone to watch our kids... isn't that what family is for!

I would like for my kids to be kind, well rounded individuals who know how to set a table, cut their meat correctly, and can have a decent conversation with an adult. I hope they are not over-booked, educationally stressed, micro-managed spoiled brats!

The very last thing on my list was by far the most important...

Pretty much in 10 years the most important thing to me is that we are still happy...!

What do you want to do in the next 10 years?

xoxo chef a

Untitled...

2011-08-17T13:36:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Don't let me Fall" By: Lenka

Well hello there strangers... The two weeks leading up until school starts are insane for me. I have some clients that seem to disappear in the summers and then are not exactly understanding when they get back in to town and I cant fit them in the second they call...they are also not understanding enough to pay me to keep their time slots...so I do what any other workaholic would do I fill their time slots and worry about the overbooking issue later. Well this week was later and I pretty much haven't even had time to watch "Real Housewives of New Jersey" (Only kidding I watched it in the middle of the night on Monday! Lol)

Anyways I'm not exactly sure why the blog thing has been hard for me lately... Well I mean I do have some reasons...finding time is an issue in general and then allowing myself the personal time is another part of it, but deeper than that I'm having a slightly more difficult time opening up lately. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I used to have the time to be one on one with my computer and now it seems as if I am never alone or if maybe the real issue is that I want people to hear me and to relate to me but sometimes I get responses that are more solutions on how to fix myself or even emails of pity. That is not what I'm looking for so in turn I think I have been guarded because I'm afraid of what I'll hear... but not writing is bothering me... I feel like I am in a boat with no paddles...

So, whether you like it or not I'm going to thread by thread, knot by knot... let it out. I would love to hear from you if you can relate or if you like or agree with what I am saying, but please know that I'm not asking for you to fix me...it's actually not about being fixed... it's about finding a home in me...a peace...with who I am, with who I could be, and with who I may never be.

So I will be back in the next 12 hours...I mean I have to write something before therapy tomorrow!

xoxo chef a

Here we go again...

2011-07-30T05:22:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Modern Love" By: Matt Nathanson

So I've made a decision.... I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I just had a birthday on Thursday or maybe it was two weeks ago when I had a little bit of a pregnancy scare (and yes right now I would consider it to be a scare!), but whatever it was I have realized that I'm done!

I'm done carrying around this extra pregnancy weight. I have been back to my old ways of feeding my feeling and although I haven't really gained weight since Levi was born, I definitely haven't lost it either. The sad part about it is that I just really haven't felt like myself in awhile...I don't really think it is a postpartum thing...it's more of a stressed out, tired, horrible body image, really tired (yes I'm aware I repeated it), put yourself on the back burner and take care of the baby kind of thing. But I'm really not doing anyone any good... I'm not always my sunshine self, I do a lot of nodding my head while not listening to anything anyone is saying, I have even lost my witty retorts that should be able to calm me down when I'm faced with a "suckubus" (A suckubus is a term we use at our house to describe a person whether male or female who tries to suck the life out of you.) If you want someone to really show you if they are a suckubus, have a baby and you will find out quickly enough!

So anyways my plan is to start back slowly... First on my list is to work out every day whether it is Nia, the gym, the pool, or the Wii. Starting with working out always works better for me mainly because I have an emotional attachment to food so if I start a diet flat out I feel deprived which usually results in me cheating so instead of taking something away from myself I am going to give myself the gift of working out... it sounds silly, but I think it might work... let's hope so!

xoxo chef a

The Berry Family Part 2 UPDATE

2011-07-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, I just wanted to write a quick update on the Berry Family with a new link to donate and to discuss some upcoming events happening in the Dallas Area that I'm involved with...

This is an update on the story I told you about last Friday involving a family out of Houston. Both parents (Robin and Joshua Berry) were killed and all three children (Peter, Aaron, and Willa) were injured in a head on collision that happened July 2nd coming home from a family trip to Colorado. The boys are both paralysed from the waist down and also are dealing with other internal issues and will need long term health care. Willa is recovering from some broken bones but is doing remarkably well.

The boys have been making great strides and are now both sitting in upright wheelchairs. They will be going to Chicago's Shriner Hospital where there is an amazing Pediatric Spinal Injury Rehab for 6-8 weeks on Tuesday while their sister Willa will remain in Houston recovering with family and friends.

On Sunday July 24 there are two bake sales happening in Dallas that I will be baking for. Unfortunately I will be out of town with Levi that day but there will be lots of goodies to buy that will help support the Berry Kids!

The first one is at Kidville at Preston and Royal Shopping Center 6025 Royal Lane from 11:00am- 1:30pm there will be activities for the kiddos as well!

The second one is the same day at Campbell Green Splash Park (Campbell and Hillcrest) from 2-4 pm

There is a lot of information about the kids as well as other events taking place that you can be a part of on their facebook page.

Please donate there is a link on the left hand side of the page...no amount is too little!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Joshua-and-Robin-Berry-Childrens-Trust/160792453994481

xoxo chef a

The Berry Family

2011-07-08T04:29:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Heartbeats" By: Jose Gonzalez

It is unfortunate that it takes horrible things to really realize how lucky we all are to still be here everyday.

I first heard about the Berry family when a very close family friend wrote on her page Sunday "Kiss ur spouse-hug ur kids! Life is so precious!" She happened to grow up with Robin Berry and had just heard of this terrible accident that has made almost everyone I know who knows about it stop in their tracks and say a little prayer.

The Berry's could be any of us... a young couple with 3 kids... While driving home from a wonderful family vacation in Colorado another car lost control and ran head-on into the Berry's minivan killing Josh and Robin instantly. The two boys ages 10 and 8 were left in critical condition requiring surgery for internal injuries and spinal issues. And the youngest 6 year old Willa was left with a broken ankle and wrist. The boys are going to need major physical therapy in Houston. There has been a fund set up through Congregation Beth Yeshurun in Houston. The link is

www.bethyeshurun.org/donations.php

The community has really pulled together for this family and there is an event tonight to light the shabbat candles in honor of the Berry Family at 8pm. We will be lighting the candles in Dallas tonight and I hope you will light them wherever you are.

If you would like to learn more about the Berry family there is alot of information as well as the links to the online funds at www.jhvonline.com

I pray that the Berry children will recover from this horrible accident both physically and emotionally and go on to make the world a better place in the face of such tragedy... my heart breaks for them.

xoxo chef a

Levi's Favorite Things

2011-06-28T03:27:00.001-07:00

On the IPOD "Pachelbel's Canon in D Major" On this awesome instrumental album that I downloaded for Levi called "Canon Pachelbel"

I wanted to take some time to discuss Levi's favorite things or better said the wonderful exciting material goods that keep our household and restuarant experience happy...

#1 Levi's Thumb (I almost left this out but it really is his favorite thing!)

My little Levi is a thumb sucker... He loves his thumb so much that it is hard for him to not suck it even when he is taking his bottle. There are no other words to even explain his love for his thumb so I'm going to leave it at that!

#2 Happy Blankies

My little thumb sucker loves a blanket and I'm not going to lie...if he doesnt have one handy he will use a shirt (even if it is on you), a sock, a sheet or even a towel. But when he sees his Happy Blankie it is almost as if he is seeing the love of his life. His eyes get big and full of joy and excitement and his world is just a better place. This is my favorite baby gift to give... Levi was lucky enough to receive two happy blankies as gifts and I got him matching small versions to take with us on the go. The company was started by a seven year old who wanted to give back so when you buy a happy blankie you are buying 2, one ships to you or to the shipping address you provide and the other is shipped to a child at a charity (you or whoever receives the blanket enters the number on your blankets tag on the happy blankie website and then you pick a children's charity from the list they provide and the second blanket goes to a child there) These are truly the best blankets! They are soft and silky and everything you would want a blanket to be!

www.Happyblankie.com

#3 Sophie the giraffe

I hate to admit it but this $20 over-priced "dog" toy is completely worth it. We were also given this as a gift when Levi was first born and I thought it was the most rediculous toy... I mean $20 for a sweaky rubber toy that looks like you could buy it at petsmart! I told myself at the time that I would never buy one, but Oh how I was wrong... Levi loves Sophie! I'm not sure what it is about her maybe it's the food grade paint... but whatever it is he chews on her, he bangs her against tables, chairs, the floor and his own head for hours! One day last week we couldn't find her... I thought I searched everywhere and just as I was about to go out and buy a new one, she was found. But now I have gotten smart Sophie is sold in a double pack from Amazon and if you buy two you get them for the bargin price of $16.75 a piece...totally worth it though!

www.amazon.com/Vulli-Sophie-Giraffe-Teether-Set/dp/tags-on-product/B002VAISOM

#4 Fisher Price LUV U Zoo Jumperoo

It's funny that before Levi was born I was one of those woman who said, "well my house is not going to turn into baby central... I refuse to have every contraption..." I obviously should have kept my mouth shut! This is honestly the best contraption ever invented! Levi loves this thing and Mommy loves it too! It says you can keep them in it until they crawl out, I'm hoping that means until he is at least 2 years old. Its great exercise and he has learned so much in it. From jumping to turning himself around in the seat to hand/eye coordination it is a great buy! I tried many other brands as well as types of exersaucers and none of them even came close to comparing! We will definitely be keeping this for all of our kids to enjoy! My advise is use a 20% OFF COUPON and dont buy a cheaper brand, the real one is worth every penny!

www.buybuybaby.com/product.asp?MC=1&sku=17753681&

#5 Brilliant Basics "Poppity PoP" Dump Truck

Levi has both the dump truck and the train and we got them at walmart for $6 each! I have found that the smaller none battery powered toys are actually the best. Sometimes the bigger toys are over stimulating and Levi tends to get frustrated after awhile, but "dump truck" as we refer to him just seems to be the perfect shape and size.

http://www.amazon.com/Poppity-Pop-Vehicle-Dump-Truck/dp/B001AQE65S/ref=pd_sim_t_1

This is just a small list of Levi's favorite things... If you have any suggestions of great toys your little ones couldn't live without please feel free to comment them to me!

xoxo chef a

Support Groups AKA Playgroups

2011-06-28T01:51:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Cathedrals" By: Jump Little Children

I am pulling double duty...I'm awake at 3:45 AM so I have decided to write a couple of posts. I am going to post them at different times so that you don't miss them but I would say that they will be online within 24 hours of each other so check back!

I would be lying if I said that I am completely focused on getting myself back on the track I was on BB(before baby). I do have a desire to be there again... I am just feeling a bit like I'm treading water and drowning at the same time... Even though I'm sure I was told "BB" that having a baby changes everything, I don't think I really understood that phrase. I didn't really realize that I would be actually teaching a baby how to learn, play, and survive the real world not just change diapers while trying to balance a marriage and a business. A friend of mine said at a playgroup this past week that... "The hardest thing about being a new parent is to learn how to fight for your marriage!" She couldn't be more right!

I have been in love with Mike for almost 14 years, we have survived major tragedies and wonderful celebrations but to be completely honest adjusting to a new baby is like learning how to love each other all over again. The reason I bring all of this up is because when this friend of mine made this amazing statement at playgroup I noticed that the rest of us let out this great sigh of relief. In this one moment we all realized that we were really not alone. And I realized that "playgroups" are really just another word for "support groups"! So my suggestion to all the new moms out there is to reach out to other new moms whether they are old friends or maybe you're just both in line at Buy Buy Baby because at the end of the day it might just save your marriage and your life!

It is interesting to me that having a baby also completely messes with your self image which I guess also adds to the stress of life. I really thought the hardest part was seeing my stomach grow during pregnancy but really I think its harder to deal with the aftermath. The new and unusual shape of my over pumped boobs and my lower tummy that now has a mind of its own. Lets not forget the hulk like strength I have in my arms from carrying the ridiculously heavy newborn carrier mixed with the lack of strength in my knees and back from picking up and holding Levi in odd positions all day long (you learn that even if you're completely uncomfortable...if the baby is comfortable than you just work through the pain!) So feeling the least bit sexy when everything hurts, you have spit up on your shoulder, you're extremely tired, you're moody, and not only have you been changing poopie diapers but you've also spent all day worrying about the color, texture and amount of poop makes for a very difficult challenge.

So I'm here to tell you that I've heard it gets better ;) ... So I'm going with that...I'm going to try to embrace the new "directions" (lol) my boobs point and the numbness I still have from them cutting me open to get this baby out and I'm going to do my best to wear perfume everyday to cover up the baby poop and formula smell (cause that's sexy right?) and I promise to take at least 30 minutes a day (hopefully more) to try to find myself again and I will do everything I can to fight for my marriage because I could not have picked a more wonderful man to share my life with. And it will get better....

xoxo chef a

"Breathe in Hope, Breathe out Love"

2011-06-10T01:16:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Clementine" By: Sarah Jaffe

I have been wrestling with writing about this... because honestly it's not my story...but there are bits and pieces of it that I think are so important that I'm going to stray from my normal topics and set down what now is to be my next post entitled "Levi's Favorite Things (a guide to what has worked for my kid)"

A little less than a week ago my facebook page was blown up with old friends stating only "Breathe In Hope, Breathe Out Love" as their status. It is the mantra of an amazing guy I went to high school with and who happened to date a very good friend of mine for a short time. I have known for about a year that he has been fighting cancer although I was not only unaware of how bad it really was but I was also unaware that he was chronicling his fight for life in a blog. Funny that I spend a ridiculous amount of time on here but have never seen it...makes you really realize how many blogs are out there...

Anyways I searched for his blog and found it quite easily. As I read the latest post my heart sank...

"I'm not sure if this is my last posting but if it is I want to thank everyone whom has helped me along the way, everyone whom has become inspired to make a difference, and everyone whom has changed their own lives to better take advantage of life's little opportunities and tiny miracles. It's not a goodbye but more of a see you later. It's truly been and honor and privilege"

I have know cancer, we are not friends, but I have never encountered the type of fight and determination that Jeff had to fight it. My Dad might have fought it in his own way but it was definitely much quieter... Maybe its a generational thing, but looking back it seems as if my dad gave his cancer to the doctors to fix instead of really taking the bull by the horns, they said jump and he jumped. But I guess people are just different...

Jeff was 30, had been married less than two years, was just really getting into the stride of his life and poof what at first was thought to be a sports injury quickly turned into the fight of his life.

After I read Jeff's blog I felt the need to leave a comment,

"Jeff- We have never run in the same circle although we went to school together and therefore have many overlapping rings. But I felt the need to tell you how your blog has changed my life... Over the last year I have heard about your fight although nothing led me here until yesterday afternoon when I saw the remarkable amount of posts from Facebook friends just stating "breathe in hope, breathe out love." ... As I sat on the couch with my almost 5 month old son Levi right next to me I read from beginning to end the tales of your courageous fight... I held Levi's tiny hand the entire time sometimes holding tighter.... I have to admit at times my mind raced back and forth between feeling for you, for Autumn, for your parents... I questioned my role as a mother, as a wife, and at times as a friend. In less than 24 hours you have made me want to fight for each day of my life... You have made me want to live a better life.... be a better wife, to be a better mother, to be a better daughter, to love harder than I ever thought possible. Thank you for letting me in... Thank you for fighting with passion and dignity. And most of all thank you for your courageous vulnerability. My love to you and everyone in your circle.
Breathe in hope, breathe out love!
Amanda"

Jeff's fight is the most perfect example of taking responsibility for what life throws at you. I beg of you to read it...it will most definitely change your life...

Jeff lost his fight on Monday night, just two short days after what ended up being his final post. My heart goes out to his family and friends as they celebrate his life today.

You can find Jeff's blog at www.jeffsfightwithcancer.blogspot.com

"Breathe in Hope, Breathe out love"

xoxo chef a

What sparks my light?

2011-05-28T05:09:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Hazy (Feat. William Fitzsimmons)" By: Rosi Golan

Can not even explain how happy I am to be able to sit at this computer, in this semi dark room, by myself, while baby Levi and Mike are napping in the bedroom!

I swear I'm trying to find the time to get everything done...I think what I need is a voice recorder because I write blogs in the car all day long...its just getting them actually written that is the problem....

I watch my fair amount of television including some talk shows but I would not really consider myself committed to any of them except maybe "Parenthood" and 'Modern Family". But I have been an Oprah fan. I have not seen every show nor have I ever really been on board with the various other speakers she has invented...ie: Dr. Phil (ya I went to school with his kid it's really hard for me to understand his parenting logic when his kid drove an extremely expensive first car and is now married to a playboy bunny), Dr. Oz, or Nate. But I have loved her honest approach to life and some of her her guests are downright amazing. So when the last episode aired I have to admit I was sitting in awe of what she has accomplished.

Two of her quotes have hit me to my core:

"There's a difference between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing that you are worthy of being happy."

"You have to know what sparks the light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world. You have the power to change somebody's life."

I have been feeling pulled in my life which I think is pretty normal with a new baby, but when Oprah said these words to me (because that's what it felt like) it set off a rush of emotions. Don't get me wrong I love to cook and I love my job but it is not sparking any lights right now that's for sure! I used to think that if I could do anything in the world well besides a mom cause that has always been in the cards.... I would be a singer/songwriter...but that ship sailed long ago...and now singing has turned into a personal release that happens during Levi's nightly song session, the occasional karaoke night, and the concert I put on in the car everyday. So besides being a Mom...what sparks my light?

Oddly enough... although you could probably never convince my high school English teachers...writing sparks my light...writing is what I want to do...writing makes me happy! Cooking makes me happy too but I think I'm just burnt out from cooking right now or maybe I'm just burnt out from cooking for my clients. All I know is that the days I sit down at this computer and the days I hear back from all of you...are just better days! So I guess the next step is to allow myself to believe that I am worthy of being happy. I'm not quiting my job or anything crazy like that...but I WILL BE A WRITER! (Funny that I accidentally hit the caps lock before writing that... no joke!)

So thank you Oprah for somehow giving me permission to find out what sparks my light and for saying that I'm worth it! And thank you all for letting me say it out loud.

xoxo chef a

To guilt or not to guilt!

2011-05-12T04:56:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Nobody's Coming Around" By: Edwina Hayes

I have a case of some major Jewish guilt. If you are unaware of what Jewish guilt is... I will enlighten you...when I searched the Internet this is the most accurate definition I found...

"Jewish Guilt"

"Judaism's greatest weapon; often used by Jewish mothers; often ruins your plans for the night or sometimes, in extreme cases, your whole weekend. Uses mostly reverse psychology."

By the way I have recently discovered that there is this sort of guilt in every sect of people... movies and television just use the Jewish version more frequently...

Anyways I wish I could blame it on my mother but unfortunately I have become my own Jewish mother...

Let's start out by going over the things that I refuse to feel guilty about even though my own feelings about these things have been tested over the last few weeks.

#1 Moving out of our building and into a house
-for the record I'm happy in our building. I know we are not building equity, I know we don't have a back yard, I know that sometimes our upstairs neighbor sounds like she is dive bombing our ceiling, and I know that this arrangement will not work forever. But a house is not an option for us at the moment! We are still dealing with maternity bills (self employment = extremely terrible insurance benefits!) We have absolutely no free time as it is and I can’t even imagine having to do upkeep on a house every weekend. I refuse to give up our "expensive" date nights to save money because in my book they are worth it (in 20 years when our kids are all gone to college we will still have to look at each other so we might as well keep our relationship decently strong!) As far as outdoor space both of our parents have backyards and my kid is involved in so many play groups we will just keep his tricycle in the back of the car he will never know it's not his backyard! :) And at the end of the day, I'm perfectly content with our $80 electric bill, resort style pool, work out center, parking garage, and outdoor kitchen!

#2 What goes in my kid’s mouth
- Whether it’s a boob or a bottle... my kid will be fine!
I will on occasion give my child Tylenol, Motrin, mylicon, gripe water, and teething tablets and if you don't like it...bite me!
Levi will never eat bottled baby food, he will try every vegetable, fruit, and wholegrain and if I can help it we will never order off a kids menu. Why you ask... #1 BECAUSE I'M A CHEF! #2 Because there is no need to! #3 Because I have fought my weight my entire life and these guidelines just make sense to me! And for the record I know it's not how every mother feels and I know it was different when some of your kids were little, but my pediatrician and I are completely comfortable with my choices.

Here is what I do feel extreme amounts of guilt about...

Leaving Levi all day...
-Even though I know have to work and that I could not leave my child with a better person than my own mom. I still feel guilty not being there for every second of his life and for interrupting my mom's life even though she wouldn't have it any other way. I also feel guilty when I get off work and still can't really be there because I'm so tired from being up all night sometimes.
This also transitions into some more guilt...

I feel guilty going or not going to workout...
-It kills me to leave Levi again after I've been gone all day. It's hard to ask my mom to watch a teething, pain in the butt, late afternoon child even longer (Mike works till 8pm most nights.) If I don't go I feel like I'm letting myself down as well as letting everyone at Nia down (I've got to get over this one, but it's the pleaser in me!) Once Mike gets home I should go down to the gym here but I want to spend a little bit of family time before Levi goes down and let’s be honest by that point I'm exhausted!

So what happens you ask...I beat myself up about it all day every day! I'm disappointed that I have not lost all of my baby weight. I can’t stand that in general my tummy looks like it’s a transplant tummy because it sure as hell doesn’t belong here! It doesn’t help that I look like I've been run over by a train... My eyes have bags and circles that add a good 10 years onto my age (believe me the checker giggled when she checked my id last time), my hair is varying shades of gray...what’s left of it that is, and my skin looks like I have zombie makeup on.

I know this too shall pass and one day I’ll look back on today and think...
"Oh those were the easy days... only one kid, beautiful apartment, only $4 a gallon gas prices :)... “

It will be easier though when Levi gets a schedule and when I’m lucky enough to be able to get to class I will be completely and totally thankful for my time there and when I can’t I will be completely and totally thankful for my time with Levi!

xoxo chef a

Just A Normal Saturday Night...

2011-05-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Wide Open Spaces" By: The Dixie Chicks

Two little tid bits of info that might be helpful to new moms out there...
#1 never say out loud that your child loves restaurants and is totally laid back and
#2 never ever publicly make arrangements for your husband to be the designated driver so that you can have an evening of bliss at one of your favorite restaurants or to be honest drown yourself in your favorite margarita.

I say this because chances are your kid will not be on board!

My child loves a restaurant...I mean on more than one occasion I've threatened to go the busiest happy hour (I know such a threat) just so that I could record the noise for 1 hour so that we could play it for Levi to help him sleep. So when we were invited last Saturday night to dinner with friends (and yes there were other kids there we didn't drag him to a couples night out or anything), I didn't even think twice about taking him. For the life of me I can't figure out how it turned as bad as it did so quickly!

Let me set this up for you... Our plans were to meet friends at this great Salvadorian restaurant that just opened a beautiful new location. When we arrived there was immediate seating available on their covered patio so because it was actually decently nice outside I agreed. (By the way even though there is no confirmation that the patio seating caused the horrible events I'm about to disclose...Patio seating will now be completely off limits for the Marrone Family!}

So anyways we sat down and I immediately ordered a mango margarita and let me tell you it was the best thing that happened Saturday night! When everyone got there (Me, Mike and Levi and my two girlfriends, one with her husband the other with her two kids} we went ahead and ordered dinner (And I ordered another margarita...}

At this point Levi was sound asleep in his stroller, like an angel! Well all of the sudden Levi woke up, he seemed fine, I got him up and we were playing a little before the food came. My friends were both hugging on him and he was doing just fine well until he was not! Like clockwork as soon as they brought me my margarita Levi started screaming, it was unlike anything I have even heard. By the way I am not a fan of the screaming restaurant kid, I think if you have the guts to take your kids out in public then you should as least take them out of the establishment if he or she is out of control. So I did just that, Levi and I excused ourselves to the parking lot where things just got worse. He was screaming so badly that I really felt helpless. I gave him Tylenol, gas drops, gripe water nothing was helping. Of course the stroller and car seat were at the table and my car was in the valet so I was really stuck there! I finally just got my keys so that I could take him to the car to check him out. When I tell you it was bad I mean I was checking his body for broken bones! I really thought we were going to end up at the hospital... Mike came to check on us and see if there was anything he could do, but there just wasn't anything anybody could do, Levi was officially having a complete meltdown! So I asked Mike to go back to the table box up dinner and pay what we owe. When my friend Jessica came to check on us, Levi and I were pacing the parking lot. I was a complete mess and Levi had been stripped down to just a diaper and was still screaming bloody murder! We made an executive decision to drive back to her house so that I could get a better idea of what was going on. This seems fast as I read it back but in all honesty we were in the parking lot for a good solid hour or longer. I would have just gone home but I didn't think he would make it that far that's how bad it was!

Mike drove and I sat in the back trying to keep Levi calm for the 5 minute trip. When we got to the house the screaming continued. I checked his entire body up and down, every joint, I even checked to make sure he didn't have a hair wrapped around his finger or something. He finally calmed down after my friend started blowing on his ear. I have no idea why it worked but it did so I'm not going to question it! I never really found out what was wrong with him...I just chalked it up to teething and bought every teething gel on the market the next morning...

It was a rough night to say the least... The moral of the story is never ever plan on having a wonderful night out...If it happens count yourself lucky and if not pray that you were smart enough to bring an arsenal of meds, 5 sets of clothing, 2 extra bottles, and a nanny. Or at least just remember that every new parent out there will eventually have this experience so you are not the only one!

xoxo chef a

Rebooting...

2011-04-28T03:46:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Set Fire To The Rain" By: ADELE

Ive decided that the only way to be skinny while being a full time working mom is to have money and a nanny! I mean a nanny is not an option for us so I'm going to have to come up with a better solution, not that skinny is really even in my personal vocabulary... But I do want to be healthier so something has got to give! Levi and I get up for work between 5-6 am, Mike works till 7:30pm and lately Levi likes to scream for about 2 hours each night starting as early as 5 and ending sometimes as late as 9:30, which tends to make leaving to go workout at night difficult to say the least and early morning workouts are completely out of the question. So where does a girl find the time I ask you?

To be honest it is not helping that I am really having a hard time accepting my post baby body issues... between the numb looser tummy I've been sporting since the c-section and my boobs that spent way too many countless hours attached to a pump... Lets just say that it is definitely affecting my self esteem which in turn makes it harder to make the steps to do something about it. So lately I've been making myself feel better the only way I know how to...with food!

But I'm done... mainly because it's just not working obviously... I'm officially back on the quest to deal with my shit without the help of an m&m! And I'm also giving myself permission to put my needs first for at least a 1/2 hour a day because in the long run everyone wins with a happier Amanda!

xoxo chef a

A Bad Day For My $100 pants!

2011-04-21T04:05:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "House At Pooh Corner" By: Kenny Loggins

I'm going to start off by saying that my hair is falling out. I know that it's normal postpartum hair loss but it doesn't make it any easier. And I know everyone says it won't all fall out but I don't know, there is alot falling out!

Last night was an utter disaster! It all started when I dropped my mom off...Levi decided he was going to throw the fit of his life between my mom's house and our parking garage. I mean it was bad... There was screaming and heavy breathing and sometimes even a couple of times I thought he was going to quit breathing. I really just wanted to wiggle my nose and blink us home but of course I don't have that capability. I played music, sang, danced, made faces...nothing was going to help the fit of rage going on in the back seat. By the time we reached our street I was in tears as well.

As we turned into our place...Levi fell asleep. I pulled into my parking spot amd strategically came up with a plan to get the stroller loaded up while the car was still on and the music was still playing. Half way through I thought to myself, "huh I really have to go potty..." (And by potty I mean little potty not big potty, thanks in part to my new birth control that has a diuretic in it.} {You should also know that because of my horrible case of ADD I have a tendency to forget to go potty in the first place.) So anyways there I am rushing around packing up the diaper bag, my bag, a box of diapers, and Levi. As I reached to turn the car off and lock the doors I said to myself, "Oh Shit where is my fob for the garage door?" I mean by this point I started to panic...I thought about using a cup (no too complicated considering I was wearing pants), then I thought about copping a squat next to the car (pretty sure my garage has security cameras so that was out), then I thought about just jumping in the front seat and letting nature take its course on my new leather seats (Ya no that was completely out.) So there next to my new car while staring at my sleeping son, I peed in my $100 lululemon pants.

And then of course I found the stupid fob!

You know it's a bad night when you show up at your front door with no hair and you are wet from the waist down. I'm sure Mike is counting his blessing on this catch! (Hey it says in good times and bad, right?) I do have to admit that by the time I reached the door I was laughing hysterically I mean really...I can't even make up this stuff!

So needless to say Mike took over while I did laundry and took a shower! You would think that that is the end of the story but no just as soon as I got cleaned up, Levi decided to lose it again. After I finally got him settled down I thought to myself, "Tomorrow has got to be better than today!"

My goal for today is to come home with dry pants! I'm not reaching for the stars folks, just trying to stay afloat!

xoxo chef a

My Circle

2011-04-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Gangsta's Paradise" By: Coolio (By the way this musical choice has nothing to do with the topic of this post it just happens to be what I wanted to listen to!)

So I've been a little bit overwhelmed lately... On the plus side business is great on the minus side I'm so busy I cant really reach the surface. In a way, I feel like I'm drowning... I worked all weekend only taking a break to visit a preschool open house and yes I have become one of those parents who puts their newborn on preschool waiting lists. I'm not necessarily proud of it, but to tell you the truth a $20,000 a year elementary school is not an option for us so I feel that if I can give my kid the best preschool experience out there maybe in the end he will still be accepted to the best trade school around! Only kidding, I know he will be fine either way but I'm still hoping that I become a millionaire before he turns 5, so it will all work out! lol! When I say I feel like I'm drowning I mean it in the best possible way... I love being a mom and I love working but doing both is much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. The good thing is that I'm going to therapy tomorrow and the focus of my session will be how to organize my life so that I can blog everyday, because blogging has changed everything about my life and I miss it! It clears my head and my heart! Lately I have been trying to write at 4:30 am and it's not working for me...I've ended up with 8 posts beginning with, "Well I've been a little overwhelmed..." So something has got to give...

I wanted to write about this a couple of weeks ago but it just fell through the cracks...

I went to dinner with a good friend a couple of weeks ago... She happens to be one of those people in my life that I just click with... We don't talk everyday or even see each other once a week, but the times we do hang out are epic. In our 2 hour dinner we discussed everything...our work, our futures and pasts, babies, and of course men. My friendship with her is extremely easy (I hope she would say the same.) We have known each other a very long time but our friendship is still relatively new in the broad scheme of things. Somehow our histories are sort of parallel so it feels like we've been friends forever. Our friendship lacks judgements, is heavy on honesty, and doesn't have alot of expectations except to be present when we do get to hang out. The best thing about her is that she makes me want to be a better friend.

I am so lucky for her friendship as well as all the amazing friendships that I am blessed with in my life. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life I forget to tell all of the wonderful people around me that I would truly be lost without you. Each of you, in your own individual way, make my life better. And whether at any moment in time I am strictly there for you or you are here for me, your place in my circle means the world to me.

I hope that those of you who are reading this are lucky enough to have circles, whether big or small, that are full of people who make you want to be a better you!

xoxo chef a

Another Day...Another Dollar

2011-03-30T02:40:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Lucky Star" By: Madonna

Where does a girl find some luck? Less than two weeks ago I got a new car, the reason for the new purchase was 1. Because my lease was almost up 2. because after the 20th time I hurt my back while struggling to get my son's carseat into the middle seat of a way too narrow backseat and I was officially over it! And 3. because they gave me the deal that I wanted! I love my new car! It's so easy to get Levi in and out and it's in my signature color galaxy black (black with glitter.)

So anyways yesterday was my first day leaving Levi with my mom while I headed to a clients house alone. I unloaded all of the groceries and parked the new car right out front so it would be out of everyones way in the driveway. (Btw my client is in the process of moving their pool to a different location in their back yard so the driveway is full of construction type vehicles) As the door bell rang and the nanny called out to me that there was someone at the door who wanted to talk to me, my stomach dropped. You have got to be frickin kidding me! At the door was one of the contractors. His words exactly were "I'm sorry ma'am I just didn't see your (huge black! (my words added here not his)) vehicle!" And there on the back of my perfect car with the temporary tags still staring at me was a nice crease dent and a scratch. Don't get me wrong I know it's just a car and I know it will get fixed next week, but can't I just have it perfect for a little while??

By the end of the day I had decided that maybe this was a sign that it is just too early to leave the boy at home while I'm at work. I'm sure that it has nothing to do with it , but I'm realizing it doesn't take much to bring out some mom guilt!

On another note lets discuss the fact that Levi and I are going on a little adventure trip soon to sell jams and jellies. I'm not going to lie it could be a disaster! A tired new mom and a three month old at an outdoor show (we are at least under a pavilion so it will be shaded.) Levi will be all good... my friend Tasha is nice enough to let us borrow her cool joovy stroller that folds up real small but will also allow Levi to sprawl out and hopefully take some decent naps and he'll have his formula and toys so what more could a boy want. Now the tired Mommy on the other hand will be living on pinto beans (the only healthy food item sold at the festival!) And will lose the ability to say to Daddy at 8pm "Tag you're it!" But hey I'm sure we will make some memories and that's what it is all about, right? Is it acceptable to dress your son in a strawberry onesie at the strawberry festival, I mean how do you make strawberries look manly??? Although Levi's lucky that I don't buy him a pink and red tutu while we are there! Our adventures will include lots of pictures and I'm sure some stories to boot. Please keep your fingers crossed that I will lose 5 pounds while I'm there and that Levi keeps his poop in his pants!

My client menu for today:
Pan-seared Filet Mignon
Mock "Fried Rice"
Crispy Baked Chicken Drummettes
Low Fat Chicken and Cheese Enchiladas
Beef Fajitas
Spicy Chicken and Vegetable Stir Fry
Low Fat Chicken Salad
and some fresh veggies TBD

xoxo chef a

Goodnight Sweetheart

2011-03-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Goodnight Sweetheart" By The Moonglows

I wish I knew what time it was, or day, or even month... I literally feel like the walking dead. I've decided what I need though...I just need two extra hours in the day preferably between the hours of say midnight and 2 am. Can somebody please make that happen for me???

I love how I had this all planned out ... I was going to have a baby... be back to work in three weeks and then he would just get it... He was supposed to sleep while I worked only waking up for a bottle and then if he was awake...he would just play quietly until I was done. He would never suck his thumb instead he was going to use a pacifier so that I could take it away at an appropriate age, he would never cry in public, and he would sleep around my schedule. We would only watch television if it was an educational show and Mike and I would still have an active social life.

Ha!

Well I did drag my tush back to work three weeks after... but my kid doesn't sleep...not during the day and not at night... He doesn't get the whole playing by yourself idea instead he screams as loud as possible to the tune of "waaaa! waaaa! waaaa!" until someone picks him up. The highlight of my weekend was that he finally found his thumb! I was so excited about it I sent this picture to one of my best friends while she was on vacation (geez I'm lame!) I'm lucky that he doesn't cry in public and that he loves the sound of a busy restaurant (I need to record it and play it in his room at night!) But he flips my schedule the bird on an regular basis! Think what you will but I do have to admit he watched the entire movie "My Sister's Keeper" last week and then watched me cry for 30 minutes afterwards. Mike says I'm going to turn him into a girl...I think I'm bringing out his sensitive side! Oh and about that social life... Thanks goodness we are keeping up with our plan of Saturday night date night because the only other time we see each other is to pass the baby or to watch "Modern Family" (not really but it
feels that way)

Two nights ago we started doing a twilight feeding at midnight to hopefully help Levi (really me) sleep through the night and all I got was a 4 o'clock wake up call instead of a 3:30 one... hey I shouldn't bitch...that 30 minutes is worth it!

But then I look at him here next to me sleeping in his boppy on the couch and I realize that it really doesn't matter. He is fine...perfect in fact! Maybe a schedule doesn't work for us...I'm not one to write down every feeding and what every poop looks like. I will sleep at some point! Having him at work with me is more important than a set schedule by some nanny, at least in my book. So my kid likes being held, who wouldn't? One day he wont want me to hold him anymore! And as far as the thumb... calling all orthodontists should I just write you a check now?

xoxo chef a

P.S. Does lack of sleep make you crave chocolate? Im going to go with that excuse! Grilled Chicken here I come again...just shoot me now! to be continued...

Grieving continued...

2011-03-03T03:32:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "Here Comes The Sun" By: The Beatles

Sorry it has been so long but I'm having a slightly difficult time getting everything done! My child seems to only sleep in 15 minute intervals during the day...

To say that I have had a rough month is putting it lightly. Between work and the baby and 2 trips to South East Texas it has just been well... busy.

I have to be honest though I have written and rewritten this post about a million times. I am dealing with some "stuff"... I have come to terms with the fact that I'm grieving... I'm grieving for the loss of my Grandmother... I'm grieving for my inability to produce enough milk to breastfeed...I'm grieving for the time that seems to be passing by so quickly...I'm grieving for the lack of control I have over everything at the moment... I'm not really "depressed" (its not slowing me down or making me think unrational thoughts) but I am extremely aware of my emotions. I never would have imagined that I would not be able to nurse my child. I never would have imagined that I would get so hung up on it or that it would effect the way I feel about myself but it has... It's the same feeling I had when I couldn't get pregnant... It's that heart wrenching feeling that I am some how less of a woman.

I know that other Mom's go through it and I know that my son is thriving, but I just never thought it would happen to me. I have taken all kinds of nursing meds and herbs and have dealt with all of their side effects... (They don't tell you on the back of the package that the number one use for herbs like Fenugreek is to help women in other countries gain weight...Thank you very much but I don't need help in that department!) I have called in specialists and I have pumped until well... lets just say I have fallen asleep on numerous occasions sitting up with the pump still attached... I have cried about it, laughed about it, and talked on and on about it. When I feed what little I am producing to Levi I refer to it as "Liquid Gold"... But I know that little by little day by day I am coming to accept that breastfeeding is just not in the cards for us this time. I have packed up the pumps and am nursing only a couple of times a day...

I am by all accounts going through my first failure as a mom... And that's ok with me... Listen you have to start somewhere right? I know in my heart that I need to learn how to deal with small "Hiccups" so that when he walks in with his nose pierced one day, Ill realize that its just a nose and even though that nose was made right here in me... its just a nose! (Hopefully he won't pierce his nose!)

So I'm ok with grieving... it just means that I'm taking the time to let it sink it, to go through all the stages of feelings I need to so that I can let it go...I'll try again with the next one, maybe it will be different, but if not I'll survive and so will he or she... It sure isn't slowing down this kid at 24 1/2 inches long and 14pounds.

My main goal in talking about this is to let those of you out there who have gone through this or are still going through this know that you are really not the only one. And that it's really ok to feel sad about it... Listen if everything went perfect in our lives what kind of people would we be... A very special person in my life told me long ago that having children brings you to your knees...I like it down here I think I'll stay awhile.

xoxo chef a

Part one of grieving...

2011-02-22T11:48:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "Amazing Grace" sung by Leann Rimes

This is partially a repeat of a blog I wrote last year about my Grandmother...I ended up changing it slightly and reading this at her funeral just a couple of weeks ago.

Being at my Grandmother's house was surreal... She has lived there over 50 years and although some things have moved around slightly there is something comforting about the sameness. The kitchen is small but efficient. Everything has it's place up to the dry measuring cups that hang on the wall. Central heat/air conditioning and a dishwasher were only added when my mother starting having babies. If I close my eyes tight enough I can taste the warm biscuit with butter and apple jelly that I ate for breakfast every morning there before we got back in the car and drove to Dallas.

Until the very end My Granny was still strikingly beautiful. She had a calmness about her. Some people might have thought that she was quiet but I've always thought that she just limited the pointless conversation and really just said what she means. I know her politics, I know that she paved a way for me by being a woman and a mother and holding down a job that was really intended for a man. She was the main provider for her family and from what I have heard my grandfather left a lot to be desired as a husband. When she got fed up enough with his alcoholic ways she sent him on his way, pulled her boots straps up and moved on. She lived a humbled life at times but always had food on the table.

Being the youngest of the grandchildren I got left out a lot. At the time I hated the fact that I was left back at the house while they cruised the neighborhood but looking back I was the lucky one because I got to sit and hear my father and her tell stories of their life. I treasure those memories now.

I have always known what an incredible woman she is...I could see it in my father's eyes. She has worked hard her entire life and did it with grace. I love her with all of my heart and I have never doubted the fact that she loves me back.

Being here to celebrate her 95th Birthday last year was bittersweet...It was priceless to be able to spend some quality time with her but after we hugged and said our "i love you's" it was hard to hold the tears back while driving away... I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that my Dad should have been here. He should get to see her still driving and planting and trying to not let me wash the dishes.

As the years have gone on our short "Hi, bye, I love you phone calls have turned into sometimes lengthy 1 hour ones. On our last long phone call the day before I gave birth to my son, Granny gave me a few words of advise... She told me to not worry about the baby being cute, take lots of pictures, come and visit me as soon as you can and she told me to not worry so much about getting back to work. She said she spent too much of her life worried about paying bills and working and that I should take some time to enjoy being a mom because it goes too fast...

I'm so very glad that Levi and I got the time we did with her last week... I got a call telling me that she had fallen and broken her hip, but we decided we should wait to come until after the surgery because they were going to have her on very strong medication. So our plans were to go on Thursday but when I spoke to my cousin on Tuesday night she said "She is asking when y'all are coming...I'm afraid she is waiting for you to get here." That's all it took on Wednesday morning I packed Levi and my Mom up and we headed to South East Texas. We got there in time for Levi and Granny to have a special moment together but by the next morning she was in ICU. On Friday morning I had a strong urge to go and talk with her. So at about 5 am I placed Levi on my Mom's chest and told her I would be back soon. When I got there she was tired...I talked with her about my Dad, my future, Levi's future... I told her that we would all be okay and that I loved her but I didn't want her to suffer any longer. I knew that she loved the song "Amazing Grace" and in truth there could not be a more perfect song for her. So we listened to it together as I held her hands while trying to hold back my tears and she seemed to relax. Later that afternoon she passed away still fiercely in dependant just the way she has always been.

I can only hope that I will be able to live up to the example that she has set forth. I hope that I can teach my children about the sacrifices that she made so that their grandfather, my father, could survive and flourish. And I hope that I can exude some of the grace that I have witnessed in her.

I love you Granny and Thank you for teaching me to have passion, to work hard and to always strive for the best

Levi James Marrone

2011-02-01T02:18:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" By: Eva Cassidy (Levi's Favorite Song)

Wow what a month! So to catch you up as the dust slides off the top of my laptop... Levi James Marrone was born on January 8th, 2011 at 10:07 AM, He was 8 pounds 13 ounces and 21 inches long. I ended up having a c-section and thank goodness because he had the cord wrapped around his neck twice and he was also wedged in so tightly that they actually still had to use some maneuvering tactics to get him out. But we both did great and I was actually up and walking around before the end of the night. Breastfeeding got off to a great start but then we had a set back due to some jaundice issues, so we are still working on it...To be honest breastfeeding is a million times more difficult than I thought it would be...I guess I was a little naive.

Levi sleeps great during the day, nighttime is slightly different but hey what can I say he already likes to party! I never knew that it was possible to love something so much... I started back to work part time today... Levi came with me...it went pretty well...my old 20 minute morning routine has become more like an hour and 20 minutes although I know that it will get better. Having a baby is definitely an emotional adjustment...I have been lucky to not really experience the baby blues, but the lack of sleep can make tensions around the dinner table elevated to say the least! I guess the good thing is that we are both so tired that 30 minutes later neither of us can remember what we are even upset about!

On another note, I have never discussed poop so much in my life...it has become the hot topic of every conversation I have... I do have one extremely funny story to tell you... A couple of days ago my mom, aunt, uncle, Levi and I decided to grab an early dinner out at this small restaurant that we knew wouldn't be filled with sick children. The dinner part went great...He slept the whole time and only woke up at the very end. I decided to feed him before we left... All of the sudden I started to smell something rank...I asked my aunt to check to see if they had a changing table in the restroom, but they didn't so I thought well no biggie I'll just take him next door where I knew they had one. Well as soon as I tried to get him back into his carrier I noticed that I had poop on my hands and then I noticed that Levi had poop all down his legs...we were officially having a blowout! So we left my uncle at the table and the rest of us headed to the bathroom. Thank goodness my mom was there... she had Levi undressed and in the sink for a rinse off faster than I could even think about it... We all ended up with poop on our hands and his outfit was lucky that I had a plastic bag in the diaper bag because otherwise it would have ended up in the trash. Within minutes it was all over but the memory of this experience will last a lifetime! How is it possible for something so small to make such a mess?

What I have learned from parenthood so far is that none of us are better than anyone else when we have poop on our hands, planning and schedules don't mean anything to a newborn, my family and friends are amazing, I have never had more respect and appreciation for my mom, I miss my dad more and more everyday, and love makes everything easier!

xoxo chef a

On to the New Year...

2010-12-31T06:41:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "Let It Be" The Beatles

Well Hello... I know it has been quite some time, but I'm sure those of you who have been pregnant understand that the last couple of weeks are beyond not fun...

First I'll give you an update on little Levi... I was scheduled to be induced on Jan 8th unfortunately Levi has clammed up and decided that he is not willing to come out the old-fashioned way. He has decided that the birth canal is really not on his agenda so unless he changes his mind I will instead be most likely having a Cesarean on Jan 8th. Something tells me that he is taking after my husband and likes to take his sweet time to do things. I feel like the phrase, "Levi where are your shoes???" might be heard quite a bit in the mornings at our house. Either way it looks like 8 days from now I will be holding my baby boy instead of feeling him kicking me in the ribs!

On another note I feel like I have worried about my weight this entire pregnancy.. I have gained about 22 pounds, 2 of which are in the form of water weight in my puffy little hands. I am surrendering this last week though... I can honestly say that I don't care... I refuse to step on another scale or count calories in my head all day... the funny thing is that I will most likely lose weight because I wont be so focused on it! I have worried that my blood pressure would spike or my sugars would be high, but thank goodness that hasnt happened. My doctor even said this week, "I cant believe your blood pressure is still so low!"

I have learned many things over this last year of pregnancy some are good some not so good... I have learned how to throw up in every possible bathroom in the state of Texas. I have learned that when cooking over a gas stove while 8 months pregnant you must remember that your baby belly is at the exact height of the open flames. I have learned that I am not the type of girl who loves being pregnant...I actually think the girls that say they love it are really liars! I have learned to have tissues ready when I call the medical insurance company because I always end up in tears. And I have learned that most things are completely out of my control! Oh and one more thing...Ive learned that the only thing that saved the girl, whos never been pregnant, from being punched in the face when she actually told me last week that "I needed to just suck it up for the next weeks" is the fact that I couldn't roll myself off the couch quick enough to hit her!

I hope everyone has the most wonderful New Years Eve and Day. And I hope the next year is filled with love, adventure, and peace for each and every one of you! I will update you with any news as soon as it happens... For more up to the minute details I would check in on my facebook page!

xoxo chef a

Whatever you do...Don't bend over!

2010-12-17T03:23:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "The Chipmunk Song" By: The Chipmunks

Wow I can't believe I only have three weeks left of this miserable pregnancy... My hands look like those over sized tickle me Elmo gloves that are so popular this year. They are extremely puffy, red and all sorts of not cute! The only saving grace is that I have not had any swelling in my legs or feet...yet! I can not fully explain how badly my hands hurt...If I had only known that carpal tunnel was so bad chances are I would have chosen a career that isn't so hard on your hands. I'm trying to use them as sparingly as possible so that maybe it will go away when Levi comes...

My doctor gave me some pain pills to help at night and the first night they worked beautifully. Unfortunately I obviously built up a tolerance to them overnight because since that glorious night of sleep it has been all down hill! It was so bad yesterday morning that when I tried to wash out a glass in the sink with one of those long dish scrubbers, my hands just wouldn't work. I literally could not do it...it was so frustrating that I almost threw the brush across the room... the only thing that stopped me was that I realized I would have to bend over and pick the brush up which raises an entire other issue! Bending over is like a joke...I need a person on each side of me just to help me back up! Not to be graffic but they are telling you the truth when they say that during the last month your pelvic bones start making room for baby. Although "making room" is really a nice phrase for "splitting down the middle!"

I would be lying if I didn't say that every morning I wake up and pray that my water breaks... I know I should want him to stay in as long as possible but I'm over it! I mean even right now at 5:30 am Levi has such bad hiccups that my stomach looks like I'm having convulsions.

I'm really ready to stop working...I dont know what made me think I would want to work through New Years! Oh well, it's off to work I go!

Until later...

xoxo chef a

4 1/2 weeks...

2010-12-07T03:38:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "Baby, It's Cold Outside" By: Glee Cast

I would have to say there is nothing like lying on the couch and watching your unborn child do somersaults across your stomach... I mean last night I got a clear view of two little feet and a tushie. Pretty cute! Well it's cute to me... it does sort of look like I have an alien creature living inside of me!

Writing the blog is becoming a little difficult because I have a killer case of carpal tunnel and I'm trying to save my hands for chopping as much as possible...so my posts might be quickies for the remainder of this pregnancy. I finally succumb to taking some pain meds my doctor called in for me last night and to be honest I had the best night ever!

I've got about 4 1/2 weeks left and this is my last completely full week of work...I will still be working but I will be keeping it to one client a day! Here are some of the things I'm cooking over the next couple of days...

Minstrone
Hearty Beef Stew
Chicken Alfredo Casserole
Sour Cream Chicken Enchiladas
Chicken Tagine with Spring Vegetables
Seared Filets
Chili
Beef Tortilla Casserole
Jalapeno Chicken
Chicken Tortilla Soup
Chicken Spaghetti
Smoked Jalapeno Cheese Sausages
Lemony Spanish Chicken
Seafood Scampi

And 22 wrapped and decorated pans of Brownies!

I have gained 17 pounds which to be honest feels more like 50 when I'm walking or waddling around...my stomach feels like it has it's own zip code! Well I better get ready for work but I am going to post some holiday recipes for you in the next day or so...so stay tuned!

xoxo chef a

Time To Let Go!

2010-12-01T04:57:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "Whiskey Lullaby" By: Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley

To all of you who knew this was going to happen I commend you on your foresight!

I have realized that maybe I was unrealistic about my working schedule both before the end of the year and after Levi gets here.

I'm a workaholic by nature... I have a very difficult time saying no to clients... I work almost every day of the week. I really like making money and to be honest our financial stability depends on the money I make. Although I love working for myself the downside is that private insurance does not include maternity benefits so let's just say little Levi is a very expensive package!!!
And to add insult to injury my career does not come with a whole lot of job security... ie: I can't really call the human resources department if someone stops using my services while I'm out on maternity leave!

Anyways because of all of these reasons my plans were to work up until delivery and then to take a couple of weeks off and then to jump right back into work with a baby in tow!

Well yesterday morning after sleeping a total of 2 hours and waking up to sharp shooting pains from the top of my uterus to my pelvic area... I broke down and thought maybe I'm being a tad bit unrealistic...

The anxiety that came over me as I headed to work did not include any of the fears I have read about... I'm not scared of the actual birth nor do I have fears about caring for a newborn... I, Amanda Marrone, am extremely afraid of not being able to work... Well actually it's more that I'm afraid of not making money!

When I called the doctor to let them know what was going on they assured me that it is normal and most likely braxton hicks and that my body is just getting ready but that they would check to make sure I wasn't dilating or anything at my next appointment. The nurse went on to say that because I work on my feet all day it might be time to slow down and think about going on maternity leave. As the tears hit my cheek I thought to myself... What is this maternity leave you speak of??? Heck I can't even get my private insurance to pay a doctors bill!

After work I took a long nap, Mike called on his way home and after I shed some more tears, he reassured me that it will all work out... And if I can't continue to work up until Levi gets here then I just won't! It did make me feel better that he is behind me with whatever needs to happen in the coming weeks!

I'm not going to lie... my expectations of what I will be able to accomplish work wise while on very little sleep after the boy is here are probably still completely unrealistic but at least I know that I am able to break down a little bit and realize that it most likely won't go according to my plan.

xoxo chef a

Thanksgiving

2010-11-28T06:31:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "Put You In A Song" By: Keith Urban

Hey all I hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving!!! Mine was extremely busy...
Black eyed pea dip
Artichoke dip
Butternut squash soup
Harvest salad
Cranberry orange sauce
6 turkeys in all
Traditional, Cajun, and Garlic Herb
2 Peppercorn crusted beef tenderloins
Corn bread dressing
Whipped sweet potatoes with praline topping
Mashed potatoes
Roasted potatoes
Green bean casserole
Broccoli cheese rice casserole
Haricot verts almondine
Pumpkin Ginger roll
Mixed berries

This was obviously for more than one family!!! I can't explain my joy when it was all over! Mucho thanks go out to my aunt and my mom for helping me get everything done this year!

It's very nice to know that I only have regular clients, no parties, through the end of the year, because the little boy is making it much more difficult to work.

On Friday I did just a little bit of shopping before nia and then I headed out to the art museum with my family. It was so nice to have a real day off and it felt extremely decadent.

Saturday turned into a full day with a wonderful birthday lunch for my aunt and then I hosted a Marrone family dinner to celebrate my husbands birthday on Monday.

With 6 weeks left I have definitely started nesting and really trying to get everything done.

Blogging has been more difficult because

#1 I'm exhausted

#2 I have some serious carpel tunnel from the pregnancy plus all of the cooking I do which makes my fingers numb making typing a tad difficult.

#3 I have baby brain meaning all I'm really thinking about is Levi and how uncomfortable I am making blogging more of a bitch fest!

On the weight front I have gained about 15 or 16 pounds so far. I'm sure it will go up some more and I'm ok with that...

I think it's time for a Sunday morning nap... Check in with y'all later!

xoxo chef a

P.S. I hope to post some nursery pics this week so if you are interested keep your eyes peeled!

Birthing Class

2010-11-21T06:00:00.001-08:00

On the IPOD "Firework" By: Katy Perry

So Ive come to a conclusion that it is amazing I made it through high school! My attention span is terrible. I can't tell you the last time I had to sit through a class while not on ADHD meds but let's just say that the first half of birthing class was painfully difficult...

Our class started at 9 am and they consider this particular class to be the crash course on babies. We went into it knowing that it would be an all day affair and that we would leave knowing most of everything we need to at least get Levi home. I was a nanny for about 7 years until I went full time personal chef but that was a good 10 years ago so I knew I would be a tad bit rusty.

When we got to the full class we all went around and said our names, our due date, sex of baby, and name if we had it. I'm going to go ahead and say the group was definitely a mixed bunch... some married, some not, some older, and some most likely still in high school. It did make me grateful that we are at the stage in our life that we are. Everybody seemed nice enough although the guy next to Mike had I would say the worst dandruff Ive ever seen, he definitely needs a good sterilization before his child comes!

The first half of the class was about the actual birth. Breathing techniques, positions, med choices, and films and slides of what actually happens to your body. Lets just say I almost lost it when they showed what 10 cm really looks like. An anesthesiologist came to speak with us about an epidural and that might have been the best part of the first half. It was incredibly nice of him to take time to answer everyones questions.

By 12 pm I didn't know if I would be able to sit any longer...thank goodness we went on a tour of the hospital. We visited labor and delivery, the nursery, and postpartum. The teacher explained to us the importance of having everyone leave the room after the birth and giving ourselves an opportunity to breastfeed and bond until they move us to the postpartum room. After the tour we took a break for lunch.

After lunch we started on baby care. Each couple got a baby and we learned about the first bath and how to take care of the umbilical cord and circumcision site. We also learned soothing techniques, diaper duty, and swaddling. We discussed SIDS, colds, and pediatricians. And we spent a good hour talking about breastfeeding including positioning, pumping, and problems. After we cleaned up our bathing mess she passed out the CPR babies. We took turns and learned infant CPR and the Heimlich. And finish off the class by discussing car seats and baby safety.

The second part of the class was by far my favorite...I'm definitely a hands on kind of person! By the time we got home I was exhausted! Unfortunately I've been fighting with third trimester "morning sickness" and have been sick every night lately. This next week is going to be crazy. This is the last holiday I'm working before the baby comes...I swear...well for clients at least.

All in all even with the ADHD I'm so glad we went to the class. I'm so glad that I feel like a have a timeline and that I know what I need to go ahead and take care of and that I feel even more confident of my birthing decisions. Best of all Mike and I are totally on the same page as far as baby care and I feel confident that if I can't handle something at any given moment...he can. We walked in as Amanda and Mike and walked out as Team Marrone. Pretty cool if you ask me!

xoxo chef a

News...

2010-11-16T03:40:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "Dont Hold Me Down" By: Colbie Caillat

So as you can see we have decided on the little boy's name... Levi James Marrone.

After many long and frustrating hours it's picked....well unless... I'm kidding this is it!

The next seven weeks really can't go fast enough now...I'm beyond ready!

So this is sort of a public service announcement... I registered for a breast feeding pillow that I really really wanted and actually two of my closest friends got it for me which I was thrilled about because I could keep one in my car. Unfortunately when I took it out of the package to try it on...one of them was covered in someone else's breast milk. GROSS! First I called Buy Buy Baby the main store I'm registered at and they were beyond helpful and apologetic. They looked through their records and even when they realized that it wasn't purchased there they told me to come in and they would take care of it...I should've just gone there because when I called Babies R Us, where I found out it had been purchased, their response was simply, "Ok bring it back and we will exchange it!" Sorry if that didn't really cut it for me... When I got to the store I asked for the manager who by the way wouldn't even open the package because he said it kind of grossed him out. When I asked him why it wasn't checked when it was brought back his response was to the tune of, "well we ask the customer if it is damaged and unless they say yes, we put it back on the shelf." He put the money back on a gift card and told me I was welcome to look around for something else...

As I was walking around I really couldn't shake the feeling of disgust...even when I looked at their packages of bottles all I could think about was them being returned used and placed back on the shelf. I might be over-reacting but I'm not sure I can go back there... I feel like breast feeding pillows should be single person use only. Maybe the stores should have demos that you can try on but the new ones should be sealed and if returned they should be donated or at least not resold. Today I will be calling the corporate headquarters because I just don't feel like the store manager understands the real issue. My friend felt horrible but it is not at all her fault...when you buy something at a store you should feel confident that the item you are spending your money on is in new perfect condition and if a baby store can't guarantee that who can?

I will let you all know what corporates response is but I will be looking for a breast feeding pillow that is completely sealed, thank you very much!

xoxo chef a

Bathroom Breaks

2010-11-10T02:38:00.000-08:00

On the IPOD "Is This Love" By: Corrine Bailey Rae

Oh my I'm sorry it has been so long but when I say I have been working my tail off I really have ...yesterday alone I had count them 3 clients in Fort Worth which is a good 45 minutes from where I live... It was nice to get them all done in one day but my body is taking a beating for sure!

Over the weekend I had some 3D/4D sonogram pictures taken, I posted one on the blog but feel free to check the others out on my facebook page. It was an awesome experience I can't believe he already has a little personality in there... it made everything even more real.

I think that the worst thing about being 8 months preggers is the constant need to go to the bathroom...especially in the middle of the night when my legs dont want to cooperate. Anyone who works on their feet all day know what im talking about when I say that my feet and legs just take a little bit more time to start going in the middle of the night and in the morning but mix that with a bouncing baby boy on my bladder and the need to go potty like 5 minutes ago and what you get is a waddling uncomfortable pregnant girl running to the bathroon in the middle of the night with no feeling in her legs and more times then not a need to take a shower afterwards because she didnt quite make it. Im really ready for January!

I guess the point of all of this is so you are so humiliated by the time you give birth that you no longer really care what people think when your kid is screaming in the middle of the grocery store! But of course, I have no idea about kids screaming in public because my son will be a perfect gentleman...ya right!

Well I guess I should get myself ready for another day at work...Ugh!

xoxo chef a

Our Responsibility

2010-11-04T05:34:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "The House That Built Me" By: Miranda Lambert

So first of all I have to tell you about this amazing ice cream I found...it's not low fat, low sugar, or low calorie, but it happens to be completely worth it! It's Blue Bell "Spiced Pumpkin Pecan!" I happen to be a pumpkin fan but even if you don't think its your thing... could anything be better than creamy pumpkin ice cream with sugared spiced pecans and a ribbon of caramel. All I'm saying is we will definitely be having a Spiced Pumpkin Pecan ice cream cake for thanksgiving this year!

On a more serious note....

Although I don't normally talk about current events I am going to discuss why Demi Lovato is in a treatment center. I don't know all of the details of her personal story obviously... But I do know what it feels like to be bullied growing up and not in a beat you up after science class kind of way. It was more of a say such hurtful things to you it makes you hate yourself from the inside kind of way. I think I would have rather just been taken out on the playground...

I have gone into detail about growing up as a chubby kid and being tormented by other girls. I have also discussed refusing to go to school for almost an entire year because of it. I feel lucky that I was personally strong enough to never hurt myself in a physical way but I can definitely see how easy it would have been to go in the other direction.

Our country is facing a horrible truth... Unfortunately the society image we are teaching our children through our own actions and those portrayed on television and in the movies is finally catching up with us. As much as we are worried about health insurance and taxes we should be forced to worry about what is happening in our schools as the suicide rate climbs and climbs and the ages get younger and younger.

At what point will we take responsibility for creating hate??

I honestly don't know the answers to how to fix this but I do know that it needs to be addressed because it would be a real shame if we end up with a generation of kids who can play every sport, two musical instruments, and get accepted into all the best colleges but who are so stressed out and unhappy that they end up not being able to function in the real world! Maybe our priorities need to shift a bit...

I hope the mothers and fathers out there really hear this blog today because I think that the emotional safety of your children lies in your hands... We have to teach our kids how to stand up to the bullying, how to treat their peers with respect and love and more than anything we need to make sure that self confidence is built at home where our children should feel loved and supported no matter what their strengths and weaknesses are because not every kid is going to be a star football player or dancer. And not every kid is going to be a straight A student and most of all not every kid is going to look the way you hoped they would. They might not be skinny or they might be too skinny, you might not like the clothes they pick out and they might not be popular... But fortunately school is very small portion of a persons entire life and our goal as parents should be to help our kids love themselves as much as possible so that they can grow up and do great things for this world!

Xoxo chef a

Pain in the Back!

2010-10-31T02:34:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Time Warp" Rocky Horror Show Soundtrack

Why oh Why have I been awake since 3 am...Ugh! This has been the longest week ever... I'm so excited to announce that I have just under 10 weeks to go. I'm definitely uncomfortable...don't worry I'm fully aware that it is going to get worse. To say that my back hurts is an understatement...it is like I can feel my insides moving around to make room for the little boy and I'm a tad bit over it! I have decided that there isn't a comfortable seat... well... anywhere!

To top it off I have a full day of cooking later today...

I have gained 13 pounds so far. I'm hoping to keep it at under 10 more, yet as I sit here eating a small bag of mini oreos at 4:30 am, I admit weight loss is not at the top of my list of "To do's" at the moment.

I can't believe I have to go to work right now...there are some days that I wish I had a sick line that I could just call and say I'm taking a personal day. See you would think because I work for myself that I could just take off whenever, but unfortunately that is just not how it works!

So after I make...
Chicken Drumettes
Seared Pork Chops
Miso glazed Salmon
Butternut Squash Soup
Chicken Fajitas
Hamburgers
Turkey Meatballs
Veggie Lomein
Shredded Chicken Tamales
and various side dishes

I will be taking a nice long afternoon nap.

If anyone has any miracle tricks to easing the 3rd trimester aches and pains please enlighten me, so far I have tried warm baths, heating pads, Tylenol (which I'm pretty sure is just a sugar pill!), and every pillow on the market!

Any new ideas would be lovely! I hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween and at least got one bite of their favorite candy...Halloween candy doesnt have calories if you eat it standing up, right? I mean everyone knows that!

xoxo chef a

Passed!

2010-10-26T04:15:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Vole" By: Celine Dion

So I PASSED the annoying glucose test with flying colors!!!! Whoohoo! My bloodwork in general was great except for being a little anemic, oh well I guess I'll be eating lots of spinach and taking an iron supplement!

I worked all day today...
Crab Cakes with Creole Mustard Sauce
Garlic Herb Mussels
Veggie Fried Rice
Roasted Chicken
Four Cheese Mac and Cheese
Roasted Brisket with carrots and potatoes
Winter Chopped Salad
Pecan Crusted Tilapia
Butternut Squash Soup

After work I nested a little by completing the babies closet and I even worked on fixing up an antique dresser that I need a couple of knobs for... By the way If anyone out there knows where to get old skeleton keys, I would appreciate the info! I even worked on some thank you notes... Amazing!

I forgot to tell you that last week I showed up to our regular monthly chefs meeting and was surprised with a chef baby shower! It was wonderful. I can't even tell you how nice it is to have so many thoughtful friends!

I'm so excited to be going to nia tonight... Little bit is already dancing in my tummy so hopefully a dance around the room will lead to a nice little nap!

Nia was fantastic!
And now to sleep... Lately my favorite time of the day :) !!!

Xoxo chef a

Tests, Shots, and New Pants!

2010-10-22T05:41:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Save Me From Myself" By: Christina Aguilera

Well today is the big doctors appointment... fasting blood work, sonogram, flu shot and the rhogam shot. For those of you who don't know when you have a negative blood type and you have a baby, you have to get a shot so that your body doesn't build up antibodies against the babies. Anyways there could be a hundred mornings where I'm never hungry but yet just the thought that I cant eat anything puts me into a tail spin. I even had a dream that I accidentally ate a carrot in my sleep and messed up the test... Oops! I'm gonna be late I'll write more later...

Ok I'm back, the test was terrible... Thank goodness I got through the blood draw but as soon as I got into the car after lunch let's just say food on a sugary empty stomach is a recipe for disaster! I got so sick that I not only threw up but I also peed my pants... Ah the joys of pregnancy! When I called the doctors office the nurse informed me that this happens alot especially when you take the one hour test on an empty stomach. I better pass because I refuse to take the three hour test... I would rather just go on a sugar free diet!

Today, Saturday, I'm helping my mom with a jelly show at J.J. Pearce high school in Richardson. If your around you should stop by , the only time I won't be there is between 11-2:30 because I'm going to a friends baby shower. It's also open tomorrow... There are a crazy amount of vendors with really good stuff so something tells me I'll be shopping too... Let's hope someone has some really cute baby boy stuff!

The baby is measuring almost 3 pounds and he looks perfect. Unfortunately he is still breech! Here's to hoping that he turns around and gets into the right position!

So I hope to see you at the show this weekend and then you can see this baby bump up close and personal!

Xoxo chef a

Attack Of The Maternity Pants

2010-10-19T04:07:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Every Girl Like Me" By: Sugarland

Have you ever tried to put on a pair of maternity pants when you couldn't really see your feet? I'm going to go ahead and say that if you haven't been pregnant you haven't experienced this one...just a guess. Well let me try to set it up for you... Imagine a pair of really nice black maternity slacks... long regular pants with a strange 8 inch band of foreign stretchy material at the top that make them look like they are a size 0... At first you might even think, "Ya there is no way those are going to fit over this!" But oddly enough when you try them on in the store at about 6 months pregnant they work and have plenty of room for growing so you buy them and think these are gonna be great. You take them home and hang them up for your next big event and return to your $20 yoga pants that still fit. Now all of the sudden something happens when you hit your seventh month... one morning you just wake up and suddenly your view has changed from admiring your feet to instead stretching to see your toe nail polish color. But as far as your concerned nothing has really changed you're still your usual limber self just with a limited view.

Well let me explain the wake up call when you pull those beautiful expensive maternity slacks out for a spin... Lets just say they should have a warning on them saying "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PUT THESE ON WHILE STANDING UP!" Because there is nothing cute about a really pregnant girl trying to find the leg holes in pants where the elastic top shrinks to a size 0 while not on your body! It could actually be a really funny youtube video, but probably not the best idea for you or your unborn child. And let me assure you if it was this hard to put on the pants today...I can't imagine what it will be like in a month or two. So in conclusion I have found yet another unexpected danger while carrying a child...It seems as if everything could harm your baby's health even getting dressed! Next time I will try to put the pants on while sitting down so that at least the hardest task will be lifting myself off of the couch instead of tripping over my own feet and landing on the floor!

Ah if only the house was rigged with cameras so that I could win a million dollars on "America's Funniest Home Videos" ...

Have a great day everyone!

xoxo chef a

Work Work and More Work

2010-10-16T04:49:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Raise Your Glass" By: Pink

I have been working to the max...I guess it has to do with my overwhelming need to put everything into place before the baby gets here and knowing that I am going to have to take off a little bit of time forces my ocd self to strike while the iron is hot. Unfortunately the downfall of this is that I haven't had a day of this week and I'm even working on Saturday as well...

I'm feeling pretty good just tired...I've had some Braxton Hicks contractions not terrible just a little nerve wracking. I swear this child is kicking me all night long which makes sleeping a luxury! I'm having a major craving for pumpkin bread so I hope to spend a little time this weekend trying to come up with a killer version, hopefully somewhat low in fat and sugar...I'll let you know how it goes... My Mother in law is hosting a tea for me with her closest girlfriends tomorrow afternoon and I'm looking forward to a fun relaxing afternoon. I was going to work a little in the morning but my mom stepped in and vetoed that decision, so instead I'm treating myself to a deluxe mani pedi.

Sorry I've been sort of absent lately but it is really difficult to write a lot since I feel like I'm just complaining about the state I'm in. I swear I'm just wondering where are the girls that think pregnancy is the best thing since sliced bread and why can't I catch a little of their positive attitude! Cause I feel like I'm in complete bitch mode and I'm pretty sure that everyone around me agrees!

xoxo chef a

Is this kid ever full????

2010-10-12T02:21:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Come On Get Higher" By: Matt Nathanson

First of all the blog is on a contest on the MoveStudio fan page on facebook. To vote you have to first like the MoveStudio page and then you can vote by commenting on the voting post. Please vote for #3 "The Special Place". Thanks xoxo

I can't explain to you how hungry I am... I'm trying to make good choices but I swear this kid is always hungry... I woke up at about 2:30am and tried and tried to go back to sleep but it just didn't work. Of course the second I got up you know who was starving. So I got a single serving of 2% cottage cheese and finished it off with my new favorite thing... an Archer Farms (Target brand) Cinnamon Home style chunky apple sauce cup. I finally fell back to sleep on the couch at about 6 and then was up again by 7 and hungry again by 7:15 this time I had about 2/3 cup of granola with milk. I'm thinking that I need to spend some time today grilling some chicken breasts so that maybe I can force down some protein instead of just eating carbs and dairy (my two favorite things!) I am fully aware that now that I am in my third trimester the little guy is growing faster and I will gain weight more quickly, but I would be lying if I said that I don't obsess somewhat over the scale.

I went back to Nia on Saturday and I got through about 45 minutes before the sciatica got unbearable and I had to sit on a ball in the back. The ball happened to be the best idea ever! So I will be heading back tonight with a big smile on my face that I can actually be there!

As much as I'm "enjoying" this pregnancy I have to say that I can't wait to be able to get back to regular weightloss blogs with I'm sure some funny tales of a first time mother. I hope you can't wait too!

xoxo chef a

The last few days of my second trimester...

2010-10-07T03:25:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Belong" By: Cary Brothers

I have been fighting with some major allergies/sinuses this week making it very difficult to get up in the mornings, hence the lack of blogs, but I'm hoping if I just take it easy this weekend that maybe by Monday I'll feel like myself again...

I had a doctors appointment this week, everything is looking good...no swelling, no massive weight gain (I gained 2 pounds this month for a grand total of almost 9), and baby is kicking up a storm lately so those are all good things. I have to go back in two weeks...I'm not really looking forward to it... I have to get an rh negative shot because my blood type is negative and I have the sugar test which I better frickin pass! By then I will be soaring into my 3rd trimester and I'm really really ready.

The doctor also said it is looking like we will most likely induce on January 8th if I don't go into labor before that... kinda weird and cool that it is the day after my Dad died... I guess we will just see what happens... It is slightly overwhelming to make all of these big decisions before the baby gets here like life insurance and writing our will, but I guess its just part of being a parent. We also just signed up for birthing classes next month which should lead to at least one hysterical blog.

Well today is an extremely full day at work, I have a regular client downtown and then a kosher shabbat dinner to cook on the other side of town. I will feel much more calm at about 5:30pm. I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday!!

xoxo chef a

A Special Place

2010-10-03T02:49:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "The Scientist" By: Coldplay

Well what I thought were just allergies turned into a body aching, itchy eyes, sneezing fits kind of cold and to say that I'm over it is an understatement! The unfortunate thing is that I missed the Movestudio Anniversary event last night...

I decided to talk a little bit about how Movestudio helped me to change my life.
For years I drove by this dance studio close to my moms house...every once in a while I looked up the schedule and talked myself out of actually showing up to a class with excuses like; I don't have the right clothes, I'll never be able to keep up, I'll be too embarrassed. But a year ago that all changed... I decided to face my weight problems head on through this blog and without thinking twice I joined my mom for a chair yoga class. From the moment I walked in I felt extremely comfortable. That first class was really geared more towards my mom's age group, but not only did I feel great for actually getting through the hour class but I ended up with a funny tale to tell from the experience. When I left that day I decided to just dive right in and try more classes.

The next day I showed up for Jule's Nia class... I stood in the back row on the right side and had no idea what I was doing but I fell in love with being there. As the weeks went on I came back more and more and finally found my spot in the back row but on the other side of the room. The most amazing thing happened... I built relationships with the other dancers. They eventually became followers of my blog and more importantly became advocates in my life. They have made it possible for me to be strong in moments of weakness and to be present in the class when it felt like I was failing in the outside world. Being in Nia class gave me the strength to to try other classes like Zumba and eventually the Zensual classes which in the darkest moments of infertility helped me to feel like a woman even when it felt impossible. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel like Movestudio has changed my life. It has not been all perfect, there are times when I dance in the wrong direction and even a moment when I fell to the floor in 7 inch platforms. But it made me realize that I would rather try something and have an embarrassing funny story to tell then to not have tried it at all...

In the last year I have lost 60 pounds, I have been through a grueling round of infertility, I have become a dancer, I have gained unmeasurable amounts of self esteem, and I am now 6 1/2 months pregnant with a baby boy! Although this pregnancy has been a tad bit difficult and I have missed more classes than I have wanted to. I know that my place remains. Knowing that my Nia girls and boys are waiting patiently for my return makes each pound I gain a little less painful. And knowing that I will be bringing my son up around such amazing and supportive friends makes Movestudio hold a very special place in my heart. I hope that those of you reading this blog are lucky enough to find a place like Movestudio, a place that helps you to change your life from the inside out.

To another 10 years...

xoxo chef a

6 months down...

2010-09-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Picture Window" By: Ben Folds and Nick Hornby

Something happens when you are pregnant... that thing in your brain that makes you stay calm and relaxed goes out the door and those who say obnoxious things to you take the chance of getting an earful in exchange. I guess you could call it...losing your internal filter. I can't even tell you the amount of times in the last week that I have just sort of lost it. I wish I could say that I want my filter back but I really don't... I really believe that most of society really needs to evaluate the garbage that comes out of their mouth and if it takes a baby boy who is sitting on my sciatic nerve to help me not take crap from people then I guess it's all worth it! :)

On a side note we went to the opening day at the state fair on Friday. A couple of interesting things happened...The first thing is that nothing really even sounded good to eat except of course for my favorite popsicle the "Nestle triple blast". They are huge and I had two! The second thing is that as if it happened over night my usually gracefull stride has taken a more waddle like appearance which honestly I'm not too thrilled about, but I guess it is just part of the fun! So I will just keep on waddling!

I am officially past the 6 month mark so just another 15 weeks until Baby Marrone is here! It really has gone by fast even if it feels like an eternity at the moment. I hope everyone has a wonderful Tuesday and I promise to try and control my rage against the nation...well unless someone says the wrong thing :)

xoxo chef a

The packed away 12-string

2010-09-23T03:51:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Danny's Song" By: Kenny Loggins

Lately I have spent an odd amount of time thinking about who my son will be... Wondering what he will be like and what will be important to him. At the same time I have had this need to pick up my guitar again... I think I set it down the day that I decided to leave music school and become a chef. I'm not exactly sure why I felt the need to give it up just so that I could start a new journey, but I did.

I'm not going to lie, my heart broke just a little bit that day... I think I really believed that I was supposed to be the next best thing... that some music executive was going to suddenly walk into the coffee shop and find me there... But instead I was busting my butt in a music class with 1500 other kids trying to become the next underpaid music teacher. At the time it was just easier to put the guitar back in its case and push it to the back of the room.

Over the last 10 years, I've picked it up from time to time and maybe even played a little with all of the doors shut... but there hasn't been any public acknowledgement of my entire high school identity... So the question is... why now when fitting a guitar in front of this baby belly is a challenge does it seem so important to pick up where I left off???

Something tells me that maybe this little boy has something to do with it... I have this overwhelming desire to share that part of my life with him...not so that one day he will become what I always thought I wanted to be but just because I don't want to have to tell him one day that his mom used to know how to play the guitar and that she doesn't play anymore because she didn't get the outcome she wanted so she just gave up. Maybe I never learned to play so that I would become the next singer/songwriter. Maybe the whole reason was so that one day when my child was screaming in the middle of the night I could pick it up and soothe him back to sleep. All I know is that I'm tired of starring at it in the case and I'm ready to find out what it means to me now...at this stage of my life.

xoxo chef a

Shopping...

2010-09-19T03:12:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "A Little Bit Stronger" By: Sara Evans

Sorry I've been MIA this weekend but to tell you the truth I was slightly overwhelmed with cooking for Yom Kippur (Probably the most important Jewish holiday!) I'm starting to realize that I'm going to have to really be selective and slow down over Thanksgiving and the December Holidays and mainly just focus on my regular clients... that should go over well!

On another note I finally bit the bullet and took my first trip to the maternity store... I was pleasantly surprised when I tried on my pre-pregnancy jean size and they ended up being 2 sizes too big and not in the places that I will grow while pregnant. The funny thing is that when I tried them on the sales lady said, "Wow, those are way too big you need a smaller size." I'm going to go ahead and say that that was the first time that I've ever heard that statement! When the lower sized jeans didn't come in the right color I realized how ridiculous I was being in the first place... There is no way that I'm going to wear maternity jeans I don't even own a pair of regular jeans so I don't really know what I was thinking... Instead I ended up with a super cute pair of bootcut black pants (in the smaller size!) and a black dress for special occasions. Besides that I'm just going to wear the heck out of my stretchy black yoga and Nia pants and some simple black camisoles with wraps and sweaters.

The greatest part of this coming week is that The State Fair of Texas opens on Friday! I cant wait to be out there with good friends and I'm hoping Baby Marrone will cooperate... I'm not going to be stupid though...I'm taking my own car, I'm going to drink lots of water, and I will try to stay indoors most of the day.

I can't believe I am 6 months preggers and only have 4 months to go! It's just crazy before I know it I will be posting baby pics and discussing spit up. Oh and I will gladly return to my weightloss struggles!

I hope everyone has a perfect Monday and now that the holidays are over for awhile I should be posting more regularly!

xoxo chef a

What a pain in the leg...

2010-09-14T02:03:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Parachute" By: Ingrid Michaelson

To be honest I'm having a rough week... My work load is at an all time high, which is great financially but I'm having a major issue with sciatica. If you are unaware of what sciatica is, it is pain caused by nerve compression in the lower spine. Mine unfortunately has taken root in my left thigh and I have to admit that I actually considered ripping my leg off yesterday. It feels like my leg is on fire on the inside... Anyways besides being a pain during the work day it is also making Nia a bit of a challenge. Last night I found myself limping to bed while questioning how I'm going to make it through the holidays without slowing down.

My doctor suggested I get a pregnancy harness, it's like a bra for your growing belly that supposedly really helps woman who stand alot. Let's just say it isn't super sexy... but I guess if it works then it might just be the sexiest thing in the world. And since we are discussing bellies, mine has surpassed my boobs... I mean it is like it happened overnight...I mean I looked in the mirror in Nia last night and I swear it looked like I was carrying a line backer! I know those of you who have been through this before are probably saying..."Just wait!" but for me this is a very new thing and I can't even fathom what my tummy will look like in the next 4 months.

Anyways I'm really hoping that the harness thing works because if not I might just have to learn how to cook and dance from a seated position! Well since I fell asleep in the middle of writing this, it is unfortunately work time again. Ugh!

xoxo chef a

The First Year....

2010-09-10T07:01:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Breathe Again" By: Sara Bareilles
(Sorry to repeat the artist two posts in a row, but the album is just tooo good!)

The last three days have been rough! Who knew a knee replacement surgery was maybe one of the hardest surgeries ever. My mom's pain threshold is extremely high and yet the pain put her in tears. I'm just glad to be past day three! Thanks for all of your comments on facebook wishing her well!

Anyhow I left the last blog asking you who your worst critic is....the reason I asked is because when I was hangin with a couple of my favorite girls last week we were pretty much discussing how much "body hate" is ok. I know it seems weird to put it like that...I'm mean in a perfect world we would love our body no matter what, but yet our world is far from perfect.

Over the last year many things have changed in my life. A year ago I started this blog...I have relinquished almost all of my secrets to maybe get to a point that I would have to be completely honest with myself. In the process, I lost 60 pounds in 6 months and then after a year of trying, I got pregnant with the help of the best doctor ever, some lovely hormones, a husband, a veterinarian, and a relaxing trip to Rosemary Beach. It takes a village! Believe me when I say, I still have a ways to go on the weight loss front and it will be confronted as soon as this little boy is born, but the question still lingers over my head... Is my relationship with my own body healthier than it was a year ago???? That's a hard one...in many ways I would say yes, but yet even at 5 1/2 months pregnant, the 4 1/2 pounds that I've gained are still difficult and it's hard for my to not jump off the scale and watch every bite I take in complete and utter disgust. It seems that the line between being an over eater and being a fanatical weight watcher is getting thinner and thinner.

There was a time when I would have said that the people around me were my worst critics... but that has definitely changed I have realized that yes their comments were harmful to me and might have even exposed me to the news that I was heavier than the other kids, but it was me who turned their comments into a minute by minute battle within myself. If I continue to put the blame on them...I'll never really be able to have the control. And isn't that what I'm really searching for???? Whether I'm controlling myself by eating a snickers bar under my covers or looking up the calorie count of a restaurant menu before we go out to eat, it seems that what I'm really trying to feel is control. I have to say that's one of the most difficult parts about being pregnant... I really never have the control. Which could possibly put me in a tail spin when the baby comes and then my weight ends up being the only part of my life I can control...

I guess my conclusion is that this blog has saved my life! Not only in health, but by giving me the best gift ever and that is the line between my brain, my fingers, this keyboard, and you... Whether you are reading because you've known me my whole life and you find this window as a guilty pleasure or because you have no idea who the heck I am but maybe we share something beyond our place in this world. I thank you for listening and for your comments and for your good karma. And I hope one day to say that I have a good mixture of really healthy self love with a little bit of good old "body hate." I mean I wouldn't want to be plastic...

So to the next year....

xoxo chef a

A Sweet New Year!

2010-09-08T05:55:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Kaleidoscipe Heart" By: Sara Bareilles

So this is going to be short and sweet mainly because it is the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah and I'm slammed! On top of that I'm sitting in the waiting room at the hospital because my mom is having a knee replacement... This is my menu for the holiday for four different families...

27 pounds of Balsamic Braised Short Ribs
40 pounds of Roasted Brisket
16 pounds of Baked Chicken Drumettes
30 pounds Roasted Chicken
Sweet Potato Tzimmes
Green Bean Casserole
Spinach Soufflé
Roasted Carrots and Potatoes
Roasted New Potatoes
Israeli Couscous
Sweet Peas
Apples and Honey
Low Fat Blueberry Cheesecake
Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cake
Fresh Berry Triffle

Oy Vay! I sure hope I can fit everything in!

To the Jew Crew, I hope you have a wonderful and extra sweet new year!

I'm going to leave you with a question or a thought to be discussed at the next post....

Who is the your worst critic? And what role does it play in your everyday life?

P.S. This is the one year anniversary of my blog... I have not forgotten and tomorrow's post will reflect that!

Xoxo chef a

Deep breaths

2010-09-04T05:35:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want" By: The Smiths

How is it possible that I could love a man so much yet be on such a different page regarding our child's name??

This question has unfortunately left me in tears for the better part of two day... I'm sure it is not the only thing...it is a mixture of hormones, pressure, and of course some body image issues all rolled up together...

But I'm pretty sure I've got a problem when it's midnight and I'm typing into "Google", "Is it normal to be crying so much at 5 months pregnant?"

This morning, crying was pretty much the first thing I did...I don't really know why I'm putting so much pressure on myself to find this perfect name that makes our entire family happy and that honors all the people we are supposed to... At first I thought that by honoring someone in my son's name it will somehow help him to remember the great men who came before him, but in realty our son will know the great men because we will take time to tell him stories about them. By using someone's name it is not like it somehow brings them back, but yet it still pulls at my heartstrings to not do it. Mike on the other hand thinks that our child deserves his own identity with no connection to anyone or anything (well except when we thought it was a girl because then all of the sudden "Sofia Vergara" sounded like a perfect name! Just kidding, kind of...). The hard part is that I do want my child to have his own identity, but I think there can be a compromise. I guess we will see what happens...

I'm going to try to de-stress myself at Nia this morning and hopefully gain some sort of peace regarding all things baby. As far as I'm concerned the only thing that might make me feel better is a really nice dinner... Maybe my husband will get the hint! Until Nia I plan to mope on the couch with my favorite blanket and eat some cereal.

Until tomorrow...
Xoxo chef a

A Rant...

2010-09-01T04:15:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Fallin' For You" By: Colbie Caillat

So this is old news for those of you who are friends with me on facebook, but for the rest of you...We finally found out that it is most definitely a BOY! Since we found that out we have been bombarded with name game questions and we are yet again tabling the discussion on names but I do promise to let everyone know at a specific time before he gets here. I used to get so annoyed at people for keeping it a secret but I completely understand now...even when I change my wording from "what do you think about...?" to "We are thinking about..." I continue to get the same response of "Oh I hate that name!" or "No, you should change it to..." Let me explain the correct etiquette if you ask someone what names they are thinking about and they actually tell you...your response should point blank be "Oh that's (wonderful, beautiful, perfect....)" I'm not quite sure how one would think that by asking you what names you are considering it gives them the right to give their opinion... especially when you never asked for it! If you really want to name a kid then you go through the morning sickness, back pain, ligament stretching, and heartburn. Until then either figure out a way to smile and say you love it or don't ask!

Sorry for the rant but to tell you the truth the most important thing to me is that Mike and I agree and the last thing I need is people making me second guess our extremely difficult decision! I mean maybe I'm the only one but I have never met someone and thought to myself "Ugh, I hate their name, I refuse to be friends with them!" It seems like the only time people discuss the kid's name is before they are even born! After that they are just who they are and that's the end of the story! So please know that when I finally announce our son's name it will be to the tune of....Suck it up this is his name!

Well at least I feel better now! This morning I woke up to a baby doing somersaults... and now he is currently in his favorite sleeping position which includes him jamming his feet into my lower back and directly into my sciatic nerve. It's awesome...NOT! Well I'm off to cook so that maybe I can make my Nia class tonight...

Jalapeno Chicken
Sauteed Broccolini
Pan-Seared Chicken with Proscuitto Fig Sauce
Stir-fried Haricot Verts
BBQ Glazed Salmon
Sauteed Chopped Veggies
Balsamic Braised Shortribs
Grilled Mexican Corn
Mexican Tortilla Casserole
Peppered Pork Loin with Creamy Cheddar Grits
Chicken Spaghetti

Hope everyone has a great day today!

xoxo chef a

Dreaming Of Sleeping

2010-08-30T19:23:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Shine On" By: Ryan Cabrera

Do you ever feel like you can't wait to get into bed... I mean not a normal "Oh I'm so tired", but more like a "you're the best bed I've ever had in my life and my pillows are my new best friends!" Yeah it sounds bad but if you are or have been pregnant I'm guessing you know exactly where I'm coming from... Unfortunately waking up at 3 am with killer heartburn was not part of the plan...

This week is another crazy work week, it's part two of the back to school rush. Tomorrow's menu includes:

Beef and Barley Soup
Pan-seared Filet Mignon
with Roasted Asparagus
Lemon Sole Picatta
with Oven Baked Potato Wedges
Grilled Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo
Creamy Tuna Salad
Chicken Salad
Beef Soft Tacos
Honey Baked Ham
with Sauteed Green beans

After work I'm heading to Nia and then taking it easy before a huge cook day for clients in Fort Worth on Wednesday. I am getting a little bit nervous about working so much while in the last half of this pregnancy but I guess I'm just going to take it one day at a time and see how it goes...

I'm going to make myself fall back asleep, hopefully...

xoxo chef a

When A Craving Goes Bad!

2010-08-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Please Speak Well Of Me" By: The Weepies

So yesterday I was watching a little "Everybody loves Raymond" and in walks Marie with a two layer cross cake...well that got me thinking about a two layer white cake with buttercream frosting for dinner and to tell you the truth the one I wanted was the said cross cake. Unfortunately a Jewish girl doesn't really know where to by a cross cake! So let's just say it ended with me driving to the store and buying a white cake with buttercream frosting and eating it with a plastic fork from the deli in the store parking lot. (And yes I wish I'd worn my "I'm Pregnant" t-shirt so that I didn't feel so bad walking out of the store with a cake and a plastic fork!) My thought was that I would buy just one piece so that I could take care of the craving and then I wouldn't have any leftovers but as you can see from the picture above the smallest one they had was a single layer 8x8 and yes I did bring it home and yes I just recently took a couple more bites. So yes that is two days worth of cake eating... (Notice the scraped off icing that I thought was saving me some calories!)

Although I don't want to make this a habit... So far weight gain has not been an issue, I actually lost weight over the weekend which nobody is really thrilled about. I think it is due to the fact that I just keep getting sick for one, second is that I'm really trying to eat every two hours which I'm starting to think really could help me lose weight after the pregnancy and that maybe at 5 months pregnant I just don't have the room to consume enough calories to gain weight. I'm not complaining, although I do feel like at some point I'm sure it will catch up with me. Besides the cake other current favorites are watered down apple juice with lots and lots of crushed ice and thin spaghetti with turkey meatballs and arrabbiata sauce.

Work has been good and bad this week. I love being extra busy but the baby doesn't love it so much... The baby is ready for a nap at 2 in the afternoon and lately that's been impossible. With school starting and everybody getting back into the swing of things...and my need to please everyone...Baby and I have been working 12 hour days everyday this week and we are so ready for the weekend!

So I hope my honest portrayal of a pregnancy craving gone bad at least made you laugh because when I was sitting in the car in the grocery store parking lot with an entire cake on my lap and a black plastic fork, I even started to laugh!

xoxo chef a

The Calm Before The Storm

2010-08-23T03:05:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Lift Me Up" By: Christina Aguilera

Well I just got home from Austin, we stayed with my brother Andrew, at his new house which is awesome and had a really nice time. I have to say that the news from Friday was a tad bit shocking especially since it was a last minute decision to go in to get a special sonogram to check the babies organs on our way out of town. I had scheduled the visit a long time ago before I knew that I was going to get a sono at my doctors last week... When I got there the baby was not cooperating and I was going from side to side just to see if we could get a glimpse. The tech finally saw what she thought are boy parts but could not give me a definite answer just saying that if I were to ask her she would say a boy. I think I left more confused than anything else. It really took me the weekend to wrap my brain around calling him a he instead of a she. Sunday night my doctor looked at the sonogram and told me that he felt it was a tad bit inconclusive since I came in so early at 18 weeks 6 days and that he really wanted to scan me again in two weeks to make sure that what they saw wasn't a shadow since the baby had his knees locked... I'm going with a boy though, it is what I have felt from the beginning and it just feels right, but I guess this is what I get for being in such a rush to find out and for trying to control the situation!

Of course we are thrilled either way and although little girls are really fun to dress there is nothing like a sweet little boy especially the only little boy in an Italian family that will carry on the family name! For everything that we have been through to get here I'm just over the moon that it is a healthy baby!

Austin was great with the exception of Sunday morning when I had a bout with the morning sickness fairy. Who knows why, I haven't been sick in a couple of weeks but obviously something didn't agree with me and I was extremely tired and hot... We headed home soon after that and I took a much needed nap the whole way home.

This week is insane, everybody is home from vacation and all the kids are starting school which means that my days of hanging out in the afternoons are over for the most part. Before I know it there will be holiday music in all of the stores and parties on every weekend. I have to admit that I love it though... I love being busy and it is actually easier for me to focus on work when I have more of it, if you know what I mean!

Thank you all for your sweet calls, emails, and messages about the boy news. We are really excited either way and although lots of you commented on twins...let's not get ahead of ourselves! I will let you know when I know or maybe it will just be a surprise in January, I guess I will just have to let the control go for awhile and just enjoy the fact that there is a tiny miracle growing inside of me.

xoxo chef a

Surprise Surprise

2010-08-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

So I don't even have time to look for a song to list but I have some news....

I should've listened to my dad...never get news on Friday the 13th!

I went back in today for my 20th week sonogram and low and behold there was a penis and testicles.

We are having a BOY!

I think my jaw hit the floor when they told me but we are thrilled!

The baby looks healthy and perfect in every way!

And the name hunt starts all over again...

xoxo chef a

Credit Cards and Mommy Friends

2010-08-18T04:22:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Straighten Up And Fly Right" By: Natalie Cole

Yesterday could have possibly been the worst day...it really started the night before.

On Monday we went to Buy Buy Baby to pick up the stroller I decided on and I was thrilled when I took it out of the box and took it for a spin, but then when it came to closing it up and then unloading it at my house let's just say it was a shame nobody was filming me. There were wheels going in every direction and handles hitting the floor and after a really frustrating walk into the building I was ready to take the stroller back. So I had a tiny emotional breakdown and then went to bed.

I knew going into Tuesday that it was going to be a hard day... I had two clients with extremely big menus and one of them has possibly the hardest kitchen floor ever invented! When I got to the first grocery store I rushed through to pick up all the items I needed only to find at the checkout line that I had lost my credit card... Luckily I had a check book, but it didn't take care of that sinking feeling of not having the card. As soon as I left the store I started calling Mike and my Mom to search for the card, Of course nobody could find it. I spent a good solid hour calling every store I had been to the day before, but didn't have any luck. By 9 am the card was cancelled and they were over nighting me a new one...

The first house I cooked at had 6 kids and 3 nannies in total playing within 20 feet of the kitchen. Between lunch and literally 8 snack times I have to admit that I questioned my ability to handle motherhood at least twice. By two o'clock my feet looked more like little sausages and less like feet... But I kept on to the next house... By 5:30 pm I was just wrapping everything up... It could not have been a longer day.

After realizing that there was no way I was going to make it to Nia, I decided to call my friend Lauren to see if I could bring the new stroller by to get her opinion... If there is anything I have learned from this experience it is that you should keep a mommy friend in your back pocket at all times... She showed me all kinds of good things about it that I couldn't even see because I was so overwhelmed with the mechanics. By the time I left I felt confident that the stroller was indeed for me. I think in general all strollers have their issues and with use most of them are fine it just might take a little time to get adjusted to them... Now I'm super excited about my stroller and I cant wait to get to use it!

Anyways to make a long story a little shorter...I ended up finding the card although it was useless since I had cancelled it... Oh well at least some creep doesn't have it. I had a feeling I would find it but you just can't take any chances. Oh well, thank goodness today is a new day!

xoxo chef a

What's in a name?

2010-08-16T04:10:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "More Than A Feeling" By: Boston

So Mike and I have been putting off the name game until after we found out the sex...not that names were not discussed but there was no pressure. Now, there is a tad bit of pressure... I'm pretty sure we have narrowed it down, but then again I could be wrong. Mike could possibly be at his breaking point where he just says, "Whatever you want..." but that's just not as fun... I am starting to understand the whole philosophy of not telling anyone because as much as I love everyone around me...it is hard enough for Mike and I to agree let alone both of us and the rest of the world... I think when most people tell you the names they are thinking about what they want to hear is, "Oh I love it...It's beautiful!" All I can say is that we are doing our best to pick a name that is not too different but different enough...whatever that means!

We finally bought our changing table... it is the only piece of furniture that we bought from a real store and not from craig's list and I have to say that it is very disappointing that we have to wait 8-12 weeks for it, but once we do get it I will post some pics of the baby's room. I am in the process of starting to register is there any must have baby products??? I would love to hear from you about anything from swaddling blankets to swings...

As far as my weight is going...I feel really good I didn't weigh at the doctor on Friday, but by the home scale I think I've gained about 3 pounds so far. I'm finding out that so far this is the hardest part for me eating wise. Mainly because most of the time I've starving and protein in general is still really hard for me to eat which leaves most of the bad stuff... I finding out that I really have to do a better job of eating small meals and not waiting till I want to eat my hand off!

Well today is that last shorter Monday of work before school starts for most of the families I work for. I'm most likely going to enjoy the last half of the day by the pool... and think about names of course!

And again please help me with baby products... What do I need???

xoxo chef a

Drumroll Please....

2010-08-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It's a GIRL!

No name yet but we are working on it...

Just wanted to let you all know!

xoxo chef a

Baby Gear Drama

2010-08-11T03:36:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Sundrenched World" By: Joshua Radin

For those of you who have never been pregnant, I feel like the best way to describe it is to say that every feeling is to the extreme. It is sort of like your body is on strike! I actually don't understand girls who don't know that they are pregnant...I'm even going to say that they must be in denial because I don't think it is possible not to know!

Tuesday morning was like any other day... I woke up and got ready, ate an apple with some peanut butter and then headed for the grocery store. For some reason on the way there I started to have a weird craving for enchiladas, but I pushed it away and kept on shopping. After the third store I was on my way to my clients. At the first stop light I realized that I was starving, and not just any kind of starving but baby starving which by the way is completely different than regular hunger...I actually caught myself about to rip open a package of whole wheat hamburger buns until I gave it a second thought and realized I would much rather spend the calories on the string cheese that was with the cold food in the way back of the car.... So yes you guessed it...I jumped out of the car, ran to the back, opened up the cooler and grabbed the freaking cheese. I'm sure the car behind me was less than thrilled but I was back in before the light even changed so they can just chill out. Never get between a pregnant girl and a hungry baby!

The rest of the day went smoothly until I decided to take yet another trip to the baby store, this time I was by myself. I think it was worse... Have you ever had an anxiety attack over a breast pump or a swing? Well if not then you have not been pregnant in the 21st century, because let me assure you there are just two many choices... I mean do you know what it is like to have your husband ask you, "Are you really sure a hands free breast pump is made for your size boobs???" After my silent response I got a, "Well I mean that in a good way..." Anyways although he is so sweet to pick out the swings, bouncy seats and stollers he likes online to give me direction...I feel like when I'm in the store they are all different and huge and it sort of feels like I'm making a life or death decision, which with all of the recalls lately I am! We tried to go to the store together once but I think it just made me more overwhelmed.

I hope that all of this at least makes you laugh... The best decision I made was yesterday afternoon when I was with my mom and my aunt and we had about an hour of free time and I asked if they were interested to go into buy buy baby and check it out. They both were totally on board...My mom had been once before but for my aunt it was all new. I think she was pretty shocked by all the choices, but for her it was just pure excitement which I have to say changed the vibe of the experience... I actually picked out a stoller and carseat which by the way was in a completely different direction than where I was orignally going, but it has in a way changed my whole outlook and I have been able to really focus on what I want and was finally able to be excited about it instead of being scared... which is a feat in itself.

xoxo chef a

Hot Hot Hot

2010-08-09T03:36:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Like a Star(Live)" By: Corinne Bailey Rae

It is so Hot! To tell you the truth it is difficult to go the grocery store and to cook in this heat. The air-conditioning in the car can not even keep up...I find myself hitting the button a million times to make it cooler and it just won't move. To those of you reading this who are 8 or 9 months preggers...I don't know how you are doing it!

My menu for today:

Summer Chopped Salad
Truffled Mac and Cheese
Shrimp Quesadillas with Fresh Pico de Gallo and Guacamole
Creamy Chicken Spaghetti
Peppered Beef Sliders
Fiesta Lime Chicken with Mexican Salad
Beef and Barley Soup

While writing this I'm trying to ignore the fact that my allergies are out of control... isn't is too hot for things to grow???

Anyways I scheduled my next sonogram and I've decided that I'm not going to leave the doctor's office until I know what I'm having...My friend Jessica thinks this is hysterical by the way... She says she would never find out what she is having and she just thinks it's soooo funny that I want to know so badly but that my child won't cooperate.

How do people think that this guessing game is fun???? Just tell me already!

xoxo chef a

And then there were two of us

2010-08-06T05:33:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Turn on the Radio" By: Reba McEntire

I have reached the point where I finally feel like there is someone else with me all of the time. What works for me is no longer what's important... my diet has turned into what works for you know who, because it really only takes that first night when you have downed a half a bottle of tums and you still feel like your chest is going to explode before you realize that whatever it was is just not worth it!

I have gained about a pound so far which my doctor seems pleased about. Although that is less than most at this stage it makes sense for me since I went into pregnancy still overweight. I'm still fighting with my normal response to stress which includes heading to the closest processed food available... While shopping at Buy Buy Baby yesterday I suddenly felt a tad bit overwhelmed and tore open a box of100 calorie bags of M&Ms devouring 2 bags within 15 minutes. Oddly enough it did make me feel better!

Lately my cravings have included broccoli salad, spaghetti and turkey meatballs with arrabbiata sauce, fruit of all kinds, and I keep having dreams about eating some amazing piece of cake but when I try to nail down the flavor I'm hoping for my mind just goes blank so I guess I will just have to keep dreaming about it...

The other weird thing is that the baby is now able to hear our voices and music so I definitely think more about the music I play in the car. You all know how important music is to me and was to my dad so I feel like it is my duty to expose this kid to the best of the best at the very youngest age. I also make Mike talk to my stomach because since he is at work so much I want the baby to get to know his voice as often as possible. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm crazy...

And now on Saturday morning I'm watching "Raise Your Voice" in tears (gotta love hormones) before I head to my redo birthday Nia Class (power went out last week.) I'm really looking forward to getting back into the swing of Nia and working out in general, I have really been missing it. I never thought it would be such a challenge to get my body ready to work out again but 3 months of throwing up can really take a toll.

Broccoli Salad Recipe (This recipe is not low fat but it's southern and really good and you can add extra veggies and substitute light mayo to make it a better choice)

•5 cups fresh broccoli florets
•1/2 cup craisins
•1/2 cup sunflower seeds
•1/2 cup cooked, crumbled bacon (Optional, don't use if you want it to be lower calorie)
•1/4 cup of red onion, chopped
•Dressing:
•1 cup mayonnaise (you can easily use light mayo and use a tad less sugar)
•2 tablespoons vinegar
•1/2 cup sugar
Preparation:
Combine broccoli florets, craisins, sunflower seeds, crumbled bacon, chopped onion in a large serving bowl. In a separate bowl or large cup, whisk together mayonnaise, vinegar and sugar. Add dressing to the salad and toss to mix well; chill thoroughly before serving.
I sometimes add cherry tomatoes, cauliflower, carrot slices, and/or celery

xoxo chef a

A Mile High

2010-08-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Everybody" By: Ingrid Michaelson

So before I get to the conference discussion, Yesterday we had our monthly appointment at the OB and once again this kid is killing me! Still breech legs crossed at the knees and no clear view of any girl or boy parts. It's almost a joke at this point, I moved around, we tried every angle, every pose but nothing except a healthy, stubborn, baby who was squirming around in there. I have planned another quick visit at the end of the month to try one more time before giving up and just taking the blood test!

So the highlights of the conference were of course being with close chef friends who I talk to throughout the year but hardly ever get to see, our Friday night tasting dinner at "TAG" in Denver, Saturday night at "Marco's Coal Fire Pizzeria", and then to top it off lunch with my camp friend Amy on Sunday.

The conference it self was great! My class went incredibly well and the room was packed. And the classes I attended were all so interesting and informative, but I would be lying if I didnt say that I really go for the food and friends.

My friend Annise had set up a tasting menu at a local restaurant TAG. I would describe it as upscale fusion food meant for sharing, a think the chef's description is actually continental social food but whatever. So anyways the chef had set up a tasting menu for us but unfortunately for us he had another engagement and wouldn't be in the restaurant. The unforunate lesson that we all learned is that when the cat's away the mice will play. The food was great with the exception of one dessert the wasn't made properly (we knew this because on Saturaday the same chef did a demo at conference and the dessert tasted incredibly better the second go around) but the service was an entirely different situation... our server was terrible...he was flirting with a couple of regulars at the bar and at one point when one of the chef's at my table asked what was in one of the dishes his responce was, "I don't know I just bring the food to the table!" UM WRONG ANSWER! Anyways the evening ended with us taking a peditaxi back to the hotel with a driver who could have a day job as a plumber with the crack he was sporting! It at least gave us all a good laugh.

Saturday dinner was incredible! Pizza is my thing and I can say that the last time I had pizza this good was at Joe's Pizza in the village in New York. The owner ships in most of his ingredients from Italy and the pizza is cooked in an old coal fire oven! OMG it was just what the baby wanted! The server was great and happy to be there for a change and the casual company of friends made the night unforgetable!

On Sunday morning I slept in a little bit and then headed to my last class, packed up and said my goodbyes to the chefs! My camp friend Amy Ladin picked me up from the hotel and took me to what is going to be her new neighborhood in Denver. We grabbed some salads and then walked up and down the neigborhood farmers market. I tried to buy some baby stuff but without knowing the sex it made it just too hard! I had a wonderful time catching up and talking about our futures and before I knew it it was time to head back to the hotel for my shuttle pick up.

Well after waiting an hour for Big Sky Shuttles to pick me up...the group of us waiting caught another shuttle and thank goodness made it to the airport in time for my flight. Believe me they got an earfull and I cancelled the credit card charge for the round trip ticket! I don't play around! I really don't think they cared which made me even more angry.

All in all it was a great memorable trip!

xoxo chef a

Hungry...

2010-07-31T02:47:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Fix You" By: Coldplay

Although I had a great time with chef friends in Denver, I'm so glad to be in my own bed at my own house. I was hoping to post while I was there but I just ran out of time...

I cant wait to tell you all about the conference, but right now I am busy writing menus for clients this week. My menu for tomorrow is:

Turkey Meatballs with Homemade Marinara
Spinach Souffle
Shredded Chicken Enchiladas with Rojo Sauce
Roasted Broccoli, Cauliflower, Brussel Sprout Medley
Chicken Souvlaki Skewers
Hummus, Tabouli, and Fresh Pita
Shrimp Fried Rice with Stir-fried Vegetables
Egg Salad
Roasted Chicken
Mashed Ruby Sweet Potatoes
Spaghetti Bolognese

Other than cooking...The baby has definitely gained an appetite over the weekend so I'm trying to learn how to control it slightly so I don't go overboard. I guess the good thing is that my eyes are much bigger than my stomach so even when I think I can eat, it sometimes ends with just a bite. I'm giving myself a full day to recoup before I step on the dreaded scale until then I'm hoping for the best! Two of my younger cousins are coming to spend the week with me, Alexis(16) and Lindsay(almost 5), we are going to have lots of fun and some much needed girl time!

I promise to check in later with a full update from the conference...

xoxo chef a

The Birthday Wish

2010-07-28T02:25:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "It Doesn't Hurt" By: Katie Thompson (this girl has an unbelievable voice so worth checking out!)

I really had one of the most amazing birthdays this year...after having a wonderful weekend celebrating with my husband and family, and then having another celebration at Nia on Tuesday, I was sort of perplexed as to what to do on Wednesday (the real day.) After close friends started calling me and asking what the plans were I decided to ask a small group of my oldest girl friends, who have truly been an inspiration to my life this year, to join me for dinner at Kobe Steaks, a Japanese Hibachi style restaurant.

As it got closer to Wednesday I really started to realize what an amazing year it has truly been. Although at times I feel like I have only scratched the surface of my food issues, when I really look back at the steps that I have made to change my life and the honesty in which I've gone about it, I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself. I never thought I would ever be able to let the world in to this internal battle that I have faced alone since the age of about nine. And I really never could have believed that my insecurities would become a topic of daily conversation. But yet here I am starring into a computer screen excited about what the next year will unfold.

The minute I blew out my first birthday candle this year I realized how much things have truly changed... It was the first birthday wish that didn't start out, "Please just let me be skinny by next year!" For the first time ever I knew that I didn't need a wish or prayer to get me where I want to be, because I finally trust myself that I'm fully on board to changing my life. I'm not looking for a quick fix or a miracle cure but instead I'm looking for a new path. I have learned that the most important piece of that puzzle is to surround myself with positive friends and to limit my time with those who are not behind me. I have left the pity party that has been stifling my life and have gained the control that I never even knew I wanted.

Even though I have said it before, I will say it again... this journey has been blessed with your support and guidance and I hope that you will continue to follow me on this incredible path.

xoxo chef a

Food Guilt

2010-07-24T00:16:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Fire and Rain" By: James Taylor

Oh two o'clock why are we best friends this week?? It really makes me miss 4 o'clock who I would much rather spend time with!

I am definitely having mixed feelings about my body and food this week. I'm still waiting for that day that I totally look pregnant and the world around me can see a baby bump instead of what feels like just an expanding waistline... I mean the closest people around me can see a baby bump, Mike, my mom (who informs me on a regular basis...I'm not quite sure I like this by the way!), and some of my friends. But really for me the tell tale sign comes when my pants roll under my belly instead of staying where they should. I feel like I need suspenders! I feel a little guilty telling you this but when I look in the mirror I don't get that, "Oh my goodness there's a baby in there, that's so exciting" feeling. I do get it when I'm laying on the couch and I feel this odd sensation of fluttering in my tummy which I'm pretty sure is the baby moving around, but as far as a love for my body...it's not really there yet.

I said in the last post that I wanted to talk with you about my food issues. I want you to know that this is very hard for me to do because I feel like I should want to eat for the baby's sake. But in truth I am having major control issues... I wish I could tell you the amount of times I have gone back and forth over whether the effects of real sugar products are better than the unknowns of all of the artificial sweeteners out there. I'm a strong believer that fake processed foods lead to overeating and that they are really not a weight loss tool but instead an expensive way to gain weight. But on the other hand I look at the calorie count and I am sometimes persuaded to think that I could eat or drink so much more because of the lower calorie counts of those foods that maybe I should give it another try. The real issue is the guilt that I put on myself about going either way... There are certain foods that I feel comfortable with: fresh fruits and vegetables (and I'm not including treated produce ie:grape flavored apples), real cane sugar, organic dairy products and meats. I feel like I know these products and even with all of the issues in the food industry I still feel confident that if my 95 year old grandmother eats them that they must be ok. But what I question is that when they say that the younger generation will be the first generation to not live longer than their parents did, could it possibly not only be because of environmental issues but could the main problem lie in what we are putting in our bodies. Have we become just another prop in the food industries major marketing plan??

When I was just trying to lose weight and I sometimes felt like I needed help, I did look to all of the low fat/sugar free products to help me on my journey, but have I been misguided? My goals were to lose the most amount of weight as quickly as possible by eating lower calorie foods, exercising and trying to limit the amount of food and times that I ate. Now the tables have turned slightly, I am trying to eat the healthiest foods, still exercising, and trying to eat small meals as often as possible (which can be very difficult when you are used to limiting your intake of food.) All the while feeling like any wrong decision I make is going to somehow screw up my child for the rest of it's life. I mean don't get me wrong I know that it is all about being smart and eating a range of foods. But for as much as I know about the food industry I still feel so confused... I am by no means confident in my food choices and I think that it leads to a sometimes overwhelming amount of guilt.

I hope that this doesn't come across the wrong way or that people think I am too hard on myself, but this is the truth this is what runs through my head everytime I put something into my mouth and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only girl out there who is feeling this way... at least I hope not!

xoxo chef a

Working Out On Empty

2010-07-20T04:39:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "You Lost Me" By: Christina Aguilera

On Tuesday I learned a very important lesson, Listen to your body! You would think that after almost 32 years of life I would know that one, but I think in general I have been ignoring my body most of my life.

This is how the day went... I left the house at around 6 am and headed to the store and to my client's house. After work I picked up a couple of sandwiches for my mom and I and met her at my place so that she could help me go through the closet in the nursery room.(Thank you MOM!) I had a veggie sandwich with cheese (There is no question that I'm having a difficult time eating protein at the moment.) We worked on the closet for a couple of hours and then I took a quick little nap before Nia. On the way to Nia I realized that I hadn't eaten anything since 12 but I was running late and was going to see if they had a bar or something at the studio. Unfortunately they didn't... So instead of listening to my body at this point...I just grabbed my water and headed to class. About 15 minutes into class, I started to feel funny... My leg started cramping and there was no question that my body was letting me know that something wasn't right. But did I listen...nope I just went on with class. After class I met my friend Jamie for dinner and I had a chicken sandwich. On the way home from dinner I was not feeling well at all, so badly in fact that I got extremely sick when I got home. Now I haven't been sick in 5 days so it did make me worry a little, I put a call into my doctor who called right back and had a serious talk with me about making eating a priority and not ever going more than two hours without at least a snack. He said that I let my blood sugar get too low and then worked out and most likely I need more fluids as well.

Of course I'm going to do everything I can to face my recurring food issues head on since obviously they are still causing problems. I mean I've been guilting myself over food for the last 24 years what would make me think that being pregnant would somehow fix it. If anything it is making me even more aware of how much control I give to the numbers on a scale even if in exchange I ignore the truths that my body is obviously screaming at me. I'm going to take the next few days before my birthday to talk openly and honestly with you about how I am truly feeling about food, my body and my health and hopefully it will help me get on the track I need to be for the next 5 1/2 months and maybe even for the rest of my life.

xoxo chef a

I've Been Missing You...

2010-07-17T23:03:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "I'll Be Missing You" By: Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans & 112

I am so happy to report that I was finally given the go ahead to return to Nia this week. My first dance class was on Saturday and although it will take a little time to trust in myself that I will not mess anything up, there could not have been a better feeling than when I walked through the doors... I never in my life thought that I would actually miss a form of exercise, but low and behold I was soooo wrong!

I think that Nia might be one of the major things that have made the last 2 1/2 months so difficult. I mean weight loss has been a major focus in my life since about September and then all of the sudden I went from working out almost everyday and watching everything I ate to being preggers, not being allowed to work out and eating 75% carbs to try and calm the nausea. And on top of that it is not necessarily something you can openly complain about considering I've been on the other side of not being able to get pregnant!

But now that I'm not throwing up every second and it seems that I will be able to dance, I can be honest and tell you that there has been a part of me that has been missing all of it... not just the Nia classes, but also the feeling that I can somewhat control my diet. I'm by no means saying that I want my goal to be to lose weight right now, but I definitely like the idea that I can try to eat a more well rounded diet and hopefully have a really good and healthy pregnancy.

I am also excited about the fact that I can be a little more into work since food will hopefully never be my enemy again... This means I can discuss recipes and menus again and tell you everything there is to know about the upcoming chef convention and about the exciting class I'm teaching.

Thank you everyone for sticking through this morning sickness mess and supporting me to get back on track!

As for work tomorrow I'm making...

Chicken Fajitas with grilled peppers, refried black beans, and fresh avocado
Mock Fried Rice with Szechuan Grilled Shrimp
Classic Turkey Meatballs
Roasted Broccoli, Cauliflower, and Brussel Sprouts
Baked Crispy Cornflake Chicken Pieces
Fluffy Baby Spinach Souffle
Teriyaki Grilled Salmon
Orzo Salad with Roasted Vegetables

xoxo chef a

So..........

2010-07-14T04:04:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Can't Go Back Now" By: The Weepies

Yesterday morning was just like any other except that I had an appointment with a specialist for some standard gene testing and a special sonogram to find out the baby's sex.

So there we ALL were, sitting in the waiting room of the doctor and by ALL, I mean Mike and I, my mom, and both of my in laws. My anxiety built a little when it hit me that I was going to be in stirrups with a vaginal probe in while the entire group was in the room but then it all changed...

As the nurse took me back for blood work I calmly asked, "So this is a vaginal probe sonogram right?" She replied quickly, "Oh no, this will be your first just regular old sonogram." Well at that moment all of the air escaped my lungs... "What! you are kidding right... my mind was set on the vaginal probe!" She looked at me in awe..."You would rather have that in front of everyone??" "Um YES, it's a chubby girl thing! The idea of sitting in a room on a table with my belly exposed while being rubbed on is not my idea of a good time!" She laughed. After she took at least a liter of blood she ushered me back to the waiting room.

And then it happened... "Amanda, We are ready for you!" Now let me explain that I really did want everyone to have to opportunity to experience seeing the baby, I just forgot about the fact that it might include me laying on a table not fully clothed.

I'm going to go ahead and say that the girl who was doing the sonogram was having a bad day, her mood was less than happy considering we were about to look at a baby, but in my head I had decided she was probably annoyed with the crowd. So she said, "ok I need you to pull down your bottoms to your bikini line." Um well I didn't even know I had a bikini line but I went ahead and pulled it down to where I was comfortable. Obviously not far enough, she then pulled it down so far I thought maybe we should have a drink first and introduce ourselves. I glanced over to my husband, who at this point was laughing because he could tell how uncomfortable I was! The ultrasound tech then proceeded with the sonogram. Look I am fully aware that she was looking for a baby the size of a lemon inside a tummy that isn't exactly small, but it literally felt like she was taking out her frustrations on me. There was a moment in time when I almost yelled, "Just get the !/?$%@! vaginal probe!!" And that is not something you hear everyday!

After 10 minutes of pain, she explained that the baby was breech and therefore she could not get a good view to guess the sex but that doctor would be in in just a minute to go over the scans... Now the doctor was very gentle, he knew exactly where to press to check what he needed to. He looked at every organ and checked the spine and explained to us that the baby looks great with no signs of a problem. He tried and tried to get the baby to move but of course I'm not surprised that my child would be stubborn, I would actually be more worried if it wasn't. Mike is now completely convinced it's a girl! Im still sticking with a boy, although I might be waivering slightly!

Im going to change gears slightly...the reason I had to rush out so quickly yesterday morning without posting the blog is because my client emailed me in the middle of the night that her dinner party had exploded to almost twice the size! I could have made a big deal about it to the client but honestly when I'm hired it is my job to make the client look good while making my service desirable so sometimes you just have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on with your day. After working a full day of clients making 20 different entrees and then a dinner party serving:

Chopped Salad with Heirloom Tomatoes, Hearts of Palm, English Cucumbers and Balsamic vinegrette

Char-Grilled King Salmon
Sweet and Spicy Corn and Pepper Relish
A large variety of grilled vegetables including local grown squashes and zucchini, bell peppers, organic carrots, and Asparagus

Wild Berry Triffle

Let's just say I really felt preganant by the end of the night!!! FYI my bikini line is covered in bruises, thank you very much ultrasound tech!!

So now we have to wait another 3 weeks before we know what we are having... I guess in a way we are lucky though, I've heard that they are really guessing the sex at 14 weeks anyways, and with my luck they would have guessed wrong!

Just so you know what you are looking at in the picture... the baby is of course facing up, the shadow like image in front of it's face is actually a partial view of the placenta. It is pretty cool what they can see these days!!!

xoxo chef a

Camp Days

2010-07-12T03:52:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "California Girls" By: Katy Perry

So this weekend was amazing! We left Dallas on Friday night after work and got to Waco at about 11:30. My Israel trip "Garin Greene" all had met at a local bar and we were the last to arrive. There is truly nothing better than seeing faces that changed your life. Some I have not seen in 15 years, but I can honestly say that we just picked up where we had left off. There was no fakeness or power struggle, it was just old friends hanging out and talking about their lives. After about an hour at the bar we moved to the hotel and everyone came to hang out in our room. We talked and laughed till 3 in the morning!

The next morning a group of us met for breakfast at IHOP. This might have been my favorite part of the trip, we were loud and funny and real. We gave updates from friends who weren't able to get to camp. Not much has really changed except that we all grew up and most have real jobs now, some are married, some are divorced, some are still looking... a few have kids, a few are pregnant, and some are still growing up themselves. We had at least a 10 minutes discussion about the "Shake Weight" that included demonstrations. We talked about our Israel trip and who we hooked up with. We touched on politics and the real world. And we promised to meet as much as possible! At the end of breakfast we lost a couple, who had to get back and we said our goodbyes and headed to camp.

Not much has changed in Bruceville, Texas. There hasn't been any massive growth, the houses look older but pretty much the same. Camp on the other hand has changed. There are new buildings and a new courtyard, what we used to call the shortcut, which was a steep valley through the middle of camp that was covered in loose rocks and I'm sure sent a few to the infirmary, is now paved and much less steep. There is a new zip line and new lake activities and there is even a zoo! I ran around with everyone about half of the day and then I retired to the arts and crafts room to make lanyards while my husband, along with the rest of the group, went to canoe, which let me assure you was completely fine. We ate dinner and had song session and by that point I was exhausted and although I didn't want to leave everyone and I definitely didn't want to leave camp, I knew we had a long drive home. So we hugged and said our goodbyes and walked to the car while my all time favorite camp song was playing in the background. It was the perfect day!

Of course yesterday I was beat, I think I slept most of the day and only really got up to go over to my friend Amy's house for one final hang out with her and her sister Debbie, who had come in town for the reunion.

It is amazing how much one place changed my life...It is also incredible to have such a strong group of friends who are able to just pick up where they have left off. No explenations, no hard feeling, no harsh expectations, just true friendship that has lasted more than half of our lives. I hope that my kids will be able to have the opportunity to spend their summers at this amazing place in the middle of Texas. And I hope to be back in 5 years so that my four year old can experience it for the first of many times.

To all of my camp friends who have changed my life forever, there is really no way to thank you for the impact you have had in my life other than just to say that I would not be the person I am today without your friendship and I never could have asked for a better group of friends.

xoxo chef a

Camp, Snacks, and Airplanes

2010-07-09T02:06:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Leaving On A Jet Plane" By: Peter, Paul, and Mary

So the big day has come, as soon as Mike gets off work tonight we are off to the Greene Family Camp Reunion. The best part about it is that tonight a group of kids that I spent an amazing 5 weeks in Europe and Israel with in 1995 are meeting up to talk and reminisce and drink, well that is except for me! I just can't wait for Mike to experience the wonderful place where I truly grew up. Yay!!!!!

Yesterday was the first day that while driving home from work I felt the most intense hungry wave come over me. It was not like my normal, "oh I'm bored maybe I'm hungry..." It was more of a, "Dude, pull over this minute and get a freaking cracker before I hurt you!" And I did...I pulled into the closest gas station and got a bag of crackers. I guess the time has come for me to carry around a stash in my purse!

I finally booked my airfare for the chef convention at the end of July that I'm speaking at! It honestly kills me to pay for airfare... I guess it's the thought that I'm paying $400 for 2 hours (which really ends up being 4 hours because you have to get there so early) of being utterly uncomfortable. I'm all about upgrading but not for a 2 hour work flight! Anyways it should be an interesting trip considering I'll be pregnant and I'll be at a higher altitude, let's all pray that I'm over this sick feeling by then...

I can't wait to get done with work and be on the road to Bruceville, Texas. I'm even more excited to tell you all about it when I get back...even the camp food which by the way, I'm totally looking forward to!! And then two short days after I get back and we will know if we will be seeing blue or pink. What an exciting week that will change everything...

xoxo chef a

Baby Marrone

2010-07-07T02:25:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "We All Fall In Love Sometimes" By: Jeff Buckley (I am fully aware that you have to buy an entire album to hear this song , but it is well worth it if you are a Buckley fan, you can also hear it at Rhapsody.com)

Well this is the newest picture of our little baby... I'm hoping when we go next Tuesday we will find out the sex and get some clearer pictures, but some cool things to note on this pic are the little white dots going across its tummy are of course the rib cage and the thicker white line down the back is the spine. Technology is pretty freaking amazing!!

The rest of the checkup went very well...everything looks good! I've lost a little weight, but I kind of expected that considering that I've been pretty sick at night. The goal from this point on is to eat healthy and try to maintain my weight until I'm feeling better.

I am working a lot this week...here are some of the Summer things I'm making for my clients:

Mexican Chopped Salad with Fiesta Lime Chicken, Homegrown Tomatoes, Black Beans, Roasted Corn, Avocado, and Sharp Cheddar Cheese with a Garlic Herb Vinaigrette

Gourmet Slider Burgers

Angel Hair Pomodoro

Jamaican Jerk Grilled Chicken with Mango Salsa

Creamy Shrimp Salad with Toast Points

Crunchy Oven-Fried Chicken

Peppered Pork Loin with Roasted Garlic Au Jus

Grilled Vegetable Panini

Honey Barbecued King Salmon

Besides that... I'm beyond thrilled about my sleep away camp reunion this weekend!! It will be Mike's first time to experience my summer life as a kid. It is pretty cool to have my two world's kind of collide at least it seems cool now...

Ok well since I seem to be falling asleep over the keyboard...I'm going to take a short nap before work!

xoxo chef a

The "Golden Brown" Menu

2010-07-05T02:01:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Feels Like Home" By: Edwina Hayes

Well first off I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July and for those of you who get to take today off...I'm so jealous! I instead am doubling up my day today because I have a doctors appointment right in the middle of the day tomorrow.

I have to go on a rant today and I have to be honest and tell you that the hardest part of my job comes in the form of two requests. The first one I don't even have to explain to you..."Can you make me a really healthy, low fat, low calorie, low sugar version of _____ that tastes exactly like the original????" For the record I'm a chef not a magician! The second one is a tad bit more difficult, "I have three kids ages 6, 8, and 10 and I need you to cook healthy food for them that they will eat because all they will eat is junk!"

Unfortunately this is probably the most difficult... This is not your kids problem... it's yours and if you are smart you will try to change your ways now. We are lazy as a society. Our ancestors fought so hard for us to have freedom of choice but we hardly ever use it. How many times in the last year have you ordered your child a kids meal? I mean you're sitting in a great restaurant with lots of choices but your 5 year old in eating chicken nuggets (that the restaurant brings in frozen), Mac and cheese (that is being sold to the restaurants in premade cups that you just throw in the microwave), or a wonderfully processed hot dog. It is so easy to forget that when we were kids there were by far less options. Most of the time in a restaurant our parents ordered off the regular menu and we either shared with them or with each other.

I was lucky. I grew up in a home where my mom cooked every night. And she didn't cook two meals one for us and one for the adults, it was one meal and we hopefully chose to try it. Kids will never learn to try new foods if we continue to serve them the same foods all day long! They are growing up unaware of what real food looks like. They think it comes in a box with heating instructions! I actually had a child say to me two weeks ago that she only likes the apples that come already sliced in a bag. Are you kidding me? I remember losing teeth in the side of an apple! We are creating a society without taste buds. I have yet to open a freezer and not see some form of chicken nugget whether organic, all natural, or all processed. It is still a chicken nugget!

I remember having large family shabbat dinners on Friday nights. The menu was always the same:
Salad
Baked Chicken
Roasted Brisket with carrots and potatoes
Some sort of Green vegetable of the day
And little tiny rolls with poppyseeds on top

The Shabbat dinner I catered last week...the client brought in kids menu from a local restaurant:
Chicken Strips
French Fries
Onion Strings
and pasta with butter

(I saw at least 10 adults eating the kids menu as opposed to the by far healthier and better tasting adult menu)

What is wrong with this picture???? Kids food has turned into it's own food group, "Golden Brown"! I would say the funniest comment I've heard recently is when a child was home from camp one day and she asked me before she left, "Do you think you'll still be cooking when I get home?" My response was, "Most likely, Ive got lots to cook today." She followed up by saying, "Wow, I thought it only took 10 minutes to cook food!"

I'm not trying to be hard on you or even tell you that your child should never eat a chicken nugget again, but I think in general parents are frustrated because they want their kids to be healthier but when kids menus are shoved in your face everyday, and you are tired and stressed out and working too much, it is just easier to order off the "golden brown" menu than it is to argue over broccoli. Unfortunately the difference in generations is that we got chicken nuggets, french fries, and onion rings as a treat. That's why we still get excited sneaking food off the kids table. But for children today it is not a treat, it's just dinner...everyday! So I guess my chef advise is to stop ordering off the kids menu... start allowing your kids to experience real food so that one day when they are on a date thay actually know how to cut their own food and they don't ask for dipping sauce on the side! :)
xoxo chef a

The Off Switch

2010-06-30T02:07:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "This Is The Thing" By: Fink

Are you kidding 3am??? I am so over you! I tried to just lay there but after about an hour I gave up and decided to make myself some oatmeal, so here I am again at 4 o'clock in the morning starring at the computer screen... So since I'm not about to throw up at the moment let's discuss food! I actually pulled over to the grocery last night in the rain because I just had to have raisins, who knows why...raisins are not even my thing, I'm more of a dried apricot or pear kind of girl, but on Tuesday night the only thing I wanted was a small box of raisins, unfortunately the craving didn't last too long by about the second raisin I was kind of over it!

Another funny thing that I've noticed while pregnant is that I actually have an off switch. For the natural skinnies out there let me explain... I have never in my life had an off switch and by off switch I mean that thing inside you that tells you that you're full...Yeah! never had it...I mean I have never uttered the phrase "Oh I just can't even taste that I'm so full!" And I've also never participated in the four M&M grab...really all you need is four??? On the other hand, I have always been able to eat when I'm hungry, tired, sad, happy, and even when there is no way my stomach could possibly have any room left. The first time the off switch came on was about 3 weeks ago and I was shocked. We were eating lunch somewhere and all of the sudden half way through I just stopped and realized that I couldn't put another thing into my mouth. It wasn't a nauseous feeling, it was just a you're done kind of feeling... I'm hoping that for the rest of my life I can feel the you're done feeling but who am I kidding...

xoxo chef a

A Posh Tot

2010-06-28T04:24:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Wonderful" By: Annie Lennox

As planned on Sunday afternoon Mike and I went to go and pick up the crib. Now a funny back story on the crib... Father's day weekend my mom and I decided to go a little baby shopping, yes I'm aware its still early but we've known for sooooo long neither of us could take it any longer. And we were only shopping for cribs no clothes or anything, but after 7 baby stores I was in tears because nothing felt right. So we went back to the house to regroup. I think the tears part came from the fact that I had already looked at a website called "poshtots.com" (don't do it, it is really not fair to yourself) and fell in love with a Bratt antique white iron crib and lets just say nothing matched up. Well I knew that there was no way we were going to spend a ridiculous amount of money on just a crib. So I had a fleeting thought... Hey I'll just check "Craig's List". And there it was under the title "Never Used Bratt Antique White Iron Crib For Sale."

So before I could look any further I had emailed the owner and by Monday night, a check had been written and I had made my fist Craig's list purchase ever. Come to find out the only reason it was never used is because they believe in co-sleeping...well that won't be a problem in this house! Mike would over rule that before the idea would even come out of my mouth, Oh wait, it would never come out of my mouth! :) So here I sit starring at a crib that Mike referred to as the heaviest crib in the world (I mean I really doubt that but he had to carry it...) I still think it's just a little too early to put it together but pretty soon this room will be transformed into a nursery! Wow I can't wait!

Other than that I'm still shocked that at the end of 3 months with no dancing I've actually lost weight...Well here's to hoping I can continue to stay within a decent number, not for vanity's sake but for every one's health involved!

xoxo chef a

Baby Bump Etiquette

2010-06-26T05:30:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Whattya Want From Me" by: Adam Lambert

So all of the sudden yesterday morning I woke up and was pregnant... Well to be honest it really started on Thursday night...As I was leaving my mom's house she said to me, "Oh, I see a little baby bump!" Of course the overweight girl in me came out and I was devastated...When I got home I stared in the mirror thinking, oh my goodness I'm going to have to come to grips with this because it's the first time in my life that sucking in doesn't at least work a little...

To top it off while I was looking at some baby stuff at a local store the saleswoman did the unthinkable... she touched my baby bump. I guess she was feeling for the baby... I was so taken back that I just stood there in awe that someone would actually think that this type of behavior was normal. Let me go ahead and say that it is not acceptable to touch a 3 month pregnant girl's belly. I don't even let my own husband touch my stomach let alone some stranger. I mean I know that I'm not in control of what my body does at the moment, but I would at least like to think that I can control who touches it. Maybe I'll feel different about it when I'm like 8 months pregnant but right now when I'm extremely moody, nauseous, and self conscience it could result in someone getting slapped across the face!

Sunday is my Dad's birthday, he would have been 75 years old. Mike and I are going to go visit his grave on the way to pick up the crib that I couldn't live without (obviously not from the saleswoman who touched my stomach!!) It should make everything very real! Hope everyone is having a wonderful, relaxing weekend.

xoxo chef a

Excuses...

2010-06-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Listen to Your Heart" by: DHT Feat. Edmee

I have to start out by apologizing for being a little MIA lately. It is not because I don't want to write...it has more to do with my unfortunate closeness to the bathroom. To date I have tried everyone's potions: meds, hard candies, ginger, seabands, ect. But unfortunately this child is completely running the show... I am hoping that in just a couple of weeks I can get back to writing more frequently. At this point I'm really just trying to make it through my work day and then after that I pretty much check out.

To my close friends who are wondering why I never pick up the phone after say 2pm please understand it is not you... it is me...I know that you are calling to check on me which I completely appreciate, but the afternoons and evenings are just not good times for me. If there is something urgent please feel free to text me and I will get back to you asap.

I wish I could tell you what I'm making at work or give you a recipe or two but the less I think about food the better! I'm going to try and check in at least once a day going forward even if I just write a paragraph. We will see how it goes! Thank you all for sticking with the blog and listening to me discuss these unfortunate side effects. Please know that soon enough I will be back to my old self!

xoxo chef a

Missing Someone...

2010-06-20T02:38:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Someone to Watch Over Me" By: Renee Olstead

Holidays are a funny thing... You can try as hard as you want to make it "a different kind of special" after someone is gone, but I think most of the time it just ends up being different.

Today we spent Father's Day at my sister-in-law's house with my in-laws, who I absolutely adore, but unfortunately it just wasn't a good day for me. First of all I don't feel good, I'm tired, and I'm throwing up constantly. On top of all that joy I'm an emotional wreck...I cry at almost every commercial, I actually had a mini breakdown in a baby store over their unfortunate selection of baby furniture on Saturday and today I realized that selfishly the only person I really want to hang out with on Father's Day is my own father. I'm fully aware that next year will be different because we will have a baby and Mike will be a Dad, but as far as today is concerned...I'm over it!

I can't help but feel horribly angry and sad that my Dad is not here... And I still can't believe that he will never really know his grandchild and that he is not here to remind me after a bad day that everything will be okay. I wish I could say that just being with Mike's dad was enough, but it wasn't. I thought about how weird it is that both my brothers and my mom are off doing others things with other people all with the constant reminder that just two years ago this day was so different. Not a sad day but a day to celebrate our Dad.

Maybe I would feel different about it if I was older or my dad had been older when he died, but because I wasn't and he wasn't, it sort of still feels like he was stolen from my life. I actually thought in my head today will there ever be a happy new occasion that isn't sort of stained by the fact that he is not here to share it with us... I'm pretty sure that the answer is no and I guess I'm okay with that because I would rather it be a little sad and be able to remember him than to just forget and move on.

I do hope that all of the father's out there had a wonderful day and to all of you in my position I hope you were able to remember all of the special things that made your dad the best dad in the world!

xoxo chef a

Pregnancy Body Image

2010-06-17T03:40:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Landslide" By: Fleetwood Mac

I'm not exactly sure how some of you are going to take this but to be true and honest to myself it needs to be discussed and hopefully you will see my side of it without feeling the need to tell me to get over it... :)

I know that there are many women out there who get pregnant and are able to just let themselves go. They see their bodies changing and they somehow embrace it and realize it's for a great cause, they are growing a baby. I wish that I could say that... I wish that I didn't have guilt over each craving, but I do. And I wish that I could someday see myself wanting to mold my pregnant belly with paper mache and hang it on our wall, but I can guarantee that will never happen in this house!

I have not gained any weight thus far...due mainly to the fact that I can't keep a whole lot down. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm a little scared about not having morning sickness..... I'm scared of losing control and gaining too much. I'm scared of how I will perceive myself. And I'm most scared of being completely overwhelmed in 7 months with a new baby and massive weight to lose.

The book I'm reading told me to look at my body in the mirror and see the changes going on... Obviously the lady who wrote the book has no experience with body image issues...I'm not talking about small issues with your body ie: my butt's too big, I'm too short, too tall, my boobs suck, etc. I am referring to the people out there whether skinny, chubby, or fat, who have debilitating feelings about their body. Those of us who have cancelled plans while crying in the mirror because we can't find something to wear that looks decent. Or have honestly wanted to beat a photographer for taking a picture of us. I'm a tad bit better about it now but I'm far from perfect... I decided to go ahead and partake in her little exercise, I took off my clothes and gazed into the mirror. I wish I could say that I got all teary eyed and saw my growing belly as a home for this precious little baby inside but in reality it pretty much just looks like I've eaten too much! I'm going to go ahead and say that this exercise really didn't do much for me today...I'm thinking that maybe it would be best to look again at say 6 months pregnant when it looks like there is really a baby in there, but for now I'm content with staying far away from naked mirror shots of myself and will instead just try to embrace the feeling of being preggers.

I think that these "feelings" are going to need to be talked about from time to time because I can't imagine them just vanishing. But please don't misunderstand me, I am absolutely thrilled about carrying this baby, we have spent lots of time, money and heartache trying to get to this point and we just can not wait until we are able to meet our little one. But in truth most of the books and websites discuss how great you should feel about your expanding waistline and I want to make sure that the women out there who are maybe feeling a tad bit apprehensive about it know that there are others, like me, who are still completely elated about having a baby but have normal, hard to explain fears about what is happening to their bodies in the process. I just can't imagine going through the feelings I'm having and not having you to talk to about it. It saddens me to think that there might be some of you out there who are embarassed about not feeling thrilled about your image in the mirror and I just want to make sure that you are aware that it is really not that uncommon, it is just not discussed enough.

xoxo chef a

Dream a Little Dream...

2010-06-14T01:37:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Dream a Little Dream " By: The Glee Cast

Even though there are lots of tell all books about pregnancy, most of them leave out a couple of things to expect starting in your first trimester.

Number 1: they all say you are going to be tired the first 2 months after you find out that your expecting but they don't really tell you that it in actuality it is more than just tired...you might as well tell your friends and family that you are going on vacation because it is like your body wont move. I had big plans to finish my blog post yesterday but unfortunately my mind and body weren't on board. They were both in a distant far away land called "passed out!"

Number 2: About two weeks ago I started having the craziest vivid dreams. I wouldn't call them good necessarily...They are more like an episode of CSI. I'll give you an example because we live in superstitious land at this house, where you are not supposed to give all of the details of a bad dream:

The dream takes place in a bar in the middle of Nowhere, Texas. I am sitting at the bar with a girl I went to elementary school with, who haven't seen in 15 years. I happen to be nine months pregnant! We are discussing the missing person case of another friend of ours who we both suspect was murdered! dun dun dunnnnnn! Then somewhere out of the blue I go into labor and within 10 minutes give birth to a small litter of kittens...who I then go on to try and nurse in the middle of the bar!

This is honestly what the dreams are like...so weird. When I was talking to a friend of mine the next day who has two little boys, I said, "Do you remember having weird dreams while you were preggers? Her response was, "Yeah those were the best dreams I've ever had, mine were xxx rated!"

Wow, where the hell are my xxx rated dreams, cause I'm over giving birth to kittens, Thank you very much! I'm hoping that this is just the beginning and my xxx rated dreams will come. I mean I don't want to miss out on the joys of being pregnant!

Some readers have asked me what I'm craving at the moment: I would have to say that the main thing is fruit, I just can't seem to get enough. My favorites include strawberries, peaches, pears, watermelon, cantaloupe and really good blackberries and cherries. The only other thing that I can think of that I want is a really good chocolate chip cookie. I am definitely over crackers at the moment and most proteins and I are in a fight...

Here's to hoping we all have some xxx rated dreams....
xoxo chef a

The claws are coming out!

2010-06-11T04:43:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Straighten Up and Fly Right" by: Natalie Cole

Getting married and having a baby are two of the times in a woman's life that she will unfortunately see the claws come out. It shouldn't be that way but sometimes it just is. I think in general it is in our DNA to be slightly jealous when a friend or family member that is close to our own age is going through either of these life changing events.

During the last 3 weeks I have noticed slight changes in my friendships. I have some friends that are thrilled and excited about every part of it, some who might be a little jealous but have been incredible especially knowing my past experiences while pregnant, and then others who I'm pretty sure have fallen off the face of the earth, if I do hear from them it is far and few between and they usually call to discuss their own drama.

I do understand it, kind of. I mean it's difficult when you see your friends going through a new stage in their life. And maybe it's something you want... I mean my take on it would be different...but I'm trying to respect their boundaries. When my friends got married before me, I wanted to be as involved as possible. When they had babies I have been there for every milestone they've reached. I'm not saying I was never jealous, but the fact is that it is more exciting for me to be involved than to walk away from it. I do know what it feels like to want something so badly that you would go to any means necessary to get it, but I wouldn't turn away my allies in the process.

The good thing is that all of this cattiness is not phasing me! I've got my eyes on the prize and I'm trying to enjoy every part of it, minus the "cookie tossing."

Hopefully at some point during the next 7 months, the girls who are having the issues will come around. We will see...lucky for them they have this blog that allows them to be totally part of it without letting me know that they actually care... So if you are reading this remember that it is really only worth it to be jealous of me if you have been with someone for almost 13 years and you are still not married or pregnant because then you would be in a worse predicament than I was just a year ago!! So if that's the case hate away...otherwise just remember that you are on an incredible journey and when you get there you will look back just as I do today and say, "Ok, that was worth it!

xoxo chef a

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream...

2010-06-09T03:11:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Little House" by: Amanda Seyfried

First item of business...I have a few clients who are going out of town for the summer and although normally I take a break, this year because of our impending baby I would love to pick up a couple of clients. I thought I would offer it up to my readers before the general public. If you are interested in having some delicious nutritious meals that I prepare right in your house using the freshest and best ingredients let me know. You can reach me through email AmandaM037@aol.com or on the phone 214-460-6579.

So with that out of the way, Yesterday I broke down and had an ice cream cone for lunch. It was really the only thing that sounded edible as the thought of real food is really making my stomach turn these days. I have to say it was fantastic...a single scoop of peppermint ice cream on a sugar cone. To be honest I can not remember how long it's been since I stepped foot in an ice cream store... I have to admit that while walking in I did think, "Oh god, these people are probably thinking, poor little chubby girl who cant stop eating ice cream."

And I did feel like I needed to scream from the roof top, "I'm pregnant and the baby wants the ice cream it's not me!" When I got home I of course did the math just to see what I had gotten myself into. Hmmmmm 230 calories 7.5 grams of fat. Actually I'm ok with that...it's not the best choice ever and I'm sure carb wise it's a horrible choice but while I'm tossing my cookies it works and I could always drop the cone from the mix and it would bring the calories down to about 150. At least if I go to the store I can control the amount and I'm not waking up at 2 am eating ice cream. Bonus I got it at Braums and it cost me a whopping $1.35! Pretty good deal!

Now that I've been up since 4am, I'm tired again, imagine that... Time for a power nap! Have a great day today!

xoxo chef a

The Other Side Effects...

2010-06-07T04:42:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Paperweight" by: Joshua Radin

When you are a young girl you are told about the dreaded morning sickness when you get pregnant, I mean it's in every movie, book, and t.v. show. But I ask you very calmly why doesn't anybody discuss the other unfortunate side effects. They don't tell you that in fact morning sickness can last all day or that your boobs will feel like they are on fire. They also forget about the pulling and cramping that you'll feel as a nice little room is built inside you. Of course nobody discusses the bathroom issues or the fact that I could give a heavy beer drinker a run for his money with all the belching going on (for the record I don't think in the almost 13 years that Mike and I have been together I have ever burped in front of him...until now.) Soooo attractive!

I do know that this is just the beginning of this fun yet embarrassing roller coaster ride that I am on and I haven't forgotten the prize at the end. But if I have to see another disgusting public bathroom, I'm going to throw up literally! :)

Let me give you a little low down of the restrooms that I've visit:

Walmart and Target- Pretty much always a good choice, they keep them decently clean.
CVS and Walgreens- This is a toss up can be good and can be really bad
Dicks sporting goods- This has possibilities unfortunately I had a horrible experience
Tom Thumb- I'll give it a thumbs up
Albertsons and Kroger- Not good experiences for me, but it might depend on how new the store is
7-11- Run far away, still giving me nightmares
Starbucks- downtown- public bathroom not a good choice, suburbs- not bad
Central Market/Whole Foods- always very clean and usually has nice smelling soap
Lucky Brand Store- actually very nice, although I'm pretty sure the girl working there could hear me getting sick since she asked if she could get me a chair to sit down in.

That is all that I can remember at this time but I will update you when I deem it necessary.

The only cravings I'm having at the moment are popsicles and lolly pops and I've been trying to eat at least a little peanut butter everyday so that I get some amount of protein since I'm off any other sources of it. Weight wise I'm doing perfect I have had some weight loss that the doctor said is totally normal and good for the moment. And I actually feel pretty in control of my food choices. To tell you the truth I have been a little scared about losing that control but as of today it's there and in full force.

Mike got me into the pool this weekend and it was really nice and relaxing. It is completely ridiculous that it is already 102* the first week of June in Dallas. It should make for an interesting summer...

xoxo chef a

Missing Nia...

2010-06-03T03:00:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "All that Jazz" by: Various Artists (Chicago- The Musical)

Oh, how I miss Nia... I have been taking Nia classes since September and it has changed my life. I never though in a million years that I would actually find a workout class that I can't stand to be away from. But when my doctor said at the last visit that considering my past pregnancy history he felt that it would be better to not dance until we can get a better look at the baby (to be reassuring to everyone we have seen a heartbeat and everything is in the right place...)in a couple of weeks, I agreed to sacrifice! :)

I miss every part of it though: the music, the moves, but most importantly I miss the people. I have made some of the most incredible friends and I miss them terribly! Although I feel their love from a distance, I'm really ready to be back... There is something about dancing that makes you feel relaxed and allows you to let go of whatever drama you brought into the room. It is ultimately freeing! I cant wait for the baby to experience the calm of dancing to some of the best music out there and to be a part of this special community!

To my friends: I miss your bright and shining faces! I hope that nobody is stealing my spot mainly because I don't want to have to steal someone else's spot when I get back because I will be back...I have had a big talk with the baby and I think we have come to an understanding that dancing is just a must even if I have to break out level 1/2 which I'm pretty sure relates closely to 6th grade slow dancing! :)

My hope for you out there is that you find an activity that you love as much as I love dancing because it will change your life. It will change the way you see yourself and your body. And most importantly it will allow you to be in the now and that seems to be a hard place to get to in this fast paced society that we have built...

I'm going to go and eat a cracker before you know who has a freaking conniption!

xoxo chef a

Praying to the Porcelain God

2010-05-31T03:35:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Stay Here Forever" by: Jewel

One of my best friends Stacy came in town for the weekend and I have been looking forward to it for a really long time! We decided to go out for a really nice dinner at a restaurant called Loft 610 on Saturday night. As it got closer to the time we were supposed to go I was starting to feel a little funny... I ate some crackers and the feeling went away so we decided to continue with our plans.

When we arrived, everyone ordered drinks and although I don't miss the alcohol, I do miss the myriad of choices. We ordered a small appetizer of flatbread which we all shared and it was great. Stacy and I then shared a little salad of chopped veggies. When my dinner came a little wave came over me, but I pulled myself together. I had ordered Wild King Salmon but let me assure you obviously the baby wanted nothing to do with salmon!

I continued to eat a little bit because it is still mashed into my brain that food is the cure all for anything. Well it didn't take long before I was in the bathroom "praying." I finally thought it was over and went back to the table. Mike could see the fear in my eyes and sort of rushed the end of the meal... Stacy came back over to our place and things just got worse. Thank goodness everybody went outside when we first got there because another lesson I have quickly learned is that dinner followed by a car ride doesn't really work for me. When they came back inside Mike found me laying on the bathroom floor... It finally began to ease up and I finished the night with a popsicle.

The weekend continued with much of the same news... Here's to hoping cooking meals doesn't throw me into a tailspin today... fingers crossed!

My client menu for today is:

Chicken Souvlaki with hummus and tabouli
Chicken Enchiladas
La Scala Salad
Jalapeno Chicken
Chicken Fajitas
Egg Salad
Chicken Salad
Gazpacho
Balsamic Braised Short Ribs
Roasted Brisket with Carrots and Potatoes
Cucumber Salad
Roasted Mixed Vegetables
Key Lime Pie

xoxo chef a

P.S. I am considering switching the blog over to wordpress... Does anyone have any strong feelings about this? You would still be able to follow the links off of facebook and twitter but it would make commenting a lot easier for you, which seems to be a problem at the moment. Anyways if you have thoughts please feel free to let me know!

The News..

2010-05-29T06:29:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "The Wood Song" By: Indigo Girls

Well the true beginning to this journey began three weeks ago yesterday... The doctor had told me that on Saturday May 8th I would be able to take a pregnancy test and get a real answer. So on Friday night, my friend Erica and I were taking our friend Lisa to her surprise birthday party and the plan was to stop at some point and get a test...Luckily for me Lisa received a gift filled with a pregnancy test along with other random sex paraphernalia, I happened to be sitting right next to her so I looked at her and simply said, "Yeah I'll be taking this!" Let it be noted that this was possibly the cheapest pregnancy test on the market, I'm pretty sure the girl that bought it got it at a "gift" store. So with that job out of the way we went on to having a great night...

To give you a little back story Mike was out with his work friends bowling and drinking way too much and arrived at home with an instant hangover (like the sick kind...)

So on Saturday morning I woke up at about 6 and bee-lined for the bathroom, test in hand. When I tell you about the cheap test I mean it came with a syringe that you had to use so that you could drop 4 drops of pee on the stick (like chemistry class.) So I placed the test flat, dropped the 4 drops on and waited the 2 minutes as instructed. It looked like a second line but I just wasn't sure so as Mike was "praying to the porcelain god" I peeked in and said "I think your going to be a Daddy, does this look like a line to you?" (I'm pretty sure this might have made him even more nauseous, I think guys always think they are ready for the first one but when reality hits they realize that their entire life is about to change.) His answer was a mumbled, "kind of..." Not exactly the answer I was looking for... So I quickly suggested that I run to the store and get him some Sprite and pick up a couple more tests. He agreed!

When I got to the store I got the sprite and bought one of each kind of test (just to be sure.) When I got home I quickly handed him the sprite and ran to the bathroom. I took the regular two line test first...and there were definitely two lines. Then I went ahead and took and digital test too, and there is said it in bold print YES+...

Now I'm not good at keeping my own secrets, other people's I can handle, but not my own. I would say by 4 pm all of my closest girlfriends knew. The only one we saved was Mike's parents and sister because Sunday was mother's day and it was just too perfect.

I wrapped a pacifier up in a cute little gift bag and handed it to them. Within a second they knew what it meant!

xoxo chef a

A Change...

2010-05-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" By: Dixie Chicks

The reason I picked this song today is because I always thought that this would be what I would sing to my kids to help them fall asleep... Well it looks like that time has almost come... Yep as some of you have already guessed I'm pregnant. That's of course why I have been up so much in the middle of the night and getting sick in cars and craving spicy foods.

To tell you the truth I was going to wait to announce it till I was a little further along but yesterday I had a very rough scare and the first thing I thought was that if something happens I want to write about it. The blog is my saving grace and trying to keep this secret has almost been killing me. After going to the doc this morning and getting really good news I decided that the truth is I want you all to be a part of this journey and hopefully the journey goes as planned but if it's not perfect I still want you there.

As of tomorrow I will be 7 weeks which makes my due date January 15, 2011! I am feeling pretty good just a little tired and a little nauseated. I know some of you will ask "well does this change your weight loss plan?" And the short answer is no. My doctor and I really don't want me to gain a lot of weight...the plan is actually to come out of this pregnancy healthier than I am now. So I'm working really hard to eat right and exercise (although no dancing for the next two weeks just to be extra careful.)

Mike and I are just thrilled and I am so excited to finally let you all in. Please think really good thoughts and if you pray we wouldn't mind that either. Now that it's out of the bag, you can expect some funny tales and definitaly the truth. Ugh! I just have so much to tell you we will back track a little starting tomorrow. So stayed tuned....

lots and lots of love
xoxo chef a

Woke up on the wrong side...

2010-05-26T02:54:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Gone Away" by: Lucy Schwartz I love love love this song, It's haunting!

Well hello 4am! I guess we have officially become friends and I should just get used to it. It is a little hard for me to write this morning mainly because I think that although I'm awake I'm not really here... I would try to go back to sleep but I can hear my husband coughing and if I'm in there tossing and turning neither of us will sleep.

Yeah this is not working I'm going to lay down....to be continued

Ha! Well this was actually yesterday morning... after laying down for just a minute I woke up an hour late for work. You might be thinking oh well just an hour no biggie... Well that hour late turned into me rushing, accidentally stepping on the cat's tail. Him screaming, me checking on him and telling him I am so sorry but that he knows when I'm in a rush the best place to stand is not so much under my feet. Him finally getting over it right before I left. And then me managing to forget at least three items at each store before heading to my clients while forgetting all of my packaging containers.

Let me just assure you it was awesome...To top it off, knowing that I was not planning at all for eating I stopped by Subway to pick up a 6 inch nine grain veggie delight with spicy mustard, I mean you can't do much better for 230 calories in a rush... This is when the day just got terrible... So I'm in line to order my sandwich when the girl behind the counter says, the only bread I made this morning is the Italian herb and cheese (The most caloric and fattening bread they make)...This frustrates me because Subways whole advertising campaign is that you can stop by early in the morning and get breakfast and a sandwich for lunch. My issue is that I understand not having every choice available at 9am but logically you would think that the first two you make would be the whole wheat and a white so people at least have an option, just saying... So I left and drove 3 miles out of my way to a different Subway and got my 230 calorie sandwich!

It actually worked out well because there was another grocery there and I was able to pick up some containers and all of the forgotten items. When I got to work it was like every dish was taking double the amount of time, but I did finally get through in just enough time to pick my mom up from having a pain injection in her back (Sounds fun right!) When I got her home I opened up my laptop for a second thinking that I would write the blog but then quickly decided this morning was a much better choice.

The moral of the story is that when you wake up really early you just can't let yourself go back to sleep. It's just not worth it! :)

xoxo chef a

Car Sick

2010-05-24T03:57:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "If You See Him, If You See Her" by: Reba McEntire & Brooks & Dunn

There is nothing better than a music special on T.V. after a very long weekend! Sorry to everyone all wrapped up in "Lost" but it's just not my thing!

So we went to Austin this weekend for the memorial service for our friend Eric. To be honest it was incredibly difficult... First of all the normally short not even 3 hour drive seemed to drag on forever. And then once we were there, there was no shortage of tears. It is heartbreaking to see the men who are usually so strong in your life in tears. There was definitely nothing fun about the trip but I'm so glad we went.

Unfortunately the overwhelming emotions plus the car ride plus the mexican brunch added up to one car sick girl! Ugh! There is nothing cute about a sick wife. I don't care what anyone says, there are just somethings that your husband should not know about. And stomach sickness either way is #1 on the list! I'm feeling much better...I almost kissed the ground when the car stopped!

I'm working this morning and then going to a very sad (Boo!) going away lunch for one of my favorite girls Susie (She is just going to the shore for the summer but still three months is a long time.) And then I'm going to try and rest the remainder of the day, that should be an interesting task!

Here is the menu for today:

Turkey Meatballs with
Sauteed Mushroom Medley
Turkey Tacos with all the fixins &
Spinach Souffle
Miso Glazed Salmon and
"Mock" Vegetable Fried Rice
Peppered Beef Sliders with
Sweet Potato Fries
Barbecued Chicken with
Grilled Corn

Tonight I'm going to work on a new summer menu of healthy snacks to have in you fridge, I'll let you know what I come up with...If you have any ideas post them to the blog.

If you are having trouble posting comments to the blog please email me at AmandaM037@aol.com and I will help you!

xoxo chef a

Eric...

2010-05-21T02:56:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "The Blower's Daughter" by: Damien Rice

I'm sorry but I have to discuss something that is a bit off topic today. Mainly because I don't want to see this happen to someone else and if writing about an alternative might save someone's life then I have to do it.

On Wednesday night, my family lost one of our closest friends actually so close he was more like a part of our family. He fell into such a dark place that the only way he knew how to get out of it was to take his own life.

To be honest I don't understand suicide... One of my friends who has been in almost the same dark place tried to describe to me what a person in that condition is thinking. She said, "It's like their depression is a sickness and it's the only way they know how to stop the pain." This is my issue with it...First of all what makes someone think that when they die it will make that kind of pain go away? We are all in the same boat on this one...none of us really know what is going to happen after we die... But on the other hand their choice to end their pain causes a great deal of pain to their family and friends here, who have no choice but to live with it.

We are talking about an amazing 37 year old guy who was married and surrounded by friends. It saddens me to think that he didn't allow anyone in...He didn't ask for help or if he did it wasn't direct. He was truly one of the most hilarious and fun guys I have been lucky enough to meet in my life. And it just kills me that his beautiful wife is now left to pick up the pieces... I mean I can't even imagine.

My point in bringing this up is because I want to be clear to everyone who is reading this blog and who might be in some sort of despair. Suicide is not an answer. Please reach out to someone and let them know that you are in pain and need help so that you can be around to hear how much your friends and family care about you and we are not just telling each other. If you don't feel like you have someone to talk to please call:

1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255
or
1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433

There are professionals there who will listen to you and will get you the help you need.

Eric you are loved by so many and will be incredibly missed. I am so sorry that you were in such a terrible place. I hope that you have found the peace you were searching for and my heart breaks for your family...

xoxo chef a

Fear (revisited)

2010-05-20T04:13:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Fear" by: Sarah McLachlan

I have already discussed the topic of fear, but I'm back again...
How do you deal with fear?

I have to start out by saying that I'm a natural worrier...it's what I do. I could worry about the wall if I tried. The anxiety I feel has been passed down many generations, it's like the present that everybody gets but nobody wants. And I'm pretty sure that anxiety is what is waking me up at 4 in the morning everyday.

When I think about getting pregnant these are the fears I have...
1. What if something happens, and I have to go through all of the sadness again?
2. How will I control my weight when I am not in charge of my own body?
3. How will I focus in dance class if I'm constantly worried about hurting the baby?
4. Is there such a thing as enough money??? (I think this is a normal one)
5. How will I ever stop worrying?

Those are the top 5 although there are many more that come in and out of my head. And I'm not saying that any of my fears are irrational. I just want to learn how to turn it off from time to time. I do think a healthy amount of fear is good for you...it pushes you and helps you to achieve your goals. But when it stifles you, that's a problem...

So I'm thinking about taking a course in meditation... I have a friend who recently took it and said it was amazing. I figure what do I have to lose?

So there was a request for a recipe:

Summer Vegetable Soup

2 cups celery, (I clean the whole bunch trim a 1/4 inch off the end and finely chop towards the heart using all of the leaves)
1 1/2 cups shredded carrots
1 large leek, split chopped and cleaned
2 32 oz boxes of chicken stock
2 16 oz cans diced tomatoes with basil and oregano
1 16 oz bag of frozen organic mixed vegetables
1 large zucchini, diced
Pepper to taste

I use a non stick soup pot, so that I don't have to add oil. Saute celery, carrots, and leeks over medium heat until soft. Add stock, tomatoes, and mixed vegetables. And bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a high simmer and cook about 30 minutes. Add zucchini and cook 5 min. more. Season with fresh ground pepper. I don't salt this soup because the stock and tomatoes both have enough salt but if you are using organic stock and tomatoes most likely you will need to add a little.

Oh, and my diet plan for the other day worked beautifully. It ended up being a great food day...I stayed on track, wasn't starving, and didn't really even snack!

xoxo chef a

Spicy!

2010-05-18T02:27:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "867-5309" by: Tommy Tutone

Up at 4am again...awesome!

Menu for today:
Vegetable Fried Rice
Spicy Cajun Shrimp Pasta
Egg Salad
Chicken Salad
Shredded Beef Tacos
Gazpacho
Salisbury Steak with Pan-seared Mushrooms
Jalapeno Cheese Sausages
Fiesta Lime Chicken
Chicken Fajitas
Summer Vegetable Soup
Baked Chicken Drumettes
Filet Mignon

Ugh! I'm already tired from just writing it... It is days like today that I have to be really smart about my eating habits. I mean its gonna be a long day and since its 4:30 right now, my stomach will be expecting lunch say around 10am. So lets plan a menu for me and see if it works... (I never really cook extra from my menu for work which really annoys my husband, mainly because it is just easier for me to stay focused, but today I'm gonna try something new) So I love Gazpacho and that's an easy one to double. I could probably eat it all day and never gain weight...

lets go with...

Gazpacho at 10am

Fiesta Lime Chicken Breast(I'll post the real recipe for this later, but this is made using a Mrs. Dash seasoning blend that doesn't have any salt and it is great!) with 1 cup of Chopped Romaine Lettuce topped with Fresh Pico at about 12:30-1.

I have coffee with the girls at 3, so maybe I can come up with a healthy snack to take... like cup up apples with almond butter, yum!

And then I'm back to NIA at 6pm which I am sooooooo ecstatic about!!!! Yay I have really missed it! Thank goodness I'm not going out of town anytime soon!

And then dinner... what to have for dinner??? That will have to be decided at a later time...

For some reason I am really into spicy foods right now, which is not necessarily my thing... but I think it has something to do with not using a lot of salt and oil and instead relying on the spices to add flavor. Whatever it is it's working for me and I'm not missing the added salt or fat. Spicy food is also said to speed up your metabolism, which is always a good thing.

Ok well, this has been fun but Amanda is going to try and grap 50 minutes of rest before this day starts again...I'll check back in later to let you know how it went today!

xoxo chef a

Completes Me

2010-05-17T03:53:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "The Way You Look Tonight" by: Tony Bennett

I just got back in town from a great wedding weekend! My Dad's best friend, Uncle Paul was celebrating the marriage of his daughter, Jacki, and it was so nice to see my Aunt Phyllis and old friends and to be a part of such a special event. To be honest there was only one downfall... It just wasn't the same without my Dad there, I think we all felt a definite void. Before I tell you this story I have to explain that my Dad had great friends and most of them were long term friendships. We figured out this weekend that my Dad and Uncle Paul were best friends for somewhere around 50 years. I would have to say that in their day they would have been referred to as "Players." So when one of Uncle Paul's cousins came up to him and said how good he looked and he responded by pulling up his pant leg to show how good his legs looked, I looked over and said "Oh...that was such a Joe Bill(my Dad) move!" He responded quickly with a smirk, "Oh no Amanda, Uncle Paul taught Joe Bill those moves!" We both laughed!

It was probably the hardest on my Mom...I think that you don't realize until someone is gone that there is an ultimate balance in a good marriage. My dad was stronger while he was by my Mom's side and I think my Mom was more confident by my Dad's side. My Dad could work a room, he could "fake it" if he had to... He would smile and act like he owned the joint. My Mom is much more reserved and she can definitely not fake it, I'm pretty sure she has to make herself go talk to people.

When I look at my own marriage I realize that I play my Dad's role and Mike my Mom's. I think I'm lucky to see it now. I know from watching my Mom, that there is no use in trying to make someone into a social butterfly when it's just not there thing.

So I guess I'm learning day by day how this marriage thing works. It truly is meant to create strength in numbers. It is my gentle hand guiding Mike through a sea of unknown faces just like he guides me through a savings account. We as a couple build up each other's weaknesses and together become stronger. I only wish I knew growing up that that was the fairytale...It's not just about looks or even just love, it is about finding someone who completes you...

I really think that Jacki has found a man who completes her and I hope they have many, many years of happiness, just like our parents have.

xoxo chef a

The Food Journal

2010-05-14T03:51:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Friday I'm in Love" by: The Cure

So you know that all week I have been food journaling...well all I can say is that it is truly amazing to see what I actually eat. Not in a bad way...I've lost a solid 9 pounds since getting back from Florida.

I have been eating really healthy but the interesting thing is that I've been writing down the time too and no matter what crazy kind of day I'm having I still keep the same eating habits. For example: I have to take this fertility medicine with dinner at night, but I always forget to take it and end up having to have a little snack later just so I can take the medicine.

I also run to the pantry around 3:30 or 4 in the afternoon, Ive known this one for a while because it's national after school snack time but honestly it's not like I eat lunch at 11:15am any more. I'm not even necessarily hungry in the afternoon, but that snack somehow makes me feel better...

To tell you the truth I'm contemplating cutting out the thought of real meals and trying the small plate thing for a bit. I mean would I eat less if instead of filling up a dinner sized plate 2-3 times a day, I used say a cocktail sized plate filled with really healthy food 6 times a day??? I think this is an experiment for next week!

I'm so excited for the wedding I'm going to this weekend, I just can't wait!!! Bummed that I'm missing Nia, but I hope my friends will dance for me...

Client Menu for today:

Tuna Salad with Pita
Summer Chopped Salad
Black Bean and Cheese Burritos
Spicy Veggie Peanut Noodles
Grilled Halibut with Fresh Peach Salsa
Grilled Veggie Flatbread
Beef and Barley Soup

xoxo chef a

Why am I awake right now???

2010-05-12T01:56:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "What's Up?" by: 4 Non Blondes

I can't sleep...I mean let me rephrase that...last night I fell asleep at 9:30pm and of course now I'm awake at 3:30am. Ugh! There is nothing worse than being up in the middle of the night when you live with someone who wakes up if the floor squeaks. I mean Mike could have a party when I am sleeping and I wouldn't even hear it, but not me, I'm stuck in the office with no T.V. when all I can think about is the box of Chinese soup spoons that I need for a cocktail party tonight that are on the top shelf of the pantry. The issue is that I'm extremely A.D.D. so the chances that I will completely forget to get the spoons by 7 am is decently high!

Tonight's cocktail party should be a blast... One of my best friends is hosting it for her clientele and it is a great opportunity for me to open doors into a new group of women. At first she asked me to make chicken skewers...boring!!! Instead... I'm going to use the Chinese soup spoons and fill them with a twirl of Szechuan Peanut Noodles with a bite of Teriyaki Chicken on the top. Yum sounds good to me! And it better be a good party because I'm not thrilled about missing Nia!!

I have a family wedding this weekend which I'm soooo excited about, so yesterday I decided to go an see if I could find a new top to wear for one of the parties. Well I found this really cute black tank that is kind of crocheted at the neckline, unfortunately they only had one and it was a smaller size then I have been wearing but I grabbed it anyways and headed to the fitting room. First of all not to bitch but when will stores realize that trying on clothes under a freaking heat lamp is not comfortable and it actually makes me want to buy less. Note to retail clothing stores: The feel of burning flesh while trying on 6 pairs of pants makes me hate you and makes me never want to come back...just saying! Unfortunately, I couldn't walk away empty handed, the shirt fit and looked pretty hot actually! Whoo hoo!

For some reason, this is all I have been wanting...maybe because it's almost Summer!!

Gazpacho

1 large Hothouse English Cucumber, diced small ( like pico de gallo size dice)
1 Red Bell Pepper, diced small
1 Orange/Yellow Bell Pepper, diced small
2 cans Petite Diced Tomatoes
1 Sweet Onion, diced small
2 cloves Garlic, minced
3-4 cups of Tomato Juice
1/4-1/3 cup of White Wine Vinegar
Salt and Pepper to Taste
Cayenne to taste for spice
1 Large Ripe Avocado, small diced

Mix first 8 ingredients in a deep soup pot using 3 cups of tomato juice and 1/4 cup vinegar. Using a stick blender, pulse blender to break up some of the veggies, don't overblend...the soup is better a little chunky. Season with salt, pepper, and cayenne and add more juice or vinegar if desired. Finish by adding the diced Avocado. Let chill for about 1 -2 hours or more and then serve cold. Note: The Avocado will not turn brown because of all of the acid in the soup so don't worry!

Options: You can also add fresh cut grilled corn or cilantro for a change

Have a good day!
xoxo chef a

Pina Colada Pounds

2010-05-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Love Me or Leave Me" by: Lena Horne
(Lena Horne died on Sunday night. She was one of my Dad's favorites and I thought it was only right to honor her.)

I had a great weekend... Friday night was my friend Lisa's surprise "girls only" birthday party. We had a great dinner and then I think managed to hit 4 different bars. Unfortunately by bar 2, I had realized that I kinda like my boring nights with my husband watching reruns on the couch. But I pulled it together and pushed through... when did I get so old???

Saturday night was Jule's karaoke birthday bash. Jule is the instructor of my Nia classes and we had a nice crowd of fellow Nians at one of my favorite activities Karaoke! It was so fun and it was great to see everyone in a whole different atmosphere.

On Sunday, I spent all day with my Mom. First my mom, my aunt, my uncle and I (I let Mike sleep in) went to this wonderful souffle restaurant called "Rise No.1". My favorite thing was the Marshmallow Soup, its a carrot and roasted tomato soup with three baby goat cheese souffles that look like marshmallows. It was amazing!! After brunch my Mom and I just hung out for the afternoon and then we all headed up to my in laws . My in laws are great and they invited us over for dinner and included my Mom which they do on a regular basis, which is so nice!! We had a nice time talking about our Florida trip among other things.

I finally got back to my pre-Florida weight. Those five pounds were hanging on for dear life, but they got the boot whether they were just water weight or pina colada pounds! I was so over them...

Over the weekend I did start food journaling again...mainly because I just want to be aware of what I'm eating. I feel great about my weight loss so far... It has been 8 months and I am feeling really good. I know I still have a ways to go but I feel myself getting healthier by the minute!

Tomorrow's Client Menu

Grilled Salmon with Spicy Mango Relish
Roasted Asparagus
Filet Mignon
Oven Roasted New Potatoes
Praline Baked Ham
Sweet Corn Casserole
Hamburgers
Cheddar Chicken and Corn Chowder
Sauteed Green Beans
Summer Gazpacho

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommies out there!!!!

xoxo chef a

Dangerous Words

2010-05-06T04:57:00.000-07:00

ON the IPOD "Take Everything" by: Greg Laswell

So I've been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to discuss this but it has turned into me feeling like I'm holding it in and we all know that that path tends to end up in my kitchen so I decided to discuss it.

I'm going to start out be saying that my brothers are truly two of my very best friends. We have obviously been through every detail of our lives together... and I love them dearly. But I would be lying if I said that I have never been jealous of them... They have never had a weight problem... and they have always had a choice on what family activities to be involved with (and I'm not talking about the good activities, I'm talking about doctors appointments, hospice calls, taking care of business activities that no one wants to do.) I am by no means saying that they have never done anything... I'm just saying that the responsibilities of a daughter are different than a son.

The reason I need to bring all this up is not to bash them in anyway, it is mainly to show you how dangerous words are...

About 3 years ago, during a time in which my father was very ill, the three of us with our respective partners at the time and I would say 3-4 of my closest friends were hanging out at a bar called "Meridian Room" in Dallas. The subject came up that I, except for some awesome trips, have lived here. I went to college here and I stayed here.

My brother Andrew started in on me saying that I've never explored the world or lived my life...and that all I do is take care of our Mom and Dad... The lecture went on to include my weight! I was risking my health and not thinking of him or the rest of my family. To tell you the truth it is hard for me to remember past the outburst of crying that night but I remember words like unhealthy, disappointment, overweight, embarrassment, bad choices... To have this said to me in front of my family and my closest friends was probably one of the lowest points of my life. I felt abused and attacked! I think the episode ended when somebody finally turned to him and said "Enough!"

The thing is that it was hard for me to get defensive about it. I did stay in Dallas because my Dad was sick... it was also because I met Mike and there were more business opportunities here at the time. But to tell you the truth, I don't have regrets about that...I would have had regrets about not seeing my Dad everyday, I would have regretted not getting to grow up with Mike, I would have regretted not having some of the most incredible culinary teachers and I would have regretted not building a friendship with my mom (I was pretty much a pain in high school). On the issue of my weight...what was I supposed to say ... "you're wrong!" Obviously he was right, I was overweight and I still am. But does he even have the slightest clue whats it's like...NO! Did he understand that my weight defined me growing up? Did he understand that I felt trapped by it?? Did I as a child decide, well obviously the way I want to deal with my emotions is by eating??? I'm going to go ahead and say no...

But me bawling in the middle of a bar surrounded by family and friends was not exactly the most constructive way to bring up any issues he had with my choices...

What my brothers don't understand about my choice to be here, is all the stuff that is taken care of behind the scenes while they play. They don't know about the sick days, medical procedures, birthday parties, mothers day brunches, good days, bad days, sad days, and days when my mom's t.v. doesn't work. To tell you the truth I used to be mad about it (honestly sometimes I still am), but now I just feel sorry for them because they are missing out on her. And I am lucky enough to really know her...

I don't know why brothers and sisters are so critical of each other. Maybe it has to with loving a person so much that you feel like its safe. I, of course, forgave my brother for his outburst as I am sure he has forgiven me for things I have said. Because at the end of the day I know that he loves me and I love him, but it did effect my brain. It made me doubt myself, and I think of it often...

My brothers will never truly understand what it is like to be the daughter...They will also never understand what it was like to grow up as a chubby little girl with two older brothers that ate whatever they wanted and never gained a pound. Even though we grew up under the same roof at the very same time, our stories are so different which makes us kind of different and I guess that is what makes a family... A group of very different people, bound by blood...

xoxo chef a

Salted Toffee-Chocolate Squares

2010-05-04T04:26:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Almost Lover" By: A Fine Frenzy

So this morning I got out of my bubble bath to see two new very uncomfortable friends residing on my chest... I've decided that the hormone shots are somebody's trick on poor innocent women. My boobs are easily the size of two cantaloupes and not in a good way, I feel like I'm turning into "The Hulk." Although my husband seems to not have as much of an issue with my two new friends, I unfortunately feel huge and have a slight attitude problem as well. I thought maybe I was bypassing the emotional part of it until someone asked me if I was feeling ok, and then as if on command I started tearing up for absolutely no reason at all, awesome!

I have been busting my butt at work this week and feeling pretty good about it. Yesterday morning I picked up a copy of "Everyday Food", It's a little Martha Stewart Magazine and found this incredible cookie recipe that I just had to try, so I picked up all the ingredients thinking that I would make them at some point. Then it dawned on me, I was going to be hanging out with two of my favorite girls (Jennifer and Lauren) in the afternoon, maybe we could make them together!

When I got to Lauren's house we got all caught up and then decided to try these bad boys out...by the way Lauren had no idea at this point that I was going to leave her with all of the cookies lol ! They took a cool 20 minutes and were fantastic, we even had to use a smaller pan and although I think they came out less crispy they still were fantastic! Jennifer took some home to her husband and his response was, "I think those cookies are pretty much the best things I have ever eaten in my whole life!" Wow that's a pretty bold statement...

Salted Toffee-Chocolate Squares
recipe adapted from Everyday Food, May 2010

12-13 Graham Crackers
1 8 oz Bits O' Brickle Toffee Pieces, in the baking aisle
1 1/2 cups Toasted Almonds, rough chopped
1 cup Butter
1/2 Cane Sugar
3/4 cup Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
3/4 tsp Sea Salt

Set the oven rack in the middle of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees. Use aluminum foil to line a rimmed cookie sheet (Let the foil hang over for easy removal).

Lay the full graham crackers on the baking sheet, touching each other. Sprinkle the toffee pieces and the chopped almonds evenly over the crackers. Set aside.

Combine the sugar and butter in a small saucepan and cook over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally. Bring the mixture to a boil (it will be foamy) and then reduce the heat to medium-low. Simmer for a few minutes, until the mixture has the consistency of a syrup. Remove from heat and pour over all of the graham crackers evenly.

Put into the oven and cook for about 12 minutes. The top should be bubbly when you remove it. Immediately sprinkle with the chocolate chips and sea salt. Let cool for about 10 minutes, and then use a pizza cutter to cut into 2 inch squares. Transfer the baking sheet to a cooling rack and let cool fully before eating.

We didn't have a rimmed baking sheet so we just used a 9 X 13, lined it with foil and ended up obviously using less of everything!

Yum so glad I didn't take any home cause I would be eating them right now!! Thanks Lauren and Jennifer for helping a girl out! XOXO

Have a wonderful day!
xoxo chef a

Hunger Pains

2010-05-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Be Still" by: Kelly Clarkson

I would be lying if I told you I feel completely normal right now at 3:16 in the morning. I'm having crazy dreams and I have woken Mike up three times and let's just say he's over it :).

Why is it that when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm starving...like I haven't eaten in weeks. The sad thing is the myriad of things I'm in the mood for: I would totally eat a ramen cup of soup (most likely the saltiest and most processed food product on the market), I would also tear up some bagel chips and extra spicy hummus or even a can of green beans. I know the last one is just plain weird yet if you were to be spying on me at the moment you would see me opening a can of organic green beans, it's not that I wouldn't rather have nice fresh haricot verts (french green beans), but I don't have any and to tell you the truth there is something comforting about the odd metallic taste of cold canned green beans in the wee hours of the morning...

When I was gone last week I did alot of thinking... I have been teetering with the revelation that I'm a little burnt out cooking wise and I knew that I just needed a jump start. I needed time to visit local markets and to cook from my heart instead of counting every calorie. I needed to throw things in a blender and see what came out.

Being a chef is sort of like having an attitude problem. It is half real cooking knowledge and half cockiness. It is a delicate balance, because if you think too much or question yourself you could end up losing your edge. To be honest the issue with my client a couple of weeks ago threw me for a loop...it made me question what I'm doing as a chef. It wasn't that I didn't know the answers, I think I just had to find them out again... I know that my first love is dinner parties where I'm given some amount of creative control and I know that I like personal cheffing because it allows me to create bonds with the families I'm feeding. But beyond that how does artistry intertwine with crazy diets. How do I change the school of thought that has made americans want the most amount of processed food for the least amount of calories instead of a smaller portion of the best tasting real food? I don't know the answer yet, but I know that if I want to stick with this career I need to find out. I know that I'm more excited about work tonight than I have been in weeks and that's a good thing!

I don't know... I'm sure it has to do with my personal dieting...I need to find a way to allow myself to love food. I will never be someone who looks at food as a source of energy nor do I want that. My relationship with food has always been a love affair, it just used to be a manipulative abusive one and now I just want it to be a healthy one.

xoxo chef a

Rosemary Beach

2010-04-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Orange Colored Sky" by: Natalie Cole

Ugh! I feel like I've been holding back for a week, but it is a scary world out there and it was just better to not expose that my entire family was out of town!

So last Friday night my brother Adam, his wife Audra, my brother Andrew, his girlfriend Natalie, Mike, my Mom and I set out on an adventure to Rosemary beach, Florida. My mom rented a house there for all of us to stay in to celebrate her 70th birthday, which was in March but this is when we could all get away. We drove there; 3 cars, 14 hours, at least 3 hours of blinding rain on the way there, not exactly fun, but we made it at about 2pm Saturday afternoon (this is why the timing on the shot last week was so important...didn't really want to pull over on the side of the road with my mom in the back seat!!). I have been looking forward to this trip for months, I was also slightly nervous about it (a large amount of very strong personalities = disaster.) But I had gotten myself ready with the mantra "I will not be engaged!" And I held my ground pretty well.

I decided to let the diet go for one week and to enjoy this time with my family. I went into it knowing that the hormone shots were going to make me bloated and hungry and guess what, they lived up to it. I'm still carrying about 5 pounds of water weight and I'm not thrilled about it but hopefully in the next week it will all even out. The best thing about the trip was my morning run. Every morning I got up around 5:30 or 6:00 and ran on the beach. I'm not a big runner but running on the beach is different, it is like a meditation. The sand between your toes, the waves crashing against your feet, and the sun rising above your head. It still takes my breath away when I stare out into what looks like a never ending horizon of water. For that hour, I allowed myself to be in my head. This week I'm going to delve into all of those thoughts...my plan was to write blogs while I was in Florida each day and wait to post them until we got back but on the first day my husband gave me this look and said, "I need you to be here, that can wait." Well what are you supposed to say to that??? That is why you got two very short blogs in the last week. although the recipe part was true I did make some awesome dinners on the trip!!

To be honest, I am being extremely hard on my self about the 4-5 pounds staring at my face when I step on the scale, but I'm hoping since my hands hurt when I squeeze them together and my ring is tight, that it really is just water weight! I posted some more pictures from the trip on my facebook page. And today I'm going to post a video of the ocean that is pretty calming. If you are not my friend on facebook feel free to add me! This was a really emotional trip for me and I can't wait to share my thoughts with you...stay tuned!

xoxo chef a

3 way mirrors

2010-04-28T04:24:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Black Horse and The Cherry Tree" by: KT Tunstall

Bathing suit shopping is like society's cruel game on every female. First of all you have to take at least three days to get yourself mentally ready to look at your body in a three way mirror(aka the devil). Then once you get to the store you have to wade through all the beauties modeling the tiniest bikinis available (the only glory in this is knowing that they are most likely looking at their bodies in disgust as well.)

A couple of days ago I went on a mission to find a bathing suit that looked...well...good! I got to the store grabbed a stack of ten and headed for the dressing room. At first I was hoping that I was going to find a fantastic suit that made me look like a supermodel, but as I became more beat down by the vision in the mirror my desire to look like a supermodel turned into a desire to find one that just fit and looked half way decent. The most difficult thing about buying a bathing suit is spending a bloody fortune on something that you feel just ok in... I finally settled on a two piece tankini, a little black skirt and a teal (yes i said teal) halter tank with a built in under wire bra. The bra was a necessity... it is amazing how much skinnier you look with a good bra on, it made such a difference that I was willing to turn my back on my signature color of black. I mean don't get me wrong I am not going to be wearing it out on the town any time soon, but if I need to say go to the beach I will at least be prepared!!

I made the best fish tacos last night. I used a fish called Cobia, it was fantastic! The tacos were whole grain crispy shells, blackened Cobia, shredded cabbage, pico de gallo, feta, and a little guacamole. But the best part was the spicy avocado cream sauce that I served on top. You could use it in about a million ways: enchiladas, taco salad dressing, as a dip with queso and salsa. Here is the recipe:

AVOCADO CREAM SAUCE

1 pint sour cream (You can use light) but I always use "Daisy"
1 large avocado
1/2 jalapeno, seeded and minced
2 cloves of garlic
2 T red onion, minced
salt and pepper to taste

Put first 5 ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Season with salt and pepper. And chill until ready to use.

xoxo chef a

My trip to the vet...

2010-04-25T06:45:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Ghost" by: Indigo Girls

So this fertility stuff is getting quite humorous. I went to the doctor Friday morning to get a trigger shot, not knowing that there was going to be a firm time table on when we had to "do laundry". When the doctor and I realized that the time table didn't work he explained to me that I could just give it to myself and the nurse went ahead and taught me how. I'm pretty sure that during the lesson I completely tuned her out and was just focusing on the prospect of putting a needle into my own skin... So I left the office knowing that I needed to find a way to get this shot in the next 4 hours. I called anyone who I thought might be able to do it and timing wise nothing worked. I finally had a last minute thought to call my vet. Yes you read correctly I actually called the vet to see if by any chance they would give me a fertility shot. You know you've hit rock bottom when you are getting shots at the vet :) . They were totally on board no problem at all thank goodness. I just wish I had a picture of me bending over right next to the dog scale!!!

Hey I went away thinking that if by chance I actually do get preggers at least I will have a really good story to tell my child about how much we wanted him/her.

To be honest the shot sucks, I feel slightly (lol) emotional and I'm surrounded by family, which leads to a fun mix to say the least!!! "May the force be with me!!!" Anyways I made an amazing dinner last night:

Chopped salad with cajun grilled shrimp and bloody mary sauce
Lemon Butter Grilled Mahi-Mahi
Smashed Potatoes
Oven roasted Asparagus

Yum so good!!

And now Im heading off for a run... to work off that lemon butter sauce!! Ill check back in later...

xoxo chef a

Checked Out

2010-04-22T03:47:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

What does the idea of NO MORE DRAMA mean? I think that in general we as a society have mixed feelings about it... On one hand we really don't want to be involved and on the other we just can't seem to look away.

It has been brought to my attention that I'm an easy target for drama. It probably stems from the fact that I'm a pleaser... I allow myself to be right in the thick of it... And I can't anymore!

When I wake up in the morning I have to make a conscience effort to pick myself. I'm so used to spending my time "working" on all of my friends that I can honestly say it is painful at times when the phone rings and I know that I shouldn't pick it up.

Yesterday morning I had a visit with the OB/Gyn. The nurse calmly sat me down in the waiting room and said, "I feel your tenseness, the stress needs to stop if you want to get pregnant." Ha! easy for her to say...trying to get pregnant is like waiting for water to boil. You want it to happen so quickly so you just sit there watching it, like somehow that is going to speed it up. Unfortunately the more she spoke with me the more I realized that she was not talking as much about my stress over the pregnancy, it was more about the outside stress that she could see permeating through my brain. Who knew I was so transparent??

I guess I'm a slow learner because it is just now hitting me that sometimes you just have to sit back and watch the drama pass you by...you can't help the ones drowning in it without drowning yourself. And it is extremely difficult to watch!

My friend Lisa and I have created a code word...whenever we are being engaged by the drama, instead to picking up the phone or sending a unnecessary text to the drama devils, we just simply text each other the word, vagina! I mean in general it's pretty hard to not laugh when you see the word (or derivatives of the word) pop up on your phone. I guess it's our simple cry for help...

I completely checked out yesterday...I needed a day to feel the frustrations of infertility. I needed to cry and mope and really give myself an opportunity to grieve over the fact that I'm not one of those girls that can just think about having a baby and then all of the sudden be pregnant (BTW I have thought I was this girl my whole life, like a Fertile Mertle) This infertility stuff is like a bad dream!

I ended my day with a chef meeting at a place called "Chocolate Secrets". They have the most beautiful delicious french chocolates. And it is true, chocolate just makes you feel better!!

I do have one exciting bit of news... I was shocked to get on the scale last night and see that I have lost 7.5 pounds in the last 10 days. WHOO HOO!!!

xoxo chef a

No More Drama

2010-04-20T17:56:00.000-07:00

On the IPOD "No More Drama" by: Mary J. Blige

"(talkin')
So tired
Tired of all this drama
You go your way
I go my way (no more, no more)

So tired
Tired of all this drama
Yeah

(singin')
Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
Cuz I can guarantee that I'll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life, no ones gonna make me hurt again)
No more in my life

Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn’t be around
Or maybe I liked the stress
Cuz I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don’t wanna cry no more

No more pain (no more pain x2 )
No more game (no more games messing with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life, no ones gonna make me hurt again, no more)
No more in my life

No more tears (no more tears, I'm tired of crying every night)
No more fears (no more fears I really don’t wanna cry)
No drama (no more drama in my life I don’t ever wanna hurt again)
No more in my life
Wanna speak ma mind wanna speak ma mind

Hooh it feels so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain (free from all the pain)
Free from all the games (free from all the games)
Free from all the stress (free from all the stress)
So find your happiness

I don’t know
Only god knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It’s up to us to choose
Whether we win or lose
And I choose to win
Ohhhh...

No more pain (no more pain, no more pain, tired of crying)
No more game (tired of your planning games with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No more in my life (no more x6)

No more tears (No more tears, no more crying every night)
No more fears (No more waking, be up in the morning)
No drama (leave me alone, go ahead)
No more in my life (hey yeah)

No more pain (no more)
No more games (no more games, I’m tired, I’m so tired)
No drama (No more x6)
No more in my life
No more

No more drama (I’m tired of all this drama)
No more drama (go ahead, go ahead, you demons getting out of my face)
No more drama (go get a my life, I'm about to lose my mind)
No more drama (help me, help me sing)

No more drama (no more drama, no more, no more)
No more drama (yeah)
No more drama (no, no more)
No more drama (help me sing, I need a piece of mine 3x)

No more drama (yeah all I need, hide but nicely I need to know that you are free)
No more drama

Oh no x2
No more x2
No more drama x2
In my, in my... life

So tired (I'm so tired)
Tired of all this drama
(Oh help me please....)"

I WILL ELABORATE LATER!

xoxo chef a